I close my eyes as I allow the wind to take me away. I don't know where but anywhere away from here was fine with me. I'm yanked back to the ground, however, by the soft pawing of a deer. Finally. I pull my arrow across the bow and wait with baited breath. Silence. Complete. Silence. This is how I like it. If everyone just stopped talking, stopped filling the world with endless prattle and insignificant gossip. Not just Capitol people. Everyone.

I probably feel that way because I just recently found my voice again. I just recently found a lot of things. And lost a lot of things. Things I'll never get back, no matter how much I scream to the night…

There she is! A beautiful doe who is sniffing the air warily. My eyes dart around the foliage to make sure she does not have a fawn nearby. When she takes a step, my arrow flies. It's quick. Painless, I think. Not like Finnick. Or Prim. Or Mr. Mellark. Or Boggs. Or Mitchell. Or…

Damn. My head starts to spin and I grasp it with both hands. I feel the world slipping away, or me slipping away from it, and I attempt to brace myself and anchor myself to it. Peeta taught me that. Good, sweet Peeta, who has lost most of himself to the greatest cruelties in the world. When he has trouble keeping himself here with me, he'll grip his head with his strong hands and squeeze his eyes shut, willing the nightmares to go away. Sometimes they do. Most of the time they don't. I'm not enough to keep him tethered to this world. So I lose him for a moment. And I lose myself as well.

I shake myself, determined not to let anything ruin this day. Neither of us had had nightmares last night, as far as I could tell, and we both rose early this morning to go about our days. When I left, I chanced a small kiss on his cheek and whispered a soft, "I'll miss you." Instead of drawing back with suspicion and doubt in his eyes, he had pressed his forehead to mine and softly stroked my cheek. I took that as a positive sign. I was positive he was finally coming back to me. He had returned to District 12 over four months ago and it had taken us time to heal. Hell, we were still healing. I imagine we'll be healing all our lives. But I had realized just how desolate I had been during my time without him. After Coin's assassination I had been sent back to District 12 to try to rebuild my life. With no one by my side. Well, alright, Haymitch stuck by me but a man who drowns himself in liquor every night can't really be counted to be by your side. Especially at night, when the night terrors come. I found myself missing, longing for Peeta's strong arms to hold me when they'd come. Like they had on the Train during the Victory Tour. It seemed that Peeta possessed an awesome power, to banish any terrible thoughts or images. I was completely safe in his arms. Before I fell into my deep depression, I had let myself into his house at Victors Village and stole his blankets and pillows. I remember holding them to my face and inhaling his scent, my tears overwhelming me as I went crashing to the floor in trembling sobs. Haymitch, or Greasy Sae, I don't remember who, had found me the next morning and took me back to my house. I clung to his blankets because they smelled like him and I buried myself in his pillow, imagining his head right beside mine. I took out my pearl, my last gift from him, and held it to my lips, imagining his smooth lips on mine. Funny, you never realize how incredible something is until it's gone. Cliché I know but I had taken advantage of Peeta and I think that's what killed me the most. That when we found him and discovered that he had been hijacked, he finally saw me for what I was. Gone was the boy who thought I was perfect. The only person in the world who could make me feel worth anything, just because that is what he sees, but now images of me as a murderous mutt fill his mind and for a long time, he saw nothing else. He wanted nothing to do with me, his eyes filled with rage and murder whenever he was near me. His hands used to itch for my throat and sometimes, I wish he had just killed me.

But now…no, now we are doing better. Both of us. We are rebuilding our lives and rebuilding whatever it is we had before all of this started. I know I love him. I think I knew I loved him before I even lost him to the Capitol. I just denied my feelings. In fact…I'm still denying them. I haven't said the words. I won't say them to him, unless I know for sure that's how he feels. I know he used to. I don't know if he ever can now that the Capitol has ruined his mind. He insists he knows me now, knows that I never did those things but there are still some nights I wake up to him thrashing around and when I try to hold him, he jerks away as if I'm the enemy. He apologizes in the morning but…it still hurts.

