A/N: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE SUGGESTIONS! You all gave me some great ideas and some more inspiration, so thank you and enjoy.
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Well that hadn't gone like she planned at all. Instead of Rick staying at home writing, he snuck his way back to the crime scene and worked the case with her and her team. Though she did have her reservations about him working with her and the team, the job she had was a hard one, and having him around did make it easier and more fun.
Much like the last case they worked, this one taught her more about Richard Castle. She found that he was sometimes childish, which was pretty annoying, but it did usually help to lighten the mood. It was needed, too, because this was an unpleasant one: a young woman who had been taken advantage of wound up pregnant, then ended up killing another woman in a fit of jealousy. It ate at her, the way the man wouldn't have to face any consequences, even though his child would be born in prison. His immaturity was something Castle had laughed at early in the case until he realized what the man had done. If she were being honest, she had been a little disgusted with him until she saw the seriousness in his expression upon figuring out the extent of the careless man's actions.
Kate also learned about Rick as a father. She heard stories about Alexis as a kid and their adventures around the park, playing together on the jungle gyms, running from dragons, going to the museum. The list was endless. It lightened her heart to hear him speak of his little girl; the love he had for her shining in his eyes.
"So I take it you don't regret not having a nanny, then?" she asked over the rim of her wine glass after dinner. Alexis was upstairs studying and Martha was somewhere, so they were alone in the living room, curled up on the couch.
"Not once in my life have I regretted my decision to raise my daughter. I'll do it again in a heartbeat, too."
The use of future tense wasn't lost on her and she froze, heart thumping, panic seeping into her blood like poison. She tried to play it cool. "You will, will you?"
Apparently, he picked up on her tension. "Well, I mean, I think more kids would be nice eventually, but. . ." he trailed off.
If asked, Kate would have sworn he could hear her heart beating from his seat on the next cushion. "I don't know, I guess I've just never really thought about it." At his slightly shocked expression, she continued, trying to rectify the situation. "I'm just saying that I've never really been a baby person. I've never wanted to squeeze them or talk to them like most people do." She finished lamely, shrugging her shoulder.
"Oh," Rick said quietly, desperately to trying to hide the pang of disappointment he felt at her words. "Well do you think you'd feel differently about kids that are yours?"
Ripples of nausea surged through Kate's stomach. She didn't know how to tell him she couldn't be a mom without her own mom. "I'm sure I would, Rick, but there's just so much about me that isn't ready for kids any time soon."
His eyebrows shot up as understanding washed over him. "Oh. Kate, I'm not saying I want kids now. I mean, we've been married for like, what, a week? Even considering having kids with you right now would be completely irresponsible."
Kate's eyebrow raised at that and when he floundered to say that he wouldn't not want to have kids with her when the time was right, she chuckled at him and released him from her glare. "Rick, I know. I'm just trying to say that. . ."
When her face contorted into a mask of pain, Rick scooted closer to her and placed his arm on the back of the couch. "Listen, Kate, you can tell me or you don't have to. Whatever you're comfortable with. This is all so new and I don't want to push you."
She offered him a small smile and, against her better judgment, whispered, "I'm so broken, Rick."
And with that small, short sentence, Rick's heart broke for his new wife. What could have possibly happened to her, this beautiful woman who can be so full of life, to cause her to feel like this about herself? "Kate," he responded, unsure of what else to say but desperately wishing he could take some of her burden.
"I need to tell you something, Rick," she began. She took a deep breath, fighting down the knot in her throat. "When you guessed that something had happened to someone close to me. . .you weren't wrong." He remained silent through her pause, recognizing the need for her to gather her thoughts. "It was my mom. She was killed in January of 1999, murdered in an alley. They said it was gang violence, but I never believed them."
Looking up at him, there were tears in her eyes and her hands were clasped together in her lap. He pried them apart and held onto one. "That's why you became a cop," he said softly.
"Yeah," she whispered. This was the hardest thing in her life and she hated talking about it, hated seeing the pity in peoples' eyes whenever the subject came up. But this wasn't just her now. She was married and her husband had a right to know her baggage, as much as she didn't want to bring it up.
Her eyes remained on her lap. "So when I did become a cop, I found my mom's file and threw myself into it. I studied every part of that file, memorized it, and I found nothing, Rick. Nothing." She was openly crying at this point and Rick's other hand wrapped around her shoulders, smoothing up and down as she continued to tell him her story. The last of her confession to him was barely whispered. "What kind of cop am I that I can't even solve my own mother's murder?"
"Hey," Rick soothed, bringing her closer until her head was on his shoulder and she was curled into his side. "Kate, you're an amazing cop, okay?" At her huff of doubt, he continued. "Kate, please look at me." She did.
When her eyes met his, she was surprised to see tears puddled in his own eyes. "You are an amazing detective. The first case we solved together, I knew how amazing you were. Kate, you never gave up. Your drive to find justice for others, your passion. . . you honor your mother every single day by finding closure for those like you."
