You guys are so utterly fantastic, I'm going ahead and posting tonight since I got off work early! I'll try to post again later in the week, so this should tide you over for awhile. It's a long one coming up and some dark stuff, so just be warned!
I'm glad everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding! I'm excited to see what everyone thinks. It's definitely my favorite chapter(s) I have written thus far (I know I've said that a bunch, lol) but I truly loved every second of writing it.
Anyway, not quite yet, dear readers! Almost there ;) until then, continue to enjoy!
XOXO
After Peeta's birthday, we settle back into our regular routines. It's starting to get cold again and I'm hunting for the orphanages as much as I can. Peeta's bakery is doing tremendously and he even had a Capitol reporter asking him if he could interview Peeta about the bakery. I didn't go anywhere near the bakery that day, wanting the reporter to steer clear of all talk of the 'star-crossed lovers' and focus on what was important. I've told Peeta that I know his family would be so proud of him for all that he has done.
As we get into the colder months, the reconstruction of Panem continues. Paylor has called us twice, asking us how we are doing and if there is anything that she can do for us. I guess I should be grateful that the president of Panem is calling to check up on us but I'm not. Panem owes us a lot more than a few phone calls. But I keep my opinions to myself. Peeta expresses his gratitude when she calls.
Our calls with Aurelius continue and Peeta's flashbacks are fewer these days. He has definitely learned how to predict when one is coming on and sometimes asks me to tie him to a chair until it is passed. If I'm not around, I return home to find him handcuffed to the table and sighing, I quickly find the key to release him. He holds me close and whispers he loves me and I assure him I love him too. It's the only way to go on, I decide, just to assure each other of our love for one another.
We still haven't set a date for the wedding yet and I know Effie is getting anxious. Peeta tries to pretend that it doesn't bother him but I know he wants to set a date too. I just get anxious every time plans are brought up and we move on to talking about something else. Finally, at the end of October, I bring it up while we are sitting together on the couch.
"How's November 17th for the wedding?" he nearly drops the paper he is reading and he stares at me.
"What?"
"We should set a date. October is nearly over. And I don't want to wait much longer. How does November 17th sound?"
"The 17th…sounds good," he says uncertainly. "Why that day?" I shrug.
"I've just been doing some research. That is World Peace Day, you know. I think it's…appropriate. The world is at peace when I'm with you. I think it'll be a good day." Peeta smiles.
"The 17th it is then. You know it will be cold. I didn't think you'd want to be a winter bride."
"I don't really care, I'm sure you'll warm me up right after the toasting anyway." He flushes and I see his eyes darken, as they usually do when I say something that turns him on. He folds the paper and reaches for me.
"I'm feeling really chilly all of a sudden. Come here and warm me up." I giggle as I straddle his lap and grind against him, letting him know I know exactly what I am doing to him. He groans and leans in close.
"Katniss," he breathes against my lips. "I can't believe we are talking about our wedding. For real."
"I can't wait to see how handsome you look in your suit."
"You'll still wear white. We'll just pretend," he grins as I hit him and he tugs me in for a kiss.
"Not so pure anymore, are you?"
"You know I hate that word," I grumble and he kisses the corner of my mouth.
"I know." He glances at the clock and puts the paper on the table.
"We will call everyone tomorrow and let them know we've decided a date. We should probably get to bed soon, though."
"I thought I was supposed to warm you up," I say slyly and he narrows his eyes. I smirk at him and jump out of his way as he makes to grab me. I love this chase game we play. I always run from him and quite like how he throws me onto the bed and has his way with me, as my 'punishment'. The way he takes control and slams into me makes me come undone in seconds.
Turns out that even with Effie's help, planning a wedding is exhausting and hard on both the bride and the groom. Somehow, word has gotten out and Cressida has called to warn me that camera crews are going to try to come to the wedding. Panem wants to see us again and I want to cry at being in the spotlight again.
I have almost cancelled it twice and Peeta looks like he wants to cry. I always change my mind when I see him again but we're so tired and he has the bakery to deal with, as an extra weight on his shoulders. The amount of cake orders he has had lately is astounding. He comes home with slumped shoulders and I massage the tension out of his back before we fall into bed. What bothers me the most is how far we sleep apart. I no longer wake to find myself burrowed in his arms. He's usually gone before I wake up and I go hunting alone, to return home to cook dinner by myself and wait until he gets home. He assures me it won't be like this much longer. His employees are all sick right now and he is having trouble keeping up. I sigh and tell him it's fine but the truth is, I miss him. We haven't made love in weeks. And as we are approaching the wedding, he is having flashbacks again, as he did when the bakery was about to open. It makes me nervous and I still want to call off the wedding. Or at least postpone it. If it's doing this to him, why does he want to be married to me?