I try not to think about the negative things. Peeta always focuses on the positive and after everything he has been through, if he can manage to find the good in everything, I can certainly try. But I'm a natural pessimist. How could I not be, growing up in the Seam with no father and a mother who was all but gone. Left alone to take care of my sister, so that we wouldn't wind up in the orphanage. We knew what would happen to us there. And I was one of the lucky ones. I never had to go to our old peacekeeper, Cray, to find ways to get money. So all in all, despite my attempt to keep them away, negative thoughts continue to invade my mind. I glance down at my hand that is clutching the bow and a particular scar seems to glow. A single line across my wrist. One of my most desperate nights, when I had felt completely lost and all I wanted to do was to see my father and Prim again. I remember watching the blood drip down my wrist until I finally came to my senses and quickly bandaged myself up. To this day, I still have never told a soul what I tried to do. It was my moment of greatest weakness and Peeta would never forgive me if he knew. And we're doing so much better…we're growing back together, though I never thought that could be possible.

And then I remember that day, after he returned. I had gone to the woods and couldn't keep my mind on my hunt. I tripped over a large root and tumbled down a hill, falling into a sinkhole. I remember lying there all day and all night, thinking that was it. I was going to die in that hole. And Peeta would be fine because he didn't love me anymore. He would be free. And I kept seeing his face, kept hearing his voice. His hands would caress my face and tell me to hold on, but then he disappeared, leaving me alone in that hole again.

But then I heard his voice. I mean his actual voice. He was really there. He carried me home and he took care of me and refused to leave my side. He came over to my house every morning to bring fresh bread and to check on me. He even changed my bandages for me. But the nights were the worst.

I was doing better but still waking up with my throat hoarse from screaming. One night after dreams of children on fire and hissing mutts, I woke up to strong arms holding me close to a firm chest with a racing heart. His hand caressed my hair and I wanted to fall asleep to his caresses and not ruin this perfect moment but my mouth got the better of me, as it usually does.

"Peeta what are you doing here?" He jerked back, I guess he hadn't known I was awake and he immediately released me. I shivered, rubbing my arms and wishing for the warmth that he had provided. My eyes drifted up to his and he bit his lip.

"I couldn't take it anymore, Katniss. I've been hearing your screams every night and I just couldn't take them anymore. I'm sorry if I shouldn't be here…I'll just go back to my-"

"No!" I made him jump with my exclamation. I bit my lip and played with the blanket (I hoped he wouldn't notice those were HIS blankets) and stared at the floor.

"I'm glad you're here," I said in a very small voice and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him lean closer, trying to hear my words. I looked back and found his blue eyes shining, practically blazing a hole into my heart. I settled back down and wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him closer and burying myself into his warmth.

"Stay with me," I whispered into his shirt, sure that he couldn't hear. But I swear, a moment later, I felt his arms wrap around me again and he was caressing my hair again. The soft whisper into my hair was not lost.

"Always."

When I return home, the sun is setting on Victors Village. I glance over at Peeta's house and see the lights on in the living room. I switch the deer to my other shoulder and change course, deciding to stop and see him before I go home to skin my kill but I see the door fly open and Haymitch comes stumbling out. He's sporting a bloody nose and his left eye is already bruising.

"I wouldn't go in there at the moment," he says calmly, despite his injuries. I glance up at the house and hear things crashing. I wince, turning back to my mentor.

"You just left him alone like that?"

"Hey, as much as I love getting the shit beat out of me, I thought I'd avoid it for one night. If you have a death wish, be my guest." He gestures toward the door and waits. He knows I'm not a complete idiot. As much as I want to be there for Peeta, I know walking into his house in the middle of one of his flashbacks is pure suicide. He would probably try to kill me again, despite what he has said about knowing who I am. He completely loses himself during these episodes and no one can bring him back, save for himself. I quickly brush the tears away before Haymitch can see and I shift the deer again.

"I'll check on him in the morning," I mutter.

"Smart girl." I feel him watching me as I cross the yard to my own house and I walk in. Greasy Sae had already been here, I can tell, for the kitchen is spotless. I fling the deer onto the counter and immediately set to work. Hunting and anything like it can take my mind off of anything. My eyes go to Peeta's window and my heart lurches for him. I wish I could find a way to make these episodes disappear altogether. Greasy Sae has asked me if we are going to move in together…but how are we supposed to have any kind of relationship when he hates me part of the time? I don't think we'll ever get back to normal. Not for the first time, I find myself wishing I had just eaten those damn berries in the Arena.

