"And do you remember how we all snuck into Goblintown?" Bilbo asked me. He sighed, a small breath of laughter escaping from him. "What a mess that was."
"If I remember it correctly Bilbo, we didn't really sneak into Goblintown…" I said gently. "Rather we fell into it. The floor collapsed from under us all." I paused. "You remember that, don't you old friend?"
He paused, his face drawn up in concentration, sifting through old memories like his mind was a library full of ancient scrolls, dusty and unorganized. It took the hobbit a few moments but he did say at last "Yes…yes the whole cave floor disappeared from under our feet. " He shook his head. "It was quite a fall, one I'll happily not be making again."
"No, thank goodness." I agreed softly. I looked over my old friend and realised again that the term was more literal now. Bilbo had aged considerably since the night of his hundred and eleventh birthday party. It had been startling to us all, but we had refused to desert him. The elves had done their best in Rivendell, but while their care was notable, nothing could stop the natural effects of time from finally catching up with Bilbo. With the healers permission we had moved him to Erebor, and it looked like he would be spending his last days not in the Shire but under the mountain.
I found myself reflecting on how in his old age, Bilbo reminded of a child lying in bed. He seemed smaller somehow, more fragile. Perhaps I was missing my own children too much. But I could not dwell on the thoughts of Fali and Gideon without a sad look passing over my face. Bilbo caught me in the middle of such thoughts and patted my hand with his own tired, wrinkled one. "There, there." He said, just as kindly as I had been speaking with him. "With every day, they get a little closer to home." He slowly fumbled through the pocket of his nightshirt for something and removed a handkerchief of all things. White, with his initials in scarlet thread. He held it up to me, though raising his arm so high now caused his limb to shake like a thin tree branch in the middle of a storm. I accepted the gesture with a smile and wiped away mistiness from my eyes.
"You're right, of course, but it does not make the waiting any easier." I said.
"No." He shook his head. "It does not." Perhaps Frodo was as much on his mind as my children were on mine. "Goblintown…" He mused softly. "All this trouble started in Goblintown, down in those murky caves."
"Our fortunes did take turbulent rises and falls after that." I agreed. "One moment we were running away from wargs, then flying on the backs of eagles and then running away from a bear and then in his home, sleeping."
"Yes, those troubles…" Bilbo said. "But also this one."
The Ring. I had hardly spoken of it since Rivendell. But the truth as to Bilbo's incredible luck in the journey of old had been revealed. It had not be luck at all, but rather magic, and dark magic at that. And of all people to pocess something of dark power, I had never thought Bilbo to be the one. His heart had always been so good and genuine, and the two ideas simply refused to collide in my head. Perhaps that was why it took us all so long to realise he had it.
"Do not blame yourself." I said. "You did not know it's true power when you first found it. It saved your life, many lives in fact, time and time again on our old journey. It's hard to believe it did something good, but it did, even if it was plotting something sinister all along. How were you to know of the heavy price for keeping it?"
"The fact that my aging was so delayed should have given me some clue that I wasn't meant to keep it." He sighed. "Turning invisible is one thing, yes, but when something is able to prevent something as natural as growing old…I should have suspected. And then I gave it to Frodo…knowing that it came with a burden I gave it to him."
"He took it just as willingly as you gave it." I comforted him. "And now he is doing what is best. You should be proud he could see what had to be done when many couldn't."
"You should feel the same for your own children." Bilbo smiled softly.
There was a quiet knock at the door, and Fili entered.
"Was there any word of them?" I asked, forgetting Bilbo for a second and turning all my thoughts to Fali and Gideon again. Perhaps, hope against hope, there was a message about them at least. Not knowing what was happening to them now, and not knowing how they faired, would be so much more bearable if only I could look at a map and know where they were.
"No, not today." Fili replied, shaking his head. "Not yet."
I managed a small smile. "Perhaps tomorrow then. They may surprise us yet, right Bilbo?" But Bilbo had succumbed to his fatigue and fallen asleep as I had been talking with my husband. Slowly I tucked the handkerchief back into his pocket, and pulled the bedclothes more securely over him. "Good night, burglar." I said quietly, and rose from my stool placed at his bedside.
I joined Fili, closing the door silently behind us. The walk home was quiet. Each morning we woke up with the small hope that today may be the day we'd finally hear something of them, and every night we had to face reality that it simply wasn't possible for us to know what was happening. I glanced over my husband, who looked more tired as of late, and placed a hand comfortingly on his shoulder.
We had company outside of our doorway. One guest was one we saw regularily and the second we saw rarely now.
"Kegan, Vesper." I said.
"Is there any word from Fali and Gideon?" The young man asked, forgetting to say any greeting.
"No." I shook my head. "There is no need to come every evening Kegan, you know we will be letting everyone know when we hear of any news." Indeed, Kegan had come to our door, every night since we returned without Fali or Gideon, and asked if there was any word from them. No matter how many times Fili or I had told him his vigil was not needed, he still came. It reminded me of how he used to come and collect Fali for sparring in the evenings before.
