Dear Reader,

This is a highly important chapter.

Please leave me a review and let me know if this jogs any emotion from you.

Special thanks to The Scheming Turtle, my beta as always.

The pioneer with a heart for people and a thousand stories to tell ~+~

Chapter 15

Desire creates havoc when it is the only thing between two people, or when it is what's missing.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

(ppppqqqqq)

(pppqqq)

(ppqq)

(pq)

Of course, the scars weren't the only thing tormenting Belarus; she was constantly wondering why he didn't treat her the same way.

Before I speak of that, allow me to explain a few things about our dear Lithuania...
Naturally, he was a man who expressed his feelings through acts of service, such as doing dishes for someone, or helping them somehow. At first, this is what he mainly did in his marriage to Belarus, hoping to win her heart with kindness. However, over the months, something happened: the Law of Relationships took over. According to this law, when someone has an emotional attatchment to someone else, that person will want to express it physically. Although Lithuania had been in love with Belarus for centuries, he was never around her constantly as he was now, which opened his emotions to a new level due to the law of relationships. Besides doing dishes, he was soon embracing her and kissing her more often.

After the day when Belarus injured his head, and they began a new relationship out of that, Lithuania found that not only was he becoming more physical with her, but she was beginning to respond to him, which made him even more physical. Then came the night on the hill, when he realized just how much he wanted to give her, and he recalled that one clause in the contract that prevented him from giving her all of himself... or getting all of her, unless she wanted to... become one with him. Although they had started a new relationship, he wasn't sure if she truly wanted him that much, hence he quietly began withdrawing from her physically.

However, his heart was still tied to hers, and after tasting her lips, and feeling her silky hair beneath his fingertips, he wasn't satisifed with staying away from her and merely assisting her anymore. It felt as if he read the most amazing book in the world, only to be told that he was getting too involved in it and told to stop reading it, despite it being right in front of his face. Nevertheless, he forced himself to only kiss her cheek or forehead, because he knew that if he kissed her the way he used to, it would arouse him, and he may go too far, which would violate what he agreed to before they were married. Even though he wanted to hold her close and passionately kiss her, he restrained himself. Little did he know that this strained her as much as it tortured him.

Although Lithuania never said anything about being uninterested in her, Belarus noticed that he was withdrawing from her, and repeatedly pondered why. Over time, she began to think that she did something wrong, but she didn't know what. Recalling the night on the hill, and how Lithuania had stopped so suddenly, Belarus questioned if somehow she did something to upset him... then again, never really explained why he stopped... Nevertheless, Belarus began to believe that she was the reason why he didn't kiss her the same way.

She was glad that he told her about his scars, but the fact that he wouldn't kiss her the same way still gnawed at her. Was she not pleasing enough to him? Did he get tired of her? Was it because she used to abuse him? No, surely it wasn't that... he said he forgave her... but after all the pain she caused him, it would make sense... after all, there was a price to pay for what she did... wasn't there? At night, she would stay awake in bed, contemplating all the various possible reasons why there was this unspoken barrier between them. While Lithuania fell asleep beside her, she would listen to his breathing, which did calm her a bit, and wonder if he really had forgiven her, and if somehow her past had affected their relationship. This thought tore at her, creating a deep heaviness in her heart. Then again, he had told her about the scars, so... perhaps it was all in her mind.

Regardless, she wrestled with the question day and night, until finally she couldn't bear it any longer; she needed to know what she did wrong. Little did she know what he would say...

One day, as Lithuania was dusting, Belarus approached him for the answer she sought so frantically.

"Toris?" she asked timidly.

"What is it?" he asked as he carefully dusted the edges of some picture frames on the wall.

"Toris... why don't you kiss me the same way anymore?" She asked, her heart racing with anticipation as she spoke.

Lithuania froze. THAT was the one question he truly did not want to answer. The scars were hard enough to tell, but this? How could he explain to her that every bone in his body, that all his emotions, and his human-like hormones were all warring against him, compelling him to kiss her, but that he stopped for her own sake and the sake of the contract? How could he explain THAT?

After a moment, he continued dusting, but Belarus had noticed his pause, and her heart jumped at it-now she felt that surely this was a bad thing, that it was somehow her fault, that the answer would kill her.

"What do you mean? I still kiss you..." Lithuania nervously deflected her comment, hoping that she would be satisfied with his answer.

Of course, she wasn't, and she insisted, "It's not... not the same, though... Please, tell me what is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong, Dear, what do want?" Lithuania persisted as he 'casually' moved away from her while dusting, hoping that she wouldn't notice the slight quaver in his voice.

Of course, she DID notice, which made her even more upset than before he spoke.

"Something is wrong, isn't it? I did something wrong, didn't I?" She wailed, finally unable to contain her thoughts.

At those words, Lithuania stopped cleaning and turned to look at her. He brushed his brown bangs out of his face so he could look at her clearly. Now he knew that his actions not only affected him, but her-his choices had not only torn at his heart, but also at hers, obviously. This revelation made his heart ache even more-he never wanted to hurt her, and he just did. Slowly, he walked over to her and soothed, "No, you didn't do anything wrong, I... I just... I didn't know it mattered that much to you."

"It does, Toris... it does," she said in a shaky voice.

"I am sorry, I... I didn't know... it's not your fault, it's just... I... I am... dealing with some things of my own, that's all," Lithuania consoled her as he turned away again, hoping that this conversation had ended.

Of course, it hadn't.

"What issues? Is it because of how I treated you? I know I was wrong, but... please, don't... don't turn your back on me!" She pleaded desperately.

