note: so i lied about that whole traditional timeline thing. this little ditty happened sometime between the sakura's chunin exams and the most recent chapter. i just really wanted to throw some hidan into the mix, even though it's not at all important to the overall plot. consider it an omake. also, warning for hidan's dirty mouth.

Sakura had been running low on imagination, so she chose to pull characteristics from someone she knew. After a quick henge, a sister to Ayame was soon enjoying her beer at the back of the pub when he swaggered in, cloak swirling about his feet. She just barely managed not to choke and cursed her terrible, horrible luck. All she wanted to do was enjoy looking and feeling like an adult again after a relatively uneventful meeting with her summons. Gintoki hadn't taken the time out of his busy schedule to show up.

And if I were less terrified of him, I would scold the stupid tiger. His target is HERE with ME. I'll just make myself as small and uninteresting as possible.

Outwardly, she just sipped her microbrew and looked like she was contemplating dinner. Pretending with all her might that Hidan had not taken a seat at the bar with his giant scythe, she looked around casually to see if Kakuzu was around.

She thought of her words to Jiraiya years ago, the lie she had told to get him to believe her information about Akatsuki that she had brought with her to the past.

Is this karma coming back to bite me in the ass? At least I'm still in Fire Country.

She had her hiraishin to fall back on if things got really terrible, though she wasn't eager to show off her skills to a pub full of unknowns. She'd just as soon finish her drink and try to slink out of the room unnoticed.

"Hey beautiful."

Oh my god, my life is over.

She gave Hidan a bored look, allowing her henge'd hair to fall into her eyes. "Not interested."

He smirked cockily and Sakura was annoyed that he was so handsome. He murdered Asuma-sensei in her timeline and here she was cataloguing his attractive points. There was something wrong with her brain.

He put a hand on her table and leaned forward into her space. "Oh, I like a little fight."

I bet you do, you weirdo masochist.

Before she could stop herself, Sakura said, "That's fucking creepy."

I'm going to get killed in a hyped up barfight because I can't control my mouth.

Instead of being offended, Hidan threw his head back and laughed richly. "You're saying all the right things to keep me here, sweetheart."

After a moment of realization that she had not been killed, Sakura wondered if maybe she could use this chance meeting to her advantage. Hidan seemed to be the type who enjoyed bragging about his exploits. Maybe she could make her fib years ago come true? If she dug around carefully enough, she might be able to get some useful intel without dying.

Hidan seemed to respond favorably to crass language, so Sakura decided to put on a little show just for him. "If you're gonna stay, sit down and stop looming over me like some sort of fucking grim reaper."

He laughed again, grabbing a chair and brandishing his weapon. "I've even got the parts for it. You into a little role play?"

She rolled her eyes. "Try again, asshole."

Hidan leaned his scythe back against the table behind him and stared at her intently. "So what's a gorgeous woman like you doing in a place like this?" He stroked her skin on the back of her wrist.

She pulled his fingers back forcefully, a blank expression on her face as his grin became sharper through the pain. "You don't really expect that line to work, do you?"

"Picky woman." Hidan shook out his hand and Sakura bit back a wince as she heard the bones crack together. His extremely quick regeneration was an annoyance, though she knew that Shikamaru had incapacitated him by decapitation. She wondered how long it would take him to come back if she completely obliterated his skull with a punch. Brain matter was a tricky thing, surely he wouldn't come back the same exact person?

Murder as behavioral therapy, a viable option only for the Akatsuki. I'll be their psychologist.

She sniffed derisively. "I just have standards and they do not include nameless men wearing cloaks."

"Don't you know who I am?" He was looking tetchy now.

She sat back in her chair. "No, because you're so fucking rude that you didn't even introduce yourself."

Hidan looked surprised for a quick moment, but recovered his cocky smile. "Tch, bitch. You win this one. My name is Hidan."

"Fucking charmed, I'm sure." She drank the last of her beer and wondered if she should get another one. She didn't seem to be getting anywhere with this conversation, other than to realize Hidan had very shiny, white teeth.

Akatsuki must have good dental. Sakura was going a little crazy just in his presence. Maybe it had something to do with his insane religion or that creepy weapon.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "And? Don't keep me in suspense, woman."

Ah, what the hell.

Sakura pushed her empty bottle toward Hidan and said, "Buy me another beer and I might deign to give you my name."

To her surprise he just snatched it up and stalked toward the bar, waving his hands theatrically at the terrified bartender. He returned with a frosted bottle that he slammed down on the table in front of her with a smug look on his face. "All yours, sweetheart. Now tell me about yourself."

Sakura discretely checked it for poisons before taking a long swig. In a monotone, she said, "My name is Reiko. I like long walks on the beach and dark-haired men."

He snorted. "That is a load of shit, Reiko-chan. At least I gave you my real name."

Sakura shrugged, looking supremely unconcerned. "Reiko is the name I go by, asshole. I don't have to explain anything to you."

He nearly whined at her. "I just bought you a drink, that means you owe me!"

"I don't owe you jackshit. I told you I might give you my name. Not much of a shinobi if you can't read underneath the fucking underneath."

