DJ

Suspension: Debbie

When I heard Jasmine was back from school I was happy. Finally, after four long months of nothing but changing diapers and being up all night, I'd have a girl-friend to hang out with! When I heard she was back because she'd been suspended, I was thrilled.

I banged on her door, rocking Sarah gently to get her to stop fussing. I hadn't told dad I was going to see Jasmine, I knew he'd find some way to keep me away from her, the same way he'd kept me from saying goodbye. So I'd 'taken Sarah out for a walk to get my child-benefit money'. After all, the vicarage was on the way to the post office.

After a second, Laurel answered the door. "Ah, hello Debbie!" She said pleasantly, Gabby balanced neatly on her hip. She smiled at Sarah too.

"'ello Laurel, Jasmine in?" I said quickly, tucking Sarah back into the bugger.

"She went out," Laurel told me. "why don't you try the café?"

"Great, thanks!" I turned and left. Jasmine's text yesterday had said she was grounded, I wonder what had changed? She'd probably worked her good-girl charm on Ashley and had him un-ground her. I grinned. Oh, it would be so good to see her again!

Jasmine had wanted to meet last night, she'd sent me a message when she'd snuck out of the vicarage. But dad had caught me on my way downstairs and taken away my phone for the night. I figured I'd make it up to Jas today by spending the whole day together.

I entered the café, forcing the bugger through the door. My eyes immediately fell on Jasmine, sitting by herself at the first table, wrapped up in a large tan jacket and a green scarf.

Her eyes lit up when she saw me. "Debbie!" She leapt to her feet and practically vaulted the table to scoop me up in a tight embrace. Normally I hate hugs. I'm very careful about letting people touch me. But when Jasmine grabbed me, I found I was smiling. I didn't hug her back but I didn't stiffen or pull away.

"Oi, Jas," I said, my voice muffled by her shoulder in my mouth, "suffocating here."

She sheepishly let go of me and back away. "Sorry, I just missed you!" Jasmine leaned down to peer into the bugger. "Hey there Sarah! Wow, look how big you are!"

Is it wrong to be jealous of your own baby?

"So what's going on?" I asked, in an effort to draw her attention back to myself.

Jasmine looked up at me and rolled her eyes. "Ashley 'grounded' me for getting suspended. But he lifted it this morning."

I grinned at her. "Lucky cow."

She smiled back. Oh I'd missed that so much! If I called anyone else a cow, they usually looked like they wanted to hit me.

"So why come here?" I asked, gesturing around the empty café.

"I was meeting my grandpa." She told me, sounding a bit sad. "But he had to leave for a hospital visit."

I wasn't aware her grandfather lived here too. Unless he was just visiting? "He okay?" I asked.

Jasmine nodded. "Yeah, it's just a routine thing, he'll be fine." She put her hands in her pockets. "Where are you off too?"

"Post Office. Getting my child benefit money. Want to come with?"

She nodded enthusiastically, picking up her bag. "Yeah, sure." I noticed, with some happiness that she did not have a book with her.

We left the café and crossed the square to the post office. It was a cold, damp day with a brisk wind. Jasmine shivered and pulled closer to me as we walked, tucking her arm under my own.

"So what'd you get suspended for?" I asked. It was kind of hard to push the bugger with this arrangement but I found I didn't mind at all.

Jasmine shrugged. "Got drunk. Got caught."

I smirked. Nice one Jas. "Now, now Jasmine." I scolded her, "what did I tell you the first rule was?"

"'Don't get caught.'" She mocked, saying it like she was reciting a prayer. She gave my arm a pinch. "And it wasn't my fault! I didn't tell about the party, it was a seven-year."

"Did you beat her?"

She shook her head. "No. They packed me right up and shipped me off. I was still drunk when Ashley picked me up."

"I'll bet that was real interesting."

"Oi!" She said indignantly to my cheeky grin. "I'll have you know that I'm a very competent drunk!"

"Sure Jas, sure."

We squeezed through the post office door, still arm in arm.

"Hello girls." The woman behind the counter greeted us. Her eyes lit up when she saw I'd brought Sarah along. Why did everyone love my baby more than me?

I unhooked my arm from Jasmine's grip and lifted Sarah out of the bugger to pass her over the counter. "Here you go then, she could do with meeting some new people."

I turned back to Jas, who was looking at some magazines along the wall. "Do ya fancy hanging out? Daz is bunking out today, we can go up an' see 'im." I was desperate for her to say yes, I needed to do something other than look after Sarah or I'd go bonkers.

