AUTHOR'S NOTE: Prepare for angst!

Emma's heart continued to pound heavily long after Regina was gone, but no matter how upset she felt, her own tears wouldn't come. Once the feelings finally welled up enough to burst inside her, she rolled onto her stomach and screamed into the only pillow on the bed. Still, the tears forming in her eyes refused to fall, and all she could feel was frustration and guilt. Her voice eventually became raw and her throat became sore from screaming, so she sat up, knelt in front of the pillow, and battered it with her fists, as hard as she could manage. When this provided no release, Emma found herself longing to self-destruct. Not wanting to damage the walls – which she knew she was capable of doing – she slammed her fists against the hardwood floor beside her bed until blood covered the backs of her hands. Only then did she start to cry.

In the morning, she checked her phone for any missed calls or messages and found none. Part of her wanted to text her lover, to apologize, to confess the love she undoubtedly felt for the girl, but she couldn't bring her fingers to type the message. She couldn't get the words out. All that day at work, she pictured the look of anxiety on Regina's face as she had made her confession. The pangs of guilt made her so nauseous that she spent nearly a quarter of her shift in the bathroom, dry heaving, since she hadn't eaten anything since the day before.

Just tell her you're sorry. Tell her you love her too, Emma kept thinking, but she couldn't push past the inhibiting part of her that was so terrified to become that vulnerable. Even though Regina had said it first, it was still too difficult to admit. Of course, she loved Regina. Of course she did. But saying it out loud? It made it too real. It was too much of a risk to commit with her words. It was why she'd needed to get her own apartment. To be on her own. To be independent. There was no way she was going to rely on anyone, not even the girl of her dreams who had never let her down.

Even though she was sure that Regina was too hurt and embarrassed to contact her, Emma continued to check her phone throughout the day. When there were still no messages by the end of her shift, she decided to let off some steam. Her way.

As soon as she pulled the can of red spray paint from her backpack, she felt the adrenaline rush through her, and any other emotions were quickly washed away, at least for the time being. The more she painted – mostly vulgar words and pictures – the more in control she felt. More importantly, she felt alive.

Of course, as is usually the case, at the worst possible moment, bright white, blue, and red lights flashed behind her, and as soon as she saw them reflected on the wall she was defacing, her heart stopped. Oh, shit, she was thinking. Seriously? Now? Of all the times to get caught, it had to be now?

Up until that point, she'd been extremely lucky and had avoided any kind of criminal record. Getting caught red-handed vandalizing a public building… That was new.

"Stupid punks like you who can't even graduate from high school are the reason I hate my job," the cop grumbled as he pushed her into the holding cell at the county jail.

Part of Emma wanted to shoot back with a wisecrack, to say something obscene and offensive, but the adrenaline had worn off, her thoughts had floated back to her undoubtedly broken-hearted lover, and her lack of energy prevented her from speaking.

"Any particular reason you were defacing public property at three in the morning?" the cop sighed, staring her down for an answer but not expecting to receive one.

All Emma could manage was, "I want a lawyer."

"Seriously, kid? I just caught you red-handed. Your prints are all over that spray paint can. You couldn't have incriminated yourself more even if you wrote your own frickin' name on the wall."

Instead of replying, Emma sat down on the bench and dropped her head into her hands.

Given that she was still only 17, she knew the jail would call her parents whether she wanted them to or not. She also knew they wouldn't show up to bail her out. They were probably thanking their lucky stars that she wasn't their problem anymore. But she wasn't going to use her one phone call to reach Regina, or the girl's parents. She was only in her cell for three days before pleading guilty in front of a judge. Luckily for Emma, her crime did not warrant her being sent to a juvenile detention center. Instead, she was sentenced to six months of probation and 100 hours of community service.

By the time she was finally able to check her phone, she no longer felt hopeful that there would be a message from Regina. In fact, she hoped there wouldn't be one. The last thing she needed was for Regina to find out what had happened.

"God," Emma groaned, slamming the back of her head against the wall as soon as she entered her apartment. "She must fucking hate me. Why couldn't I just say it? Why can't I just-"

Being the most inconvenient moment to receive a phone call, she heard her phone ring. She half expected it to be her own parents, but was especially surprised to find 'Mrs. Mills' appearing on the screen.

"Shit!" she cursed, staring down at the phone as it blared its ringtone and vibrated in her hand. "Fuck!" After a short but intense internal debate about whether to answer the phone or not, she picked up the call and said, "Hi, Mrs. Mills."

"Emma! Oh, thank God you answered! I was worried about you. Where've you been? Are you alright?"

Regina hasn't told them? Emma wondered, surprised at Mrs. Mills' concerned and gentle tone.

