The reviews are SUPER awesome, thank you SO SO much! Here's a nice long one for you all! Have a great weekend! :)
I fidget in my suit and pull at my collar. I've worn a lot tighter, in the Capitol, and maybe that's what is upsetting me. These clothes remind me of when they dressed me up in the Capitol, when I had to do propos for them. When they wanted me to try to save Katniss by telling her to cease fire. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump.
"I'm sorry," she says meekly.
"It's fine," I breathe as I pull her into my arms. I'm beyond grateful that I have her by my side today. I don't think I would make it through otherwise.
Katniss told me that Thom found my family and she proposed the idea of burying them in the meadow. At first I was against the idea…it seemed wrong just tossing them on top of our neighbors in one big mass grave but Katniss said that Thom had dug a little spot that was separate from the pit. I'm extremely touched and grateful for this and agreed we should have something of a proper funeral. Since I never got to say goodbye to them, this seems appropriate.
When we get outside, Haymitch is coming down his porch, wearing an old suit of his. I'm surprised and quite touched. He claps my shoulder.
"Didn't want you kids to be alone today."
"Thanks Haymitch."
We walk to the meadow together and I see Delly and Sae there as well. Katniss squeezes my hand, when I notice I haven't released her hand the whole time.
"I didn't think you would want a big affair but these are our family and they knew them too." I nod in agreement. Delly comes up to hug me and I blink back tears. The grave is freshly dug and there is a crude sort of headstone that says Mellark on it.
They're not in an unmarked grave and this gives me some comfort. Even though most of District 12 cannot afford gravestones and are marked with a piece of bark or a pebble from the stream, I appreciate this gesture. I drop to my knees in front of the fresh soil and stare down, suddenly wondering how much of them Thom was able to find.
I feel sick and squeeze my eyes shut. I feel Katniss's hand on my shoulder and I reach up and squeeze it. I feel her love flowing through me and it gives me strength. Haymitch, Sae, and Delly stand behind us, a little ways off and I silently say my farewells to my family. I had already come to terms I would never see them again. After all, I was going into the Quell prepared to die. I had said my goodbyes and my father said he understood. My brothers pleaded for me to just try to come home but I made my father promise to take care of Prim and Mrs. Everdeen if anything happened to Katniss. He promised to do so and then he hugged me.
I look up at the sky and see it is my favorite shade of orange right now. So many beautiful colors paint the clouds. Reds and oranges and yellows and a little bit of a dark indigo as night is coming out soon.
It's peaceful. It's a nice spot to lay them to rest.
"I love you. All of you," I whisper before I struggle to my feet. Katniss helps me up and I turn to face my friends.
Delly sniffles as she comes forward to say farewell and she kisses my cheek before she hurries away. Sae gives me a big hug and tells me I am my father's son. Patting my cheek gently, she too walks back toward town. Now it's only Haymitch, Katniss, and me. Katniss has a bundle of dandelions in her hands and she places them over the grave. When she comes back to me, she wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head on my arm. We three stand there, staring at the grave for the longest time, before Haymitch is the first to turn away. Katniss takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.
"Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Mellark," she says loudly and I turn to look at her. "Thank you for bringing this perfect person into the world. I will do everything in my power to take care of him. I promise." My eyes fill with tears and I pull her in for a hug. Her arms wrap around my neck and she breathes softly.
"Let's go home," I say into her hair and I feel her nod. We clasp hands and she leads me back to our home.
Our home. District 12 has always been where I've lived but I've found home in Katniss's arms.
