have another omake, because i can't make plot work.

Kakashi looked at his kids with an exasperated fondness. It had been over a year since Team 7 was formed, a year since he had reluctantly fallen into their orbit. It had also been the most fulfilling year he'd had since the war, which privately Kakashi had considered a little pathetic. He was sure Obito was laughing at him, wherever he was. At least Minato-sensei would be pleased to see what a good person his son had grown into, despite his less than stellar beginnings.

However, no matter how close Kakashi had gotten to them since they were introduced, there was just no good way to approach this upcoming conversation. With Sasuke being constantly mistaken for a very pretty girl and Sakura spiritually married to a djinn (something he tried very, very had not to think about), Kakashi knew it was time. It had been time for months, but he put it off, allowing them to take mission after mission without a single peep. The sex talk was not something he had ever imagined himself giving to anyone, let alone three precocious eleven year olds.

Kakashi had told them to gather at Sakura's house and they all convened in their usually meeting spot in the sunroom. Not for the first time he was glad of Sakura's paranoid sealing abilities; he did not need any potential witnesses for the world's most awkward lecture. Kakashi cleared his throat and said, "So, I have some things to go over with you guys today."

Naruto perked up immediately. "Is it about the Chunin Exams? Are we gonna go again?"

Sasuke cuffed him in the head absently, as if it was only muscle memory to commit violence on his teammate every time he spoke. Naruto pouted and rubbed his head. "I just wanted to know, jerk."

"Ah, no. Unfortunately, nothing that exciting."

Sakura was lounging on an enormous pillow that had shown up one day after they had returned from Suna. That was another thing Kakashi did his best not to think about. Thoughts of the murderous son of the Kazekage only spelt nightmares and doom. "Did you drag us here for a lecture about telling believable lies again, Kakashi-sensei?"

He squinted at her. "Drag? You all live here."

She shrugged, inspecting her nails. "You could too, if you just stopped being so bothersome about having your own apartment and pretending to be an adult."

Kakashi was developing a headache already and he hadn't even gotten to the topic at hand. "I am an adult."

Naruto and Sasuke snorted in unison and Sakura offered him a sharp grin. "Of course. My mistake, sensei."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Regardless, I have to talk to you guys about something pretty delicate. I'd appreciate it if you would listen, please." He saw them all nod and blew out a puff of air. "Because of your age, you three missed a fairly vital class in the Academy."

Kakashi did not miss how Sakura's eyes were suddenly gleeful, but he was too busy fending off Naruto and Sasuke's annoyed protests about missing anything, they already knew the Academy basics inside and out. "Maa, it has nothing to do with chakra or jutsus. This is all strictly … theory."

Naruto frowned. "Ugh, do we hafta take notes?"

Kakashi muttered to himself, "Someone help me." Louder, he said, "This is about sex, Naruto. You decide if you want to take notes."

The boys were frozen in place while Sakura was silently cackling on her pillow, her shoulders shaking in mirth. That is … not at all what I expected. When Minato-sensei had given them a similar talk, Rin's clan tattoos had disappeared in the red of her blush and Obito had refused to look at any of them the entire time. Kakashi remembered feeling mortified while attempting to maintain strict control over his emotions like a proper shinobi. He was probably less successful than he remembered, now that he thought about it.

Then again, Sakura was nothing like Rin. Her reactions to things, even after being in close company for so long, were occasionally off from what he imagined. Admittedly, his interactions with children were limited, but Sakura was more like a tiny, overly eccentric adult.

Surprisingly, Sasuke was the first one to break the relatively awkward silence. "Kakashi-sensei, is it really necessary to …" he trailed off, not willing to speak the words aloud. His sweet little genin were so innocent, so pure.

He sighed heavily. "Unfortunately. Sex is a tool in our career that can be used to our advantage or something that could be used against us. It's my responsibility to make sure you're aware of the dangers."

Sakura propped her chin on her hands, eyes sparkling. "Do tell us everything you know about dangerous sex, Kakashi-sensei."

He sputtered. "Don't make it sound so dirty, Sakura-chan! This is a very clinical thing. I even have notes from the Academy!" He waved a scroll at her to prove his point and opened it up, rushing through the basics of what sex was, much to Naruto's confusion and Sasuke's red-faced embarrassment. Sakura was just watching them all with a detached sense of amusement, something Kakashi found to be highly disturbing. As the lone kunoichi on their team, it was important that she understood where she fit into these dynamics.

"Sakura-chan, do you have any questions?"

"Hmm?" She looked away from where the boys were whispering something about Tsunade's breasts that he was pretending not to hear. Sometimes it was better for everyone if he played ignorant. "Oh, yeah. Have you ever had a honeypot mission, Kakashi-sensei?"

