Thank you all for not hating me! I know I was evil doing what I did but it makes good drama!

This is the final chapter - it could possibly be quite a long one as I don't really want to split it up but if I find that it does drag on a bit, I will make it two chapters.

You may need tissues - depends on whether I pull off the sadness.

Here goes...

If Only...chapter 3

"Noel...I'm so sorry...I..."

"Cal, you tried everything - I could see that. You never gave up. Thank you mate," Noel said sincerely with tears rolling down his face.

"I'll leave you alone with her," Cal replied sadly as he turned to leave.

He began to make his way out of the ED when the only voice that he had needed to hear all night, yet the last voice he wanted to hear at that moment in time stopped him in his tracks.

"Cal!"

He halted but he couldn't bring himself to face his brother's relieved and eager face. That choice, however, was taken from him when Ethan appeared in front of him, "Cal! Are you alright? I called you..."

Cal took his phone out of his pocket to show that it was broken, but he still couldn't look at him.

"Thank god," Ethan breathed, "I was so worried..."

He then grabbed his brother into an uncharacteristic tight embrace, which Cal returned, thankful that his brother was physically alright. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes before they broke apart. Then came the dreaded question, "Did you see Honey?"

Cal sucked in a deep breath, he could feel the colour draining from his face as he now looked at Ethan's hopeful face creased with concern, "Cal are you sure you're alright? You've gone really pale."

Cal took a moment to compose himself as he readied to tell his brother the bad news when suddenly Ethan's expression changed as he looked over the taller man's shoulder.

Closing his eyes briefly, Cal turned, knowing before he'd opened his eyes again that Ethan had seen Noel.

The younger man strode towards the stricken man, "Noel?" he croaked.

"Oh Ethan..." the older man sobbed as he brought the doctor into a hug. As a surprised Ethan returned the hug, he caught Big Mac throwing a sad glance towards Cal, who shook his head sadly, "Cal..." Ethan whispered as he let go of Noel.

Big Mac took hold of Noel and ushered him away, leaving the two brothers stood alone.

Cal put his arm around his younger brother, "Ethan, Honey was hit by debris - she lost a lot of blood - we couldn't get her to surgery..."

"Is she...?" Ethan couldn't finish the sentence.

Cal coughed slightly, "I'm afraid so. I'm so sorry Ethan...I..."

By now, Ethan had thrown his brother's arm off him and had pushed the door to Resus open before Cal had had time to move. Rita, who had been looking after Honey, came out and laid a hand on Cal's arm, "I'll leave you two - let me know if you need anything," she told him, her eyes still shining.

"Thank you," he choked out as he followed his brother.

Once inside the room, Cal stayed at the back, not wanting to intrude. He watched, though his vision was blurred, as his brother perched himself on the edge of the bed. Thankfully, Rita had already taken off all the leads to the monitors and had managed to clean her face of blood and dirt, so it just looked like she was asleep. Ethan had taken hold of her hand that was nearest to him as his gaze swept over her. His hand ghosted over the slight lump in the blanket where the steel pole hadn't been removed. Cal cleared his throat, "I couldn't get her stable enough to let her go to surgery - I didn't dare do it in the ED - maybe if I had..."

Ethan was shaking his head, "You know that's not what we do in those situations," he told him as he bent lower to place a kiss on her cheek. He then placed the hand that he held up to his own cheek, "I'm so sorry Honey..." he whispered. Cal felt a tear roll down his face and he angrily swiped it away.

"Cal," he thought he heard his brother whisper, "Cal," he heard it again.

Cal took a step towards him not sure what he was meant to do until Ethan caught his gaze, then he strode forward and wrapped his little brother in a one armed embrace, mindful that the younger man did not want to let go of his girlfriend just yet.

"Did she suffer?" Ethan needed to know.

"I don't know, " Cal answered honestly, "If she did, she didn't show it. She was amazingly brave. She had a smile on her face until the last moment. She wanted me to tell you that she had loved the time that you had spent together..."

Ethan smiled as tears tracked down his face and nodded his appreciation. He took a deep breath that ended up sounding like a ragged sob, "This wasn't supposed to happen. If only I'd not spent so much time being scared to ask her out - we'd have had more time together. She had everything to live for. If only we'd had more time..." Ethan trailed off as he once again placed her hand against his cheek and silent tears poured down his face.

Cal felt like he had stopped breathing. His chest was tight and he felt dizzy. He needed to get out of there, he could't take seeing his distraught brother any longer - not when it was his fault.

He spun on his heels and barrelled out of the room, almost knocking Connie over in the process, "I'm sorry Mrs Beauchamp," he choked out.

Connie took hold of his arm, "Don't worry...Cal...?" she could see that he was at breaking point.

"It's all my fault...this..." he pointed to Resus, "I couldn't save her."

