Manipulations: Debbie
"Jasmine!" I called, racing out of the house. "Jasmine!"
She finally slowed down and turned to face me again, looking a little irritated. I stopped in front of her, holding out the book she'd left on her bed this morning.
"You forgot this." I said breathlessly.
She took it from me, glancing up at me over its cover. "We're not doin' French today."
I shrugged, trying to laugh it off. "You never know." She just handed it back to me, still looking annoyed. "Sorry." I apologized, taking the book back.
Jasmine shifted her backpack. "I'll be late for school." She said flatly, then turned and left.
I fingered the book, sighing heavily as I turned back to the vicarage.
This had been happening more and more lately: Jasmine brushing me off or being short with me for no reason. I'd tried to be helpful, fetching her books and not bothering her so much when she studied but I was starting to get concerned. What was the matter with her?
I passed Laurel and Ashley on my way back inside with the book, only half listening to their conversation. Something about the church, big surprise.
Suddenly, Laurel was gesturing at me, calling me over to her frantically. "Debbie!" She pushed Gabby towards me, already turning away. "Can you take Gabby to Betty's?"
"No," I immediately replied, "why can't you do it?"
"Because I need to go shopping!" She replied, waving her arms about.
Ashley poked his head back out of the car he'd been getting into. "He said not to go to any trouble!" He called after his wife.
"Oh no!" Laurel protested, turning back from her mad dash. "If he's coming, he'll be getting the full vicar's wife treatment! Honestly…" She hurried off, making a fuss about lunch and how little time she had.
I raised my eyebrows and nodded at Ashley. He merely climbed back into his car with a sigh and drove off for church.
As soon as he left, I rolled my eyes. It'd been nearly a month of me living here and I still was not used to Laurel and Ashley's strange comings and goings. They rushed about so much it was like living with mice.
"Well Gabby," I said to the little girl as she stuck a finger in her mouth. "Guess it's jus' you and me."
I took her hand and began to slowly walk her towards Betty's. She stumbled along after me, more engrossed with her own fingers than walking straight.
Well, it wasn't like I'd had anything else planned to do today. As we trudged along at a snail's pace, my thoughts returned once again to Jas.
She had been acting weird, I decided. Ever since I'd snogged her to get one over on my dad, she'd been cool, even distant with me. If I ever tried to bring any of it up, she'd just claim it were stress about school or something stupid like the weather. She absolutely refused to talk about any of it: her behavior or the kiss. Was she embarrassed by it? I thought we'd understood it was just for a laugh?
It had been almost a week since I'd kissed her and it was still bothering me. I kept waking half-way through the night from half-remembered dreams that featured her. Dreams where she held me close and whispered in my ear, and nightmares where my dad were marryin' her and I sat in the back, screaming for them to stop…
It was maddening. What was happening to me?
What about that kiss could have possibly affected me so much that I was dreamin' about her nearly every night… what about it could have made her feel so dismissive towards me…it's not like she'd never been…
I was so shocked at the realization that I stopped walking, Gabby actually overtaking me and tugging impatiently on my arm.
Oh god.
My stomach was flipping.
I'd been Jasmine's first kiss…
Last summer came rushing back to me, when we'd been drinking and talking about boys and I'd tried to force Daz to kiss her to make her relax. But he hadn't, he'd been too scared. I had forgotten all about that conversation until just now.
I was her first kiss…
Something about that felt completely right to me. Jasmine deserved to have a memorable first kiss with someone who cared about her. That was me, right? Or was it weird for her that it had been with a girl and not a boy? Was she upset that I had stolen that precious first from her life?
As I resumed walking, tugging Gabby along again, a strange, fleetingly triumphant thought stole across my mind and my mouth curled up in a smirk.
Take that Daz, I won.
DJ
Later in the day found me at the B&B, hoovering the entryway. Jasmine was late.
After dropping Gabby off, I'd returned to the vicarage, only to find that Laurel was back and in a very harried mood as she prepared lunch. Not wanting to stick around for a lecture ("not everyone likes fooling around as much as you do, Debbie…) or questions I didn't know the answer to ("Jasmine was very quiet this morning, you two alright?"), I headed back out, taking a long, meandering loop around the village so that I wouldn't be early for work.
Steph wasn't around when I got in but I had pulled out the old hoover and started on the list she'd left. As I worked the vacuum, I ran though the past few days in my head. In addition to being cool with me, Jasmine had been very quiet lately, in fact, she'd hardly spoken at all this past week except when spoken to. And she always had that distant look in her eye, like she was trying very hard to remember something. She did that sometimes, retreated to an inner, personal world where I couldn't get through to her, usually whenever her parents forgot to call for an important event or anniversary.