"Katniss, you home?" I stomp the snow off my shoes before I go into the house and sigh at the warmth of the room. 12 has been getting colder and colder and the walk from the bakery to Victor's Village is starting to destroy me. But I can't help the flushed cheeks and the excited grin I have every time I come home from the construction. It's coming along nicely and I cannot wait until Katniss sees the finished product. It's been several months since Thom assembled a construction crew to start and they have come really far in such a short time. And in those months, Katniss and I have just grown closer. She moved her things out of her house and into mine and hardly goes over there anymore, except when she's been hunting and she needs to prepare the meat. We don't speak about that god-awful day but I know that's why she's started to do this. I want to tell her that it's ok, to just work over here but I'm terrified that I'll have another flashback and hurt her again. I haven't had one since that day. If I feel close to one, I dig my fingernails into my palms and let it pass. If Katniss is near me, she wraps her arms around me and presses my head into her chest. It makes me feel safe and loved, knowing she's close by and so protective of me. I hang up my coat and scarf by the door and glance at the dark kitchen.
Ok, that's strange. She should be home. She can't be hunting, it's too cold for anything. And it's nearly dark anyway.
"Katniss?" I walk through the house, feeling dread start to set in. It's too dark for my liking. Too silent.
I finally find her in front of the fireplace, stretched out on her stomach and sobbing into her arms.
"Katniss!" I drop to my knees next to her and scoop her up into my arms. She automatically curls up and wraps her arms around my neck. I sigh against her hair and reach up to wipe away her tears.
"What's wrong, love?" It's then that I notice the large brown book a few inches away. I reach over and flip it over and suck in a breath.
"Oh Katniss," my arms tighten around her and she's sobbing into my chest.
"I…I tried…writing about some of her favorite things…I couldn't even write her name."
"Katniss, sweetheart, I thought we agreed we were going to wait awhile before we added her to the Memory Book? And why were you doing this without me? You could have waited until I got home."
"It's been ages, Peeta. And I still can't say her name. What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing is wrong with you," I assure her. "Pain takes a long time to heal. Some hurts never heal. You have to give it time, Katniss. Don't push yourself and make it worse. You have come so far and I am so proud of you. She would be too." Her sobs cease but she continues to hold onto my shirt with a death-grip. I hold her in my lap for as long as she wants. I see the fire barely flickering and I notice how cold this room is. When I feel how cold her skin is, I shake my head.
"Here, I'm going to stoke the fire. Sit here for a minute." I deposit her on the floor, against the couch, and I move to the fireplace, putting more logs on and watching the flames build. A month ago, the sight made Katniss have a screaming fit. Haymitch had come running over, probably terrified that I was trying to kill her. But the sight of the flames had caused her to run out of the house, screaming, and it took hours for us to get her back inside and calmed down. After that, I learned that I had to be careful. But as we moved into the colder months, she adapted and I felt so proud of her for how far she had come. I curled up on the floor next to her and pulled her into my arms again. I reached behind us for the blanket on the couch and draped it over both of us. I could see the flames flickering in her eyes and I softly kissed her cheek, afraid to disrupt the calm.
"Let's put the book away for tonight, ok? We'll work on it, together, tomorrow." She nodded and I leaned over and closed the book.
The Memory Book had been Katniss's and Aurelius's idea. I know he was relieved that she seemed so enthusiastic about it. She had the idea that she wanted to remember everyone. We were to write about anyone and everyone and I attempted to draw a picture next to her descriptions. It became our project, like the plant book, and helped us grow together even more. We invited Haymitch into the project and after several evenings of pleading with him, he walked in and said in the most solemn voice, "Maysilee Donnor, District 12." And he had walked out with a bottle clutched in his hand. When he had returned the following evening, he told us everything he could about Maysilee.
We added Rue a few weeks ago and it was one of the worst breakdowns I've seen her have. I held her all night, refusing to release her for fear of what she would do. The next morning, she had withdrawn completely and refused to move from the bed. Two days of this and I couldn't do anything to help her. I cried and begged and pleaded for her to eat, to get up, to come back to me. Nothing I did helped. I had gone outside and clipped a primrose from the garden I had planted for her next to the house. I dropped the flower into her lap and she looked up at me with a blank expression.
"She would not want this for you, Katniss. Prim would want you to keep on living. Rue told you that you had to win. She wanted you to live. Both girls are safe now and watching over you. Don't insult their memories by destroying yourself." Having nothing else to say, I had left. When I returned, I found her showered and dressed, sitting on the couch and flipping through the book. She had launched herself at me and I have to say it was one of the most intense lovemaking sessions we had, right there in the living room floor, right in front of this very fireplace. I grin as I remember how loud she had screamed my name that night. I swear that the windows were rattling.
