Belle shares some words of wisdom with Hook, who doesn't know what to do about Emma's new situation.
As He Lies Sleeping
Part Five: Killian
Belle frowns when she finds the door to the pawn shop open: she's sure she locked it before she went to the diner.
She hurries through to the back room and finds Killian there, staring down at Rumple.
'Killian?' she asks, moving forward and putting herself between him and Rumple, not liking the look on the pirate captain's face. 'What are you doing here? How did you get in?'
'Came to check on the old Crocodile,' he says, and she can tell he's been drinking. 'Looks quite peaceful, doesn't he? Not that he has any right to be peaceful after the mess he's created.' He produces a flask and takes a drink. She wrinkles her nose at the smell.
He's angry. She's not surprised; nor is she surprised that he's blaming Rumple for all this, but he needs to understand that it's not Rumple's fault.
'Killian, I know you're upset about Emma, but what happened to her isn't Rumple's fault. The Darkness has a mind of its own: you saw it attack the Apprentice. I know that Rumple did terrible things, but he was under the influence of the Darkness. You have to understand that Rumple is not really like that: he didn't mean for this to happen.'
'Figured you'd say that,' he says irritably, shooting her a dark look.
She looks defiantly up at him. 'I'm saying it because it's true. Look, I know you're angry, but what happened is not Rumple's fault.'
'How do you know he didn't plan for this to happen?' he demands. 'He was planning to take over the world when he had that hat. Maybe he wanted Emma to be the Dark One.'
'What he wanted was to write the Dark One out of existence,' she tells him. Rumple didn't tell her that, of course, but she's put two and two together. 'That's why he found the Author,' she goes on. 'He didn't want it to take over or to be passed on. Rumple doesn't want to take over the world either: he just wants the people he loves to be safe and happy.' She knows in her heart that's true, and she loves him for it.
'How do you know that?' he asks: 'how do you know what he's really like? You've never known him without the Darkness: how do you know you'll love the man he is without it?'
She shakes her head and smiles a little. 'I fell in love with the man he really is,' she says quietly. 'I don't expect you or anyone else to understand what Rumple and I have: it's complicated. I just know that, deep down, there's always been a kernel of the man he was before he became the Dark One, and that's the man I love. I see who he truly is. I see the man he can be, and now that he's not burdened by the Darkness, he has a chance to be that man.'
'You think he's a good man?' he asks.
'I know he's a good man.' She's reaffirmed that in her heart. The night she banished him, she told him that she no longer saw the man beneath the beast, but she didn't understand fully about the Darkness then: now she does, and she knows her husband is a good man at heart.
Killian laughs and shakes his head now. 'He's a bloody coward.'
'He has been, yes,' she agrees. 'You think I don't know that, Killian? You think I don't know that he's flawed?' Of course she knows that. Everyone is, and his flaws are part of what she loves.
He looks at her, quiet now. Evidently, she's surprised him.
'I know exactly who he is,' she says. 'I know all about his tendency towards self preservation, his secretiveness, and his weakness for power, and I also know what he went through that created those flaws. I know he's not perfect: I never wanted that. All I ever wanted was for him to be the man he wants to be, the best version of himself. The only thing I didn't understand until recently is that he could never truly be that man with the Darkness inside him. He tried as hard as he could to fight it: I know that now. I blamed him for things that weren't his fault, but now he's free: he has another chance to be the man I know he can be, his best self.'
'You seem very sure he can be that man now,' he says sceptically.
She nods. 'I am. Now, if there's nothing you need my help with, Killian, I think it's time for you to go. You standing there, glaring at Rumple, isn't going to help Emma, and neither is rum.' She looks disapprovingly at the flask in his hand. 'The best thing you can do now is go and sober up and find a way to help Emma that's constructive.'
'I don't know what to do,' he says helplessly. 'Why did she have to do this? Why'd she have to sacrifice herself for Regina?' He's very angry about that, she sees, and maybe that's what's really fuelling his anger, and not Rumple at all.
'Isn't that what Emma does?' Belle asks: 'save people? Isn't that why you love her?' She'd assumed that was why, at least: she'd assumed he admired her for her strength, her goodness.
'She's supposed to be the Saviour, not the bloody Dark One!' he snaps. 'I don't know how to…'
Deal with that, she realises is the unfinished part of his sentence. Obviously he doesn't want Emma to be the Dark One, but it sounds like he hates that she is now, as if he wants her always to be the pure Saviour. People change, though, and Emma sacrificed herself for what she believed was right: she was incredibly brave, Belle thinks. She frowns as he strides around the small space, helpless and angry.
'I don't know what to do,' he says again, and she can tell he's on the verge of tears now. Deep down, despite all his posturing and bravado, he's just scared. Once upon a time, she never would have thought she'd be giving advice to the man who tried to kill her repeatedly, but she believes he's changing, that his feelings for Emma are changing him for the better, and he's shown by his actions towards her that she's in no danger from him now, so she'll help him, if she can.
'I think that if you love Emma, then you need to find a way to support her and help her no matter what,' she says quietly. 'It's not easy, but if you love her, all the pain will be worth it in the end.' She sits beside Rumple now and takes his hand, knowing that her pain she went through was worth the new faith and hope she's found for them.
'What if it's not?' Killian asks: 'what if it's not worth it?'
She looks at him. 'True Love is always worth it. Only you can know how deep your love for Emma goes, Killian,' she says, 'if it's strong and true enough to survive no matter what. From my experience, you don't know if love is true until it's been tested and the test makes it stronger.'
