Supernatural: Chronicles of the Order 6

Chapter 24: A Matter of Self-Loathing

(DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Supernatural because it belongs to Eric Kripke and Warner Bros. So, enjoy the show! Rated M for graphic violence, adult content, and adult language.)

I was dreaming as I found myself trapped in the same white room where my past self was once imprisoned. I was a mess as I was struggling to get out of the meathooks and chains that were pinning me in the first place. Just as I was about to struggle free, I saw a nuisance that refused to go away. This time, he was itching to torment me once again, for he enjoyed my misery just as much as anyone who would want to steal me for their own selfish greed and lust for power. It was Soulless Sam himself as he was ready to cause me more harm than normal, for he wasn't about to let me off the hook just yet.

"It's been a while, Sammy," he said to me as he smiled wickedly. "You just won a copy of the latest board game known as Derwent: The Game."

"Derwent's long dead," I said.

"I know, but you're a much favorable object to see under the microscope these days."

"You're done, you hear me?! You're done!"

"And what about all that greatness that you have? You're nothing. You're just a waste of space that should've been dead to begin with. In the end, you'll always be worthless because there are no good qualities in your character whatsoever. As for the party I'm starting, I'm gonna start off with a bang 'cause I brought someone along to watch me torture you for the rest of your days."

Without warning, I spotted a familiar figure in disheveled clothing as he was smiling with glee. It was Lucifer himself as he was ready to see me suffer in my own prison, for he was itching to cause panic for me on the horizon.

"Did you miss me?" he said as he smiled. "I bet that you were lonely without me after that surgery you had."

"Get the hell away from me!" I yelled.

"And do what, bunk buddy? Spank me? Well, the meathooks and chains were a hit in my cage, but in this white room, I've got all the right moves to try on your ass, so let's get busy!"

"By the way, how's the rehab coming?" asked Soulless Sam as he smiled. "Is it swinging towards how awful you look. Everyone should be the same, Sam. Everyone wanted you to be in the crowd. In the end of it all, you're nothing but ugly. All you are is a complete waste of space in which you're worthless and that is all for today."

"You heard him, bunky! Therefore, let's get this show on the road, shall we? I know that I'm really gonna enjoy this!"

I used my raw power as I was fleeing for my life. I was scared to death as I was getting away from both Soulless Sam and Lucifer due to their presence for the enjoyment of my torment. I was sprinting quickly as I found myself in a room that had a mirror in which I was staring at it out of curiosity. The mirror that I looked at had a reflection of me all dressed in fancy clothing until I noticed them changing into the usual servant garb that I once wore during my years being at the fort on Gehenna. At that moment, I felt a cold breeze coming into the room as I was shivering with cold. I even saw the snow falling into the room as I was trapped into an icebox in which I was also suffering from a bone-chilling sense of cold. Even though I was still looking at the mirror, the reflection that I had changed into a pleasant one as it was further away from my grasp. I was looking at the life that I should've had as I ws trapped in the misery of my making. I was nothing more than someone who had no value as I stood up on my feet and noticed Lucifer entering into the room. He was ready to do his worst as he had me trapped in the freezing room in which he made the doors disappear. Unlike Soulless Sam, he was ready to do damage in the worst way as I was dreading his instruments of torture the moment I felt shackled by his whim. With the meathooks and chains coming, I was chained as I felt them piercing my back, for I was about to be tortured by the one who was standing in front of me.

"It's about time that I rekindled our relationship, Sammy," he said to me. "For the record, this is a prison of your own forging in which you continue to bask in all of the self-loathing that you had over the years."

"If you're talking about the pleasant image in the mirror that I should've had, that ship has sailed out into space," I said as I was struggling to get free. "I don't have that much of a life after the rest of my childhood was stripped bare, only to be forced to leave it behind in a frozen wasteland."

"For the record, you're nothing but a failure, Sam. You're better off not loving yourself anymore because of the fact that it was planned in front of you. In the end of it all, you're nothing but a failure to everyone and once you die, then you'll be back in the cage with me."

"I'll always bounce back, but I do it to protect my friends and family. Unlike you of all people, you love yourself in the wrong ways, but you enjoy torturing your victims."

"It's because it's fun. Anyhoo, I think it's time to turn on the heat, so I suggest that you get out the spare ribs and slap 'em on the grill 'cause it's time for a barbecue."