Sommat was bothering her. And she wasn't the type to just spit it out like me. Jasmine let things bottle up inside her for a long time. I knew it from watching her talk about her dad, from listening to the one conversation she'd had with him in all the time I'd known her, from watching her quiet concentration when she was studying suddenly erupt into a short fit of frustration.
She was keeping something down, maybe resentment towards me about stealing her first snog? And I'd been too busy joking about it to realize that it may have meant more to her than it did to me. But as far as first kisses go, it was a rather nice one…Jasmine had softer lips than any boy and hers had been so warm…
I spent several minutes thinking about Jasmine's lips, mindlessly hoovering the same two feet of carpet over and over.
Twenty minutes after I arrived, Jasmine entered quietly. I shut off the vacuum so we could talk.
"Where've you been?" I asked.
"Study group." She replied, like that were something I was supposed to know. Jas dropped her bag on a chair, her eyes roaming me carefully, like I was about to jump her.
There it was again: this uneasy silence, gazes filled with questions and things not spoken. All my realizations now seemed stupid. How was I supposed to ask her if she were alright with me being her first kiss? That wasn't something you asked after the fact.
Jasmine shifted first. "sorry, I'll get started upstairs…" She said quietly, picking up the basket of supplies and stepping past me.
"Jas…" I couldn't take this anymore. Jasmine was my best friend, why was this so hard all of the sudden? "I…thought we were alright."
"We are." She replied, sounding dismissive. But she stopped and turned back to face me. Maybe she wanted to talk about this too.
"No we're not." I protested. She was maddeningly silent so I kept talking. "I can't take much more of this."
A flicker of fear crossed her face and she stared at me, confused. I stumbled for words, desperate to hold her there long enough to get my point across. I knew now why she was so upset, I had to make it better.
"I'm sorry about embarrassing ya, I swear it'll never happen again." I told her. This was big for me. I rarely apologized to anyone. But for Jas, it only seemed right. I'd do whatever it took to return us to normal.
Her eyebrows raised until she had that posh look about her I'd hated the first time we met. "It better not." She warned me, in that tone of voice I knew was just her trying to sound cool. Trying to bury how much it had affected her.
I shrugged. "I just…sometimes I just forget how serious you are."
She seemed surprised. In less time than it took to blink, her fake posh expression was gone, replaced with the dorky Jasmine I knew so well. "I…I'm not serious." She chuckled uneasily, trying once again to sound dismissive and failing.
I only nodded. "You are! You're…clever, you're grown up, you know so many things." She was worlds ahead of me in the school department. "That's what I like about you."
Jasmine glanced away from me, losing herself in that inner world I couldn't penetrate once more. "Maybe I know too much…" She said, dejectedly.
I smiled sadly, recognizing the power of her ability to shut me out. "Better than bein' a thick girl like me." I said softly, offering an olive branch across the chasm between us.
She blinked, miraculously returned to me from across the void of her thoughts. "Yeah," she said, smiling at me with a cocky little smirk. "I suppose it is."
For about half a second, I was lost. But then she turned away from me and I heard her giggle. She was teasing again, like we used to.
"You're supposed to contradict me!" I complained loudly as she walked away.
She just ran up the stairs, throwing a smile at me as she rounded the landing.
I went back to the hoover, a happy smile tugging at my lips for the first time in days. Through that endless void she lost herself in, I'd reached her at last.
DJ
Two hours later, after cleaning and restocking everything imaginable, Steph finally let us go.
"Thanks for not telling Steph I was late…" Jasmine said as we walked down the drive in the dark.
I shrugged. "Yeah, what are friends for."
She looked up at me, smiling that smile that I loved, the happy, easy one that she only showed to me. "Yeah."
My heart swelled as she ducked her head shyly. It felt so good to be past all the ugliness of this week, to know that I hadn't screwed everything up with her.
I stopped walking. "I'm glad that... we're friends again." I admitted. I didn't know how else to express my overwhelming relief that this had all blown over. If I lost Jasmine now, I don't think I'd ever make it again. I'd just quit, give up, and run until I couldn't breathe no more.
She smiled again, a smile I'd kill to preserve forever. If only she knew the effect she had on me. "Yeah, me too." She replied sincerely.
My hands balled into agitated fists in my pockets at the realization that I never wanted us to go through something like this again. "Let's never fall out again, yeah?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly.
If Jasmine noticed my insecurity, she didn't mention it. She just held out her arms for a hug. A hug I graciously accepted. I held her tightly, as if she were about to leave me forever. Jasmine gave the best hugs, all warmth, and safety, and acceptance. I could always tell her mood just by her embrace. Right now, I was feeling the same relief and happiness that flooded through me.
