A/N: Fair warning - the jokes and innuendos get a little thick in this chapter. If they annoy you or leave you confused, feel free to jump down to the first section break. Also, I have Akane telling a story to Ranma; hopefully the verb tenses make sense - or at least flow well. Feel free to send suggestions via reviews or PM's. I'd also like to know if the chapter (or the story) merits the "M" rating I given it or if I'm just being too sensitive/paranoid - I think I got it right though.

Chapter 10: Akane's Tale

"Oh yeah, our stripper was here," she said with a roll of her eyes. "He requests to be brought to Kasumi and while I'm debating this, Chie pushes me aside and takes him to the living room where Kasumi is. He promptly announces that he must arrest Kasumi for 'indecent exposure', causing my naïve big sister's eyes to become very wide. She stammers that there must be some mistake and her face turns beet red. Then he handcuffs her to a chair and says that she causes men to think indecent thoughts any time they see her. As Kasumi looks even more confused and flustered, he asks for music. Nabiki turns on the stereo and he proceeds to do a striptease all the way down to his G-string. He danced and strutted around Kasumi until that blush went all the way down to her toes. If it was me, I would have castrated him, except he looked like he might have enjoyed it. Meanwhile everyone is whistling and cheering – I think they were getting revenge for the Tea Ceremony. Your mother kept telling him to 'take it off'."

"Mom?" Ranma laughed incredulously.

"Your mother was one of the worst ones there, Sunshine," Akane said throwing him a dirty look. "After a few minutes of this, there was another knock at the door. I went to open the door – glad for the excuse – and two big men came in claiming that the stripper had been sent to the wrong house. I sighed in relief and led them to the first guy. Then they began yelling at the stripper who yelled back and a fight broke out between one of the men and the stripper. I was going to throw all of them out except Shizuka grabbed my arm and ordered me to stay out of it – I forget how strong she is sometimes. I caught on when the third man began to move furniture out of the way and then positioned Kasumi's chair were she could see the action. We had a professional wrestling match in our family room! And of course, the nearly nude was tearing the clothes off of the other guy."

"Of course…" Ranma smirked.

"Right down to the overly tight boxer shorts with the hearts on them and a big heart placed strategically," she added.

Ranma laughed at the annoyed look on her face. "So you had two strippers and their keeper?" he asked.

"Two? NO! The door bell rang again!" she half-yelled.

"No way…" he laughed.

"This time, it was a cab driver looking for the other three. However, I can be taught. I brought him in to the living room, and then went upstairs to get my baseball bat which I left by the front door," she said smartly.

"Umm…Akane? Sweetheart? One thing I learned last night, is that these folks are just performers. They are not trying to make you unhappy – they really want the opposite," Ranma said, worried that the inspector might be showing up sooner than expected.

She laughed at his worry though. "Relax, Ranma. I know why they were there. It's not their fault. When the next few strippers arrived, I did warn them that I was a 'nervous virgin' with a Black Belt in extreme Martial Arts and it would be better if they not include me in the performance. One of them laughed and said he believed me, but he had a better reason to leave me alone besides avoiding a hospital visit – he wouldn't get paid if I was unhappy. I toned it down after that."

Ranma gave a sigh of relief, but then his eyebrows rose in disbelief. "After that?" he queried. "How many strippers showed up at the house?"

"EIGHT, NOT INCLUDING THE MANAGER!" she said loudly. "Nabiki hired one, Shizuka hired one, Kasumi's friends hired one, Chie hired one, Ms. Hinako hired one, Mother Ono hired one, and *your mother* hired the first two! Akari looked at me and commented that she and I should have gone 'halvsies' on one – it seemed to be the thing to do!"

"You have to be joking!" he half-pleaded.

"Oh no! And I have photographic evidence!" she said loudly. "Everyone in the room, including the strippers and their manager, insisted that the manager take a picture of me holding the baseball bat with the eight men cowering at my feet, hiding their faces. It was the only picture the manager allowed! That picture was your mother's suggestion by the way."

Ranma stared at Akane: "My mom?" he asked hesitatingly.

"Your mother was the main instigator the whole night!" she said while pointing a finger at him. "You should have seen the cake she ordered! A one meter long phallic symbol! When I pointed out that we couldn't possibly eat that much, she just said that it was very creamy and we should be able to tuck it away."

