just a heads up: so obviously this went from a small idea to a giant ... thing. it is a nonlinear narrative, written as a series of scenes rather than a singular, cohesive plot. all the irritation of an experimental structure without the fun of footnotes and different font colors. please stop sending me pms berating me on how it's written, that's so not cool.

"I've a really attractive identical twin."

Up until now, Sakura had really been enjoying taking on the guise of a woman her actual age. She looked at the man blankly, hoping he would go away if she didn't respond. Unfortunately, he was drunk and annoyingly persistent, a terrible combination. She barely held her temper when he started spouting more lines and swaggered further into her personal space. Patience, Sakura. You're undercover, no property destruction allowed.

He leaned on the bar with an elbow and stuck his face far too close to her own, giving her his best leer. Uncharitably, she thought he looked like an oversized shaved rodent. "Nice legs, what time do they open?"

Sakura raised her eyebrow at him and waved a hand in front her to disperse the sour liquor odor coming from his gaping mouth. "Do you really think any of this works? Go sober up, asshole."

He reared back, looking both elated at getting a response and irritated at the response. "I might not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

"I'd rather you weren't. Get lost."

He slammed his empty glass down on the bar and muttered, "Bitch. You're ugly anyway." The man attempted to retreat with angry dignity, but mostly he just managed to walk slightly sideways toward a large table of rowdy men who were watching the proceedings with great interest. His dejected withdrawal was met with jeers and boos as they heckled him for failure.

Sakura watched him go with detached annoyance, hoping no one else in the group would be tempted to try their luck.

A voice behind her said, "That was no way to treat a lady."

She rolled her eyes and swiveled on her bar stool. "I doubt your method is much better, Jiraiya."

" And that's no way to treat an old friend, Misaki-chan." He leaned closer to her and she heard the men in the corner booth yell, thinking Jiraiya was about to get rejected and eager to witness it. "What's with the locale?"

Sakura looked around at the dingy bar, taking in the cracks in the wall, the dirty floor and the oppressively smoky atmosphere. Guilelessly, she asked, "Is Snow Country not to your liking?" She herself had only arrived in two hours prior.

It had taken her almost five years in the past and an additional two off and on after she came back to recreate something that worked like the Nidaime's hiraishin seal. It had been incredibly complex; she had essentially been working only from theory and legends of him and Naruto's father. Sakura wished that she could have met either man, she would have loved to talk to them about her fuinjutsu experimentations. She had placed the seal on all her summons except Gintoki. Sakura was still working up the courage to ask the ferocious tiger about it.

Earlier that night she had sent the boys to bed, closing her own bedroom door with a heavy sigh. It had been three weeks since she had encountered Itachi in the woods. She had formed the hand seals and was caught in a shudder as she felt her body fall apart and be put back together instantaneously. It was a deeply disconcerting sensation, one she would ever get used to. Ryu and Noya had been ecstatic at her arrival, even if she had almost toppled onto them from thin air.

"You stick out more here than you ever did in the teahouse. I thought you claimed it wasn't safe for us to meet again."

Sakura gestured for him to have a seat next to her. "Things change. I never claimed to know the future." She grinned at her own joke. "It's still not a good idea for us to meet, but this news is something I wanted to deliver in person."

The smile slid off her face as she contemplated how to start a conversation about the Itachi and Orochimaru issue. Was Itachi one of Jiraiya's agents or did the Hokage keep that from him? If Jiraiya was in contact with Itachi, Sakura would have to tread carefully. She couldn't allow him to make a connection between Misaki and Haruno Sakura, though it would be difficult to know for sure if he did. For all his flamboyant attitude, Jiraiya could be surprisingly difficult to read.

Meanwhile Jiraiya was mentally sweating the possible news Misaki could have, news that would draw her out of hiding after three long years. He had tried to locate her secretly, but every avenue he attempted broke down before he ever got close to pin-pointing a direction, let alone a hideout. Her damnable summon refused to answer even the most basic of questions all while shooting him dirty looks. "So?

"I have come into some information that may be useful to you, but it doesn't concern Akatsuki." She huffed in bemusement. "Well, not directly."