Another thing is the guest list. I go back and forth whether I want to invite Gale. I finally call him but he doesn't answer. I invite Hazelle and the rest of her family and ask her, if she speaks to Gale, to invite him as well. She promises me she will and when I tell Peeta I invited him, he falls silent.
No surprise that after all of the stress and sleepless nights, we both get sick. We're both terrible patients and snap at each other constantly. He has to shut himself in his studio and I stay in bed. After two days of my mother's healing tea, we are back on our feet and I scold him for wearing himself too thin. Of course he gets angry and says that me going hunting every morning isn't helping either.
We part ways without speaking.
And our wedding is in a week. How is this going to work?
Haymitch even notices, which is shocking because he's drunker than normal these days. I wonder if the alcohol helps keep away sickness. He hasn't gotten sick like the rest of us.
"What have you done now, sweetheart," he calls to me one afternoon as I come home with my kill.
"What makes you think I've done something?"
"Because it's more likely than being the kid's fault. You're getting married next week you know."
"Yes, thanks for the update Haymitch, I am fully aware we have a week left." He snorts.
"Sounds like it needs to be pushed off. What's going through your head girl?"
"Nothing. Just leave me alone," I snap.
"Gladly. Don't know how he puts up with you," he says as I slam the door closed. I feel my heart sink. Yeah that one hurts. I don't either, Haymitch. I have been terribly moody and surly and I miss my boy with the bread. I decide to try to make amends. I start getting dinner ready and make everything look nice. I light candles and clean up the place and wait for Peeta to get home.
Two hours past closing time, I call the bakery to find out where he is. He apologizes and says he has to catch up on orders before he can leave. I yell at him that he should just sleep there and he yells at me that maybe he will. I hang up the phone and cry myself to sleep. I don't even notice when he comes to bed.
I toss and turn all night long. Finally I can't stand it. I throw the covers back and pad into the bathroom. I light a candle and turn the shower on. Hanging my robe on the hook, I climb into the shower and stand under the scalding water for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. I'm so lost in my mind that I don't hear him pull the shower curtain back and climb in with me. I feel his rough baker hands on my breasts and I suck in a breath as his fingers tweak both my nipples. His lips make contact with the skin on my neck and I close my eyes, leaning my head back against his chest.
It's been too damn long.
He pushes me against the wall and my cheek is pressed to the cold tile. He knees my legs apart and shoves a hand between my thighs. I'm startled by how rough he is and I gasp as he makes fast hard circles instead of trying to warm me into it. He grabs a bunch of my hair and yanks and I let out a little gasp of surprise.
"You like it when I do this, Katniss?" His voice is deep and husky but there is a sharp edge to it that I haven't heard in quite awhile. It makes my eyes shoot open. I whimper as he continues to flick at my clit and he plunges three fingers into me without warning. I cry out, not ready at all and my fingers claw at the wall.
"Peeta, please."
"Please what? Please fuck you like he did?"
What?! I try to turn to look at him but he is pressing me into the wall and I can't move.
"Peeta, what are you-"
"I can smell him all over you," he growls in my ear. "You've been meeting him in the woods, haven't you?"
Oh god. He can't mean…
"Peeta! Please listen to me. I'm not-"
"Don't lie to me! You reek of sex. Do you let him do this to you?" He thrusts his fingers in and out viciously and I can't fight my body's reactions. As he presses against my clit, I cry out and he lets out an appreciative grunt. He's inside me before I can process anything and I arch my back as he tugs on my hair.
"Or this? You let him fuck you against a tree?"
"Peeta," I gasp out. "I haven't been with anyone but you! You're the only one…oh god!" He is taking me hard and fast and I can feel myself careening towards another orgasm already. I hate my traitorous body. I squirm against him but he slams into me, bruising my thighs. His fingers are digging into my arms and hips. He reaches down and flicks my clit and I cry out his name as I release. He pulls out and I feel him slide up and down between my cheeks. He reaches down and spreads me wide and I jerk forward as I feel him at my other entrance.
"Peeta," I whimper.
"I bet you let him fuck you in the ass," he growls against my neck. "You're a dirty whore, aren't you? You don't say no to him, do you?" He pushes and I feel tension. I shake my head violently, trying to squirm away from him.