He grit his teeth and thought very hard about how much he loved these kids, because they were usually so talented and fun and would grow up to be some amazing people. It was just very difficult to remember that when Sakura was asking horrible questions with such delight. "I meant about your role?"

She snorted. "My role? Are you expecting me to seduce anyone sometime soon?"

He felt panicked at the very idea of Sakura being even remotely romantic around anyone before she turned thirty, let alone go on a seduction mission. Or maybe she can wait until after I'm dead. Fifty years sounds about right.

"Don't be silly, Sakura-chan! ANBU are the only ones who are set up to do that."

"Yeah," there was that horrible grin again, "And you were ANBU before you were our sensei, right?"

The boys were looking at them now and Naruto was intrigued. "Didja have to do any of those things you mentioned, Kakashi-sensei?" His faces screwed up in disgust. "I hope you got paid real good for that."

Where have I gone so wrong in my life that this is happening to me?

Sasuke and Sakura both looked entirely too interested in his answer. Kakashi shook his head and took the easy way out. "All my ANBU missions are classified above your level."

The boys looked disappointed, but Sakura laughed. "I think that means yes, Naruto. Underneath the underneath, you know?" She leaned toward them and whispered loudly, not at all looking as if she cared that Kakashi could hear her perfectly well. "I bet that's why he's always walking around with those books. Gotta stay prepared."

Sasuke gave Kakashi a considering look and nodded, apparently accepting Sakura's idea as truth while Naruto excitedly asked her questions about what she had seen in his Icha Icha when she had stolen it. Kakashi groaned inwardly. This girl is more trouble than anyone I have ever met. Worse than Gai. Worse than Anko. He considered that for a moment. Almost worst than Anko.

"Sakura-chan, you seem very well-educated on this subject." He was suspicious of his cute little chunin, mostly because she was always up to something. They had a shared hobby of paranoia, after all. It was why she was his favorite, though he would never tell the girl that.

She affected her most innocent face, something that fooled him not at all. He was wise to all her tricks by now. "Kakashi-sensei, whatever are you implying?"

He narrowed his exposed eye at her. "Whatever will give me the truth, I suppose."

"Well," she hedged, "I do have a passing familiarity with your favorite series."

"How? I never let you near my books!"

She snorted. "Sensei, I've been able to create and maintain a perfect henge since I was eight. I bet you can connect the dots."

He could. Kakashi could connect all the dots and he didn't like what the picture made. "Sakura-chan, are you telling me …?"

Sakura gave him a pointed look before twitching her head toward the boys, who were again distracted by their own conversation. This time it was about what other kind of ANBU missions he could be telling them about if he wasn't so stuck on those pesky rules and regulations about security clearance. "I'm a shinobi, Kakashi-sensei. We use all resources available to complete our missions."

"I get the feeling these missions weren't sanctioned by the Hokage," he said dryly.

Sakura grinned at him. "What can I say? I just have a thirst for knowledge."

"Please stop." He pushed his hitai-ate up and rubbed at both eyes. "You should be monitored all hours of the day."

"You're no fun, Kakashi-sensei. None at all." She lounged on her pillow as if she hadn't just admitted to buying age-restricted material to her sensei. "Boys, do you have any questions for Kakashi-sensei?"

He was no longer surprised by the authoritarian tone she took toward Naruto and Sasuke, especially since they responded to it so well. Sasuke shrugged while Naruto opened his mouth once and then closed it. Sakura raised an eyebrow at him and he blushed. "You know my sexy no jutsu … they're not gonna make me use that in a mission, are they?"

Sakura bit her lip and pressed her face into the pillow, shoulders shaking while Kakashi struggled to answer. "Ah, Naruto. I don't think you have the right temperament for seduction missions. You don't have to worry. I just want you to be aware of these things just in case."

The boy screwed his face up mulishly. "I bet I could do it if I wanted to." Sasuke slapped him in the back of the head again and he whined piteously.

"No one worth getting information out of would fall for that ugly jutsu, idiot."

Kakashi exchanged a knowing glance with Sakura, wearily accepting that she was far more mature in these things than the other two. "Sasuke, not everyone will have your … exacting standards."

"Hn." There was a slight flush high on his cheekbones, but Kakashi just pretended not to notice.

Sakura snorted and threw a smaller throw pillow at the boys, yelling at them to go to the market for her like they had promised to do earlier that day. There was only the smallest amount of grumbling before they dashed out the door to do her bidding. She watched them go fondly. "So well trained. Like puppies."

Kakashi eyed her narrowly. "No wonder you and Pakkun get along so well. You're both just tiny tyrants."

"Yup." She rolled off the pillow and got to her feet, stretching and looking out the window at her small herb garden. "We're buds now." She led the way into the kitchen and tied on her hideous orange apron. "Don't worry, sensei. I won't steal your summons. I get the feeling I'm meant for a different kind of contract."