I finish skinning and cutting up the deer and cover it thoroughly before putting it into the fridge. I have more than enough to give to Haymitch and Peeta and Greasy Sae and anyone else in the District who need it. With some of Peeta's bread, it would make a wonderful meal. I clean up the kitchen and wash my hands, before turning the light off and going up to my room.

My fingers work through my braid until my hair is untangled and soft, floating around my shoulders. It's finally starting to grow back evenly. After…that night, my prep team had done their best with my singed locks. I'm glad it's starting to grow back. I pull on an old nightshirt and bury myself in the covers, pulling them to my chin and inhaling Peeta's scent before I close my eyes and pray the nightmares would stay away. Of course they don't.

"A mutt! She's a stinking mutt!

You're not very big are you? Or particularly pretty?

Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?

A MUTT! YOU'RE A STINKING MUTT!"

And with that, I saw his eyes glowing red as he reached out for me, his hands inching around my throat and his fingers pressing against my windpipe. I gasped for breath as he leaned closer, his hands squeezing harder and causing my vision to go blurry. Tears streamed down my face as I realized the last thing I was going to see was the man I love glaring at me with such hatred. I closed my eyes, allowing my mind to take me away to another place, to a happier time, where we could be together.

I sit straight up in bed, my hands going to my throat as I gasp for breath. I can still feel Peeta's hands strangling me, see the rage in his eyes. But someone stirs beside me and I find myself gazing into bright blue eyes, completely devoid of hatred and murder. Instead they're filled with kindness and adoration and something else I don't dare hope for, in case it's not as it seems. He reaches out for me and I wince, afraid that the dream was not over. He notices and draws back, looking hurt. I hang my head low, without a clue of what to say to him. I don't notice the tears streaming down my cheeks until I feel the blanket grow damp and I start to shake violently.

"Katniss?" I can hear the concern in his voice and he seems to be deciding something. He hesitates for a moment, then draws me into his arms and holds me close, his hands smoothing my hair back and whispering soothing words into my ear. I'm still shaking but allow him to hold me, becoming lost in his protective hold. I just wanted to scream at the world to leave us alone. To let us be. But I can do nothing but sob while my arms go around his waist and I cry against him, drenching his white t-shirt. I feel his lips on my temple and I feel completely safe. Finally feeling like I had cried all of the tears I had, I lean back and wipe my face. A single finger traces my cheek and I glance up at him. He gives me a sad smile before he disentangles himself from my arms and leaves the bed. I almost cry out for him but he returns a moment later with a wet rag in his hands. He gently rubs my face, wiping away the tears and puffiness. When he finishes, his hand caresses my cheek and I nuzzle against his palm. He pulls me into his arms and I lay my head on his chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly against my cheek.

"I didn't expect you to come over tonight," I say quietly. His fingers play with my hair and I close my eyes.

"It only lasted a few minutes. Haymitch was waiting on my porch and came in to tell me you had stopped by. I was upset that you didn't come in but then Haymitch pointed out that it probably wasn't a good idea and I agreed. I knew we'd have trouble sleeping alone tonight so I came over and found you thrashing around. I never know if I should hold you or just let your nightmare play itself out." I tighten my arms around his waist and sigh.

"Hold me. Whenever you can, just…hold me." I feel him kiss my head and I close my eyes again.

"I'm sorry," I hear him whisper. "I had thought these…flashbacks were over and done with. Aurelius wouldn't have let me leave the Capitol if he had known they would continue."

"Maybe he knew how much I needed you," I whisper without looking at him. He scoffs and I look up into his eyes, which are full of pain.

"If I hurt you during a flashback, Katniss, I will never forgive myself or him."

"You won't, Peeta. I know you won't." He sighs and his hands make comforting patterns on my back.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dr. Aurelius has been coaxing me to talk about my nightmares and he's determined that it's helping. But I can't tell Peeta that I was dreaming about him, dreaming about the moment when he had tried to kill me. Not when he's already feeling so guilty. I just can't. So I merely shrug.

"I can't really remember." I hear him sigh and feel him tense up.

"Really? You sure you can't remember anything?"

"Y-yes." He knows I'm lying. He grips my chin and forces me to look up at him.

