Tegan's Point Of View:

Breathing was difficult, especially when your chest was constricted, your heart being squeezed like it's in a vice because of the pain you feel. Now I'm not one to cry, I pride myself on staying strong and the fact I haven't cried since I was fourteen made me oddly proud. Not since their death. A hiccup caught in my throat, the tears were hot behind my eyes but I refused to let them spill, I would not cry. Rodney, my Rodney, was leaving me. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like he'd failed me. He'd broken a promise. It wasn't his fault though, and that made the guilt churn in my stomach like a snake writhing in battery acid. After seeing Jeannie, or as I called her Jean, go in to see Rodney I had had to leave, because the weight of grief on my chest was threatening to crush me and I didn't want anyone to see as I fell apart. I was too stubbornly proud for that, which is why I was currently hurrying through the corridors and ignoring the strange looks I was getting as I barrelled through the crowds to get to my room, where I locked my door and threw myself face down on my bed. Then, I let go of the tight hold I had on my emotions, and like a complete baby I burst into tears. Loud sobs broke free from my throat, sounding strangled and foreign to my ears. My body shook uncontrollably and my eyes were pouring out a bucket load of tears, but still the pain I felt wouldn't go away. It felt like it was taunting me, the more I cried the more it hurt. The more it hurt, the more it sunk in that I really was loosing Rodney.

I was sixteen and sitting on a park bench somewhere in Canada. My eyes were sore but I couldn't stop crying, my heart hurt too bad and I felt myself slipping back into an old shell that I had thought I had long since abandoned. It was cold today, and the thin black cardigan I wore over my black dress did little to keep me warm. The goosebumps had risen on my arms, so high that they looked like mountains to me. Autumn had come, the leaves had been turned stunning shades of orange, brown and yellow. Some had fallen off of the trees in the park and onto the grass to make a carpet of rotting foliage but some still clung to the trees. Sobbing quietly into my shaking hands I heard the crunching of leaves, and the bench creaked as someone sat beside me. Looking up, I saw a gangly boy with a mop of brown hair on his head and braces on his teeth that were almost ready to come off. His blue eyes were full of sorrow and sympathy, he had been at the funeral too, standing beside me in his black suit and tie. Seventeen year old Rodney Mckay shrugged out of his suit jacket and placed it around my shoulders, before pulling me into his side where he promptly wrapped an arm around my shoulders. My head dropped onto his shoulder and I cried in the one place I felt safe now, the one place I had left in a huge, lonely world.
"It's okay Tea...It's okay." he whispered. Shaking my head I cried,
"It's not! It's not! T-they want to p-put me in a f-foster home Rodney!"
"No they're not, my mom won't let them... I won't leave you Tegan, I'm going to be by your side, I promise. I swear to you Tegan, I'll always be here if you need me." he vowed quietly. Looking up at him I saw the intense sincerity in his eyes. This was the boy that had befriended me when nobody else had wanted to, my first friend after moving to Canada. This was the boy who had tutored me through my exams, and the only friend I had that had come with me today, to my grandmother's funeral. Rodney was the boy who was promising never to leave, Rodney was the one person I trusted with my life.

"Tegan." Whipping my head around I wiped furiously at my eyes, not looking at whoever was in my room.
"Don't you ever knock!" I yelled angrily, well, I tried too at least. My voice came out shaky and weak, barely more than a whisper. My bed sank as someone sat beside me and I buried my head in my arms to try and avoid whoever it was.
"I did, you just didn't answer and I could hear your crying so don't pretend your not. I used my emergency override to let myself in." the voice was calm and I knew exactly who it was thanks to the intoxicating, tangy scent of their aftershave, that and they naturally smelled like apples as always.
"Go away Sheppard." my voice was muffled by the pillow but I was sure he had heard it. I was also sure he'd shook his head defiantly because he hadn't moved from beside my bed.
"Not until you let me in. You need to talk to someone Tegan, your killing yourself here." he said softly. He was right, I knew he was right, but I was too stubborn to agree and give in. Pushing myself up into a sitting position I curled my knees up to my chest and looked at a fixed point in the wall across the room from him. His touseled black hair was shimmering in the light, his face was a little paler than usual and I knew that the whole of the team was being affected by this and not just me. God, I should be helping them! Yet here I am, selfishly sitting here like a wimp and crying over something I can't change. That snake of guilt writhed again in my gut.