Katniss shifts next to me and I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. She pulls her hair around to one side and leans her head on my shoulder.
"How is the bakery coming along?" She asks in an exhausted voice.
"Really good! I'm going to order some ovens tomorrow. Thom says it should be completed by the beginning of spring."
"Peeta, that's wonderful." I smile as she attempts to stifle a yawn. Moving quickly, I sweep her into my arms and stand up.
"Come on, let's get you to bed."
I carry her up to our room and gently put her to bed. Leaning over, I give her a soft kiss on the forehead before I turn to leave. I desperately need a shower and to change for bed. I feel her small hands gripping my arm and see her lip trembling.
"Don't go. Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" I smile and kick my shoes off, getting ready to climb into bed with her. When I pull her to me, I notice she is shivering pretty violently.
"Katniss?" I stare down at her, a worried expression coming over my face. She buries herself in my shirt and I wrap my arms around her, shielding her from the cold. But it doesn't seem to be doing any good. If anything, her shivering is worsening.
"Katniss, what's wrong?"
"I don't feel so great," she says in a muffled voice, not looking up from my chest.
"Yeah, I got that. Tell me what's going on."
"I just don't feel well, Peeta," she snaps. She finally looks up at me and her eyes fill with tears. "Oh Peeta, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"It's fine," I stop her. I've been with her long enough to know and understand her mood swings. I'm probably the only person in the world who will tolerate them. Haymitch certainly loses it when he has had enough. He leaves our house, screaming about the "fucking Mockingjay" (his words, not mine). I think Haymitch and Katniss like to see how they can rile each other up. They're too much alike and that's something I learned a long time ago. I lean down to kiss her head and tell her to stay there.
I hurry into our bathroom and get the water running. It doesn't take long to fill up my enormous tub and I tiptoe back to our room, surprised that she's almost asleep.
"Hey," I say softly, bending down to pick her up. "Let's take a bath."
"Mmm, k," she replies and I chuckle softly before kissing her cheek. I carry her into the bathroom and pull off her shirt. I help her out of her pants and underwear and watch her slide into the tub, sighing when the warm water hits her chilled skin. I quickly toss my own clothes aside and prop my prosthetic against the wall before sliding in behind her. She leans against my chest, her head resting below my chin, and I feel her relaxed and limp.
"You need anything?" I ask her, reaching up to stroke her arms.
"No," she says in a soft voice. "This is all I need, right here." She pulls my arms around her and holds on tight. I kiss her cheek before I rest my head on her shoulder and we enjoy the warmth and relaxation of the hot water.
I can't help but shiver when I get out of the tub and instantly wonder if I have left a window open somewhere. I help her dress in a warm nightshirt and pants and she pulls on one of my old jackets as well. I decide to make us some hot chocolate and I leave her in the bed, bundled up under the blankets. I quickly set to making the drinks and check the house for any drafts coming in. When I find none, I take the two steaming mugs back upstairs and stop in the doorway. She's gone from the bed.
"Katniss?" I try not to let the fear flood my voice but I just left her here. She pops up from under the blankets and I have to laugh at the sight of her messy hair in her eyes, her sleepy expression, and her scowl.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing," I say quickly, leaning down to kiss her hair. I hand her the mug and she sips slowly. We talk late into the night (actually I do most of the talking as she is just completely worn out and I still haven't asked her what she did all day to get this tired) and when we are finished, I set the mugs on the bedside table. I notice she has set up some of her things on this table. There's the glass flower I purchased for her at the Hob, a picture of her father, the locket I gave her in the Quarter Quell, opened to pictures of her mother and Prim. The picture of Gale has been removed and I can't say I'm too disappointed by this change. There's a single blue ribbon, I believe that had belonged to Prim. I notice the tiniest object last. A simple iridescent pearl, lying against the picture frame. I pick it up and roll it between my fingers. I remember when I gave her this. I remember how I felt, how I was pleading for her to just let me die for her. I'm sort of surprised that she still has it. I turn to look down at her as she rests on my chest and I smile.