He nodded. "Thank you." He nodded. "I'll leave you to your other company then." Only a handful of times had I convinced Kegan to stay beyond the brief minutes it took to exchange pleasantries and information. "I'll see you tomorrow then." He bowed his head a little in respect and left. Yes, we would see him tomorrow and the next day, until our family was whole again.
"I was going to ask the same." Vesper said, stepping forward. "It's good to see you both."
"Will you stay for a little while Vesper?" I asked. "You came to our door, you may as well."
"I could spare a few minutes." Vesper said.
"If you would excuse me, I think I will pay my own visit to Kili and Tauriel. They are probably wondering how today went too." He left, saying 'Welcome back' to Vesper.
Fili had enough trouble looking at the young women Fali's age and men of Gideon's walk around Erebor. To sit with one in our home, particularly one that he had seen grow beside our children, would be asking too much. To invite Vesper inside was to invite the image of our two youngest.
"Come in." I opened the door and led the girl in. "Have you come with your family?" I asked.
"No, Father sent me on my own. He sends his fondest wishes. Mother sends her own regards."
"I hear you are pronounced the heir of your mother now. Soon you'll take over in her place. What will Varis do then?"
"Mother will be at hand to advise me, but Father has convinced her to 'settle down' or as much as she'll allow."
I laughed softly, imagining how such a strong woman would stand days of leisure.
The house seemed emptier than normal, even with company, as Vesper choose to sit herself before the fireplace. Fali would sit in the same spot to help dry her hair after washing it, and I would run a brush through the tangles, trying to help her with the mess of knots she managed to create. The brush in question still sat on the corner of the mantle.
For a second I fought the urge, Vesper was not my daughter, and didn't even resemble Fali in the slightest with her dark hair. But there was something in the action that I missed.
"This may sound like a silly request…" I started. "But would you mind if I brushed your hair? I know it must seem as though I'm treating you like a child but, -"
"No, you may." Vesper said. "I don't mind."
I sat behind her, taking a comb out of her hair and passing it to her. "That's a beautiful piece." I complimented before setting to the task at hand.
"It was a gift." Vesper replied.
"Thank you for visiting." I said to Vesper. "I needed something young in this home again." Though Vesper did not look very young. Her face had long ago lost it's childhood softness, and she now had the sharper angles of her mother's face. Beautiful cheekbones and a firmly set jawline, gentled only by her mouth, sweet and occasionally brandishing an amused smirk, like her father's. I passed the brush through Vesper's curls again. "Does your own mother do this with you?" I asked.
"When I was small." Vesper said. "The older I got the less time we had to indulge in looks, and so hairbrushes were replaced with swords and daggers." She sighed, glancing at the rug in front of the fireplace where her and Fali and Gideon had all sat before.
"How long will you be staying?" I asked, seeking to srep around the absence of those two.
"Only a day or two." Vesper replied. "I cannot be away from home long, soon I will be the fully fledged leader, inheriting all my mother's people. I will have more responsibilities than I do now."
"Will there be a big ceremony? Something like the parties we have in Erebor?"
"No doubt some pomp and circumstance will be made…though all in good taste. It wouldn't be wise to flaunt the first inheritance of power for the Southern nymphs. The idea is so new, it must be handled correctly."
"Your mother and father must be so proud of you, you've grown so well into your role."
"Yes." Vesper said quietly of herself. "For a time I considered not coming to Erebor, as Fali and Gideon were not here…it wouldn't be the same…but there's always been something lovely about this mountain."
"I'm glad you think so." I nodded.
"I know they were only friends, that blood never joined us…except for Orian, but a cousin is not as close as a brother…they felt like my brothers, and Fali a sister of sorts. Especially since I didn't have any of my own. Mother was quite firm about having one child and only one."
"Forgive me but I never imagined Varis to be a mother to begin with. I was surprised she even wanted one child, she was so fierce with her goals for your homeland. No doubt she found parenthood surprising."
"Her fierce goals for the South were why she only ever wanted one child." She said. "One child, one heir, and everlasting peace in the South that she fought so hard for. She was so happy I was a girl, afraid that a son would be too easily drawn in with fighting for the thrill of it. Not that there's anything wrong with a friendly spar, but one must understand it's true purposes to respect it." She stared into the flames with me, as she used to do with my children in summers gone by. "No siblings…no competition between children for a role that only one could fulfill. Rivalry between two offspring would have only created conflict where she wanted to dissolve it at home. She meant to have me in the name of peace…and yet even she could not escape the occasional moment of maternal affection…no doubt she found parenthood surprising." Vesper repeated my words. "Everyone here gave me something I could not find back home…a larger family, a girl of my age and of similar interests to have as a friend, young men who knew better than to fight back at the simplest things, leading to a bloody mess…" She paused, finishing with a repeat of "It's not the same without them here."
"You miss fighting out your emotions with Fali…and talking of such things with Gideon."