We sat in silence for a while before Sheppard finally lost his cool. Standing suddenly, he started to pace infront of me, running a hand through his hair and making it stick up in all directions, his eyes were frustrated. Turning on his heel he looked at me accusingly, arms crossed over his chest as I rose to my feet and stubbornly stood infornt of him, wiping my eyes furiously to try and stem my tears."Tegan you need to talk to me, I can't help if I don't know." his voice was soft, soft but demanding. But he was demanding something I didn't want to give him, it was too personal. Biting my lip I looked away, turning my body half away from him so he couldn't see the way my hands were trembling.
"I can't tell you." I whispered.
"Why?" he shot back. Good question Sheppard I thought sarcastically. The other part of my brain was scolding me though, he was trying to help, John Sheppard was trying to be a caring friend. You promised him a sneering little voice in the back of my head said, You promised Rodney you'd try and make friends, you promised yourself you would too, starting with John and his team. Not living up to that promise very well are you? God I really was a failure wasn't I? So selfish... "Why Tegan?" John demanded again but his voice was still soft, not pushing me too far.
"Because it's..it's too...it's not me..." my voice was shaky, my stubborn resolve wavering, he was breaking through my walls and I'd only known him what? A month, two months? Swallowing hard I tried to block off my emotions, stop myself crying so I could face the problems lieing infront of me. But it didn't work, they just kept coming and Sheppard's hand gripping my arm lightly and spinning me to face him didn't help, neither did his soft hazel eyes that looked oh so concerned.

Dammit! Why did he have to look so damn attractive!
"You're trying to stay strong for everyone else but you're forgetting that you need a moment of weakness too. You can't be strong all of the time. Especially not at a time like this with the problems we're facing, but you need to remember that we're a team Tegan...you, me, Teyla, Ronon and Rodney, you're not going through this alone. We look after each other, please let me look after you. Tell me how to help." he coaxed gently. Pain flared in my chest and I shook my head viciously, yanking my arm away and glaring up at him through watery eyes. Why did my heart have to hurt so bad? I was acting like an emotional teenager for crying out loud!
"You can't help! No one can help because they can't come back! They're dead okay! They're dead and not here when I need them and I should be dead too!" I was almost screaming at him but his expression never wavered. His face remained calm, his eyes still concerned and as I dropped to the floor, unable to stand any longer, he dropped with me. Collapsing sideways into more hysterical sobs I felt my head hit his chest. Sheppard stiffened, but slowly wrapped an arm around my shoulders and held me to him.
"Who's dead? I'm here Tegan, talk to me." he muttered. Sniffling slightly I took a few deep calming breathes, not looking up at him I just let myself lean against him. I felt utterly exhausted while I recounted everything that had happened that night in vivid detail.

"Would you stop fussing Tegan, you look beautiful baby girl." my mom kissed my temple and put her hands on my shoulders, squeezing gently. I sighed and looked at the reflection of a girl that really wasn't me. The dark blue dress hugged her figure yet flowed out from her hips, the silky material reflecting the light and glittering when I moved. My face was done in a light coat of make up, making my grey eyes pop out and my lips shimmer light pink. My hair was twisted into an elegant bun at the back of my head. My mom looked pretty similar, only her dress was a floor length, curve hugging black one. Her light brown hair was pinned up on her head in a half bun half ponytail style. Her face was made up too and she looked a lot more elegant than me. Pulling something out of the drawer, she pulled it around my neck, a gold chain with a white gold pendant. It must have cost a lot because on the back there was an engraving, All our love always. "Come on Tea, I know you're not one for fancy charity gala's and balls but it has to be done. Tomorrow morning we're heading back to England. When you get older, you'll realise that your farther needed all of these parties to be a better buisness man, and sometimes...buisness has to come first." she said firmly, but her tone was still gentle and begging me to understand as she walked to the door of the fancy five star hotel room. "I expect to see you down there in five minutes...at least put the blue ones on so they match your dress." she said with a smile and I laughed lightly. She knew exactly what I was going to do. By the time I stepped out, the make up was off of my face, my hair was in it's usual sleek ponytail and the silver heels I'd been wearing were lieing in the corner after being replaced by my converse.

Walking down the stairs, I entered the ballroom that had been booked out for this event. My dad was...a rather important man. He was the ambassador for England, I didn't know what he was ambassador for because it was highly classified (