I was at the whim of Lucifer as I felt my body being engulfed in fire. I was screaming in pain as the flames were burning me until I woke up from my nightmare. I was dreading the burning as I couldn't shake the presence of Soulless Sam and Lucifer gloating at me the moment I found myself in a different hospital room. Getting up, I surveyed the whole area as it was far different than any other due to its sophisticated overtones all over the place. Still, I was a mess as I was most likely to be subjected to another stern lecture from Kazuo directly, for I wanted to return home soon enough. It was also a time to bolt the room as I walked towards the door and turned the knob, only to find that it was locked from the outside. I was trapped in this hospital room as I wanted to go home before my family began to worry. I wanted to get out of this room as I didn't like being confined in here for far too long.

At that moment, I thought about the window as I walked over towards it and opened it up in which I began to shimmy out of the building I was in. The place itself was a hospital here in Menark as I saw the tower where the surge of raw power occurred earlier. The floor I was in had been a steeping hundred feet above the ground as I was ready to hightail it. Even though I was dressed in only a hospital gown, I was outside of the biggest hospital ever imaginable. Still, I had to watch my step as I was ready to brave my way down by using my long hair as a rope to get down steadily. Just as I was about to do so, I felt the window where I was standing next to open up as I fell down backwards onto a floor. Having to regain my balance with the long silver hair still intact, I turned around as I saw a nurse arriving into the room as she saw me out of my hospital room in which she saw me out and about.

"Doctor! The patient is out of his room!" she yelled as she saw me flee there.

I sprinted out into the hall as I was trying to get out of this fortress of a hospital altogether. I was ready to take the vents until I spotted one of the laundry carts that was empty. I was ready to go for it as I was ready to take the plunge. I was home free until I felt a foot step on the long silver hair that I had on my head. Turning around, I spotted Kazuo standing there as he refused to budge due to his stern demeanor towards me, for he wasn't about to let me wander free anytime soon.

"You escaped this fortress of a hospital through the window, but you didn't fool me," he said.

"Let me remind you that I have a right to check out any time I wanted to, Kazuo," I said.

"That may be up to the local hospital staff here, but not the Medical Corps. You may have the gall to get out, but you're not in the clear yet."

"This hospital is big enough to be the Empire State Building, but I won't be stuck here for much longer."

"That's what you think, Sam," said Anaira as he arrived in time.

"It's you from the protests..."

"Damn straight, Rapunzel. Therefore, I work at this joint, but that doesn't mean that you're off the hook yet. Still, you went for the record by being hospitalized more than doing your duties."

"How long was I here?"

"Since you've been a special case, you were unconscious for three days in which that surge of raw power that you displayed lit up the whole city. As for what was left of Derwent's tower and penthouse, the picketers continue to loot there in which they got the extra money that they desperately needed after having that late con man swindle them for every single dinarii they had."

"Then I feel better now."

"Not quite, Sam," said Kazuo. "Let me remind you that you are about to be examined by the top staff in this hospital. They were very grateful that you stepped in and gave everyone in this region hope after Derwent lost his life due to the stupidity that he wrought."

"I saw it in front of me in which Derwent made a deal with a Crossroads Demon in which he sold his soul for a ten-year contract. When that expired, his fate was sealed in which his soul got dragged down to Hell by a hellhound the moment he made that deal."

"You're not the only one who knows about such deals with demons. From the looks of it, most Crossroads demons often prey on the vulnerable, but Derwent's demon tracked him down by chance in which she knew of what he was doing, only to have him get a taste of his own medicine in the end."

"Speaking of medicine," said Anaira as he saw a group of members of the Medical Corps approaching. "It's time for your usual checkup, Rapunzel, so I suggest that you get on board."

"I'd rather be out of this tower of horrors than be in it!"

"It's either doing as you're told or going to the Review Board," said Kazuo sternly. "Take your pick because your life is constantly on the line right now."

I saw a wheeled stretcher there in front of me as I had no other choice but to lay down the moment I had a blanket covering me. Still, I hated being stuck in hospitals as I had no other choice but to do so, for it was something that was a mandatory thing for me after all…

Ryosuke was inside of the tower that had Derwent's penthouse in it as he was scoping it out with a hint of suspicion. Even though it was nearly stripped bare of its money and possessions, he couldn't get over the fact that the latter who owned the building made a deal with a Crossroads demon, only to have his soul get dragged down towards Hell in the end. By the time he left the building, he saw Crowley standing in front of him as he was most likely to be getting what was left from it in which he would soon send a message to those who crossed him.

"Bee in your bonnet, Ryosuke?" he said.

"No, but after we salted and burned Derwent's body, we kept cleaning up the building as the place was once owned by one of the nobles in Emperor Wan's court," he said. "After that, Randll Derwent ousted the owner and his family in which he kept an iron grip over those who spoke poorly of him."

