It's been years since I wrote in my journal, but I figured I'd give it a try after my therapist said writing might help me work through this. Except every time I sit down to write, I just stare at the blank page. How do I even put a loss like this into words?

Judy paced back and forth in the empty waiting room on the third floor of Zootopia General Hospital. She paused when an otter surgeon stepped through a nearby door.

The otter walked towards Judy with a quizzical look on his face, and she blurted out, "Before you ask, yes, I really am Nick's designated medical contact."

The otter nodded. "The fasciotomy closure went well, and his limbs should recover in a few weeks, though he'll need physical therapy after that.

Judy listened to the rest of the updates from the doctor as he explained everything Nick was still recovering from: frostbite of his extremities, concussion, broken ribs, exposure. The otter looked nervous for a moment, before he finally finished with, "Based on similar cases, we think he'll be conscious in the next few days."

Judy's ears drooped. "Will he be… what about his brain, will he recover?"

The otter did his best to give her a comforting smile. "The CT scans look promising. We'll just have to wait and see."

I was on a train headed to Northlund, when a polar bear couple found Nick wandering in the woods. He ended up getting airlifted to Zootopia, so I turned around and came back home.

It was terrifying when I finally got to see him in the hospital. Even though Nick was unconscious, he was snarling, trembling, and spent long stretches of time incoherently rambling.

At least I didn't lose him, not physically anyway. He's lucky to be alive, considering that on top of everything else, he came really close to terminally overdosing on nightshade.

Judy paced back and forth in the darkened room, pausing every now and then to look at Nick's still form on the bed, before continuing to do her best to wear a path in the linoleum floor. She wondered for the hundredth time how much longer it would be before she was driven insane by the constant beeping of the machines monitoring his vital signs, when he spoke.

"Karla."

Judy froze, unsure if she'd actually heard Nick.

His voice was a dry mumble when he spoke again. "Karla, I'm sorry."

"Nick?" Judy moved to touch him, but stopped after remembering the last time, when a large clump of his fur had come off in her paw.

His breathing shifted. He sniffed once and smiled before he opened his eyes. He licked his dry lips for a few moments and then said, "Hey Carrots." Judy looked at him uncertainly through the mass of tubes and wires. Nick patted the bed next to him. "Come over here." Judy was surprised by how rough his voice was, and his dilated pupils gave him an eerie, haunted look. Even though his arms were restrained, Nick did his best to return Judy's hug.

"Nick, I… I'm sorry-"

Judy started to pull away, but he pressed his muzzle down along her spine to keep her close. "Later. We'll talk later. Just hugging now." After a few quiet moments, Nick shifted so she could pull away and he added, "Don't worry Fluff, I'm fine."

Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "I swear, you'd say that even if you lost an arm and were bleeding out."

Nick glanced down at the rest of his body and spoke softly. "Looks like I came pretty close." He briefly wiggled his extremities before he asked, "How long have I been out?"

Judy replied, "Almost a week."

She eyed his restraints, but Nick noticed and shook his head. "How about we let the doc decide when it's safe to let me loose?" Judy nodded and pressed the button to call the nurse while Nick closed his eyes and fell back into the bed. "What about my dad? And Karla, and the kits?"

"We still don't know what happened to either your dad or Karla." Judy briefly debated if telling him more would worry him unnecessarily, before she decided to continue. "The truck you tried to escape in slid off the road. Mammals were airlifted to several nearby hospitals afterwards, and we still haven't sorted it all out. The Northlund precinct is in total chaos, while they search for the criminals who were holding you captive and also try to locate the parents of the kits you rescued. Chief Bogo went up yesterday with a few other officers to help sort it out."

"My dad was driving the truck-"

"The Chief is looking into it. Speaking of which, he wanted me to let him know when you woke up." She kept talking as she pulled out her phone and texted Clawhauser. "We suspected the other two foxes in the videos were your father and Karla Lisza."

"Videos?"

Judy nodded. "From surveillance tapes recovered at the abandoned prison." She hit the send button and looked back up at Nick and smiled.