I later found out it was the stargate programme), but that meant he had to come to these stupid politician parties. He'd missed my birthday last month because of it. The ball room was huge. A chandelier hung from the ceiling, a small violin group were playing quietly in the corner, to the left of the big mahogony doors. The room had tables down the left and right sides holding a buffet with every kind of food imaginable, and the floor was a pristine red carpet that looked as though it had been thoroughly washed before it had been laid down. Men were dressed in suits, women were clad in expensive dresses and looked at me with disgust as I passed, but I ignored there looks. Security was posted all over the place but one guard in particular, one who went with me and my mom pratically everywhere that I called Unlcle Barry, caught my eye. I watched my mom turn and spot me, giving me a small motion with her hand which meant mingle and I sighed. The room was uncomfortably warm and I could remember the distinct smell of sweat coming from the many different bodies in the room, mixing with the fancy perfumes and aftershaves that people had tried to cover it up with to create a pretty lethal scent. Elbowing my way through the crowd, I made my way to the edge of the room and stood anti-socially in the corner for a while. Uncle Barry stood beside me, twice my size and twice as burly. We had a good laugh really, playing rock paper scissors and telling a few bad jokes. He wasn't a guard but a friend. Being shipped around the world so my dad could make good press as a family man got pretty boring, but Uncle Barry came with me and made it all bearable with funny faces behind boring people's backs and rude finger gestures to people who offended me. Suddenly, a gun shot shattered the peaceful atmosphere and everyone dropped to the floor.

My back was against the wall and although I was crouching I could see the body on the floor from here. In a black tuxedo and red bow tie the crumpled figure already had a pool of bright red blood staining the carpet around him. He was unceremoniously splayed like a rag doll, arms and legs twisted at strange angles from the fall to the ground. Half of his face had been blown off by the shot, and blood covered most of his neck and chest, but his hair had been brown and in a neat combover before. The only side of his face still in tact (the right side) was mangled in a sort of permenant grimace, and his blue eyes stared out glassily, almost directly at me. The scream ripped from my throat and I shot to my feet, Barry mimicking the movement and holding me back as I struggled to reach my farthers body. My mother heard my scream and ran in from the balcony, calling my name frantically. The gun man popped up suddenly, aiming a 9mm glock at her and firing once. The crimson red blood dribbled down between her eyes, blossoming on her forehead like a flower as she sunk to the ground gracefully, because my mother was all about heirs and graces. No pain had ever come quite as close to the pain ripping through my chest as the gunman dropped his glock on the floor and looked me dead in the eye. He hadn't got on a mask, but he wore contacts that turned his eyes a chilling, bright, bloody red colour. His hair was platinum blonde and tied back in a ponytail. He was so pale he looked like a vampire to me.
"Remember little girl, daddy brought this on himself." he said, before bolting for the balcony and dissappearing from my life for a good few years. Just like that, Tegan James the ambassador's little girl became Tegan James, the ambassadors little orphan.

The tears wouldn't come anymore, I'd told this story too many times to cry over it. Instead, my heart froze over, and upon looking Sheppard dead in the eye I could see the shock he was trying to conceal as I pulled away from him. I curled my knees up to my chest, leaning my back against my bed.
"How old were you?" he asked gently.
"14." my reply was blunt, emotionless. "That unfortunate incident...that was how I met Rodney actually. With no other next of kin in England they sent me to Canada to live with my grandmother." another shudder passed through me and Sheppard frowned,
"This doesn't have a happy ending does it?" he asked almost gravely. Laughing bitterly I shook my head,
"Still working on that one." I admitted sarcastically.
"So how did you have the misfortune to meet Rodney?" he asked curiously. Smiling slightly I recalled the events leading up to that moment fondly,
"He was being beat up behind the school cafeteria...I was kind of the wild child by then. My parents death had sent me a little...haywire. My grades dropped drastically and I became violent, impulsive...my grandmother didn't know what to do with me. I hate bullies, always have and always will. So when I saw them beating him up like that...I lost it and beat the crap out of them, would have been expelled if Rodney hadn't defended me. I tried to push him away like I do with everyone, but he was stubborn, very determined. He tutored me for our exams, helped me pass them with adequate grades at least, but we were already best friends by the time that came around." I explained. Hesitating, I inhaled his apple scent deeply, finding comfort in the smell. Should I tell him I wondered. Looking into his eyes I saw they offered me confidentiality, he wasn't going to tell anyone, and I trusted him not to. Taking a deep breathe I continued quickly before I could bottle it, "I was in Canada for a year and I was sixteen when my grandmother died suddenly, a heartattack in the night. My grandpa had died when I was six so there was no other family for me to go too. Rodney...when I said he was like my brother he literally is Sheppard, well was, anyway. His family adopted me when they threatened to put me in foster care and I became Tegan Mckay legally for three years, before I left and went back to my real home in England. Then I joined the military ended up here." Flinching slightly, I hoped he didn't pick up on the obvious lie in that. That wasn't all of the story but he'd had enough from me for one day.