"There's a decent amount of Puppy Chow there..."

"Even though the latter is dead, the rest of his cohorts won't rest easily in which we can't lose sight of the Executive Division and their allies."

"And I thought that offing myself in the alternate rift in the Elder Days was bad..."

"You may be off the radar, but there are those in the Toller Family and the Black Dragon Guild who would want you eliminated due to your surviving a suicide bombing."

"I've had worse, Peaches, for I've been stabbed, shot at, had my demonic mojo removed, had a finger jabbed up my ass, and even ended up being blown up in the teahouse I worked in. I've had my fair share of trouble, but having those assassins and Darbus Toller sympathizers chasing after me? I won't back down so quietly."

Ryosuke walked towards a wall in the lobby area as he was some wallpaper peeling off a large revelation. In a twist of fate, he walked towards the wall as he tore off most of the wallpaper to reveal another mural of me and Reiko in a castle surrounded by many planets and stars. Even Crowley noticed it as he couldn't shake off the fact that our matter in being in the Destiny of Worlds was still strong, for this wasn't about to fall on the back burner quietly. It wasn't long until both he and Ryosuke saw Emperor Wan approaching as he was also ready to investigate the further looting that the protestors did in which he also noticed the mural that was painted on the wall, for it was a further omen in the making so far.

"This is very uncanny indeed," he said as he was staring at the mural. "Looks like Sam and Reiko have their work cut out for them after all."

"Your Majesty, you shouldn't be out and about like that," said Ryosuke.

"And get cooped up by my advisors? Not a chance 'cause I can't just let my people suffer under the yoke of elected chieftains in my regions who abuse their power and allow the needy and poor to suffer."

"Well, this place was once like Scrooge McDuck's money bin before the looters picked it clean," said Crowley. "Therefore, Derwent had it coming in which he won't get out of the pit so easily."

"I hate to break it to you, but Sam and Reiko must be protected or else everything will suffer, including Heaven and Hell. It's been said that their presence will bring this galaxy into a golden age in which we will even revere them as gods."

"If Moose 2.0 and his Elven wife ever maintain god-like status, let's hope that they put the Executive Division in their place once and for all because they've gone too far in their petty little power trip. In the end, let's hope that they step on the toes of that ice bitch who now leads the Executive Division before it's too late."

With Crowley voicing his opposition against the Executive Division, he was ready like the rest of us to stop them and their allies as he was getting fed up with what they were doing. As for this ongoing war, there was no end to it whatsoever as we had to hold onto the safety bar long enough, for this wasn't going away in the long run…

I was in a sterile room as I was being scanned and examined thoroughly. I found the state-of-the-art technology in this area to be more like a torture dungeon instead of a calming one as I was had my vitals examined while having my blood drawn for testing. Still, I was the ultimate lab rat in the eyes of the Medical Corps as I was constantly evolving to the point of exhaustion. By the time I saw Anaira arriving, he had his own medical kit in his hands as he opened it up and got out a stethoscope in order to listen to my heart and lungs. With a blood pressure cuff wrapped around my arm, I felt it pumping as it squeezed it until I felt it deflate while I felt the diaphragm part of the stethoscope near my elbow. I was caught in the thick of it as I was stuck here in this fortress of a hospital, for I wasn't about to leave anytime soon.

"Looks like your blood pressure's slightly spiked, Rapunzel," said Anaira as he removed the blood pressure cuff from my arm. "Looks like you're easily stressed out constantly, but it'll be remedied once you get the go-ahead to get back to the castle in Anzu Village."

"You may get the approval from your superiors to let me go, but not your grandfather," I said. "He has a tendency to keep me hospitalized due to the raw power that I have."

"Grandfather may be stern, but that doesn't mean that you can't be cooped up in a hospital room forever. You've got other responsibilities to muster, including your family."

"I know, but I hate being cooped up in a hospital room for far too long."

"Dude, I know how it goes, but..." I see him remove the top part of my hospital gown as he placed the diaphragm part of the stethoscope on my chest. "...You can't just make a premature judgment call in a time of uncertainty. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like you to breathe deeply."

I obeyed as I breathed inward and outward. I even coughed up a bit as I was also not out of the woods yet after Anaira finished up my examination. Still, I was most likely to be stuck in the hospital for a while as I had no other choice but to do so until I was about to get a reprieve so far.

"Wait! Ma'am, you can't go in there!"

"My husband is in there!"