"You've kept this, all this time?" Katniss opens her eyes and glances up.
"Of course. It was my last gift from you before I lost you." I set the pearl down and hug her tighter.
"You didn't lose me," I remind her.
"I did though," she says, her voice weak with exhaustion. "And when you were captured, I held onto that pearl as if it was your life in my hands. I took it out and held it to my lips, wishing you were there, imagining that you had returned to me. I've never let it out of my sight. I might lose you again if I ever lose it." She lets out a violent cough that makes both of our bodies shake. I bring the blankets around her and will my strength and warmth into her. She shudders as she lays her head on my chest.
"I love you, Peeta," she says as she drifts into sleep. I softly stroke her hair and watch her sleep. Those three little words still take my breath away. They still make my heart race as much as they did on the first day she said them. I cannot imagine my life without her. And each day, I fall more and more in love with her.
That night, I dream of a beautiful little girl with grey eyes and blonde curls. When she sings, the birds stop to listen and I sit there in front of her, captivated. When she turns to look at me, she has a smile that I see in the mirror. I feel my heart stop as I stare into the eyes of my daughter.
When I wake, I'm surprised that Katniss is still next to me. She has been leaving earlier and earlier in the mornings, long before I'm up. She doesn't have to hunt for survival anymore but she has made it her mission to hunt for the district. She gives meat to Sae for the restaurant and takes even more of it to the orphanages around 12. She has even sent meat to surrounding districts, enough to feed them for a week. I notice that she has rolled away from me and is curled up in the blankets. Probably why I was so cold last night. Grinning, I bend down to search for her face and adorn it with kisses. But when I remove the blankets, I immediately know something is wrong. She is shivering worse than ever and she has turned pale and icy. She looks like she did when I found her in that sinkhole all those months ago.
"Katniss?" She doesn't answer me, doesn't even look at me. Fear courses through me as I bring my hand to her head. She's burning up and yet her skin feels like ice. I seem to remember this happening before, when I was young. Delly's brother and sister. Merchants still got sick, I won't pretend everything was perfect in our part of the district. But we were better off than the Seam and yet that was where the Healer lived. Mrs. Everdeen stored her own herbs and was constantly busy with the sick and wounded. When Delly's siblings were struck with the sickness, their mother was frantic with worry. She wanted to call Mrs. Everdeen immediately but Mr. Cartwright said no, he would not call on a Seam woman. I thought the man was an idiot and we watched as her sister got worse, until her skin lost all color and Delly said it was like touching a block of ice. Her coughing worsened until she started to cough blood. Finally, Mr. Cartwright had consented and Mrs. Everdeen came to inspect the girl. But it was too late. Delly's sister died not fifteen minutes after Mrs. Everdeen arrived. She was able to save her brother, though. She ground up some herbs and made him drink a healing tea. His cough got better, he shivered less, and he was better in several days.
I shiver as I remember the sight of Delly's sister in bed, her eyes wide open, blood staining her nightgown. I hadn't been able to console Delly. I had held her tightly and tried to get her out of the house but she wouldn't leave her sister's side. I look down at Katniss and see her body shake as she coughs into the blankets. I shake my head as I back away from the bed. No. No this can't be happening.
I cannot lose her! Not now, not ever. She'll hate me for doing this but I don't care. I run to our study and quickly dial the number that is beside the phone.
Before the War, not a lot of people had phones. Now more do and I am grateful that she decided to keep one in 4 where she is staying. I wait impatiently, gripping the table with white knuckles.
"Everdeen residence," comes a smooth, soft voice.
"Mrs. Everdeen. It's Peeta." There's silence and I pray she doesn't hang up on me.
"Mrs. Everdeen, Katniss is very sick. I'm…I'm really scared." She asks me to describe the symptoms and when I do she falls quiet again.