Ranma's eyes widened. "Please tell me those were not her exact words," he begged in a strained voice.

Akane replied by holding up a finger and saying: "Then she added that we couldn't just leave it here, so we'd just have to choke it down somehow." Ranma clamped his mouth shut with his hand while Akane exclaimed: "Oh my god! – Mother Ono and Shizuka were on the floor laughing, Nabiki spewed her beer across the room, and Ms. Hinako turned a bright red. Even the men were caught off guard. For a traditional woman, your mother has an interesting mind!" A single chuckle burst from Ranma at the assessment of his mom – and Akane's flustered expression. Akane went on though and said with another roll of her eyes: "Then there was the banana."

"What about the banana?" Ranma asked warily as his took he hand away from his mouth.

Akane answered: "After five of the strippers had done their routines and changed into leather pants with suspenders and bow ties – no shirts – we gave Kasumi gifts; mostly gag gifts, sex toys, and lingerie. Your mom had her own gift though – she gave Kasumi a meter plus long inflatable banana. Since my darling sister figures she's behind on one-upmanship points with your mother and wants to get even, Kasumi puts on her most empty-headed expression and asks what the banana is for. Your mom explains it's for when Tofu is out of town."

"Oh man, I can see where this is going," he said somewhere between a laugh and a groan.

"I don't think you're taking it far enough – we'll see," Akane warned. "Kasumi makes her face look even more blank, so Nodoka puts on an equally empty-headed expression and says that she obviously needs to explain the facts of life to Kasumi. We are all waiting to see who breaks down first. I'm expecting your mom will launch into a saccharine 'Bird & Bees' mock-lecture, but that's too simple. Nodoka runs into the kitchen and brings out a prepared tray of peaches and bananas, obviously anticipating Kasumi's question – doesn't look good for Kasumi. The peaches are halved, de-pitted, and have the stem removed so they have a nice indent in the center. The bananas have been peeled and cut in half, so we have two working ends, so to speak, from one banana. Nodoka calls up five women – Nabiki, Chie, and Kasumi's three school friends – and the five strippers who've already done their routines. Nodoka hands the banana halves to the women and the peach halves to the men. I see Kasumi twitch. Nodoka says she knows something's wrong and tries to figure it out. She asks Nabiki. Nabiki responds that she usually likes a bigger banana. The strippers do a bit more than twitch and try to hide their smirks. Nodoka acknowledges that a bigger banana is preferable, but that's not it. She eventually has the men and women switch fruits."

Ranma sucked in his cheeks to maintain control and Akane continued: "One of the strippers decides to play and breaks his banana half into two and eats one piece when your mom isn't looking. He complains that his banana is broken and he'd like a new one. She asks him if he's eaten the piece. He lies. She asks if he's sure he doesn't swing that way. He says that he prefers to eat peaches. Your mother pats his cheek, calls him a good boy, and says they will talk later. Nabiki is now on the ground holding her stomach with laughter. So is one of Kasumi's friends and two of the strippers. I have my head buried in my hands. Ranma, you know I'm a prude, but I'm losing it badly. Kasumi is holding on to the empty-headed expression – and the chair – for dear life. It really doesn't look good for her."

"Or me either," Ranma said while trying not to break into laughter.

Akane took in a deep breath and started again: "Your mom goes into the kitchen and comes back with a cutting board, a banana, and a meat cleaver. She puts the board on the table, puts the banana on the board without peeling it and gives a mighty swing. Thwack! Every guy in the room flinches. But she misses the mark and she's cut off only a quarter of the banana. She gives the quarter to the stripper, but he says he'd like a bigger piece. Nodoka responds wouldn't we all, but lets him have the bigger piece – sort of a repeat, but worth a few chuckles. I figure we are going to move on now, but your mother's not done. She notices that she left the peel on the piece. In a vacuous voice, she tells him he is uncircumcised. She hefts the meat cleaver and asks him if he'd like her to fix him. He says he's fine. She comments that an uncircumcised banana is harder to take care of – is he sure she doesn't want her to fix him? He says he'll take care of it. She says that he'd better care for it unlike the last piece, or she will fix him – she says this with a very direct look at him as she is holding the cleaver. The manager is now down for the count with laughter. So am I. Kasumi has officially lost it as well and has tears streaming out her eyes. Nodoka: 10, Kasumi: 0."