"I'm… I'm okay."

"Are you sure? You sound-"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm fine," the girl lied, then slammed the back of her head against the wall again.

"Emma… What's going on? Did something happen?"

"I…"

"It's okay, sweetie. You can tell me. Regina won't say a word, but it's been quite some time since we've seen you, and I'm so worried. She's been so upset, but she won't talk to me."

"Is she okay?" Emma blurted without thinking then mentally slapped herself for asking.

"You two haven't spoken, then."

"N-No…"

"Every couple has fights, Emma. It doesn't have to mean-"

"Please, Mrs. Mills. I… I don't know what to say."

"I'm not trying to intrude, dear. I'm just concerned about both of you. You make her so happy, you know. She… She loves you, Emma."

"I know," Emma sighed sadly, thinking of all the ways she'd disappointed the girl. "I know."

She wanted to say, 'I love her too,' but once again, the words refused to surface.

"Listen… I won't keep bothering you. I'll give you your space. But please, Emma… Call me if you need anything. Anything at all. Regina doesn't have to know. If you're in trouble, please come to me. Henry and I care about you, even if the two of you aren't…"

"Thank you, Mrs. Mills. I really appreciate it. I'll be okay, though. And I'm sure Regina will be alright too."

"I hope so. She's certainly not the same without you around."

"Goodnight, Mrs. Mills."

"Emma?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a good girl. Whatever happened between you two… I'm sure you two can work it out, if you want to."

"Thank you," was all Emma could manage.

When Emma's phone rang again three days later, she was surprised once again to find Mrs. Mills' name on her screen.

"Hey, Mrs. Mills. How are-"

"Emma, I know I said I wouldn't bother you, but Regina's in the hospital. She had a really awful fall down the stairs and split her head nearly open. She's been in and out of consciousness, but every time she fades again, she keeps saying your name."

"Oh, my God. What did the doctors say? Is she going to be alright?"

"They say she'll be okay, as long as she keeps waking up. They're worried, though, so they won't send her home yet. That's not the point, though, Emma. When she wakes, she won't talk to us, and when she sleeps, all she wants is you. I don't know what happened between you, but whatever it is, even if you two don't stay together, you need to work it out. She needs closure."

"I can't, Mrs. Mills," Emma choked, her voice cracking. "I-"

"Please, Emma. Please. I love my daughter, and she's in critical condition right now. She needs to see you. Please. I just need to see her happy again. Please, just talk to her."

"I'll be right there."

Emma's breath caught in her chest as soon as she stepped into Regina's hospital room and saw the girl laying on the gurney. She was asleep, luckily, and her mother was sitting right by her side.

"Emma," the older woman said, rising from her chair and taking Emma's hands. "Thank you so much."

"I care about your daughter," the blonde said quietly, fighting back tears.

It was the deepest she could go without breaking, so she turned and looked at Regina to avoid her gaze.

When Emma stepped closer and put her hand on the bedrail, the girl stirred and squirmed under the sheets.

"Emma," she whimpered. "I'm sorry."

Oh, my God, Emma was thinking. She's sorry? What for?

At first, she couldn't speak, but when Regina said her name again, Mrs. Mills gave her a gentle push to move her forward.

With a sigh, Emma touched the girl's hand, which was clenched into a fist, and whispered, "It's okay, Gina. You're gonna be okay."

As soon as Regina subconsciously registered her lover's voice, her eyes shot open.

With no concept of the things she'd been saying in her sleep, the brunette sat up and gaped, "What are you doing here?"

"You were hurt. I just wanted to make sure you were-"

"How did you even know?" Regina demanded, then instantly shot her gaze in her mother's direction. "Mom! Why? I'm… I'm f-f-"

Falling back against the pillows as a wave of dizziness struck her, the girl trailed off and shut her eyes.

"Regina," Emma breathed, resting her palm gently against her lover's forehead, without any thought of the consequences.

"D-Don't," Regina whimpered, breaking from the touch and beginning to cry.

After Mrs. Mills had silently slipped out of the room, Emma's own tears started to fall as she removed her hand and managed to choke out a broken, "I'm sorry."

"You should go."

"Regina, I-"

"No, really. I get it. I do. You felt obligated because she called you and pressured you into-"

"No. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I…"

"You should go."

"Regina, please."

"What? You want to talk now? After days and days of nothing?" When Emma remained silent, Regina added, "Seriously. I get it. Just go." Swallowing hard as she turned around, Emma began to walk away, but before she could make it to the door, Regina let out a strangled sob and cried, "Emma." The blonde immediately turned to face her, but it took Regina another minute to continue and finally ask through tears, "Why?"