Sakura signaled to the bartender for her favorite microbrew and carefully tilted the pint glass to pour it herself. The availability of this particular beer was part of the reason she had chosen the otherwise run-down establishment. She missed being able to drink when she wanted, so she was going to take advantage of her henge'd appearance in a foreign country. After a long sip, she turned to Jiraiya who had been eyeing her speculatively. "What?"

"You're a very frustrating puzzle, Misaki-chan. I don't know what about you is real."

She snorted. "Yasutomo has told me plenty about what you think is real, Jiraiya-sama." She batted her eyelashes at him mockingly and then set her glass down on the counter. "I promise I'm not pretending to enjoy this to confuse you. Shiga Kogen IBA is great to have during shitty weather like this."

Jiraiya didn't look particularly reassured. "You're starting to sound more like Yasutomo than the Misaki-chan I met three years ago."

She lifted one shoulder gracefully, not concerned. He watched the fabric of her embroidered blouse pull tight across her generous breasts, helplessly mesmerized. Sakura flicked him the forehead hard enough to hurt, but not enough to send him flying across the bar. No property damage. You promised yourself.

"I was on my best behavior then, Jiraiya. No need for that now that we're properly acquainted."

He rubbed his forehead with a pout that was unseemly for a man his age and Sakura looked away, not willing to let him see the grin pulling at the corner of her mouth.

Jiraiya knew he wasn't going to get a definite answer, but he asked anyway. "How do you manage to get the intel you send me? None of my sources have ever heard of you and they have hands everywhere."

She just stared at him silently for a moment and said, "So like I said, information that you might want to hear. It concerns an old friend of yours."

He sighed, allowing her avoidance because he didn't have much of a choice. "I don't have many of those left."

"True. So it should be easy for you to guess who I mean."

Jiraiya drummed his fingers on the counter in agitation. "Why are you being so mysterious about this?"

Sakura shrugged, not willing to tell him she knew how painful a teammate's betrayal could be, even decades later. "It's a touchy subject."

He grunted in displeasure. "Just spit it out, Misaki-chan. This isn't the time for playing games."

"Very well. Rumor has it Uchiha Itachi has tracked down and assassinated Orochimaru."

Jiraiya froze in his seat. "Impossible." Itachi had been sent out to Akatsuki to keep Konoha safe, something that Jiraiya was still having difficulties coming to terms with. He had lived through two wars and had seen unspeakable acts, but using children in that manner was still a hard pill to swallow.

"Clearly not, though I don't have confirmation yet." Sakura had pulled Keiji away from Wind Country to track down Orochimaru quietly almost as soon as Kisame and Itachi had left. The caracal had been unable to find the Sannin dead or alive so far. "Though with that man's reputation, anything is possible. He's a slippery one."

"He is," he said distractedly, still dazed by the news. Jiraiya had tried to keep tabs on his former teammate but after a few years he had disappeared into thin air, never leaving so much as a single trail. Much like Misaki, actually. He could feel his old paranoia pumping through his veins. Is it possible she was connected to Orochimaru? One of his human experimentations? "Misaki-chan, how much credence can you give this rumor? What is your source?"

She took a sip, allowing it to linger over her taste buds before answering him. "A lady can't reveal all her secrets, Jiraiya-sama."

He slapped his hand on the counter angrily and she jumped, just barely able to save her beer from sloshing all over her front. "I'm serious! Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Misaki."

She set her glass down and sighed. "I can't tell you my sources any more than you can tell me yours. Have I ever led you wrong in all the years we've known one another?"

"We don't know each other, Misaki. Or rather, I don't know you. I'm sure you've got your own dossier on me." Sakura could hear the frustration in his voice. I guess he's been trying more than just pestering Yasutomo. Who knew I would be such a good spy?

"You're a bit infamous, Jiraiya. I like to keep to the shadows. I don't know how to prove myself to you anymore than I already have without compromising that." Sakura continued to enjoy her beer slowly, since she had no idea when she would have the next opportunity. She wasn't about to henge in Konoha just to have a drink; it wasn't worth Kakashi possibly finding out and scolding her on age appropriate activities. Joke's on you, sensei. I'm older than you are!

"Fine," he ground out. "Does your esteemed source have any insight as to why a member of Akatsuki would go after Orochimaru? Are they still taking missions from private sources?"

She swirled the beer, thinking. "No mission. Hoshigaki wasn't a part of this. I think it was more personal than that." She shrugged, slightly uncomfortable with the information she was withholding from him. "Who knows why the Uchiha does what he does?"