Akane looked at Ranma and saw that he also had tears in his eyes. She suppressed a grin and forced a prim look on her face. Then she added: "Nodoka figures it's time to get on with the lesson, so she tells the men to insert the banana into the depression in the peach and she shakes the cleaver at the men warning them that any unapproved interpretations will be dealt with promptly. Nabiki reacts by swapping the peach with her partner's banana and they promptly eat the fruit. The other four pairs follow suit. Nodoka puts on a school teacher's voice and comments that they are obviously advanced students, but she points at Kasumi sitting on the floor and says that they are not helping the poor child who obviously can't even sit in a chair properly. Nodoka: 15, Kasumi: 0."

Ranma is clearly behind on points at this moment too – he'd clamped down on the laughter, but the resulting tight grin is definitely showing.

Akane finishes by saying: "Nodoka gets down on the floor and hands Kasumi the last banana/peach set. Then she helps Kasumi insert the banana into the peach as if Kasumi is a pre-schooler. Considering Kasumi is nearly helpless with laughter, this is not a far reach. Kasumi does make one last valiant effort try to score consolation points as she brings the joined fruit to her mouth and sucks in the banana half, practically swallowing it whole. Then she inhales the peach. Is your mother satisfied to sit there surprised like a normal person? Not in a million years! Instead, she says: 'Good lord. Now I know why he's so keen to marry you if you are that limber.' Everyone is down for the count. Total and complete destruction. Nodoka: 20, Kasumi: 0."

Ranma was shaking now as he tried to be quiet. He was trying to be considerate. He knew Mousse and Tomo were upstairs sleeping. But it was obvious Akane was now trying to see how far she could push him. Akane leans forward and shakes him by the shoulder while saying mock-primly: "Oh! Oh! And she decided I needed a few shots too. At one point, the men lined up and did a 'Full Monty' strip dance. I spun around so not to look. So did Akari and Kasumi's friend Tamiko. Your mother grins at me and puts on that empty-headed expression again. I know I'm in trouble now. She advises me that I may not want to pass up this opportunity for comparison shopping – after all you are a shape-shifter and things are very fluid. It may be good for me to have goals for you. My mouth drops open."

Ranma placed his hands over his own mouth again at this point to keep it shut.

Akane went on: "I think she decided to have mercy on me because she leans over and whispers something to Akari. Akari told me later that it had something to do with how wide open my mouth was, but Akari refused to say anything more – she told me just to be glad that Nodoka did not announce the comment to the room."

"Oh god," Ranma mumbled into his hands.

Akane continued: "Anyway, Akari bursts out in laughter, turns bright red, and flees the room. I hear her laughing in the kitchen. Nodoka has just run off one of the most earthy people I know. I think Tamiko heard the comment because as soon as Nodoka looks at her, Tamiko announces that she needs more soda and walks very quickly to the kitchen. Your mother looks back at me and I can see it clearly in her eyes – that sparkle of mischief that's warning me: 'I love you, but run – now!' At this point, I do something very foolish: I decide that I will not back down from my mother-in-law." Akane puts a hand to her forehead dramatically and adds: "What the *hell* was I thinking?"

Akane took a deep breath and said: "Nodoka makes a show of looking up and down the line of men with that vacant expression. Then she remarks that she was glad her marriage was annulled because apparently she had been jipped! Even though I'm turned the other way, I start blushing furiously. However, the rest of the women start chuckling at something and Nabiki chimes in that I'm not quite as red as the strippers."

"Say what?" Ranma asked confused, his hands still in front of his mouth.

Akane went on: "Ranma, these guys were in their late twenties/early thirties and, somehow, your mother's comment and expression had apparently turned them all red – bright red! They were professional strippers and she made them feel self-conscious! Oh. my. god. Nodoka looks at me again and I see 'the final warning', but, like an idiot, I refuse to budge. So, she announces airily: 'Oh, that's nothing – watch...'"