"Peeta, don't!"
"You mean you don't like this? I thought you would like this, you little slut. You want me to slide my cock into your ass, Everdeen? You want me to fuck your tight little hole, right before I fuck your tight little pussy?"
"Peeta, stop it!" I rear back against him and knock him in the chin. He grunts and I rip the curtain back and jump out without turning the water off. I only had a brief look at his eyes but they are as dark as night and I am terrified.
"Katniss!" He yells at me but I run away. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'll do if he comes after me, but I have to get away from him.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I rock back and forth under the kitchen table. I'm cold, naked, and wet and the tile floor is freezing. But I don't say a word. I listen intently to hear if he is coming after me.
I must have fallen asleep under the table because when I feel hands on my arms, I wake up in a panic.
"No! No!" I flail around and try to fight them off but they hold on and pull.
"Katniss! Katniss, it's ok, it's me," I hear his voice and it's lost the rough edge it had earlier. "I'm back."
I look up and see him on his knees beside the table, his eyes back to brilliant blue and full of tears. I crawl out from under the table and into his lap and he holds me to his chest, our bodies shaking from our sobbing. He strokes my hair and mutters his apologies over and over in my ear. His kisses are soft and tender, decorating my hair and my forehead and my cheeks and my nose. He never gets close to my mouth. Tears streak his fair cheeks as he shakes his head in disbelief.
"I am so sorry," he whispers. I kiss his forehead and hold him close, allowing him to cry. We both sit there, crying for what seems like hours. When we finally seem to stop, he pulls away and notices me shivering.
"Let's get you dressed." He stands and helps me up, his arm around my bare waist. He drapes a blanket around my shoulders and leads me up the stairs. He helps me dress, as I pull on a pair of panties and he helps me into a long cotton nightgown. We don't say a word as he pulls back the blankets and I climb in. I look at him expectantly as he stands beside the bed.
"Aren't you-"
"I shouldn't. I shouldn't be near you, Katniss. I- I can't believe I…I wanted to… I almost hurt you. Again." I grab his hand before he can protest and tug him forward.
"Get into bed. Now." He stares at me and finally obeys. He distances himself but I'm not having it. I lay my head in his arm and drape my arm over his chest. I can feel his heart racing in his chest.
"You didn't hurt me."
"I said such awful things to you," he whispers through his tears. "I almost…I could have-"
"It wasn't you. I know that. You didn't hurt me."
"Katniss-"
"No! You didn't hurt me." He sighs and I nuzzle closer. Finally, he brings up a tentative hand and strokes my hair.
"I'm sorry. I didn't…mean any of it."
"Then why did you say it?" I prop myself up and look down at him. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head.
"Peeta," I say gently. "Do you really think-?"
"No," he says sharply. "No, I-…I don't think that. Anymore." He takes a deep breath and looks up at me, his blue eyes full of tears.
"They used videos as part of my torture," he finally says in a pained voice. "After the beatings and the knives and the shocks…they forced me to watch hours of videos of you and Gale. I didn't know what was real and wasn't anymore. I just watched you with him. After awhile, they convinced me that you had slept with both of us. I honestly believed we had done things on the train. And they showed me videos to prove it. My eyes were held open by force to see you writhing on the bed underneath me. And then Gale taking you up against a tree. I know in my heart that you have only ever been with me. But my hijacked brain tries to tell me otherwise and I just…lost control. Mutt Peeta took over and I…I couldn't save you from myself." I lean down to kiss him and he seems reluctant to return my kisses. But I don't break them and eventually, he responds. I hate the Capitol. I despise Snow. He deserved so much more than the quick death he got. My Peeta is forever changed and corrupted. He will never escape this darkness completely. He sobs while I pull him into my arms and I gently rock him back and forth. I tell him not real. I tell him I love him. He falls asleep to my caresses and my soft singing.
When we wake up, I gently ask him to call into work so we can spend the day together. He agrees and hurries off to the study to call them. When he returns, he climbs back into bed and pulls me toward him. His cheeks are still wet with tears.
"I'm so sorry, Katniss," he whispers. "I don't know what's happened between us these past few weeks…I wanted to stop it but I've just been, you know, so bogged down with work and everything-"
"I know," I stop him. "I'm sorry too. I should have been more understanding and more patient. I should have been there to help you. These have been the worst weeks of my life, Peeta. I can't stand it when we aren't talking."