"Has she opened her eyes this morning, Peeta?"
"No ma'am. She's just lying under the blankets, shivering." I hear her sigh heavily.
"I couldn't possibly tell you which herbs to get. I doubt they even have many of them."
"Sae has a lot of things. And the Hob may have something," I say loudly. Is she really giving up on her daughter?
"No. I brew some very special things and that cure is difficult to brew. I'll take the first train out of 4 and be there as soon as I can." I feel relief wash over me. I knew, as bad as the woman may be, she would never give up on her only remaining daughter. I thank her and run back to Katniss. Mrs. Everdeen told me to put a cold towel on her and keep her body warm. I make sure she is bundled up and I set a cold cloth on her face. She whimpers and turns her head and I stroke her brow.
"It'll be alright, Katniss. I'll help you through this. Because you have helped me so much. Now it's my turn. It's my turn to take care of you." I need someone to meet Mrs. Everdeen at the station but I can't leave Katniss. That leaves one person and I hurry back to the study to call him. I wind up calling five times before I give up. I swear, if something happens to Katniss while I'm gone, I will murder the man with my bare hands. I kiss Katniss on the forehead and wince at how hot she is.
"I'll be right back," I whisper before running down the stairs and across to Haymitch's.
The damn phone is still ringing when I get inside. The awful stench of his house reaches my nostrils and I nearly gag. He's passed out at the table, his fingers curled around a bottle. I decide to take Katniss's lead and I toss a tankard of water over him, leaping out of the way as he jumps up with a knife in hand.
"What the hell, boy? You're turning into her now? You're going to give me pneumonia!"
"If you answered your damn phone, I wouldn't have to drown you," I shout back. He sits back down, grumbling.
"Haymitch, I need you to get your shit together. Mrs. Everdeen is due to arrive at the train station soon and I need you go meet her." He squints up at me.
"Come again? Why is that lovely woman gracing us with her presence?" He hasn't forgiven her for turning her back on Katniss, I guess. It bothers me too, as I know it hurt Katniss, but she is the only person who can help.
"Katniss is sick. I mean really sick. I thought she was the best person to call."
"It didn't occur to you to call a doctor? 12 does have those now. What will sweetheart say when she finds out you called her mother? The woman who abandoned her when she needed her most?"
"I don't care!" I shout, tears welling in my eyes. I impatiently wipe them away and glare at Haymitch. "At least she'll be alive to yell at me. I'm losing her, Haymitch! I'd deal with fucking Alma Coin if I thought it would make her better." Haymitch shakes his head and sighs. I think he knows that Mrs. Everdeen is Katniss's best chance too.
"Ok. I'll go get her. You get back to your girl. We will be there soon."
"Thank you." He rises and claps me on the shoulder.
"You know, you never would have yelled at me before," he says thoughtfully. I stare at him and he picks up his empty bottle, studying it. "Just reminds me how much they changed you. How much it's my fault." I swallow deeply. Now is not the time to play sentimental blame game with Haymitch. I shake my head and reply with, "remember it was me who attacked you on the train when we first met you. Not her." He merely grunts as I make my way back to my house.
I try to get Katniss up so she can eat something. But she hasn't moved from that spot and I notice flecks of blood on the sheets from her coughing. Usually the sight would most likely send me hurling into a flashback but all I can think about is keeping her here with me. I lay down beside her and pull her into my arms.
"Katniss, listen to me. I know you can still hear me. Stay with me. You promised you wouldn't leave me again. I will die without you, Katniss, do you understand that? I can't do this without you. I won't. Come back to me. Please."
Her eyes flutter slightly, as if she wants to open them and look at me but she's perfectly still.
Around mid-day, I hear the door open and Haymitch calling my name.
"Upstairs," I call back and hear their footsteps on the stairs. Mrs. Everdeen enters my room and I can't help but notice how well she looks. She's carrying two bags, one clinking with bottles.
"First of all, we need her sitting up. If she's lying down, she'll have drainage in her throat and she won't be able to breathe properly. Peeta, can you carry her down to the couch? Haymitch, grab those blankets for me. Peeta, do you have any more?"