I heard Reiko's voice as I noticed her bursting into the room I was in. She was concerned about my health as she was also adamant into bringing me home on the spot, for I worried everyone back home in the castle. I was grateful that she was there, but she was not having it as she was ready to bring me home on the spot.

"You had me worried!" she yelled.

"It wasn't my fault to begin with," I said. "You can thank Miriam for forcing me to come here to Menark against my wishes."

"It's a shame that Derwent didn't live after he made a deal with one of those Crossroads demons, but in the end, he had it coming after hoarding all his funds and not giving the needy a single dinarii."

"After Derwent's death, I felt a surge of raw power bursting through the sky in which I couldn't control it. Therefore-"

"Not another word, Sammy. Besides, you should come home anyway because the children keep telling me about the dumpling stand in Anzu Village and how yummy they taste."

"I hate to break it to you, but if you guys go out to try the dumplings in Anzu Village, then I suggest that you take it up with Grandfather," said Anaira as he stared at Reiko directly. "It's been a long time since the I last saw you, Reiko, but tagging Rapunzel as your husband has a lot of advantages."

"I know, but Sammy has to go to further advantages before he acheives what he's missed for so long."

"Grandfather told me about his mental state in which he's also been known to have clinical depression. I looked in the records, but he's also highly sensitive." Anaira sees me getting out of the wheeled stretcher as I was on my feet. "Hey, you're not done yet, Sam."

"I have to pee," I said.

"Hey, Rapunzel;" I see Anaira get out a plastic cup that had a green lid on top of it. "If you gotta go, then you have to fill'er up!"

At that moment, I walked towards the bathroom with the plastic cup in my hands as I closed the door behind me. Taking off the green lid, I placed the plastic cup on above the toilet without a seat as I began to do my business in it. With the cup filled to the brim, I placed the green lid over it as I grabbed a paper towel and placed it on the counter in which I began to finish up my business without relieving myself in a container. By the time I finished, I flushed the toilet as I grabbed the filled cup and was ready to go out until I saw a small compartment near the sink. Opening it up, I saw a different room next to it as I even noticed a sign that said, "urine and stool specimens," in bold black letters on it. With the cup placed into the compartment, I closed the door as I washed my hands in the sink. After I did that, I left the bathroom as I was ready to go straight home, for I was eager to do so after what I went through…

A few hours later, I checked myself out of the fortress of a hospital as I was dressed in only my hospital gown and robe before going towards the train station. When Reiko accompanied me, she followed me to our ride to Anzu Village until we noticed the Impala parked in front of the station. Getting out of the car, I noticed Dean emerging as he was eager to bring us home instead of boarding the train, for he wasn't about to let me off the hook yet.

"We're not taking the car today, Dean," I said as I began to feel exhausted.

"And miss the open road? Not a chance," he said as he grinned.

"It's better that we take the train. Besides, I'd rather be resting at home than being in that high-tech torture chamber that is a juiced-up version of a sex dungeon. All I want is to go straight home to the castle after that fiasco that Miriam pulled on me, are we good?"

"That 'torture chamber' is the top-notch tech that's the best in the galaxy here on Drakonus in which they got a lot of funding after that dickbag got ganked by a hellhound. After that, your surge of raw power became more than just a light show. It's a rallying cry to stand up against those who abuse their position just to force the poor and needy to suffer. Now, if you don't mind, you can ride shotgun..." Dean sees me get in the back seat as I felt more tired than normal. "...or not… Anyway, Magda and the girls are there, but they've been talking about those dumplings there in Anzu Village. You should try some, Sam."

I saw Dean and Reiko get in the front seat of the Impala as we all left Menark altogether. The car ride to Anzu Village was a long one as I watched the scenery that was there in the form of trees and rice paddies being farmed. I was feeling tired even more as I began to close my eyes. By the time I began to fall asleep, I was dreaming as I found myself in a field by a river. I was happy to have control of my dream for once as I didn't have to worry too much. On a whim, I was ready to go towards the river as I walked towards it. I was happy that I didn't have to be stressed out as I decided to go into the water in which I found it to be very warm to wade in. I was in a controlled state of bliss until I sensed an ominous presence all over me. The scenery of the field began to catch on fire as I saw the flames roaring in front of me. What was happening? Why can't I have any good dreams without any bad things occurring?

In that moment, I saw the river turn into blood as I felt something pulling me under. I was struggling to stay afloat as I also noticed Lucifer standing on the shore taunting me, for he was there to cause me trouble on a dangerous scale. I was trying to keep my head above water as I also noticed the nuisance in front of me get out a pitchfork as he began to attack me with it. He was enjoying it as he wanted me to suffer even worse.