"You were gasping my name and clutching your throat. You were dreaming about when I tried to kill you in 13."

"No! I just-"

"Don't lie to me, Katniss. Please don't. It's bad enough that we dream these things but don't carry the horrors into our waking state too. We have to trust each other. It's how we will get through this."

"How, Peeta?" I feel the tears come again. "How will we get through it? You and me, we're broken inside. Damaged beyond repair. You're taken over by flashbacks, whatever the Capitol planted in your brain and I'm taken over by night terrors, of all the deaths I feel responsible for. How are we supposed to get through all of that?" I think then he will leave my bed and return to his home. I imagine he is be angry with me and will leave me alone with the nightmares. But I feel his lips on mine, pressing against my mouth with a sense of urgency and something else. It's quick but passionate. I discover that I miss his kisses. We haven't kissed like that since the Quell. When he pulls away, too soon I might add, he bites his lip and leans his forehead against mine and I can hear his heart battering against his chest.

"Together, Katniss," he whispers. "We get through it by staying together. We're not damaged beyond repair. Yes, we've suffered. But I'm going to try to heal those holes in your heart, if you'll let me. We'll protect each other, because that's what you and I do." My heart flutters at his words but I shake my head.

"I'm the most dangerous person for you to be around, Peeta. I'm the one who can cause your flashbacks because you were programmed to hate me. How can we stay together when I could set you off at any moment?" He leans back and studies me, and I feel his hands intertwine with mine.

"You're not dangerous because you might set off my flashbacks. You're dangerous because… of the way I feel about you. You're the one who brings me the most happiness and can hurt me the most. I tried to tell myself that it was better to stay away from you. That we were better off apart. But I know that's not the case. I can't survive without you. You are everything to me, Katniss, and not even the Capitol could change that." Overcome by his words, I find myself just wanting to bury myself into his arms and never leave. Before I know it, I'm pressing my lips against his and wrapping my arms around his neck. My fingers are tugging his blonde curls as my kisses become more hungry, more desperate. He moans against my lips and I feel his tongue tracing along my bottom lip. I gasp a little, my lips parting, and his tongue slides past my lips and meet mine. This is new. Not even our Quell kisses were this…passionate. Our tongues dance together and I feel his trembling hands sliding up my legs, past the hem of my nightshirt. I feel like the girl on fire once more. Peeta leans me back a little and my head hits the pillow but I refuse to let go of him. His prosthetic leg gives him an ungainly balance and he falls forward on top of me. He pulls back, red with embarrassment, but I giggle and lean up to kiss his nose. His face still red, he joins me in my laugher and I have to say, it's the first time in…well, I don't know how long. He must know it too. He smiles as his eyes meet mine.

"I don't think I have heard you laugh like that since before the games." I nod and his smile widens.

"I like it. And you," he grins.

I know what I want to say but can't bring my tongue to form the words. So I lean forward and kiss him again, my hands gripping his shirt before my hand slides underneath the material and meet his chiseled flesh. My heart races as his eyes search mine. He hesitates only for a moment before he conquers my mouth again, resting his weight on his hands, which are on either side of my head, trapping me in his embrace. His lips leave mine and I almost whine until I feel them make their way down my neck and across my collarbone. One of his hands gently strokes my arm until I feel his fingertips crossing a dangerous path across the rough material of the nightshirt. His palm crosses over my breast and with a gasp, I arch off the bed, pushing myself against his hands. I feel his tongue dart against my neck as he palms my breast through the shirt. Suddenly impatient, I grab his hand and bring it under my shirt to rest on my breast. I see his eyes widen a little as his palm meets my skin but he relaxes and I hear him let out a little moan. He leans back a little, his eyes traveling over my face until I capture his gaze and hold it while his tentative fingers explore my burning flesh. He gently takes my nipple between his fingers and I let out a loud moan, tossing my head back. He leans down and sucks at my neck again, before making his way down and I feel my shirt being pushed up. Before I can stop him, we hear a crash and a series of curse words and drunken yells. Peeta rolls his eyes and goes to the window, shaking his head.

"Damn drunkard. He's chasing the geese."

"We should go help him," I say, hastily pulling my shirt back down. But he shakes his head.

"You stay in bed, I'll go." I'm about to protest when I feel his lips on mine again and he gives me a shy smile.