"Tell me when you're irritated, love," he says softly, kissing my cheek. "Before it blows up into a huge mess."
"You tell me when you're feeling something," I insist. "You have to tell me when you're feeling neglected or you don't trust me about something-"
"Katniss, I trust you with my life. It's just the venom. It's still not completely out of my system," he says miserably. "The doctors tried to get most of it but there's some left and what they did to me…" he takes a deep breath and I try not to cry at how pained he looks. "It takes everything I have to conquer that. And it's your love that helps me defeat it but when I feel like you know, you're upset with me, it gets harder to remind myself of how much you love me."
"Peeta," I take his face in my hands and gaze into his eyes. "I will never stop loving you. You have to know that." His hand covers mine and he kisses my palm.
"I know," he says quietly. "Can you forgive me?"
"I told you, there's nothing to forgive. Let's just spend the day loving each other." He smiles weakly.
"Sounds like the perfect plan." Nodding, I surge forward and kiss him with all of the pent up frustration I have. He moans at the intensity of our kiss and I wrap my fingers around his curls. His hands hover in the air uncertainly, as if it is our first time being intimate.
"Peeta," I whine against his lips. "Touch me. Please."
"K-Katniss," he stammers and I take matters in my own hands. I bring his hands to my breasts and he groans. I feel his fingers slide down and underneath the cotton gown and he pulls it over my head. I grasp his head and bring it down to my chest so he will take the hint. Luckily he does and I feel his tongue on my nipple. I let out a low moan and a squeak when his teeth gently rake across my sensitive skin. He leans back and I see his eyes soften and his smile fade. I frown, wondering what caused his mood to change suddenly and he gently traces a pattern across my arm. Without looking I know he is seeing bruises from his fingerprints.
"Katniss," he moans and he shakes his head. I wrap my arms around his neck and move to straddle his lap. He groans as I grind against him and the angle I'm at causes the perfect friction for us. His hardening length is hitting my clit just right and I know my panties are soaked through already. He lowers his head and takes my breast into his mouth again and I reach down and pull the waistband of his pajama pants back. I move back and pull them down his legs and his head falls back on the pillow as I take him in my hand. I waste no time in lowering my mouth to him and my tongue travels all over his shaft before I take him completely into my mouth. He tries to lean up on his elbows to watch me-I know he loves to watch me do this and I love the power I feel when I look up into his eyes and watch him come undone. I didn't think I would like doing this so much but watching him writhe and shake underneath me makes me feel even more like the girl on fire. He reaches down and gathers my hair in his hands so he can thrust and I feel him hit the back of my throat. I try not to gag as I take all of him in and he lets out a strangled cry. I feel him tense up and he tries to sit up and warn me but I continue to suck until I have sucked him dry. I swallow all I can and I wipe at my lips, seeing that he is watching me with wide eyes.
"Come here," he says softly as he pulls me forward and he pulls my soaked panties off and tosses them aside. He closes his eyes and his fingers make gentle patterns on my thighs.
"I can smell you," he says softly. "Fuck you drive me crazy, Katniss. I always want you. Every minute of every day. I'm always thinking of you, always wanting to be by your side. Always thinking of being inside you."
I let out an embarrassing moan at his words and just as he is about put his mouth on me, I stop him.
"I only want you," I tell him before I slide on top of him and grip his shoulders to help me adjust. His shaking hands hold my hips and he groans as I rise up a little and fall back down. We find our rhythm and it is glorious. But I know I won't reach my peak like this and I think he knows it too. He flips us over so that my legs are in the air and he drapes them over his shoulders while he thrusts into me. He pushes my knees back so far I fear they may hit me in the face. Peeta's beautiful face scrunches up as he starts to pant heavily. His thumb moves in circles on my clit and his thrusts bring me to completion. He waits a moment before he continues to thrust, harder this time. I lean up on my elbows and our eyes meet.
"You're mine, Peeta," I say in a low voice and his eyes darken. "You're mine and no one else's."
"Fuck, Katniss!" His thrusts become uncoordinated and his hips are slamming into mine as he races to his peak. When I feel his warmth spill inside me, he slumps forward and I curl my hands around him, holding him to my chest. He tries to move but I hold him there, loving the feel of our bodies melded together like this. He looks up at me and gives me a warm smile, which makes my heart glow.
"I love you," he says softly. I pull him up for a kiss and stroke his curls.
"I love you too."
"Thank you for reminding me."
"Of what?" His smile broadens.
"Just how much I love you."