"She turns her back to the strippers for a minute and adjusts her clothing. Then she shifts the kimono she's wearing off her shoulders and turns around again. She has one hand on her chest gathering the cloth of her kimono. As a result she is now showing a respectable bit of cleavage and bare shoulders. She also has this doe-eyed come-hither look in her eyes as she scans the men again." Akane stopped for a moment and shook her head in wonderment. "Ranma," Akane started again. "I know your mother is very pretty, but I never knew she could have been a model or an actress." Akane paused dramatically and said: "She triggered a certain male reaction with that look that stunned everyone looking at the men and embarrassed the men further. The men snapped out of it and immediately began scrambling for their clothes as the women are whistling and cheering. I'm in total shock; I can't even move. Nodoka mistakes that as a sign that I'm still in the game so she grabs me by one shoulder, nods at the men, and says: 'Oh my god, Akane! I really hope Ranma takes after my side of the family for your sake!'"

That was too much for Ranma – Akane had won. He rolled off the couch and on the floor and began roaring with laughter. After everything he'd been through in the last twenty-four hours, this revelation about his mom just pushed him over the edge. After he wound down, he looked at Akane partially sitting up on the couch watching him with a half-flustered/half-amused look and thought that she was the most gorgeous thing on the planet. He got up and kissed her soundly. "So what did you tell them?" he asked.

"What?"

"You didn't flee and Nabiki knows you've seen me naked," Ranma told her. "Your sister wouldn't let you dodge the comment. So, what did you tell them?" She whispered something that he didn't quite hear. "I'm sorry, I couldn't quite catch that?"

Akane blushed and said: "I said you were on par with these guys."

"So you did look," he teased.

"Just a quick look! I was a little dazed by your mom at the time! And you looked too!" she defended.

"That just proves we're human," he grinned. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me," he prompted.

"Deal," she replied. They kissed again.

"So what happened after that?" Ranma asked.

"Nodoka behaved herself – mostly – for a while, even though others took up the bride-teasing. I think she felt a little concerned and concentrated on me for a bit. She gave me a drink of coffee, a lot of honey, and some type of mellow wine all mixed together. I had my first drink and didn't even appreciate it. It didn't take me that long to regain my composure, but even after she was sure I wasn't scarred for life, she stayed with me for a while."

"So how did you end up here?" he asked.

"I wore out, and I missed you," she said. "I excused myself and left. Akari had already retired to the dojo to sleep. When I left, the men had also gone and so had some of the guests, but the rest were still laughing and chatting, including your mom. I was overloaded though. I needed out, and I had a key. I figured you'd wake me when you got in."

"Good guess. Did you get much sleep?"

"I dropped off about 3AM, so a few hours," she answered.

"How about we catch a couple of hours more and then go find folks?" he suggested.

Akane started to speak, but Nabiki came in from the kitchen and cut her off: "First have a little breakfast. Kasumi sent down some breakfast sandwiches."

"Oh, hello Nabiki," Akane said.

"It's set up on the kitchen table for you. I need to borrow the computer for a second. I can't use mine without waking Nodoka," the middle sister said.

"All right. Thanks," Ranma answered.

The two went in and sat down. Ranma was half way through his fourth when alarm bells started to go off in his head (he was tired after all – it had been a busy night). "Akane, I never heard Nabiki come in. Did she come down with you last night?"

Akane stopped eating as a nameless dread entered her soul. "She brought these sandwiches, which meant that she was at the house," Akane answered.

"But she entered the clinic without letting us know she was here first," he added.

"Which means that she poked around first," Akane finished.

"Mousse," they both said together.

"Oh man, she's on the computer!" Ranma exclaimed.

"Nabiki!" they yelled and ran into the main room again.

Nabiki looked like she was glowing and had a maniacal smile across her face. "Oh, this is too rare," she said. "He had one girl's number in his coat pocket, and another written on his forehead with little hearts around it. The number on his forehead links to a front company for a Kunoichi stronghold. Duck-boy scored big! Do you know how much money this story is worth? Do you know how many women are waiting for him to forget about that bitch?"

"Nabiki! Give him a little time!" Ranma pled.

"No, Ranma," she said gleefully. "He's wasted enough time with that whore. He obviously went through a very intense time last night. It shook him and woke him up, and I'm going to make sure he doesn't backslide. He's your brother. He's Tofu's brother. He eats at our table. He's family! I want him hale and whole. I'm going to show him what jackasses his former people are!" With that, she vanished. (1)

"Nabiki! Stop!" Akane cried. She fired off a Nova Blast to try and locate Nabiki, but Nabiki threw a flare down blinding them both (although Ranma had already been blinded by the Nova Blast). When their sight cleared, there was no trace of the sharp-eyed girl. (2)

"What the hell got into her?" Ranma asked.