He inhaled a few times before he spoke again. "Seems like I've missed a lot while I was out."

Judy's phone dinged, and she glanced at the text message. "Clawhauser said he hopes you are doing ok, and that the Chief will come by tomorrow when he gets back." Judy paused uncertainly, unsure of what else to say, until she remembered the crayon drawing in her shoulder bag and pulled it out. "I almost forgot, Peggy drew this for you. She kept begging me to smuggle her in here, but I told her she'd have to wait until you were moved to a regular room." Nick smiled after Judy held up the scribbly crayon drawing of a small rabbit holding a fox's paw.

She placed the drawing on the table next to the bed and Nick closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he asked, "How long have you been pregnant?"

The suddenness of the question caught Judy off guard. Her breath hitched, and she burst into tears.

I was trying to find a way to talk to him about the eggs, but I should have known he'd figure it out on his own. Of course with that nose of his, Nick could smell my hormones were still out of whack, even though I'd stopped taking them a few days ago when the ultrasound showed none of the eggs had implanted.

I feel so much guilt about everything. The doctor told me these things happen, and I didn't do anything wrong...

I didn't realize how much I needed to talk to Nick, and how good he could be at listening when it really mattered. It's funny, because he got more out of me in ten minutes than the therapist did this past week.

I feel like such a jerk. Even though Nick was the one in the hospital, he spent all afternoon comforting me.

Judy peeked through the observation window to find Nick watching television, and was glad to see that his restraints had been removed. When she entered the room, Nick turned off the TV. He held out his arms and waggled his eyebrows. "Come here so I can give you a proper hug." They held each other quietly for a few moments before he spoke again. "I've had awhile to think about things, and I'm sorry I left without telling you goodbye."

"Nick-"

"Let me finish. I really left things a mess, especially if Herd Corp pulls their sponsorship from the new warren..."

Judy smiled. "It's ok, Clawhauser fixed it."

"Seriously? How?"

"Well, it turns out Gazelle threatened to drop them as a sponsor after our favorite chubby cheetah, who just happens to be the secretary of her online fan club, let her know what was going on."

"No way."

Judy nodded. "Especially after the story of you saving all those kits hit the news. You're a hero now, Slick."

Nick looked uncomfortable at the last part, but before Judy could ask him what was wrong, he looked out the observation window behind her and said, "I see Chief Buffalo Butt is finally here, maybe I'll get-"

Nick's muzzle snapped shut, and he whimpered. Judy turned to look over her shoulder, just in time to see the Chief take off his glasses and slowly put them in his pocket.

The truck that Nick and the other mammals were trying to escape in slid off the road. It ended up in a frozen river, and while everyone in the back was able to escape with minor injuries, John was trapped in the cab and drowned. Even though he tried to hide it, Nick took the news about his father's death really hard, and I could see him shutting down as the Chief spoke.

Nick had to sign a few things so his dad's body could be moved to Zootopia. After that, Chief Bogo said someone would be coming by to take Nick's statement regarding the two mammals he attacked while he was escaping. I was surprised when the Chief asked me to leave the room, but I suppose they needed to discuss what was coming. Even though Nick was dosed up on nightshade, the deaths still need to be investigated.

Officer Delgato arrived to keep watch over Nick's room. The Chief isn't really worried about the mammals that held Nick captive, but Marmota has been seen lurking around the hospital, so it seems like a good idea to have an officer around to keep an eye on things.

Judy stuffed her journal into her shoulder bag when several mammals arrived and entered Nick's room. Before she could follow them, Chief Bogo crouched and stepped through the small doorway. He paused and turned to look back at Nick. "I'm sorry for your loss, Officer Wilde." The Chief closed the door behind him and nodded at Delgato before he said, "Walk with me, Hopps."