"What's the matter? Can't swim?" he said as he grinned.

I continued to keep my head above water as I felt the pitchfork stabbing into my shoulder. I was drowning and bleeding in my dream until I woke up in a bathhouse fully naked and being scrubbed down near a wash basin. To my shock, I saw Dean scrubbing me down with soap and hair care as he was cleaning me up very well. After all the soapiness, I took point and rinsed myself off as I was fully clean after being stuck in there. I decided to skip the bath until I was being steered towards one of the tubs that was filled with hot water. I didn't want to take the full bath as I wanted to just get out and go to bed after all the trouble I went through, but I couldn't get out of it, no matter what I tried to do.

"Let me out of here," I said as I was still tired.

"Not without the full bath, Sam," said Dean as he shoved me into the bathtub. "I never had a hard time to get your gargantuan ass out of the car, but your hair?"

"I should get a trim after this..."

"If you did that, then you would suffer the wrath of Yashamaru if that ever happened. Still, there's nothing wrong with your hair, okay? And if you preferred to be the same like the rest of us, then it would end up very boring and there's no problem with being different."

"It's not easy, but I can manage… Still, I hate every inch of me that should've been the same like the rest of us. I should've had my hair cut short like the other soldiers in the fort on Gehenna. I never had any good qualities and I never will… I'm just…, nothing… I should've been the same like all of you so I wouldn't be put under the yoke of Sylvanus attacking me, but-"

"That's enough, Sam. You can't just be the same like us 'cause it won't work. If you went that route, then it would be both boring and bland at the same time. In a pool that caters to both end, I'd go deep instead of hanging all over the shallow end for too long. And another thing, you shouldn't be talking bad about yourself. It ain't healthy, so I suggest that you shut up and enjoy your bath."

I continued to relax in the tub as I only stared directly at the ceiling. Still, the dreams of self-loathing I had were a reminder that I still had to struggle with the constant insecurities that I had for a while. I couldn't shake the torment of both Soulless Sam and Lucifer ganging up on me as I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I was a wreck after overexerting my raw power to my limit as I got up out of the bathtub, drained the water out, and got a towel to dry myself off. With the towel placed into the hamper, I dressed up in my nightclothes and underclothes as I was on my way out of the bathhouse and going straight back towards the main house of the castle. When I entered inside, I was on my way towards the elevator as I was ready to go up to my room. Just as I was about to do so, I felt a foot stepping on my long hair as I turned around and saw Reuben standing from behind. He was concerned about my health as he didn't want me to sulk for too long, for it was vital that I didn't do so.

"Let me pass," I said as I yanked the bottom of my hair up.

"After what you went through, you can't just go upstairs and sulk in your room all the live long," said Reuben. "For the record, you endured a broken rib, a gunshot wound, and a power surge in which all three have definitely made you tired."

"Just let me go up to my room, alright?"

"Not until you get something to eat first. For a while, Reiko and the other women have been busting their asses making dinner for everyone."

"I'll eat when I feel like it, but right now, I'm tired and I just want to stay in bed." I felt my knees buckling to the pressure of the exhaustion as I was not doing too well. "I just want to go straight to bed right now..."

"You're getting dinner like the rest of us whether you like it or not, Sam." I see Reuben helping me up to my feet until he felt my forehead, which was hot to the touch. "You're getting another fever again. I guess that it's time for your bedtime after all, but not without something to eat in which it can be brought towards you."

I was being escorted by Reuben as we both went inside of the elevator in which we were going towards the floor I was staying at. By the time we reached it, we stepped out of the elevator as we were going towards a different room. It was the same, but it had a futon on the floor. Getting into it, I wrapped myself up in the warm blankets as I did nothing but stare at the ceiling. I was listless after that overexertion of my raw power as I had a thermometer shoved into my mouth. As usual, I was often stuck with a fever as I had no other choice but to stay in bed after what I went through.

"Looks like you've been put through the ringer," I heard Reuben say as I saw him feel at my wrist.

"I've had better days," I said.

"Your pulse is slightly weak, but steady. Also, you shouldm't talk bad about yourself too much. It's not healthy for you to do so."

"You heard about me having to loathe every single fiber of my own being, didn't you?"

"Dean told me about it while you were in the bathhouse. He said that you loathed yourself because you were different. You even contemplated on trying to cut your hair just to look like the rest of us, but if that ever happened, then you would not only invoke disappointment, but the wrath of Yashamaru as well and he doesn't like it when you give your hair a little trim. That lesson was a harsh one while we were still on board the Kurokage at the time, but your hair still tends to get out of control from time to time. It's not fun, but we had to go through with it anyway." I see Reuben take out the thermometer out of my mouth as he read the reading on it. "So far, you've got a temperature of 102.1 right now, but you also can't just go without anything to eat in which Reiko and the others are busy preparing some dumplings for dinner."