"W-Why what?" Emma stammered.

"Why would you treat me like that if you didn't love me?"

"I…"

"Why don't you love me? What is it about me that's so-"

"Regina, wait. I-"

"Is it because I didn't want you to steal shit? Is it because I pressured you into-"

"No! Regina, stop. It's not you. I just can't. I can't."

"I thought we were happy," the brunette sobbed, sitting up and dropping her head into her hands. "I was so happy. And I thought that you… that you were too…"

"I was! Regina, it's not what you think. Please, please believe me. I just… I can't… commit…"

"But you did commit!" Regina cried. "You said you wanted me to be your girl, and that there was no one else you wanted to be with! Why would you say that if it wasn't true? Why wouldn't you just fuck off and leave me alone?"

"It was true! It is true! Regina, I just can't… I can't do the whole… love thing…"

"What is it about me that's not good enough for you?"

"Please, stop. It's nothing like that. My parents raised me to believe that I was scum. I've always been treated like scum. You're the only one who's ever made me feel… like I was more than a piece of trash. But I just can't let myself... I can't give myself to you and just wait for you to change your mind about me."

"I'm not going to change my mind about you! There's nothing you could possibly do that would… would…"

"Hey, hey. Easy," Emma urged her, catching her head as she started to fall backwards, hit by another wave of dizziness.

"D-Don't touch me."

"Regina-"

"It's confusing, okay? You need to just leave."

"I got arrested."

"What?!"

"I got arrested for vandalism."

"Emma! Why didn't you call me!"

"Because I know I broke your heart."

This rendered the brunette silent as she rolled onto her side, facing away from the blonde.

"See?" Emma pressed. "I knew you'd change your mind."

"I haven't," Regina said simply, not moving.

"What?"

"Just tell me why. What happened?"

"I was upset, and I didn't know how else to vent my frustration. It's just what I do, Regina. I'm a fuck up. You need someone who-"

"No," Emma's lover countered, finally rolling over onto her back. "I need you."

"I can't," Emma cried, her tears coming harder and faster as she backed away from the bed.

"I'm not going to leave you or change my mind. I hadn't before, I'm not now, and I never will."

"Regina. You deserve better, and I'll just disappoint you."

"I'm such an idiot! I really thought… I thought… that maybe… maybe you could love me too. But obviously, I was wrong, and you're going to fucking leave me here like this, completely broken."

"Regina…"

"Stop saying my fucking name!"

"Why?"

"Because I love when you say it," Regina sobbed. "I love the sound of it when it's coming from you. It gives me butterflies, and I… I can't take it. I can't stand to be in love with you anymore, when I know you're not in love with me."

"Fuck!" Emma shouted, turning around and dropping to her knees. "I am, Regina! God dammit!"

"What…?"

"I'm so broken and fucked up. I didn't say it because… because if I said it, it would be real, and there'd be no turning back, and I knew I'd get my heart broken if I admitted it. I wanted to. I did. I just… couldn't."

"You're not fucked up…" Emma went silent, though, and didn't respond, so Regina added, "If you love me, don't leave me. Trust me. Trust me not to change my mind."

"I do love you," Emma told her, rising to her feet again, stepping towards the bed, and taking her lover's hand. "I love you. I'm just so fucking scared."

"It's okay to be scared. I'm scared too. But I love you so much that I'm willing to put everything on the line for you."

"When did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That you loved me."

Wiping her eyes, Regina let out a soft chuckle and answered, "When I called you Emma Mills, after you said you didn't want your family's name anymore. I was in love with you way before that, though. That's just what it took for me to realize it."

"B-Before that…?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"When, then?"

"Pretty sure it was in the ambulance to the hospital that I really fell in love with you. When you looked at me with those sad, scared eyes and let me put my hand on your shoulder."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah… Really. Aw, fuck, my head hurts."

"Honey," Emma whispered, gently cradling the girl's head as she placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. "What can I get you? Do you need the nurse?"

"No. I just need you."

The next night, the doctors discharged Regina and sent her home. Once they were all back at the Mills' residence, the family made her comfortable on the couch, and Emma sat down on the floor beside her.

"Get up here," Regina chuckled. "You're not sitting on the floor."

"You need space to stretch out, and I-"

"It's so good to see you girls together again," Regina's mother cut in, after reappearing in the entryway to the living room. Emma blushed lightly and looked away before the woman added, "Why don't you two go upstairs and get some rest? I'm sure you need it, Regina."

"But I just got comfortable," Regina protested with a smile.

Emma laughed and reached for her hand, saying, "I'll carry you, princess."