'I told her she was my happy ending,' he says quietly.
'Are you not sure now?' she asks, because she can feel that's what's at the heart of what he's saying: he doesn't know if he can love Emma as the Dark One. If he can't, then it isn't True Love: his love is not deep enough for it to be True Love. She knows that, no matter what Rumple did, how much he hurt her and other people, she never stopped loving him: he was always her True Love, even if she didn't believe she was his for a little while there. It may not be the same for Killian with Emma. It isn't going to be easy for him to figure this out: nothing related to love is ever easy.
'I don't know,' he admits.
She nods. At least he's admitting it.
'I'm not the expert on love,' she says: 'far from it, in fact, but I do know that it can take a long time to get to the happy ending. Sometimes you think you've found it, but it's not the real one.' She remembers how happy she was on her wedding day, only for it all to fall apart because of the dagger and the Darkness.
'I've recently come to realise that the journey is the most important part,' she continues, 'the journey people in love take together. It's not always easy: it can be very hard, more often than not, but you have to accept that. You have to be prepared to journey over rough terrain together. Sometimes you will wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes you'll want to give up. Sometimes you will give up and look for something uncomplicated and easy.' She thinks of Will and how different that was from Rumple, how much less it was in every way. She'd wanted that: less, simple, uncomplicated. She hadn't wanted to get lost again like she did with Rumple, but she knows now that she wasn't really lost with him. Just as she told him she'd spent her life finding him, she was also finding herself, and she knows she can only do that with him. Will made her smile, and he distracted her from her pain a little, but she knows that she can only be truly happy with Rumple, complicated, messy, and difficult as their relationship has been. She loves him more than anything, and she smiles a little now.
'But then, if you're very lucky, you find your faith again,' she tells Killian, 'and you realise that the love you share is true after all, and you know that all the doubt and pain you felt was worth it when you find your way back to the one you love, and you find that your heart and your love are stronger for the experience of being apart. This is your rough terrain, Killian: only you can know if it's worth the hardship you're going to have to go through to reach your happy ending, and only you will be able to figure out if your happy ending is really with Emma.'
'What should I do?' he asks, watching her.
'For a start, get rid of the rum,' she advises; 'then, search your heart for the answers you seek. They may not come immediately: in my experience, they don't, often, but they'll come, in time.'
He stares at her. 'You seem…peaceful,' he observes.
She smiles. 'I am: more at peace than I have been in a while. I know things now that made me understand that I was right about him and us all along. I think the Darkness infected me too, but it's gone now and I see clearly again. You need to try to do the same, Killian: you have to try not to let it get to you. If you truly love Emma, believe in her, believe in the Emma you knew before she took on the Darkness: she's still there inside. Don't make the mistake I did and mistake the Darkness for Emma. It'll be hard: she'll do things under the influence of the Darkness that you'll find difficult, but don't make my mistake and blame her for things she can't help, the things the Darkness drives her to do. She'll try to be strong, but Rumple tried to be strong too, and it wasn't enough. Just remember Emma's goodness: remember that when things seem impossible.'
He studies her for a long moment.
'I don't know if I can be like you,' he says quietly: 'you're a better person than me.'
She shakes her head. 'If recent experience has taught me anything, it's that I have many flaws.' She leans forward a little. 'Killian, I gave up on Rumple,' she says candidly: 'I gave up on my True Love.' She blinks a little, fighting back tears. 'It's the worst mistake I've ever made in my life.'
'Hey,' he says, leaning down a little to look her in the eye, 'didn't you just tell me that sometimes you give up, but then you find your faith again, and you realise the love is true and find your way back?'
She smiles. 'I did,' she acknowledges. 'I'm just saying that it doesn't matter how good a person you are: when it comes to love, the best of us mess it up. The good thing about love, though, is that people love us despite our faults and we love them the same. You just have to try to be strong and figure out what your heart wants, and if it turns out that Emma's not your happy ending any more, I hope that it's because you want something else more and it's not because of the Darkness, because that's not Emma's fault.'
He nods. 'You've, eh, given me a lot to think about. Didn't know I'd be getting a lecture when I came in here, but I appreciate the advice,' he says, raising his hand when he sees her about to protest at the word lecture. 'Thanks, Belle, really.'
She nods. 'You're welcome.'
He moves to leave.
'Maybe he'll wake up soon,' he says, and she sees he's trying to offer her comfort.
'I hope so,' she says. She smiles at Rumple and then watches him go.
He's got a lot of soul searching to do. It might not be as easy for him to figure out his feelings for Emma as it was for her to figure out hers for Rumple, but then he's a very different person than she is, and he and Emma are different from her and Rumple. She's come through her crisis of faith with her faith restored, but she doesn't know if it will be the same for him. She's sure he cares for Emma, but only he knows if it's love, and it has to be a special kind of love to be True Love.
'Well, that was interesting,' she says to Rumple. 'Perhaps he'll grow a little from this experience,' she says. 'I know I have from what happened with us. I've learnt so much, Rumple. I don't think I really knew what I had with you until I made you leave. I'm so sorry about that, and I'm just so, so glad you came back.' She kisses the back of his hand and lays it gently on the blanket.
'Now, how about I read to you some more, hmm?'
So, there we go. I think that would be an interesting dynamic between them going through season five: Hook not knowing what to do and Belle, as someone who's been in love with the person who is the Dark One, giving him advice. Next time, the final chapter. Henry returns and Belle soothes his upset about something, and he gives her some advice.