"That's very comforting to hear..."

It wasn't long until I spotted Dean coming into the room with a tray of food in his hands. The sight of the dumplings sounded good to me as I also noticed a large bowl that had stir-fry in it. When I saw Dean set the tray down at a table, he was wanting me to eat what was there as he refused to leave until I did so, for I was in dire need of food just like the rest I had to endure so far.

"Okay, Sammy, here's the motherlode there," I heard him say as he was staring at me in the futon I was in. "Reiko and the others worked their asses off just to make this, so I suggest that you get up and eat your dinner."

"I would, but I'm not hungry right now."

"So? You can't back out on the good things in life forever."

"Can't you eat it?"

"And spoil the moment without pie? Not a chance!"

"I'm not hungry!"

"Sure you are! You can't just put it off forever, Sammy! Besides, you should try the dumplings anyway 'cause they're the best that we've ever eaten so far."

At that moment, I saw Dean get one of the dumplings from the tray as he went towards me and shoved directly into my mouth. I was ready to spit it out until I felt my brother's hands closing my mouth in which I had no other choice but to chew the dumpling until I swallowed it. Even though I had some food in me, I wasn't happy with Dean when he force-fed me as I wanted to tip all that food over after that. The look on my face signaled that I didn't want to be bothered for the rest of the night as I just wanted to go to sleep, but it wasn't happening just yet. Even Reuben was concerned about my mental state as he was also on hand into coaxing me out of the futon and finish up the food that was put in front of me.

"So, what do you think of the dumpling?" asked Dean.

"I don't have time to criticize food right now," I said. "It's just a dumpling after all."

"How dare you?!" yelled Reuben defensively. "Reiko spent all that time cooking those things with the other women in the kitchen and you say that it's just a dumpling?!"

"I can resist them while going to bed."

"You wouldn't resist them if you tried," said Dean.

"Why can't anyone get that I wasn't hungry to begin with?" I hear my stomach growling as I couldn't contain my fasting for much longer. "Perhaps I'll try one more..."

I got up out of the futon as I went towards the food that was in the tray on the table. With the dumplings on display, I began to eat them one at a time as I tasted them very well. The fillings inside of them were seasoned very well as I couldn't get enough of what was inside of them. By the time I finished up, I was tasting the stir-fry as I found the noodles to be clear in a bed of beef and vegetables that were put into it. With a pair of chopsticks in my hand, I began to eat the rest of it as I couldn't get enough of it. By the time I finished up, I was happy that I ate the dinner as I was ready to go back towards the futon until Dean blocked me for no reason.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Sam?" he said.

"I ate my dinner, alright?" I said as I yawned.

"And you said that it's just a dumpling like my past self once said that the Impala was just a car..."

"I'm terribly sorry that I acted that way towrds you, but I keep having those nightmares in which I notice Soulless Sam staring at me and tell me that I'm nothing but a failure. He even had Lucifer with him in which they enjoyed torturing me in the nightmare that I had."

"I thought that you banished Lucifer from your psyche," said Reuben.

"I thought I did too, but the more negative thinking I have, the stronger my inner demons become… It isn't fun and it's not healthy for me to be tormented by them, either..."

"Well, your personal demons should be told to back off," said Dean. "You keep everyone protected, but you put yourself on the bottom all the time. You can't just say that you're fine 'cause your mental state is much more tattered than you think. Clinical depression isn't something that can be swept under the rug so quietly as this can weigh heavily on you if you're not careful."

I was reminded about how my clinical depression was much worse than I thought as I had to keep my head above water. Still, I was trapped in my own personal self-loathing and self-hatred towards myself as I was struggling internally. I also knew that clinical depression had no shame in which I was reminded about how it had a strong grip over me. Sooner or later, I had to fight back to keep myself afloat, for I was trying to maintain my sanity so far…

Later on in the evening, I was tossing and turning in my room as I was dreaming about the same white room all over again. The image of it was unsettling for me as I felt the room shift into yet another image from the Elder Days. It was very unsettling as I saw my past self scared to death as he was also being tormented by Lucifer in which he dogged him relentlessly. It was at that moment that I saw Lucifer change into Dean's past self as he was ready to torture him even further.

"What's the matter, Sam?" I heard him say as he smirked. "Don't you like hanging with your big brother? We've been through a lot since the Apocalypse, but you've seem kind of… what's the word?… distant right now?"