"Oh, no you won't. I can walk just-"

But before she could finish, she was being scooped up into Emma's strong arms and cradled against the girl's chest.

"Make sure she doesn't get up and try to do anything, okay?" Regina's mother asked Emma.

The blonde nodded and carried the girl up the stairs and into the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind her.

"You okay, champ?" she asked, gently laying Regina down on the bed.

Regina nodded before her head hit the pillow and she said, "Lay down with me. I don't want to sleep without you next to me."

With a slow nod, Emma climbed into the bed beside her lover and rolled onto her side to curl around the girl's body. The brunette smiled sleepily and surprised Emma by gently gripping her thigh and pulling it up so that the girl's leg was draped over her own.

"Hey…" Emma started, but felt herself grow warm as her body got closer to Regina's.

"What?"

"N-Nothing… It just… feels good."

"I like when you're close to me. You're warm."

After a pause, Emma sighed, "I'm so glad you're okay."

"And I'm so glad you're not in jail."

Hearing this, the blonde scowled and sat back up, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Not funny."

"Not laughing."

"I've got a criminal record now. Isn't that kind of a deal-breaker?"

"What? No way. It's kind of a turn-on. You're a badass."

With a laugh, Emma rolled her eyes and gently nudged the girl's shoulder, saying, "Hardly."

They lay like that for quite some time before Emma fell asleep, with Regina tangling her fingers in her hair. She woke in the middle of the night when Regina shifted her weight and started to roll over, but couldn't because of the weight of Emma's thigh over her leg. Opening her eyes, the brunette let out a heavy sigh.

"Hey," Emma whispered, when she realized that Regina was actually awake. "You okay?" Regina nodded her head in the dark, but because Emma couldn't see it, she pressed, "Babe?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"What's the matter?"

"I just feel… I don't know. My head doesn't feel dizzy anymore, but now it's full of stressful thoughts and I can't shut it off."

"Why, though, honey? What are you thinking about?"

"How I'm worried about you. How I don't want you to get hurt."

"What? Where is this coming from?"

"What if you broke in somewhere and some guy fucking shot you? Which he has every right to do on his own property if he mistakes you as someone breaking in to hurt him."

"Regina."

"Seriously, Emma! And what if you get arrested again and lose your job? What if-"

"I won't, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"

"Yes," Regina replied calmly. "That's what I want to hear."

"I thought you said it was badass."

"It is, Em, but… but I care about you, and it's not a joke. Yes, it's hot that you have a blatant disregard for the law and do whatever the hell you want and can beat the living shit out of pretty much anyone. But I care about you, and that means I'm worried about the day that this lifestyle stops working out for you. It's already starting to catch up with you, and I'm scared it's going to get worse."

"Well… I…"

With a heavy sigh, Regina shut her eyes again, saying, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to stress you out. I woke up and that's what immediately popped into my head. I don't know why. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. It's okay. I get it. It's just hard for me to change who I am, you know? I wish I could say I learned my lesson, but honestly… I didn't care if I got caught that time. I was upset, and I felt the need to act out. It didn't matter to me if I got arrested. You were pissed and hurt and not speaking to me, so I didn't care."

"You can't base your life decisions on me and what I think or do."

"Sure I can."

"Okay. Fine. Then stop doing illegal shit that's going to get you hurt or killed or arrested again. How's that?"

"Is that an order, Sarg?"

"Ha-ha. Very funny."

"Guess you get the whole giving-military-orders thing from your dad, huh?"

"Stop it. I was trying to make a point. If you're really so concerned with what I think and do and feel, then you'll stop this. If not for yourself, for me."

"You need to relax and stop worrying about me getting hurt, okay? I'm not the one who took a tumble down the stairs, am I?"

Regina scowled and gave Emma's shoulder a hard shove, saying, "You're a twatwaffle."

"Oooh. Big kid words!"

"Emma!"

"Regina!"

"Stop it. It's not funny. Besides, I feel fine now. I didn't get shot or killed or hit with a baseball bat."

"Well, hey. You know somethin'? It might get me hurt, but it's a great way to pick up chicks!"

"Again, very funny."

"Well, it's how I got you, right?"

"I mean… I guess so."

"And you're the only chick I ever want to pick up. So it works out."

"Then it's safe to say you can stop now."

"Alright… Ya got me there."

"I know."

"Now, go back to sleep, okay? You need your rest. I know you said your head doesn't hurt anymore, but I'm worried about you, and-"

"Hold me, okay?"

Emma didn't have to be told twice. She wrapped her arms around her lover gently and curled back into her side, resting her head on the girl's shoulder.

Before they fell back to sleep, she whispered, "Always."