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I return with three squirrels but I was so distracted by my thoughts that my shot was messy. I stop in Victor's Village and glance up at Peeta's house. Maybe Haymitch is right. I should give Peeta some time alone. So I take the squirrels into my house and slam them on the counter. I realize that it's been awhile since I have been to this house and I shiver at the silence. I leave my bow and game bag by the door and kick off my boots while I set to stripping the meat.
I'm covered in blood and entrails but the meat is stripped and prepared and I think it will make a good dinner tonight. I leave the knife on the counter and decide I most definitely need a shower. I'm starting up the stairs when I hear the door open.
"Katniss?" comes his tentative voice as he comes in looking for me.
"Hey, I'm in here but I was going to take a shower before dinner." Peeta stops in front of me, his eyes wide. I look down quickly and look back up at him, horror-stricken.
"Peeta-" but his breathing is labored and his eyes have gone dark.
"You murdering bitch," he growls as he launches himself at me, his hands outstretched.
"Peeta, wait!" I dodge him but he's fast too; he's turned on his heel and his fist catches me in the jaw. With a cry, I crash to the floor and look up in terror as he hovers over me. He looks around until his eyes fall on my hunting knife. My bloody hunting knife.
Shit.
"You killed her, you evil mutt! I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!" He grabs the knife and leaps at me, giving me only a second to scoot away. My jaw is throbbing and I back up, using my hands, whimpering like a child.
"Peeta…please. It's me! I'm not here to hurt you."
"No," he snarls, holding the knife up, "but you hurt her, didn't you? You killed her!"
"I didn't kill anyone!" I'm crying now, holding onto my aching cheek. "I won't hurt you! I love you!"
"Liar! You're lying to me, mutt! And I'll kill you for it!" With speed and agility I remember from the Games, he grabs a fistful of my hair and yanks my head back. I feel the cold blade at my throat and I gasp. Tears stream down my face as I look up into his face. The last thing I'll ever see is the face I love, filled with such hatred. I let out a sob and his face screws up.
"Don't think your tears are going to save you, mutt. You murdered my wife. You think my tears don't count?"
"Peeta, please. Just look at me. I'm Katniss Everdeen, the girl who loves you. I'm not a mutt. It's not real." He looks uncertain but the blade presses harder and I try to back up before he slices me open. I could try to call for Haymitch but I'm sure I'd be dead before I get out the first syllable. So I try again to appeal to him.
"Peeta. I love you. That is real. Everything the Capitol told you is not real. My love for you…it's real. It's very real." He blinks and his hold on my hair releases only slightly. I bring my hand up to rest on his wrist and he tenses. But I keep whispering how much I love him and very slowly, I lower his hand. He drops the knife and crashes to his knees. He lowers his head and rocks back and forth. I start to hold him but he sobs for me to get away from him and I obey. I run out of my house and across to Haymitch's.
"Dammit, the kid did a number on you," he says as he dabs at the wound at my throat. I wince and shake my head.
"There's a chance he won't remember what he's done. And we will not remind him, Haymitch."
"Katniss, he could have killed you. Again."
"He didn't. I was able to calm him down. It was just the blood and seeing me like that that made him go off. I just have to be more careful from now on."
"Fine but I still think he should have a check up with Aurelius."
"He's not going back to the Capitol," I say sharply. "Aurelius is still treating him over the phone. It's not his fault, Haymitch!"
"I never said it was, sweetheart. But this scares me a little. He's strong and he came really close...again." I squeeze my eyes shut and turn away and he sighs heavily. We hear the door burst open and Peeta's panicked voice.
"Haymitch! Where are you? Haymitch!"
"I'm here, kid," Haymitch jumps to his feet and goes to greet him.
"Where's Katniss? What did I do? Did I-" he stops as he enters the room and sees me. I push the first aid kit out of sight but the damage has been done. Peeta is pale and his lip is trembling as he brings a hand up to his mouth.
"Oh god, no." He looks as if his knees are going to give out and he stumbles backwards out of the room.
"Peeta, wait!" I run to him and take his arm but he flings me away and gives me a terrified look.
"Don't Katniss. Don't touch me. Don't come near me. I'm a danger to you." He sobs and runs from the house. I try to follow him but Haymitch holds me back.
"Let me go!"
"Stop it, sweetheart. Just give him some time to collect his thoughts. It won't do either of you any good to go banging in on him right now." I turn, helpless, and watch him clean up the first aid kit. I wince as I bring the ice to my cheek and I pray there won't be a bruise. I'm about to sit when I hear a lamented wail coming from across the way. Without another thought, I throw the ice to the ground and run to him.
I don't even care anymore. I don't care if it's suicide, bursting in on him like this. All I care about is holding him and making the pain go away, if only for a moment. I look around and don't see him in the living room or the kitchen. Glancing up, I take the stairs two at a time and run into his room. I hear sobs coming from the bathroom and I burst the door open.