I saw the relentless torture coming from Lucifer as he was torturing my past self just to push the buttons that he desired. Even though I was helpless to intervene, I was praying for help until I saw Dean's past self burst in the moment he noticed my own past self shaking and confused.

"Sam? Sam!"

I notice my brother's past self coming towards my own and Lucifer as he was concerned about the mental state that he was under. I never expected to see a confrontation like that as this was about to get ugly if not careful enough. It was another reel from the Elder Days that I watched as I saw what was going on, for it was just a mental scene from the past after all.

"Oh, look; another me," said Lucifer as he morphs back into his true form.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Dean's past self asked as he saw my own shaken and confused.

It wasn't long until I saw my past self pull his gun on Dean's as he was still confused and shaken while suffering from Lucifer's torment. I never expected to see such tension, but I had to watch helplessly as I saw the scene play on like that from a television drama.

"Whoa, whoa!" Dean's past self yells out as he had his hands up.

"I thought I was with you, Dean," I heard my past self say as he had his gun pointed.

"Okay…, well here I am..."

"No…, I don't..." My past self stares briefly at Lucifer as he faces his brother with his gun in his hand. "I can't know that for sure, you understand me?"

"Okay, we're gonna have to start small..."

My past self was scared out of his mind amid the confusion that he suffered from as he was trying to find out what was real or not. Even I was worried as I had no other choice but to watch the scene play out as planned, for it was yet another reminder of things that went horribly wrong. Even with the torment of Lucifer still going, I was desperate to reach out, but I was barred from doing so, for it was the epitome of trouble on the horizon.

"I don't remember driving here…," my past self said as he was scared to death.

"Well, that's because I drove," said Lucifer. "We fought… Sam is very suggestive..."

My past self fires a gunshot towards a wall, even though Dean's past self didn't see Lucifer at the time.

"Whoa! Whoa! Sam!" I heard Dean's past self yelling. "This discussion does not require a weapon's discharge!" I see my past self panting harshly as he had the gun in his hand in which I noticed my brother's trying to coax him back towards the reality around him. "Look at me… C'mon, you don't know what's real? Man, I've been to Hell… Okay, I know a thing or two about torture… enough to know that it feels different… than the pain of this… this regular stupid crappy this..."

"No, how can you know that for sure?" I heard my past self say.

"Let me see your hand..." I see my past self lend Dean's his own hand at first until he stops him. "No, no; the gimp hand, let me see it."

"Smell you, Florence Nightingale," said Lucifer with a smirk.

It wasn't long until I saw my past self's left hand all bandaged up after he cut it in which it was something that was there and recorded in the Elder Days. I never expected him to be in so much pain and mental torture like that in which I felt a single tear rolling down my cheek. He was hurting for his sins. He was suffering from the mental torment that he shouldered just as much as I did as mine was even blended with the self-loathing and self-hatred that I kept on my back for years.

"Hey," I see Dean's past self grab my own's left bandaged hand as he forced him to look at him directly. "This is real… not a year ago, not in Hell,… now! I was with you when you cut it; I sewed it up… Look!"

I see Dean's past self jab a finger into where my own damaged his hand in which he felt the rush of pain overwhelming him to the point of Lucifer starting to disappear from view. Still, I noticed Lucifer not budging as he was not about to go away quietly, for he was making himself firm due to his scare tactics that he built all over my past self's mental psyche to the extreme.

"We've done a lot more with pain," he said.

My past self looks briefly at Lucifer again as he was losing focus on his brother who was trying to convince him that his reasons were real. It was a complicated bind as I watched the confrontation in the old abandoned building play out the rest of the way, for I was seeing this parallel the misery that I had during my days at living in the fort on Gehenna.

"This is different, right?" Dean's past self said as he continued to jab his finger into my own's hand to the moment of drawing blood from an already soaking bandage. "Then the crap that's tearing into your walnut, I'm different, right?"

"You don't think so..." my past self said as he released himself from his brother's grip.

"You sure about that, bunk buddy?" said Lucifer.

"Sam..." Dean's past self said as he saw my own jab his own finger into where his hand was injured to the brink of shorting Lucifer out from his mind. "Sam..."

"It doesn't mean anything..."

"Hey..." Dean's past self was staring at my own as he was trying again to coax him out of the confusion that he was under. "I am your flesh and blood brother, okay? I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away… We got you out, Sammy..."