"Fali found the comb with me the last days we spent searching through the library achieves. We felt we must have been told old for such pillaging, but we went looking through the collections anyways. She told me to take it. Said I would be like a queen in the South. We both knew I wouldn't be getting any sort of crown…too prominent a display of my higher status than what men with large egos could take. But she felt I deserved something like one. She even went so far as to pin it into my hair in front of all the others, saying something like a coronation speech. "
One could hear in her voice that no matter how much 'pomp and circumstance' was made when she was stated to be the ruling power of the South, Vesper would always look back on the tiny ceremony with our children with more fondness.
"I hope you don't mind me taking this heirloom of your people." Vesper said, twirling the ornament in her hands. "But Fali insisted, saying that she was part of the line of Durin and she could very well pass on a piece of treasure to a friend if she wanted to."
"I'm sure no one will mind." I said, putting down the hairbrush and now taking three parts of her hair and beginning to braid it.
"Gideon made me a pendent." Vesper said. "For good luck when I became ruler. He knew how I felt about leadership…perhaps more than anyone."
"Gideon made a pendent…really?" I had not known my youngest son to make anything, start to finish, on his own. Gideon's forge skills, while passable, did not compete with Fien's or that of infamous dwarf craftsmen.
Vesper pulled a pendent out from the confines of her tunic. "It's not much." She said. "It's an otter, the symbol of good fortune. He must have figured it had done him well all these years, so surely it would help me. He did not know how to make a complete casting of it's image. Making the mold proved too difficult." She passed it to me, and I examined the small pendent. It was only an oval piece of silver, with smaller pieces shaped to form the body, limbs and head of an otter on it's surface.
"You can tell he made mistakes." Vesper said. "The tail he made is too long, the edges aren't as smooth as they could be…and the otter is not centered entirely right."
"He tried." I said, touching his piece with my fingertip lightly. My boy had made this, tried to create something with his own hands. It was by no means a great piece of work, but every uneven edge spoke of Gideon's labour and heart melding the silver as much as fire, hammer, and chisel had.
"He was almost afraid to give it to me with how it turned out. The comb from Fali was so beautiful and Frerin and Fien had made me little gifts as well. I had to rip it out of his hands and put it around my neck before he could take it back."
I snickered softly at my son's actions.
"I always teased him about going on an adventure of some kind." Vesper said. "I never expected he would actually do such a thing. His heart was home in this mountain, and he didn't desire to go far away, or leave it for very long. Sometimes I think he went only to keep Fali safe out there. But…he also knew he was different from the others, knew he wasn't filling certain expectations of a dwarf or a prince. Sometimes when those feelings boiled long enough inside him they came out suddenly, either in harsh words or as melancholy. But never violence…Gideon was never violent a day in his life."
"No." I shook my head. "From the day he was born he was meant to be a gentle soul."
"War and danger aren't meant for gentle souls." Vesper said. She looked down at the imperfect pendent once more. "He'll come back…different."
The words, which we must have been feeling inside for some time, hit us like slaps in the face. It was like being told my son was going to die, and in a way I suppose it was true. Gideon would come back changed. Fali would come back changed. The children I had sent away would not be the ones who would return to me. There would be scars, on both body and mind. Fali would have realised the dark side of adventure that we had hidden in the shadow of our stories. Gideon's gentle soul would be marred by the harshness he was enduring.
I finished the braid in Vesper's hair. "Finished." I commented. "It looks lovely on you."
"Thank you." Vesper stood again. "I'm afraid I have to go back to my Aunt's apartments now. I didn't mean to stay as long as I did." She nodded in farewell as she headed for the door quietly. Before she left she turned back and asked "If they return soon…you will write me, yes? I don't think I'll be able to visit again if they return soon, but I want to know when they return, and what condition they are in."
"Of course, Vesper." I promised. "I'll send word as soon as we have it ourselves."
She turned again to leave, meeting Fili in the doorway, excusing herself with a polite nod, and stepping around him, disappearing down the halls. "Did you know that Gideon made Vesper a pendent when she said she was to become leader?" I asked.
"No." Fili shook his head. "He'd never shown much interest in forge work before. Did you see how it turned out?"
"Somewhat flawed, but a decent first try. An otter for luck, but one with a tail too long."
"It's good to hear that what I taught him stayed in his mind, even though he didn't practise those skills often." Fili said.
"Kegan has not stopped coming in the evenings." I said, observationally. "The day Fali finally comes back, I think he's made up his mind to take her away…and she may very well go with him."
Fili understood what I was implying, that our daughter and her friend (or more than a friend, it was difficult to get the girl to admit her true feelings in front of us all) would perhaps marry one day.
"I'll not be letting her go away with anyone for quite some time when she returns." Fili said. "I've been missing her for as long as he has…and I've loved her longer than he has."
"Please don't fight him for her, you know she'll not go running to his arms first, but yours and mine."
"I won't fight him." Fili promised. "I could, and I would win surely, but it wouldn't do to embarrass the poor lad like that."
I laughed. "I should not laugh at such things." I shook my head. "I would be fighting him with you if it came to that."
He smirked. "Hopefully one day soon." He said. "One day…when they're finally home." And Fili pulled me close for an embrace I did not know I needed.
"One day…" I echoed softly into his shoulder.