Jiraiya was still wondering how he was ever going to get Misaki to trust him. He was sure there was plenty more that she wasn't sharing, for reasons known only to her and it rankled. He had nothing to offer her that would give him leverage in this situation, not even the names of her supposed family that lived in Konoha. When he had first met her, he had combed any record available with Sarutobi looking for a family who may have had an elusive female relative, people who had moved to Konoha after leaving other villages, refugees from the last war, anyone. Both of them, after investigating possible leads, had come up with nothing. Either Misaki was lying or she was able to destroy any evidence of her existence without being caught. Honestly, Jiraiya wasn't sure which option was preferable.

Sakura drained her glass, looking longingly at her empty bottle. She shook herself out of hopeless mental wanderings and slid off the bar stool. "So long, Jiraiya. I'll send word if I find Orochimaru's corpse." Her tone was as cold as her words.

His eyes widened and he grabbed her arm. "Wait! That's all?"

Her eyes narrowed and she looked down at his hand severely. He removed it sheepishly and she said, "That's all I can tell you." Sakura sighed. She really did hate having to explain herself. "I know you have a history with the man, I thought it wouldn't be … right to just send a casual memo about it."

At the thought of his former teammate's betrayal and descent into madness, Jiraiya only felt a hint of the hurt that had once blazed through his body like an inferno. Time and experience had tempered his emotions, though he doubt the aching feeling would ever truly go away. He knew Orochimaru was no longer redeemable, though it pained him to admit it.

"I-thank you. Where are you going to now?" Jiraiya knew he was fishing, hoping she would give more away in person than she did in her detached written reports.

"Wherever the wind takes me." She smirked at him. "Did you really think I would tell you?"

He slouched back against the bar counter. "I'll figure you out eventually, Misaki-chan."

She was busy zipping up her jacket, the heavily lined wool straining to cover her most generous assets. "Perhaps. But I think you have more important things to worry about right now."

Jiraiya scowled. "I'm capable of multi-tasking."

She tsked disapprovingly, hands on her hips. "Who or what I am is not important in the scheme of things. You have an important role to play. I'm just a background character. Like Mitsuko."

"You really did read all my books, didn't you?"

Sakura grinned, amused despite herself. "I have a good friend who is enamored with them. He got me into the series." When Jiraiya perked up, clearly interested, Sakura could have slapped herself. I probably shouldn't have said that.

"Oh? Do I know this friend?"

"Like I would ever answer that question. Honestly, Jiraiya. How did you ever get so far in the spy business?"

He just smiled crookedly at her. "Sheer dumb luck, Misaki-chan."

Jiraiya sat at the bar after Misaki left, his mind spinning with the complex knot of thoughts she had left him with.

Despite the fact that Itachi had been sent to Akatsuki to monitor them, he was never given a handler, someone he could trust to impart his information with. He had been thrust into an entirely alien world with no support. Jiraiya did not have the first clue how to contact him without jeopardizing his position. His sensei had been entirely no help in that regard; on the eve of his retirement nearly a year ago, he had just calmly recited the Uchiha's destruction to both Tsunade and Jiraiya's horror.

"I can't believe you just let this all happen!" Tsunade's eyes were blazing accusingly. "A thirteen year old boy forced to murder his whole family? There was no other way?"

Sarutobi looked at them sadly. "I held out hope to the very end that I could talk the Uchiha Clan into some sort of resolution between them and the village. In the end, Danzo and Itachi concluded that only a complete eradication of the bloodline would save all of Konoha from civil war."

Jiraiya snorted. "Right, Danzo and Itachi. I'm sure our venerable Council member did nothing to push him in that direction. He just came to the conclusion naturally."

His teacher could only sigh. "That is what he told me before he left, along with a demand for Sasuke's safety." He looked between them. "Uchiha Itachi will do anything for his little brother, never doubt that."

Jiraiya ordered a beer from the long-suffering bartender, the same microbrew that Misaki had so enjoyed. He was curious about her tastes, since it was one of the very few personal things he knew about the woman. He snorted to himself. He could count the things he knew for certain about her on one hand.

