LIKE THIS CHAPTER 2

Author's Note:

This oneshot is more a meandering thought pattern by Donna after she told Rachel that she and Harvey had slept together. She reflects on the choices she and Harvey made in the past about their relationship.

S4E08: Exposure

"Would you have wanted a relationship with him?"

"I would have wanted to try. But he wasn't ready. And if I had pushed him to be ready, I would be sitting here talking to somebody else about somebody I used to work with a long time ago."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that everything turned out the way it was supposed to."

x x x

Rachel wasn't in the habit of questioning Donna. Donna was, after all, not only her best friend, but also The Donna. And in almost every situation, she turned out to be right. But this time, Rachel wasn't sure.

After she had left and come to terms with Donna's startling revelation about having slept with Harvey after all, she found herself wondering, "Did it, Donna? Did it really turn out the way it was supposed to?"

She couldn't help but sense an edge of sadness in Donna whenever the topic came up. Just a small wisp of it leaking momentarily out with her words. A trace of mourning for something that could have been. And, while Rachel didn't presume to come close to understanding the complex relationship that existed between Donna and Harvey, she herself had a faint sense that things weren't the way they should be.

That maybe Donna should have fought for him all those years ago.

Because the last thing she wanted with Mike was to settle for less than all of him. And she had little doubt that Donna and Harvey, however they chose to define themselves, cared for each other no less than she and Mike did.

x x x

Donna could see that Rachel wasn't buying it and unfortunately, explaining fully would have been far too detailed, too personal, too painful.

The simple truth of the matter was that, in moments of weakness, she occasionally did find herself wondering what if. What if, sitting across from each other in the little diner, when Harvey had asked her to come and work for him, she had told him no. Told him that they had crossed the line and she was not interested in a future with him that was always tainted by the tension of what they could have been.

It would have been the time to do it. Now was far too late. Their worlds, their hearts, were far too entangled to engage in such ultimatums. But back then? They had been close, yes. They had been fond of each other, certainly. But compared to now, she saw that they had had very little at stake except for a clear affinity and compatibility. Had the rejection happened back then, it would have been (relatively speaking) almost easy to move on.

It had been the time to take the risk.

"No," she would have said. "Not after last night."

"I didn't mean for last night to ruin anything," would probably have been his response, plaintive and apologetic. That intense look in his eyes traced with remorse.

"It's not what I want," she would have clarified. "Last night was just too …"

"I know," he may have assented. "It was. But so is working together."

"No," she would have said again. "It's close, but that's not what I want with you."

He would have stared hard at her, studied her.

"You're saying you want … last night? Always?"

"Yes."

And then what? What would have happened? It was usually around this point that she chided herself for entertaining the scenario. Because whatever path she followed, she always came out at the inevitable destruction of their relationship.

Quite possibly he would have said no straight away, explained that he wasn't looking for that kind of relationship in his life. His career was his priority, and he certainly wasn't going to fuck around with someone he cared about, like Donna, someone who deserved to be the priority, when he knew it wasn't what he wanted. And that would have ended in a farewell, because no matter what he may have asked of her after that, her dignity would not have allowed herself to work with someone who had openly rejected her.

But, as depressing as that story was, the alternative was likely a thousand times worse. And also, she sometimes worried, far more likely.

He would have, with some reluctance, agreed to try. Because, after all, they did have a very strong connection. They shared a similar disposition, affection and physical attraction. She guessed that the relationship may even have been quite successful for a while. But it wouldn't have lasted. Mainly, she thought, because they would have fallen far too deeply in love. It would have been inevitable. Their relationship would have grown intense, possessive, desperate.

And, perhaps had he not been so very affected by his parents' relationship, this may have grown into a passionate and rock solid marriage that was not too dissimilar, at its core, to the relationship they shared now. However, the Harvey that was damaged, the real Harvey, the one that, despite everything, she wouldn't change for the world, would have very likely been consumed with terror. And they would have ended in a chaotic mess of shattered hearts that neither one of them would have recovered from.

A horrifying scenario that she would have been unable to vocalise to a licenced therapist in confidence, let alone to Rachel. And explaining the rationale for her choice, in the end, to forgo romance for friendship – because yes, it had been as much her choice in the end as it had been his, something she had to remind herself of whenever she began to feel resentful – would have been even more difficult to express.

Because when she truly thought about it, she knew that his offer to take her with him had been as close to a lifelong commitment as he had been capable of making. That, even though it hadn't fully aligned with her desires, it had been the deepest expression of his affection for her that he could have made. Because he knew, as she did, that his life was his work. And he was asking her to be a part of his life, to shape him and evolve with him professionally, to become his partner in crime.

A recognition that she had had only an inkling of at the time, but that, in hindsight, she saw with greater and greater clarity as she got to know him better. As their friendship grew, as she learned more about him, remained his one confidante when it came to his deepest scars and greatest pleasures, she came to know that had she been any less special to him than he was to her, he would have made the mistake of trying for romance.

The point was that, even though there always had been and always would be an uncomfortable undercurrent of more between herself and Harvey, she very firmly believed that they had made the right choice. That for all their difficulties, she wouldn't give up what they had now for the world.

That everything had turned out … exactly the way it was supposed to.

x x x

AN: Thanks so much for reading! I'd love to hear what you thought :-)