Again, Lithuania spun around and locked eyes with her as he insisted, "I am not turning my back on you, and it is not your fault! I just... nevermind."

He couldn't deal with this right now, he simply could not do it. Hence, he began to walk up the stairs, hoping that they could discuss this at a time when he had his feelings sorted out better. However, she needed to know NOW.

"Then what is it? What is troubling you? Please, tell me," she implored him as he walked up the stairs with his dusting cloth in one hand.

Lithuania's steps slowed at that request, and he began wrestling with himself over the issue. After all, it did concern her... she was his wife... she had a right to know, yet... he didn't know how to tell her. How could he inform her of his deepest problems when he himself wasn't sure how to describe them or handle them alone?

Seeing that Lithuania was slowing down, Belarus pointed out, "Toris, what is it that you cannot tell your own wife? Shouldn't you trust me?"

That was the last crack in the dam holding him back from talking to her; he couldn't argue with that... She was right: he shouldn't be keeping secrets from her... especially not this one... but how could he tell her? Regardless, he needed to try. He dropped his cloth, and faced her again. As he stepped towards her, he realized that he simply had to ask her the question that had held HIM back from her...

Seeing Lithuania was walking towards her, Belarus straightened up, and her hope began to rise. Perhaps now she would finally know the truth... little did she know that she could not handle the truth.

Gently, Lithuania cradled Belarus' face in his hands, and with his green eyes staring straight into her dark blue ones, he asked quietly, "Do you want to sleep with me?"

Shocked and unprepared for the question, Belarus stood there, with her mouth open, unable to answer. During their marriage, Lithuania had never asked this question before, and he never seemed to... care about that... at least, Belarus never got that impression from him. After all, he wasn't flirtatious, or... sensual... at least, she didn't think he was.

"...what?" She finally blurted out in astonishment.

"Do you want to sleep with me, Tasha?" Lithuania repeated slowly, making sure to pronounce every word as clearly as possible.

Standing there, with her face in Lithuania's hands, Belarus sought an answer, but was unable to find one in her mind. While Belarus was silent, Lithuania noted the surprised, confused look in her eyes, and his heart cracked deeper than before. He lowered his hands and mournfully began to walk away from her. He knew she didn't desire him like he desired her, and that realization tore him to shreds. Because Belarus had no answer, he knew he didn't have her heart, and it broke his.

Seeing the agony in his eyes, and watching Lithuania walk away from her, Belarus knew she broke his heart, and it made her feel worse than before.

Quickly, she piped up, "Wait! Toris, what if I said 'yes'?"

Lithuania stopped and turned his head to look at her. Once again, he walked over to her and held her soft, pale face in his hands as he began to do his best to enlighten her on what he truly pined for from her.

"I do not want you to comply, I want you to whole-heartedly accept me. I want you to want me so badly that you are the one seducing me. I want you to want me so much that I don't even have to ask. I want you to want me so much that when I come home, you run into my arms and lavish me with kisses. I don't just want a night of passion, I want your heart, Tasha... It seems that right now, I don't have it," he informed her with a sad, serious voice.

With that divulged, he let go of her face again and walked behind her, towards the front door, broken-hearted and emotionally drained.

"I am going to Poland's, I'll be back later," he announced in a flat voice before exiting the house.

After he left, Belarus sighed mournfully. Although she had finally become accustomed to being his wife, and accepted it, and although she did think he was handsome, sleeping with him... was... a bit out of her... thought zone. Hence, she had no answer to give him when he surprised her with such a request. She recognized the deep anguish in his eyes and voice when he spoke to her, and knew that she had crushed him by not saying yes whole-heartedly. After all, what person, what man would want to be married to a woman who wasn't attracted to him physically like that? Surely this ripped apart his heart, and his ego... if he even had an ego... Belarus sighed again as she considered this.

After all, Lithuania was such a kind, forgiving man... he deserved someone to do all those things he said-to run into his arms and kiss him, to passionately pursue him, to... to become one with him. Suddenly, she gasped-that's what happened on the hill! Instantly, she knew that on that night, they could have slept with each other right then and there... if he hadn't stopped... but why did he stop? Then, she recalled the contract: he wasn't allowed to sleep with her unless she explicitly wanted to sleep with him. Then, it all made sense to Belarus: clearly, Lithuania had remembered the clause in the contract, and had refrained himself in order to abide by it, for fear that Belarus was not fully willing. All this time, he must have been forcing himself to keep away from her while she thought it was her fault... Oh, it was her fault, in one point of view... After all, she didn't want to sleep with him, so he couldn't... and now they both knew it. Lithuaia deserved someone who deeply desired him, and instead he was in love with a woman who didn't feel that way for him.

When that woman realized all of that, she felt depressed beyond words. First, she had hurt him physically-it was a pain that came and went, but now... she injured his heart, and this was a pain that may never leave... and she knew it. Slowly, she became angry at her brother for doing this, for putting up this boundary that didn't need to be there, but before she could get too upset at him, she recalled that at one time, she would not have married Lithuania if that one paragraph wasn't included. Now, here she was, wishing it wasn't there... and unable to do anything about it. Inside, she was conflicted: part of her was willing to sleep with Lithuania because she didnt' want to break his heart, but the other part knew that wasn't what he wanted, and that she should just say "no" if she honestly didn't want him. Although it wasn't exactly her fault Lithuania was heart-broken, it was her fault, because she didn't love him the way he loved her. A tear of sorrow and guilt fell down her face as she stood there silently.

Now instead of physical scars tormenting Belarus, it was an emotional break torturing her heart.