"That was frightening," Akane agreed. "I've never seen her like that before except…"

"Except after Kasumi was kidnapped," Ranma finished. "She's changed over the last year. Money still means a lot, but family means more. She's added me, Tofu, Mom, Kin, and now Mousse."

"Oh my…" Akane just said.

Ranma and Akane were asleep on the couch when the house phone rang. Ranma picked up the phone and sleepily said "Ono residence."

"Ranma? It's Ojima. Is Tofu there? I have to talk to him!" the voice on the phone said.

"Inspector? Is everything all right?" Ranma asked concerned.

"Lad, I haven't had a date in nearly twenty years, and I now a have a date with a goddess! I need help!"

"O.K., I understand. Tofu's at the dojo. But keep in mind Ciren really likes you already, you don't have to impress her," Ranma advised.

"Thanks lad, but I still need to talk to Tofu. I'll talk to you later," Ojima said and hung up.

Ranma placed the phone back on its cradle and was just starting to hold Akane again, when Kasumi's phone rang in Akane's purse. Akane mumbled something sleepily. Ranma picked her purse up off the floor and held it for her. She fished out the phone and said: "Kasumi's phone – Akane speaking."

"AKANE? DID MOUSSE REALLY SLEEP WITH A KUNOICHI?!" the phone yelled. Ranma recognized Sayuri's voice.

"What?" Akane mumbled. She pulled herself together and tried to focus. "I think the story got a little muddled," she said.

"AND SHE TATTOOED HER PHONE NUMBER OF HIS FOREHEAD?!" Sayuri shouted.

"O.K. now I know the story got muddled," Akane said still trying to focus. "And stop shouting at me."

"And Ranma had to fight off a swarm of Kunoichi to rescue him?" Sayuri asked loudly.

"All right, now I know someone's making up stories," Ranma said without thinking. "Mousse needed no rescuing, he did just fine."

There was a shriek on the other end and Ranma realized that Sayuri heard him. "Oh lord…" Ranma muttered.

"So the rest is true! Oh god, I need to get a new dress! Why can't this be summer!" Sayuri shrieked.

"Sayuri, calm down!" Akane said a little more firmly. "This is still Mousse we are talking about – the quiet reserved guy."

"Bull! He's coming out of his shell! It's conga time! And don't you tell me to calm down. I'm not the one who beat up eight strippers with a baseball bat!" Sayuri said.

Ranma began to laugh. Akane thumped him repeatedly on his chest with the bottom of her fist. Considering who he was and that Akane wasn't putting *that* much force into her fist, the strikes were not really that effective, but he did stop laughing. "I did not beat them up!" Akane said loudly. "I only threatened a couple of them and none of them took me seriously – nor did they need to."

"Bullshit! I saw the picture of them all cowering before you! You're lucky the police are not after you!" Sayuri laughed.

"That was staged! Do you honestly think I'd want to be photographed if I just beat them all up?" Akane said while starting to get annoyed. Ranma began waving his hands upon hearing the trap, but it was too late.

"Ah ha! So, you willingly posed with eight strippers! It's true! I *knew* you were perverted just like the rest of us, little Miss Prude! Ranma is in such trouble," Sayuri said quickly. "Well, I have to go and get that dress, and maybe a push-up bra. Bye!" She hung up and Akane screamed in frustration.

Ranma was really trying not to laugh as Akane beat her fist rapidly against his chest during her scream, but he was failing miserably. "What does she need a push-up bra for?" he asked once Akane had regained control. "She's not that small."

Akane thumped his rib cage again a little harder – just enough to get his attention (Ranma gave a little 'omph' at the strike). "Don't go around judging my friends' chests!"

"Ah, what are you worried about?" he teased. "You know I'm a leg man and you do more than fine up top," he said as he pinched her bottom through the skirt.

She slapped his chest, but there was a smile hiding in her tight-lipped expression. The house phone rang again. "Hello, Ono residence," he said once more.

"Hello, Grandson," Cologne said. "Where's the slacker?"

Ranma closed his eyes and swept his mind through the house, and then looked at the clock. "He's in the shower, Cologne, but it's only quarter after eleven. He should be there on time."