"Katniss has some at her place. I can run and get those." She nods while she checks her daughter's forehead. Her lips purse and I instantly worry. I gather Katniss in my arms and carry her downstairs. Haymitch comes behind, holding all my blankets in his arms and he tucks them in around her when she's situated on the couch.
"I'll go get the blankets from her house," he says stiffly and I notice how pale he looks. I knew the old man cared about us.
Mrs. Everdeen sends me to put water on for tea and I busy myself in the kitchen. When I return with the steaming mugs, I watch her fuss over her daughter. I don't know if it's mother mode or nurse mode. I never saw my mother worry over us. I remember when I was four, I burned myself on the oven and went crying to her. She shooed me away, telling me to run it under cold water and to stop bothering her. So instead, I ran to my father, who scooped me up and kissed my injured hand. My eyes fill with tears at the memory and I shake myself, willing myself to stay here. I can't be of any use to Katniss if I keep getting lost in my memories.
I watch as Mrs. Everdeen stirs the ingredients together, her face stoic the entire time. Haymitch returns with the blankets in his arms and he nudges me gently.
"Aren't these yours?" I can't help but smile.
"They are." I never did get them back. I had completely forgotten about that but suddenly remember the way my heart leaped when I had crawled into bed with her the first night and noticed she was wrapped in my blankets, almost breathing them in. Like she was breathing me in. I notice she sometimes does this when I hold her. She buries her face in my shirt and inhales, a look of peace coming over her face, as if she is trying to fix it to memory. I have to admit, I do the same thing when she's in my arms. That earthy smell that is all Katniss. It's what holds me together sometimes.
I shake myself again. Damn it, Peeta, hold yourself together! Katniss lets out a cough and Haymitch shifts beside me. I see him chewing his nails down to the nub and I watch him out of the corner of my eye. As Katniss coughs again, Haymitch loses all color. I can tell that this is affecting him far worse than I ever thought it would. Haymitch views us as his own kids, sometimes. I mean he's been stuck with us for years but he also understands us in ways no one else can. And it's that reason that we are family.
Mrs. Everdeen pours another bottle into the mug and stirs it around. She leans closer to Katniss and puts her hand on her throat.
"Come on, Katniss, you can beat this. You survived the Hunger Games, twice, and a war. Where is my strong daughter? I know she's in there somewhere." I notice that her voice trembles slightly. She brings the tea to Katniss's lips and tips her head back slightly.
"Come on, dear. Drink." She scoops out a spoonful of the tea and holds it to her daughter's lips. I see it trickle down Katniss's chin. Mrs. Everdeen sighs and sets the tea aside for a moment.
"Haymitch, I must ask for you to leave for a moment."
"Why would I do that," he says loudly, a little defensively.
"Because we are going to try to sweat out her fever. And it works best when the patient is naked and wrapped in thick blankets, for extra heat." Haymitch and I both blush. She hasn't asked me to leave. Not that I would anyway and maybe she knows that but still, it's unnerving when your girlfriend's mother knows, or at least suspects, what you've been doing with her daughter. I clear my throat and shift awkwardly as she starts to remove Katniss's shirt.
"Umm…what…what can I do," I stammer.
"If you are comfortable with it, finish removing her clothing. I need to mix these vials together. Do you have any mixing bowls?" A stupid question for a baker.
"The cabinet on the far left." I listen to her heels receding into the kitchen and I move the blankets aside so I can get the rest of Katniss's clothes off. I can't help but blush when her mother returns. No ma'am, I'm not completely familiar and comfortable with your daughter's naked body.
Oh god help me. Maybe Haymitch was right. I should have called a doctor.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and Mrs. Everdeen gives me a small smile.
"Relax dear. I'm fully aware of your relationship with my daughter. And I'm very glad it's you. No one else would treat her with such respect and love." I nod, too shocked to say anything. It's no less awkward but at least we have some sort of understanding. And definitely have one thing in common: we both love Katniss very much.