They made their way towards the elevators, and Bogo spoke again. "Marmota is under investigation, and I'm giving you an assignment related to the case. I need you to go through previous issues of the Zootopia Gossip and make a list of the mammals he's targeted in the past. But before that, you need some rest. Go home, Hopps. Wilde can't have any visitors while he's being examined by that herd of specialists, and then they're moving him to a regular room. Rest and come back tomorrow, that's an order." Judy started to complain, and he knelt down on one knee and said in a soft voice, "I know you were planning on asking for maternity leave. Both of you have losses to deal with right now. If you fight me on this, I'll order you to take time off anyway." Judy swallowed nervously and nodded before the Chief continued. "You'll be working with Clawhauser. He'll drop off the magazines here tomorrow."

Judy realized that Chief Bogo was giving her an assignment she could work on while spending time with Nick in the hospital. "Thank you, Chief."

Bogo snorted. "Don't thank me. I'm giving you the work no one else wanted."

I see what the Chief meant now; I felt like I needed brain bleach after reading the first magazine. But what was it Bun Tzu said? Know your enemy. So lately, I've been torturing my way through these terrible articles and compiling a list of every mammal Marmota has smeared over the years.

I picked up a new phone for Nick, so he wouldn't feel as isolated at the hospital when I'm not around. I'll have to remember to get him an orange case later, so we can tell them apart, since it's the same model as mine.

Speaking of Nick, I'm happy to report that some of my family have been visiting him in the hospital. What's more surprising is I didn't even have to mention it first… they just started coming by on their own.

Judy stepped through the door of Nick's room and froze. Hovering next to his bed was a mammal she'd never seen before, a vixen dressed in dark scrubs. The early morning sunlight slanted in the window and highlighted her bright red fur.

"Hey Carrots, this is Miss..." Nick looked at the other fox questioningly.

The vixen gently put her paw on Nick's arm and said in a sultry voice, "Please, you should call me Lexi."

The save me look on Nick's face almost made Judy giggle, but she kept her tone serious when she spoke. "Nice to meet you, Lexi. I'm Officer Hopps, and I need to have a word with Officer Wilde, if you don't mind."

"Of course." Lexi sauntered towards the door and said over her shoulder, "You've got my number."

Judy did her best not to slam the door behind the vixen before she turned to look at Nick and cross her arms.

Nick laughed. "Thanks for getting rid of her. And don't worry Carrots, there's nobunny but you in my life." Judy rolled her eyes and he added, "Could you do me a favor? She put her number in my phone, and I'd appreciate it if you could delete it for me." He nodded towards the device, which was charging on a table out of his reach.

Judy opened his contacts and snorted when she found Lexi's number at the very top. She couldn't help but feel a surge of jealousy, and Judy tried to keep her tone casual. "You sure you want me to delete it, Slick? She put hearts around her name and everything."

"Fluff…" Nick stopped speaking and sniffed before he said, "Huh."

Judy's finger hovered over the delete button. "What?"

"I just… I know Hazel is bringing Peggy by again later this week. I don't suppose you could ask Zeke to come too?"

Well, there's something, Nick asking to talk to Zeke. At first I thought he was just trying to distract me from his mysterious vixen visitor, but Nick kept insisting he and Zeke needed to have a long overdue conversation.

At least Peggy was finally able to come by for a visit. She's been bugging everyone about getting to see Nick for over two weeks now.

Judy exited the elevator and found Hazel and Peggy waiting outside Nick's room.

Hazel asked, "How are you holding up?"

Judy shrugged. "Okay, I guess." She hugged both of the other bunnies in turn and was about to speak again when Zeke emerged from Nick's room. And to everyone's amazement, he was smiling.

Hazel scooped up Peggy and said, "Sorry Judy, we've got to run and pick up the other kits. I'll call you later?" Judy stopped gaping at Zeke and nodded to Hazel before she went into Nick's room.

To Judy's surprise, Nick also had a large goofy grin plastered on his face. "You're looking even more smug than usual. Did you finally convince Zeke to get over his specist attitudes?"

Nick smirked and shook his head. "It was never about that, at least not really. Remember when he was busy working on the new warren? He was there so much, he hardly ever saw his family."

Judy nodded, and Nick paused dramatically before he said, "Well, since Peggy liked spending time with me so much… basically, Zeke was jealous."