"Sammy..." My past self continues to cause more pain in his injured hand the moment Lucifer disappears. "I'm the only one who could-"

"Believe in that! Believe me, okay? You gotta believe me… You gotta make it stone number one and build on it, you understand?!"

"Yeah; yeah… Agreed," I heard my past self say as he was still reeling from the confusion.

It wasn't long until I saw the scenery turn into a that of a library of sorts. I never expected to come towards something like that before as I saw something appear in the form of what I never noticed before until now. From the looks of what I noticed, I knew of it to be none other than Torune Mitani himself as he was there to give me a warning of not abandoning myself in a dire time of need, for it was most likely to be given to me so far.

"I take it that you saw what was there in front of you," he said to me.

"Torune… Mitani… The High Elf who protected the galaxy," I said. "From what Ippei told me, he said that you were known as the man who killed Lucifer."

"Sam Winchester in the flesh, I see that you ignore the advice of not paying attention to yourself in which you suffer worse among those who are willing to help you in your time of need."

"'Time of need?' What for"

"You saw how Lucifer tormented your past self in the Elder Days, You also feel the burdens of what you go through in the form of a loving wife, a group of children, and the rest of your friends and family who beckon you do do more with yourself other than them. It was what my Terran brethren in the Shaolin temple told me before they were all slaughtered by the one who continued to torment you in both past and future. Still, that memory of tragedy that I had became a rallying cry instead of a burden in which I sought justice for myself and the ones who I considered to be brothers. As for your own predicament, I say unto you to keep balance in your friends, your loved ones and yourself. It is the only thing that I can say to you now because there are those who are willing to covet what they don't have."

"It's the Executive Division and their allies and they won't stop until they quench their insatiable lust for power."

"It's the raw power that you have, don't you? It's been said that only the Messiah of the Galaxy can harness such a thing in the form of what was painted on the walls by the Draaza. As for your own troubles, you still struggle with the hidden talents that have been taken away from you by those who wanted to keep you docile just to make you their weapon to be abused. It's a sad reality, but you can't let that define you, nor can you allow those who deem you of no value take advantage of what you have. You have a kind heart, Sam, for you also have the greatest weapon other than your raw power and that is none other than empathy. It's the driving force that connects you with those who have suffered a lot worse, for it will always be your ally in the end."

I see a jewelry box in the form of the Winchester sigil on a table as I picked it up carefully. Out of curiosity, I saw a wind-up key on the bottom of it as I winded it up carefully. I opened it up as I saw small car in the shape of the Impala spinning around as I heard the song, "Carry On Wayward Son," playing in form of a music box tone. I was staring at it directly as I was reminded to continue onward and keep going, for I wanted to be there for everyone and myself. Just as I was about to put the music box back, I felt the floor shake until I woke up from the dream I had. I saw it to be morning as I even noticed a wet washcloth on my forehead. Even though I was still suffering from a fever, I felt my forehead thoroughly until I noticed that it was broken overnight. Getting up out of the futon I was in, I walked towards the window as I saw the rain pouring from outside in which it was a dreary day to wash away the remainder of the melting snow. Just as I was about to leave the room, I noticed the door opening as I saw Reiko entering with a tray of food in her hands the moment she placed it on the table near the futon. The sight of crepes with strawberry and cream cheese was more than enough to make my stomach growl as I was happy to get it so far.

"Good morning," she said to me.

"It's raining out there," I said.

"I know, but the children have been in one of the lounge rooms playing with some of the equipment that was put in there."

"It's yet another ping-pong table and a couple of board games, but it's better than being out in the rain."

"By the way, you couldn't resist the dumplings that I made last night in which no matter how many times that you say that it's just a thing, you can't ever pull away from it."

"Reiko…," I turn around and face her as I was very troubled with a side order of sorrow. "I am so, so sorry that I acted poorly towards Dean and Reuben yesterday."

"I know, but you can't just hate yourself forever. Even Grandfather once said that if those who hate themselves even further, they are literally sinning against the gods for the way they were made."

"I saw that the hard way, but I can't ignore it. It's a harsh reality, but it won't go away quietly."

"Sammy, you shouldn't worry too much, alright? Besides you may think that nothing good will come of what you go through, but I see things differently because if things were the same, they would be boring. Now, if you don't mind, I suggest that you calm down and eat your breakfast. It's the most you can do for this morning."

I didn't say another word as I sat down at the table and began to eat my breakfast. As for the rest of my problems, I was eager to keep them at bay as I also had to be alert for the lingering moment of self-loathing and self-hatred that would bog me down. It was a dangerous reality, but I had no other choice but to deal what was in front of me whether I liked it or not…

To be continued…