Plus, the three of us hadn't been together in four months. That was a problem.

"But…" Jasmine looked at Sarah as the woman behind the counter gently bounced her. "what about Sarah?"

I glanced at her. "Jus' dump 'er with Emily." I said. I'd had her all morning, dad couldn't complain.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that…" The woman said sharply.

I rolled my eyes as I turned to face her. "Well, you try looking after a baby, twenty-four, seven!"

"I have done…twice." She told me. She held out her hand.

"Now, give me your post office card and I'll draw out your child-benefit, because I assume that's why you're here."

I handed her the card and turned back to Jas as the woman counted out the money.

"So how 'bout it then? Emily's on the way over to Daz's, we can go straight up after we drop Sarah."

Jasmine thought about it for a moment. "Sure why not?"

I was going to ask her what the matter was but at that moment, the woman handed me my benefit money. "Here you go." She told us, handing me the money and card as Jasmine cradled Sarah in her arms. "Don't spend it all in one place."

"What's it to you old bat?" I snapped, leading the way out of the post office.

DJ

Jasmine, Daz and I ended up going into Hotten to spend the money I'd picked up. We got food ('the best meal I've had in months!' Jasmine declared), picked out a video game and unsuccessfully tried to persuade the liquor store we were old enough for booze. We finally retreated back to Daz's place a little before five to try out the game. Daz and Jasmine had the first go.

My phone rang as the two of them were finishing the second lap of their first race.

I walked away to answer it, plugging my free ear to block out Jasmine's squeals of laughter.

"Hi Lisa."

"Where's Sarah?"

Clearly, she had her priorities elsewhere. "She's with Emily." I replied.

"What, you dump your baby with Emily to go to a party?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm not at a party, that's just Jasmine laughing." I could see the confusion, Jasmine's laugh was high and loud.

"What're you doing hanging out with Jasmine while Emily's got your baby? Are you planning on leaving her with her all night?"

"No of course, I'm not leaving her with her all night." Silence from the other end. I imagined Lisa tapping her foot impatiently, waiting for me to cave to her demand. "Right, I'll come home." I told her. "That's what you want, innet?" I hung up as she started to reply.

I was sure I'd hear everything she was about to say the minute I stepped in the door.

"Right I've got to go home!" I called into the other room.

Neither Jasmine nor Daz even acknowledged that I had spoken. I doubt they even noticed when I slammed the door as I left. They were too busy having fun. Without me.

It wasn't fair, I thought as I stomped angrily down the road back to the village. Jasmine hadn't seen me in four months, she'd seen Daz last night. Why did she clearly care about spending more time with him then me?

But then again, the two of them clearly fancied each other. I was just the third wheel in their little flirting fest. The third wheel who had responsibilities elsewhere.

I kicked a loose stone, sending it hurtling into the door of a car along the street. It left a small dent in the door but who cared? Was I really jealous of Daz for the attention Jasmine gave him?

I was just so desperate to have friends again. Four months is a long time to be without someone to talk to. Daz was great but he was hardly enough. We couldn't talk about anything the way Jas and I had this summer. Sometimes, I got the distinct impression that Daz too thought less of me for how little time I spent with Sarah. Plus, dad had this stern edge about me hanging out with any blokes, even Daz who clearly was not boyfriend material.

Ever since it had been revealed that me going back to school had just been a ploy to spend more time away from Sarah, dad hadn't trusted me with anything. Once, he'd even gone so far as to lock me in my room with Sarah until I got her to fall asleep. He clearly didn't trust Daz anymore than he did Andy.

He wouldn't feel that way about Jasmine, even if he still prevented me from seeing her whenever possible. She wasn't a bloke, therefore, I wasn't about to go fooling around with her and get myself pregnant again. Honestly, did dad think I was that stupid?

Dad was poisoning me, I couldn't ever show love to Sarah because this was all I got from him. Disappointment, mistrust, manipulation. That wasn't love. That was jealously and a need to control someone wrapped up in lies that promised love.

I paused just outside of Emily's door, the blood roaring in my ears as fury at dad coursed through me. Because of dad, I was a selfish mother who couldn't stand to be alone with her own child. Because of him, I'd never be able to show Sarah the love and care she needed.

I had to get Sarah to a better home. Not only for my sake but for hers.

But how? Where? Who did I trust enough to give my baby away to?