Still not mine
When I went back out, both guys had finished their lists. I sat across from them, holding my hands out for the lists they'd written. I was surprised by some of the things written on them, and hurt by others, but I promised myself I'd relax and deal with it.
Joes list was written out easily
Reasons he wanted to be with me: he loved me, couldn't picture his life without me, the sex was great, and we'd known each other forever.
The parenting issue? Get rid of Ranger and his baby, and raise our baby together, or do it on my own with no help from Joe for anyone.
Rangers lists were both more in depth, and I appreciated that, since Joes list didn't exactly endear me to him.
Reasons he wanted to be with me: he loved me more than he thought possible, I brought light into his otherwise dark world, I was sweet and funny, and I didn't see the bad things he'd done, just the man underneath.
He had put three parenting options: raise both children either coparenting with Morelli, or without Morelli at all – that was up to Morelli, split custody of the children between Morelli and I, and Ranger and I, or – if I couldn't get my act together – Ranger would take his child, because right now I was not very likeable.
That hurt. A lot, not even going to lie.
My list for the guys, of the pros of being with either one? Morelli there weren't many. Great sex, but otherwise he was domineering and controlling to a point that I couldn't live with. He could cook, and he tended to be pretty tidy. That's sad, that after all these years, that was the only good thing I could think of for him.
Carlos had many more positives. He loved me, he never tried to change me – until recently, and I did understand why he was trying to change me now. He could cook and clean, he provided well, he always made sure my needs were met, he was considerate at all times, even when he was away. He wasn't asking me to discriminate against Morelli's kid, although I only just added that after reading his list.
I hadn't had many things to think about, parenting wise. I knew whatever decision I made romantically would more than likely decide how the parenting situation would go. That is to say, if I chose Joe he'd insist on being there 24/7 and if I chose Carlos, same deal. However, Carlos was right, I did need to grow up a bit.
I wouldn't keep Joe from his kid. I'd never expect either of these guys to walk away and they shouldn't expect the other to either.
"I think I know what I want to do," I told them both.