I relaxed into her, relishing in our first hug in over a week. Never again. I decided. I'll never use her again. I'll never force her to do anything without askin' again. The girl in my arms was worth too much to be treated any less.
Jasmine abruptly stiffened, the hug losing all its warmth. She let go of me as if I were covered in dog piss, staring at something over my shoulder.
Confused, I turned, only to be greeted by the most unwelcome smirk in the entire village.
The only person who could ruin a moment like this.
Dad.
As much as I hated him in that moment, a triumphant smile curled my upper lip at the sight of him watching us. You can't break us…
Jasmine spoke, her voice laced with anger and humiliation. "Debbie, what the hell is wrong with you?" She snapped at me. She stalked away before I could get a word out, marching angrily down the dark street as I stared dumbly after her.
My dad sucked air in through his teeth. "Not so irresistible all of the sudden, are ya?" He muttered haughtily to me. With a cocky raise of his eyebrows, he set off for wherever he'd been headed before he ruined our night.
I was stuck, my mind too whiplashed to come up with any smart responses. My body screamed at me to chase after him, to give him a verbal lashing and duke it out like we always did. But some smaller, more willful part of me was holding me back. With its help, I snapped back to more pressing matters. Jasmine.
I set off running to catch up with my best friend.
DJ
"Jasmine!"
"Don't touch me!" She snapped, jerking away from my hand as I tried to grab her arm.
I'd chased her to the village park, almost sprinting at one point to make sure I didn't lose her.
"Look," I began as she kept stalking across the dark grass. "I'm sorry, I didn't know he was there."
"Right," Jasmine retorted, angrily tossing her bag to the ground. "Then why were you grinnin'?" She demanded of me.
I faltered, no response coming to mind. "I don't know." I finally admitted. It had just been a spur of the moment reaction, born of my relief and happiness that I had managed to not screw up the one healthy relationship in my life. Wasn't looking to good for me now.
Jasmine was shaking her head, in disbelief "Is that all I am to you?" She asked, looking like she was blinking back tears. "somebody to use to wind up your dad?"
"No!" I immediately protested. Is that what she was upset about? Me using her to pester my dad?
Jasmine was not convinced. "'Look at me dad,'" she mocked, her voice shaking, "'I've got my tongue down Jasmine's throat, aren't I a clever little girl?'"
"I never even kissed ya!" I pointed out.
Jasmine deflated instantly. Her eyes darted back and forth, all her anger suddenly replaced by uncertainty.
"I'm being metaphorical…" She said, turning away from me to sit on a swing. "Have you never heard of metaphors?"
Sure I had… well… it was a long time ago…
"Jasmine," I started, coming up behind her and holding onto the chain of the swing. "I wasn't tryin' ta use ya." I told her gently. "I've never had a girlfriend like you before."
She looked up at me, our eyes locking. Time seemed to slow in the silence between us. We'd both used the word before and it had always seemed harmless, no different than 'buddy', or 'mate'. But now that our lips had touched, now that we'd crossed that divide, it seemed like it had taken on a whole new secondary meaning. A meaning I had not intended.
"Girlfriend…" She repeated, her tone laced with feelings I wasn't able to place.
"I don't mean like that," I said quickly, never looking away from her. "you know what I mean."
"Well that's just it though…" Jasmine replied, shrugging helplessly. She glanced away from me. "maybe we don't know what each other is thinkin'…"
"I wasn't thinkin' anything." I said as honestly as I could. I hadn't been thinking about my dad when I'd hugged her, I hadn't been thinking about anything other than our friendship and how badly I wanted it salvaged and repaired from whatever damage I'd done. "It wont happen again." I promised.
"What if it does?" Jasmine asked, turned back to me with a worried and frantic expression.
"It wont." I said firmly. I wasn't going to let her worry about this anymore. It was over, a bad episode of our lives that we had weathered and overcome. I'd never be stupid enough again to put her in a situation like that. No matter how much I might want to in the future.
She looked away from me again, starting to slip into that mindset where she hid from the world.
"Come on, don't be mad at me." I begged her, coaxing her back out. "Come 'ere." I gently slid my arm around her and pulled her close, leaning my cheek on her head. To my relief, I felt her lean into me and smile. "No tongues, I promise."
My extra weight upset Jasmine's balance on the swing. She slipped backwards with a squeal of elation and surprise. Jas would have fallen off the swing if not for my supporting arm around her shoulders. I pulled her back upright, Jasmine snuggling into my embrace.
Safe.