"I heard what happened Cal - no-one could've done any more than you did."

"It wasn't enough!" he shouted, "It's wasn't enough," he repeated a little more quietly. With that, he stormed out of the ED.

Hearing his brother's raised voice broke Ethan out of his daze. He turned towards the door to see Connie standing at the window looking in at him. He could tell that she was waiting for his permission to go in which he gave in the form of a small incline of his head.

Connie walked in quietly, her face sombre. She placed a hand on Ethan's shoulder as she looked at Honey, "She looks so peaceful," she commented.

Ethan smiled as he leaned over to smooth Honey's shiny hair, "I'm so very sorry Ethan," she told him, her voice catching.

"Thank you," he breathed out, "Although it doesn't seem real."

"I know that feeling. It's like it's happening to someone else," she agreed.

"Is Cal alright?" Ethan enquired, confused when Connie started shaking her head.

"You are something else Dr Hardy, do you know that? Everything that his happening to you and you are still worried about your brother." She wasn't being horrible, she was just amazed by the young doctor.

"I know him though. He's blaming himself isn't he?" Ethan looked sad once more.

Connie didn't want to burden the young man with any more problems but he needed to know the truth, "Yes, I believe that he is."

"I don't know why," Noel's voice invaded the silence. Neither Ethan or Connie had heard him enter, "He tried everything to save her. He wouldn't give up at all. I told him to stop..." he looked mortified at admitting that he was the one who stopped Cal from trying to save his daughter's life. Big Mac moved forward once more to comfort the distraught man. Ethan got off the bed and moved to Noel, who looked wary of the young doctor, not knowing what his reaction would be to what he had just told him, "You did the right thing for Honey, and that's what counts," Ethan placed his hand on his shoulder in a gesture of comfort. Noel smiled slightly, relieved that Ethan hadn't blown up at him.

"Will you stay with Honey until I get back?" Ethan asked - as if Noel needing asking, but he needed to find his brother.

Noel had already taken Ethan's place on the edge of his daughters bed, so Ethan made his way to the door, "Ethan, I saw him leaving earlier..." Mac informed him.

"Thank you," Ethan said as he left the room in search of his brother.

Ethan knew, without doubt, that Cal wouldn't leave the hospital while he was having the day from hell, so he made his way to the peace garden, smiling slightly when he saw the person that he was looking for slumped on a bench.

Ethan took a seat next to him and they sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds, "Cal, please don't do this," Ethan opened the conversation.

"Don't do what?" Cal had sat up a little straighter, but had not looked at him.

"Don't blame yourself. I know what happened. Noel told me, Connie told me - I could even see it on your face before I knew about Honey."

"I tried and I tried...I wanted to save her so badly...for you. You were both so happy - I wanted to see you happy for so long...and I screwed it up!" Cal had tears falling down his face once again, but this time he just let them fall.

"You did see me happy Cal. I was very happy with her, and I'm just so thankful that I had that time with her. If anything it was my fault..."

Cal swung round to face him, "How did you work that one out? You weren't the one who couldn't get her stable enough," he snapped.

"No, but I was the one who messed around so much that we didn't get to spend the time together that we should have - and," Ethan gulped as emotions began to surface again, "I wasn't even there at the end when she needed me."

As the realisation hit Ethan, he began to shake uncontrollably. Cal immediately reigned in his emotions as he took off his coat and put it around his little brother. As he did so he brought him into another embrace. He placed his chin on the top of his head, "I'm so sorry Ethan," he cried with his brother.

"I know you are Cal. Just remember that it wasn't your fault," the younger man sobbed into his shoulder.

"I'll try..." Cal whispered, as his brother pulled away wiping his face.

"I'm not sure how to deal with this," Ethan said honestly, looking to his big brother for advice.

Cal was once again sat up straight and had slipped back into big brother mode, "There is no right or wrong way little brother, but I will be beside you every step of the way, if you'll let me."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Ethan smiled as more tears escaped from his eyes.

Cal stood, holding his hand out to the still seated doctor, "Come on, let's go and see Honey again."

Ethan slowly got to his feet, feeling safe under the arm of his brother, who had placed it across his shoulders. He found himself mirroring his brother so that they walked back into the hospital arm in arm, ready to face whatever challenges were coming their way - together.

Well, that was it! No miracles for Honey I'm afraid - sorry. Just to be clear though, I love them together. Hope you don't hate me to much and that you'll read any of my other stories even after this.

A question - does anyone know if Honey is still working as a pole dancer? I was wondering if anyone in the ED will find out and Ethan has to defend her.

Anyway - I'm going away on Friday for a week, so I don't know if I'll be able to post anything. Hopefully there will be some inspiration from this weekends double episode but if not I might have to wait until the following weekend.

Til next time...