"It's already too late – in more ways than one. And you'd better come with him. Get your darling bride while you're at it. Most of these people are her friends and will listen to her," she said sharply.

"Oh feck. There's a line of women standing outside the restaurant, isn't there?" he asked with resignation.

"The banner on the building isn't helping matters either! And learn to curse properly! You're going to need it over the next few weeks!" She hung up the phone then.

"Oh my," Akane sighed. "It's started already," she said resting her forehead against Ranma.

Kasumi's phone rang again. Akane looked at it with apprehension and picked it up. "Kasumi's …" she started.

"Akane? It's Nabiki. I need you to help me find our idiot father and bring him home. The parties last night finally made him realize that Kasumi is getting married. He went on a bender last night and now I don't know where he is."

"He's at the zoo. I'll meet you there," Akane said resignedly.

"Damn, should have thought of that, but I've been distracted. Bring a couple of stun guns please," Nabiki said.

The house phone went off. Ranma picked it up, but never got to say anything before Tofu's voice on the other end started: "Ranma, wake up Tomo and send him to me."

"Done, Doc. What's up?" he asked.

"Imia just called. The manager of the strippers just reported that the two men who escorted my mother home never reported in to pick up their paychecks, and that's very unlike them. I'm sure they are fine and with Mom, but I need Tomo to go retrieve them and her. I need to stay here, there's been a little fallout from last night," the Doc said.

"Only a little?" Ranma said. "I've got to go bail out Mousse."

"Yeah, well I literally need to go bail out one of the strippers from Kasumi's party last night and play some memory games. He went home with Hinako and …" Tofu started.

"STOP!" Ranma shouted. "I don't want to know! She's my friend, but she's also my high school teacher for a few more months!"

Tofu chuckled: "I think your imagination is making things worse than they really are."

"I still don't want to know," Ranma insisted. "I'll get Tomo moving."

"Thanks, Bro," Tofu said, glad for the support.

"By the way, call Ojima when you get a chance," Ranma said. "He's got first date jitters."

"Oh, thank god," Tofu breathed. "A normal problem!"

"I hear you," Ranma echoed.

He hung up the phone at the same time Akane did. "Your mom just called me," Akane said. "She asked me to bring up some aspirin and some coffee – Nabiki finished the last of it before she left the house. I think your mom is feeling a little delicate this morning, but she didn't sound unhappy."

"Again, thank god for a normal problem," he said. Akane slid over him and stood up. He followed her. "All right. I have to hurry Mousse along, get Tomo moving, get cleaned up, and get to the restaurant," he listed off.

"All right," she replied. "I have to grab the coffee and the pills, go home, get cleaned up, get to the zoo, and bring Daddy home. I'll meet you at the restaurant after that as soon as I can." He went to get the aspirin and she went to retrieve the coffee.

As he handed her the pills, he warned her: "You know – it's only going to get crazier as Kasumi's wedding approaches."

She set down her items on a table, put her arms around his neck, and then gave him a very serious kiss. When she broke the kiss (there was no way he was stopping it), she looked at him through her eyelashes and said: "Yet, life has its pleasures." She put a hand to his chest, walked her fingers up to his chin, and tapped his nose. "By the way, Ranma," she said, paused, and went on. "While I am not ready to remove all the boundaries yet, I was very serious yesterday morning when I said we should discuss moving them a bit." She turned and picked up the coffee and aspirin again. Then she grabbed her coat and walked to the door swaying her hips. As she went, she looked coyly back over her shoulder at the stunned young man and finished with: "Just something for you to look forward to tonight as you deal with the day." With that, she walked out the door. She was a block away from the clinic when her face broke out into a grin as she heard Ranma's victory yell echo through the neighborhood.

A/N: Footnotes:

(1) In "The Destruction of Ranma Saotome - Combustion" we learned that Nabiki has her own cloaking technique like the Umisen-ken. We learned where she got it from in "Her Mother's Daughter".

(2) The Nova Blast is a technique Akane developed and taught to the others. It's a brilliant blast of light that temporarily blinds anyone looking at it but the caster. It also reveals objects or people objects hidden by magic or techniques (like the Umisen-ken).

A/N: And so ends another story...There will be two epilogues to this story released on or before next Tuesday. Then I'm taking a short break to finish the next story.