"I'll be right back."

"You promise?" His knuckles trace my cheek before he kisses me again.

"Promise." He pulls on his shoes and I watch him hurry from the room. As soon as he leaves, I feel the cold hit me again. I shiver and pull on some baggy pants, then burrow under the blankets. I hear his heavy footsteps and I sit up in bed, waiting for him. He seems surprised that I'm still awake.

"Is Haymitch ok?"

"I took him back home and made sure he has some bread for the morning. I don't think he'll eat it though."

"I shot a deer this afternoon. We can go over tomorrow and have lunch with him…make sure he eats." He smiles as he slides into bed with me but I don't miss his wince.

"What's wrong?"

"Ah, damn leg is just acting up, that's all." He reaches down to massage it and I glance down. He's never let me see him without the prosthetic. I've only seen it in passing, just a few glimpses here and there. He catches me staring and he pulls the blankets over his torso.

"I just don't like to sleep with it on, that's all."

"Then take it off," I say quietly. He stares at me and swallows heavily. It's just a leg, for heavens sake! Why is he so afraid? I lean in and kiss him and his hand comes up to my cheek. But I pull away and move the blankets aside.

"Peeta, if it bothers you, take it off. Why are you acting squeamish?"

"I'm not squeamish, I just…didn't know how you would react. I thought you'd be….you know, disgusted by it." I sit staring at him for the longest time. That's why he's endured the discomfort all these nights? Because he thought I'd be disgusted by it?

"Peeta…remember who you're talking to. Remember what we dealt with in the Arena."

"You were pretty squeamish when you were fixing it up, you know."

"Anyone would be!" Well, no, my mother wouldn't. Or Prim. I shake my head and he just smiles. He flings his legs over the side of the bed and pulls his pants leg up. I can see where the prosthetic reaches where his knee would have been. He clicks the hasp and it comes off in his hands. He shoots me a quick glance before he leans it against the wall, then dives back under the covers. He seems wary so I snuggle up to him and wrap my arm around his waist. He relaxes immediately and wraps his arms around me.

"I adore you, Peeta. All that you are, everything about you. You're perfect and you are mine." He closes his eyes and looks to be in pain and I bite my lip, wondering if I've said the wrong thing. He opens his eyes again and I see them glistening with tears. I lean back, biting my lip anxiously. But he leans forward and strokes my lips with his fingertip and squeezes his eyes shut.

"Say it again." Realizing what's going on in his head, I smile and lean up to kiss his forehead.

"You're mine," I say in my best sultry voice as I lean in and gently nip at his bottom lip. He gasps and his hands fly to my arms, holding me in place.

"I didn't know I could be owned." I lean back and frown, despite his teasing tone.

"Fine then, you can just-"

"Katniss, stop. I was just teasing you."

"Well, don't. I don't like to be teased." I don't know why I'm feeling so defensive. I know it's a joke and besides, I'm the one who can't say the damn words he wants to hear. Only because I'm too afraid he won't say them back. How selfish am I?

But he would never pressure me. That's just the way Peeta is. Which makes me love him and feel unworthy of him at the same time. An uncomfortable silence passes between us and I feel even more frustrated. This is not where I want this night to go. Sighing deeply, I settle back into the blankets and turn away from him. I fight back tears as I grip the pillow in anger. I hear him sigh deeply and expect him to return to his home. Instead, I feel him gently lift my head and slide his arm underneath me while his other arm goes to my waist, not holding me but simply sitting there, daring me to move it. I feel his warm breath on the back of my neck as he snuggles in closer and his breathing changes so that I know he's falling asleep. I try to close my eyes and do the same but sleep just won't come. It's not the nightmares that keep me up this time. It's the thoughts that race around my brain. We have both been through so much. Why are there even more tests in life? Shouldn't there be a time when everything starts to fall into place and we start to build a life together? Aren't we OWED that? After everything, don't we deserve to find some kind of happiness? Peeta's arm moves over my waist and pulls me closer so that I'm pressed against his body. I hear him softly whisper my name in his sleep and I relax. I love this boy. My boy with the bread. And I will find a way to tell him.

I'm so excited to see people are enjoying this! Please keep those reviews coming! Enjoy this long Katniss chapter! ;)