"Shut up, bitch."

They sat there in silence as Hidan crossed his arms and fumed angrily while Sakura enjoyed her beer, continually squashing down her petrified flight instinct to see what this situation was going to net her as far as information. So far, all she had learned was that Hidan was terrible at picking up women who weren't taken in immediately by his pretty face.

She looked at him curiously, carefully bringing her eyes half-lidded as if she were closer to tipsy. "Why are you still here?"

He fondled his scythe suggestively. "Look around, gorgeous. Not much pickin' in such a backwater place."

Sakura snorted in a decidedly unladylike fashion. "Are you trying to insult me into your bed now? Unusual strategy."

Hidan wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Is it working?"

"Fuck off. I'm not interested in sleeping with the Akatsuki."

Come little fly, into my web.

Sakura was sure she was starting to crack, but if she was able to get through this meeting unscathed, she would take a little mental instability.

Hidan preened at her tone, if not her words. "I deserve to get some ass for being such hot shit, y'know."

Deadpan she said, "That man over there is making eyes at you, Hidan. Maybe you'll have better luck with him."

He whipped around to look and she laughed into her beer which made him grin through his irritation. "I knew you liked having me around."

"I'm still not having sex with someone who wears a cloak with no shirt."

Hidan blew a kiss in her direction, waving the bartender over for his own drink. "We'll see about that, sweetheart."

Sakura was sure now that her gambit had failed and she was wasting her precious time away from Konoha. After too many bottles of sake, Hidan was mildly tipsy, but he had not revealed anything she didn't already know. His regeneration meant his alcohol tolerance rivaled Tsunade's so she was trying to subtly ply him with stronger liquor and evade his wandering hands at the same time.

"-and then that fuckin' Uchiha looked me dead in the eyes and tortured me for three days! It was great!" He grinned sloppily at her and slid his hand on her thigh. Hidan licked his lips lasciviously when she plucked it off and pinned it to the table with a kunai, digging it into his flesh messily. "Reiko-chan sure does know how to treat a man right."

"There is something wrong with your head, shitbag." She nonchalantly watched him lick his own blood off the rapidly healing wound. It was easier to act around strangers than her boys, who knew her far too well.

"Jashin-sama demands sacrifice and blood." He dangled his necklace in front of her face and she squinted at the strangely delicate jewelry. "Mine will do when I have no prey in front of me."

'Yeah," she said with no inflection, "That doesn't actually dispute anything I said. Jashin-sama is clearly a crazy god."

He laughed loudly and drank the rest of the bottle in his hand. Sakura was glad she wasn't paying for all this booze. She could no longer see the table for all the empty bottles that were around. "Jashin-sama would love you, Reiko-chan. You would be a beautiful sacrifice."

"Oh golly gee, I'm so flattered." Sakura was not interested in where this conversation was going. "Too bad I've already got my ritual suicide planned. I just can't back out of that."

His eyes lit up and his other hand was thrown around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him than she had ever wanted to be. "Getting me all worked up over here. Does this place have rooms?"

She pushed him away brusquely, no longer afraid to use her chakra control to leave the imprint of bruises on his bare chest. "You are fucking impossible. I'm not going to sleep with you. I don't even know why I'm still here." Sakura was nursing her sixth beer, having metabolized the alcohol the moment it hit her bloodstream. She made Hidan pay for those too.

Might as well get some use out of the idiot, since he's not giving me anything but a new appreciation for how crowded Sasuke must have felt in our original childhood.

Hidan grunted as her elbow met his solar plexus, momentarily knocking the breath out of him. "You're still here because I'm fuckin' irresistible to everyone." He smiled toothily as he rubbed at the spot Sakura had slammed into him. "You hit hard for such a small little woman. I bet you're a real tiger in bed."

He never stops. Unbelievable.

"I would stab myself before I would willingly sleep with you, Hidan."

He shuddered and closed his eyes with a smile on his face. "Tell me more, Reiko-chan. Would there be lots of blood?"

She was about to show him lots of blood when a heavy hand came down on Hidan's shoulder. Sakura followed it up to see Kakuzu standing there imposingly and held back a shudder when she met his unnerving green eyes. "Please tell me you're here to take this asshole away."

He looked vaguely discomfited and just nodded. "We have work to do, Hidan."

Hidan grumbled and jerked his shoulder out from underneath Kakuzu's hand. "You're such a fucking cockblock! I almost had her."

Sakura raised an eyebrow and Kakuzu just gave her a long-suffering look that spoke of more patience than she thought him capable. "I'm sure the lady would beg to differ."

Hidan snorted as Kakuzu pulled him out of his chair bodily. "That ain't no fuckin' lady. You heard what she called me."

"I can't say that I blame her, Hidan. Get out of the chair, let's go."

Hidan thrashed around and finally allowed his partner to drag him away, calling out to her. "I'll find you again, Reiko-chan! We'll get busy next time, you better fuckin' believe it!"

Sakura sipped the last of her beer and wondered if Naruto and Sasuke would notice if she spent the entire day in the shower.