He allowed the beer to roll across his tongue, the dark bitterness surprising him. He wasn't sure what he expected, but the earthy, roasted tones did not quite fit the image he had of the beautiful and cunning woman. As Jiraiya was contemplating the flavors of the beer and comparing them to Misaki's personality, she rushed back into the bar, grabbed his arm and he felt his entire body break apart.

"-fucking asshole, I can't believe I didn't realize he was there. I hate that goddamn thing." The cursing continued on uninterrupted as the feminine voice railed about her spectacularly plagued life.

Jiraiya was sure he had passed out or died or something, because he was currently on the floor of a very warm dwelling of a type he was sure he had never seen in Snow Country before. In fact … "Misaki-chan? Is that you?"

The voice paused and then there was a sigh and she leaned over him in concern, her dark eyes boring into his. "Yes, Jiraiya. Apparently you get to learn more of my secrets tonight."

"Ah," he said weakly. "Good for me."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't be such a baby. You lived, didn't you? You're the first one I've had to take with me, so congratulations on an experiment well done."

Jiraiya sat up in alarm, all thoughts of nausea replaced by abject terror. "You mean you just subjected me to an unknown jutsu?" He frantically patted himself down, making sure all his parts were present and where they should be.

She sat back on her heels looking amused. "Not unknown. Just never with a passenger."

He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized everything was accounted for. "What was that? Where are we? What's going on?"

"Ah, finally an intelligent question. Or barrage of questions." She stood up in the small dwelling and spread her arms theatrically. "Welcome to Wind Country, Jiraiya-sama. Enjoy your stay."

Sakura sighed as she prepared to set fire to the hiraishin seal affixed discretely on a windowsill. She rather did like this place. It was very nice as far as safe houses went. She had asked Keiji to scout abandoned buildings while Sasori was otherwise occupied and he had come up with some delightful options. Really, I should do something for him. He's been so helpful lately. A nice steak maybe?

Jiraiya saw her make the hand seals for a katon jutsu and scrambled to his feet. "Wait! Don't!" He shuffled closer to her to squint at the seal in the moonlight. "Is that …"

She elbowed him in the ribs, pushing him away from her work and set it alight before he could see it too clearly. "Perhaps. And now I have to destroy it."

"How do you know how to make that seal? There are only two people who could such a thing!"

Sakura tried to shrug it off casually. "It's fuinjutsu, not a bloodline limit. With enough ingenuity, any shinobi can make these seals."

He watched the flame die out as it consumed the last piece of scroll paper, trying to commit the portions he saw to memory. "No one has since Yondaime."

She smirked at him, wiping the ash off the windowsill with a sweep of her hand. "You mean no one you know has achieved it. If I didn't have to drag your ass back here, you would have kept on believing only two people in history have had this knowledge."

Jiraiya couldn't imagine a shinobi having the ability to essentially teleport themselves and not exclaiming their prowess to the world. "Why burn it?"

She crossed her arms defensively. "You really have to ask? I can't come back here now you that you know where it is."

"Why did you bring me here if you wanted to keep it a secret?"

Sakura scowled, annoyed at herself for such a slip-up. "Zetsu was lurking. I didn't want you to be stuck dealing with him alone."

His eyes widened. "How did you know? Didn't your reports say he was impossible to detect?"

"He is, if he's not actively standing around in a crowd like some tourist!" She muttered lowly, "I'm just lucky he wasn't facing in my direction. Maybe. We'll see if he shows up sometime in the future to eat me."

"You know, Konoha could protect you if you just come back with me …"

She glared at him. "Not interested. I'm doing the protecting, remember?"

"Misaki-chan, is it so bad for me to know you?" He had tried angry, he had tried his own version of charming, perhaps if he were disarmingly genuine, she would give in.

She ran a hand through her dark hair, disheveling it more than their impromptu atomizing had. "It's better for everyone if I stay anonymous, Jiraiya. Please trust me with that, if nothing else." Her voice was weary, her expression strained.

He sighed, defeated. "Fine, but answer me one question."

Immediately, she tensed, wary of his curiosity. "What?"

Jiraiya waggled his eyebrows and leered at her. "Are they real?"

note: shiga kogen iba is a lovely seasonal craft beer from japan.

the man's horrific pick up lines and insulting parting shot are all things i have heard in the real world, not just on the interwebs. i like to keep my mystical ninja fanfiction as realistic as possible.