Peeta is lying in the floor, curled up into a ball and clutching his head. A knife lies not far from him and I scream as I crash to my knees. I grab his arms and inspect both wrists before pulling him up into a sitting position.
"Look at me." He doesn't so I cup his chin and tilt his face upwards. "Look at me," I say again. He shakes his head and tries to hide his face in his hands.
"Peeta. What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me. Did you try to hurt yourself?"
"No."
"Peeta."
"What?"
"Did you want to hurt yourself?" He finally looks up at him, his eyes streaming, his nose red, and a wild look in his eyes.
"Of course I fucking wanted to hurt myself! I hurt you, Katniss! I could have killed you! Why am I not dead? It would be better if I was dead."
"Shut up! Don't say that, don't ever say that!" I'm aware that we are both screaming and we both probably look quite insane. I shake my head violently and grip his wrists.
"I would die without you, do you understand? If you kill yourself, you might as well kill me first because I wouldn't be far behind you! Damn you Peeta, how could you think of leaving me like this?"
"You thought of leaving me." His reply stops my tirade and I cock my head.
"I haven't ever thought of leaving you. I told you I was waiting for-"
"You tried, Katniss! You tried to take your life!" He's glaring at me and I still don't understand. He grabs my hand and holds my wrist up, shaking it slightly.
Oh damn it. He's seen it. This glowing scar that haunts me every moment.
"See? You tried it! Why won't you let me?"
"Because you're stronger than I am," he scoffs at that and I pull him closer. "You are. You overcame it all. You beat the Capitol, Peeta! You overcame the hijacking. You never carried through with the Capitol's plan."
"What plan," he sniffs.
"To kill me," I say softly and he looks into my eyes.
"I couldn't," he replies, just as softly. I wrap my fingers around his and move closer to him.
"You beat the odds, Peeta. You came back to me. You always come back to me, like you said. You're not a danger to me. You're my life and my reason for breathing. And if you leave me, you'll be cutting off my air supply. I'll die without you, Peeta, I will just cease to breathe. You just have to be stronger. For me. Know that I love you and I will always love you."
"Katniss," he releases another sob and he lowers his forehead to my chest. He slowly falls forward and I don't have the strength to hold him up. I'm so tired, I could just lie down on this floor and die with him. Maybe that's what we need. To let each other go. We could go together, like I said. Who will take care of Haymitch? Sae maybe. Hazelle. They won't let him starve. The knife is still close by. All it would take is a quick slice to our throats.
I remember this very old story that Finnick tried to get me to read, back in 13. Apparently he had found it in 13's library and he fell in love with it. Romeo and Juliet by this really really old guy called Shakespeare. He probably would have been popular in the Capitol. Anyway, I think Finnick wanted me to read it because they were called the 'star-crossed lovers'. Their families were fighting and they fell in love, against all odds. But they could never be together. So after a whole lot of tragedy, Romeo sees Juliet's body and thinks she is dead, when she is really just sleeping. So he drinks poison and when she wakes up next to his body, she stabs herself with his dagger. The story is freaking depressing and I had even worse nightmares, which I blamed Finnick for. But lying here with Peeta, I wonder about the peace of death. If we're together, what does it matter? Romeo and Juliet were finally together and away from their feuding families. In death, we would escape the nightmares and the hijacking and the flashbacks and the emotional trauma and the tears and the pain. We could escape it all, with a flick of this knife.
I start to reach for it but Peeta stretches and lies down completely, resting his head in my lap. His arms reach up and wrap around my waist and I move my arm underneath his head so he is more comfortable. He lets out a breathy sigh and I sense a change in his breathing. He turns his cheek and I see his eyes are closed. My fingers go to his hair and I stroke his blonde curls. His hold around me tightens as he buries his face in my lap. I sigh and lean against the wall, feeling sleep overpower me. We stay like that, with him asleep in my lap, in the middle of the bathroom floor, for the rest of the night.
I wake up feeling like I was hit by a train. I pull myself up and lean back, looking around to see where I was. Katniss is leaning against the wall, her eyes closed and her chest moving up and down steadily. A knife lays just a few inches away from her hand and I blink several times.
What the hell happened to us?
Slowly, it all starts to come back. I stare at Katniss and feel my heart sink. There is a large purple bruise forming underneath her eye and I blink back tears. I stand up and stretch my aching muscles, starting when I notice my reflection. God I look terrible. At least I look as bad as I feel.
I notice Katniss shivering and I know this tile floor is not comfortable. So I gather her in my arms and carry her to our room. I gently set her on the bed and pull the sheets over her. I turn to leave, knowing I should not be near her but I feel her small hand on mine and I freeze.
"Stay," she mumbles and I'm not entirely sure if she's awake or if she's dreaming. But I find that I can't leave her, despite my better judgment. So I pull back the sheets and climb into bed with her, slipping my arms underneath her and pulling her close. Her arm drapes over my waist and she buries her face into my chest.
"Always," I whisper into her hair and with a final kiss on her head, I close my eyes and allow sleep to take me again.