We're a week away from the wedding and I am shocked it took me so long to realize, I don't have a dress!
Peeta and I were lying on the couch last night and he casually mentioned all the gowns I had to try on for our Capitol-planned wedding when I sat up, wide-eyed. He followed me and looked worried.
"What is it?"
"Peeta…I don't have a dress!" To my surprise, he chuckled.
"I'm pretty sure Effie will have taken care of that for you, sweetheart."
So while Peeta is at the bakery, I go up to the study and dial Effie's number.
"Oh Katniss, it's so good to hear from you! How are you doing dear? Ready for the big day?"
"Not really," I mumble. "Effie…I don't really have a dress."
"Katniss! That's usually the first thing brides think of! Goodness me, what should we…well, let me make a few phone calls. I will phone you back in just a few minutes. And please, dear, answer the phone this time." I smile as I hang up. I know I just shocked her more than I usually do. After all, I'm not a typical bride.
When she calls back, she gives me instructions. She tells me to go into my basement (I don't think I have ever been down there) and put in the combination that she gives me to get into the cabinet down there. I reluctantly go back to my house and briefly wonder if I should wait for Peeta. I have a feeling I know what I will find down there but I'm not 100% sure. The way Effie's voice softened, though, makes me pretty certain.
I nervously stand in front of the cabinet and take a deep breath. When I open the door, tears rush to my eyes at the familiar presence that wraps around me.
Cinna.
There is a note taped to the inside of the door and I pull it down.
Katniss,
If you're reading this, it means the Mockingjay defeated the Capitol and Panem is free.
It also means that I am dead.
Do not despair, my sweet girl on fire. I give my life to this cause and know it will all be worth it in the end.
A world where you can be truly happy and can grow into the beautiful young woman I know you will be.
I gave Plutarch and Effie strict orders not to give you the code, unless you decided on your own to marry. And I know when you finally do decide, it will be no one but Peeta Mellark. You have been burning for each other since the moment I met you.
Portia and I designed these after I designed your "fake collection" as I call them. I know this is the real thing because when you do marry him, it will be your decision and no one else's. I hope you both like them and wear them with pride. I couldn't do traditional white because you are anything but traditional.
I wish you both the very best and wish I could see how beautiful you will be on your wedding day. But wear these and I will be with you.
Give my best to Peeta and remember, cherish every moment you are given.
I'm still betting on you, girl on fire.
All my love,
Cinna
I fall to my knees and sob for my friend. The note wrinkles in my fist and I hastily smooth it out. When I have finally cried all my tears, I reach to the back of the cabinet and pull out two hangers.
My jaw drops at the sheer perfection in my hands. Cinna designed these with us in mind. They are perfect and I can't imagine getting married in anything else. I decide to leave mine down here and I take the suit back to our room and hang it up in Peeta's closet. I put the note from Cinna on the bedside table and curl up on the bed, weeping into a pillow. So many people I wish could be here for my wedding.
Prim. Cinna. Finnick. Rue. My father. So many people I want there.
What would I have done if I was marrying someone else? No. Cinna knows me well. He already knew I was in love with Peeta. Seems like everyone knew but me. When Peeta comes home, I pull him to me and kiss him deeply. I inhale the scent of fresh bread and cinnamon and he looks dazed as he pushes my hair out of my eyes.
"Not that I'm complaining but what was that for?"
"You always knew, didn't you? That I really loved you?" He smiles as he strokes my cheek.
"I think in my heart I always knew. But I had to wait for you to figure it out yourself. And it was so worth the wait." I reach over and grasp Cinna's note and hand it to him to read. He does and he looks up at me, his eyes wide.
"Did you find-?" I nod.
"Yours is in the closet. You don't get to see mine this time. I know you were watching that stupid show Caesar hosted with all the gowns." He grins.
"You looked perfect in every single one of them." He sits beside me and squeezes my hand.
"I wish you had waited for me, though. Are you…ok?"
"I'm ok. I just can't wait to be married to you." He flushes and grins broadly.
"Not much longer," he says as he kisses me. He gets up and goes to the closet and I hear him suck in a breath. I go to him and wrap my arms around his waist and his hands cover mine.
"It's…"
"Perfect," I finish. He nods, still staring at it.
"Portia helped him," I say quietly and he glances at me over his shoulder. He hasn't spoken of Portia but I know her execution hit him pretty hard. His entire prep team had been executed in front of him. He turns to me and has tears in his eyes but he smiles.
"Come on, let's go get started on dinner."