Sheppard looked stunned into silence. But understanding flickered in his eyes. He understood. He understood why I was so attached to Rodney, why I couldn't let him leave me now. Sheppard's hand came up and patted my shoulder slightly awkwardly, clearly he wasn't used to being in such a deep conversation with a woman and had no clue how to support one. Realising my face was tight with tears I tried to massaged my cheeks back into moving properly.
"Damn that's...that's horrible...I'm sorry you had to go through that." he offered. His eyes looked worried that he hadn't said the right thing and I gave him a weak smile. The pressure on my chest wasn't as bad anymore, it was more bearable. Having him here had helped, he had been right, talking about it made it feel less of a burden. "We all miss him you know." Sheppard said quietly. Sighing I shook my head,
"Without trying to offend anybody...not as much as me and Jeannie do. Everything's changed so fast, he changed so fast. I...he promised he'd never leave and I know it sounds stupid but I'm just so...I'm just so mad that he'd break that promise. I know it's not his fault, he can't help it and that's what makes me feel so guilty and I hate myself for it, he's the one in trouble not me. I'm just being so selfish about this but I don't know what to do, how am I supposed to be there for a person that doesn't even remember me?" I asked, tears brimming in my eyes again and my voice weaker than a whisper. Sheppard sighed and shook his head,
"Honestly? I don't know. But we'll work something out, we always do. It's going to turn out okay in the end. We're the miracle workers of the Pegasus galaxy, we can save everyone else so we can save Rodney."

He sounded so sure of himself, so confident in us that he almost had me believing him. Chewing my lower lip I nodded tentatively, no need to tell him I didn't believe that. Just like there was no need to tell him the real reason I had been moved to the Pegasus galaxy. Standing up I walked towards the mirror and caught sight of my reflection, I looked a mess. My eyes were red from all the crying and there were black bags under them, evidence that yet again I hadn't been sleeping. My usually tan skin was pale and even my expression looked worn out and sullen. Turning away from my reflection I paced back and forth between my bed and the wall. The only sound for a while was the squeak of my boots as I turned but Sheppard's eyes followed me back and forth, I could still see him trying to comprehend everything I'd told him.
"I feel so selfish." I admitted. Sheppard frowned a little and stood up, walking towards me,
"Why?" what was with all the questions? Did he have to care so much? Why did he have to make it so easy to talk to him dammit! I didn't want to reveal any more of myself to him today, he'd already seen more than I was comfortable with.
"I'm the one sitting here crying and being pathetic when it's Rodney that's in trouble. He needs my support right now but I can't get within ten feet of him, what kind of friend does that?" there was disgust in my voice as I turned around and smacked straight into his chest.

He was a sturdy man, I'd give him that. I felt his muscles tense as he caught me when I almost fell back. Stumbling slightly he took a step forward, his legs either side of mine and his hands supporting my back. Blinking in suprise I met his eyes, they were roaming my face as slowly while he pulled me back up, my hands on his upper arms as we stood and watched each other, stuck in a trance like state that we couldn't seem to break. He was so close, literally, we were stood maybe an inch away from each other. My senses were overloaded with John Sheppard, his scent, the sturdy feeling of his toned body under my hands. His brown eyes held mine in a captivating way that I couldn't look away from, even if I wanted too. His warmth was radiating from his hands into my body and made my heart speed up in my chest.
"You're a better friend than you think." he murmered, his warm breath hitting my lips and making me shiver. It felt like I was melting, melting like soft runny honey into his arms. This attractive man infront of me was incredible I realised, and it made me nervous to realise that about him. He wasn't just a pretty face, he was really quite sweet and kept a close eye on all of his team because they were his priority. He was selfless, he was kind, he was brave. "You should get some sleep, you're not sleeping again are you?" he asked, his voice barely more audiable than a breathe of air. Shaking my head slightly I tried to get my breath to come out of my throat. "Then take the rest of the day, I'll clear it with Woolsey, sleep." he insisted lightly.

"Bu-but I..." I trailed off unable to get my words out of my throat as my heart hammered painfully against my ribs. His brown eyes flickered down to my lips and my hands tightened on his arms, unfortunately for me, that seemed to shake him awake. It was like reality suddenly crashed down on both of us to shatter that peaceful atmosphere that had descended over the room, that it was just so incredibly wrong. He was a Lieutenant Colonel, I was just about a Lieutenant and there were strict fraternization rules in the military that prohibited relationships. Relationships? God I needed to slow down. So what if I met an attractive guy that was just as attractive on the inside as he was outside? That didn't mean I had to fall head over heels for him. We both pulled away at the same time and cleared our throats awkwardly. My eyes flickered away, finding my boots had become the most interesting thing in the room to stare at. "I erm...thank you for er...for listening to me and er...yeah I'm going to...going to go to sleep now." I said impassively, with a little nod at the end.
"Oh yeah yeah right, go for it, I'll er, I'll er...see you later." with that, he swiftly left the room and didn't look back. Swallowing slightly I waited until the doors closed before I flopped down on my bed with an over dramatic sigh and buried my face in the pillow, where I proceeded to yell in frustration until my throat was raw. Why the hell had I let him leave?