Kate's eyes closed as she let his words sink in. She couldn't help but see her mother's face and the grief nearly swallowed her whole. But then she felt Rick's arms come around her and hold her close and she realized that his description of her was who she had become. What he said was true, she did strive to get the kind of justice for others that she never got for herself.
"How many families have gotten what you never did because of your hard work and your drive? I'm guessing the number is high. Please believe me Kate, when I say that you are in no way a disappointment to your mother. You're amazing."
Once again, Rick's quietly spoken words struck her like a freight train. She nuzzled her nose into his chest, practically sitting in his lap now. "I just don't know how to do life without my mom, Rick. I had to have my wedding without her, which was hard enough, but if. . ."
He finished her thought as she sniffled. His chin resting on her head, he squeezed her a little before pulling away from her and looking her in the face. "And the thought of your mom not being around to see her grandchildren. . ."
"Yeah," Kate finished for him. "I'm sorry to dump all this on you right now, Castle, but this is what you married." She said trying to go for light, but falling flat.
Regardless, he offered her a small smile. "You don't scare me, Kate. We've all got baggage."
Despite herself, Kate felt hope swell up in her chest. Maybe, just maybe, she could be worthy of a relationship with him eventually. "Yeah?" she asked, desperate for a change in subject. "What's yours? You seem to have a perfect life going here."
A sarcastic snort breezed between them and Kate's brows raised slightly. He cleared his throat and repositioned himself on the couch. For some reason, Kate felt more nervous about hearing his story than she did telling her own.
"You've heard that I'm famously fatherless, right?" he asked without any hint of humor.
Kate nodded. "I may or may not have navigated your website once or twice," she mumbled, fiddling with a stray thread on the blanket laid over the back of the couch.
That, at least, earned her a weak smile. "Have you?" At her shy glance, he continued. "Yeah, well the story on my webpage doesn't exactly cover the whole of it."
She could actually see him deflate with his words, disappointment filling the eyes that were usually so mirthful. Kate's throat was constricting, more tears threatening to spill before she took a quick breath and swallowed down the knot. "I'm sorry, Rick. It must be hard to not know your father."
It was his turn to wring his hands and stare into his lap while he puffed out a laughless breath. "Kind of. I mean, Mother did such a great job raising me and I'm so grateful. She did what she could with what she had and I think I turned out okay."
When he paused and cleared his throat, Kate took the opportunity to praise him. "Well, I've only known you for a week, but you seem like a great guy. What I know of you is pretty amazing."
Finally, he met her eye and gave her a sincere, albeit weak smile. "Right back atchya, beautiful." They both laughed lightly despite the heaviness in the air. Too soon, though, he became serious again. "I've always known that my parents' relationship was nothing more than a one-night whirlwind romance. He was gone the next morning and neither she nor I have heard from him since."
None of this information was strictly new to Kate, so she stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. When he did, she almost wished she hadn't let him because his words devastated her. "I can't help but think, sometimes even to this day, that I'm not worth it to him. He doesn't care about me." His voice was so weak, cracking toward the end of his sentence, and he was back to staring at his lap.
"It really hurts, Kate." That was all it took. The tears that had once been shed over her own pain were now falling from her cheeks because this man—her husband—the most joyous person she has ever met, is questioning his worth over one person.
Tears dropped off the end of his nose when his eyes lifted to meet hers. "My father and two wives, Kate, countless rejection letters (which admittedly don't bother me at all, but are still rejections), all telling me that I'm not good enough.
She took his cheek in her palm and lifted his head so he could see his grief mirrored in her own features. "Rick," she whispered between sniffles, "look at all you've accomplished. You are the pride of your mother's life; she adores you. I know how proud of you she is because she's told me. And don't even get me started about Alexis. You are her world. You are her favorite person, she respects you, and she's the most amazing teenager I've ever known. You did that, Rick, you. Even now, with us, you've never pushed me for anything I'm not willing to give. You've been nothing but supportive and kind to me and I'm so grateful that out of all the men I could have married, I married you. Oh, and you're also a bestselling author, so there's that."
His chuckle seeped through the bones in her wrist and travelled all the way to her core, warming her heart and allowing some of the light to reenter her eyes. Her emotions were mirrored in him. "Please don't think that the opinions of three people are the only versions of you people see. Because what I see is something worth staying for."
Rick's eyes filled up again, but Kate suspected that these tears were happy ones. Or at least, less sad. Either way, he leaned into her and kissed her sweet and long. "Thank you, Kate," he whispered. "You'll never know how much this meant to me. And I'm so sorry about your mom; I'm here for whatever you need, even if that's nothing at all."
Now, Kate's smile lit her face and it was her turn to kiss him sweetly on the lips. "Always, Rick, and I'm always here for you, too. Partners, okay?"
"Partners," he whispered. "Now let's get to bed, shall we?"
