A Heart Freely Given

8 First Fall, 9:38 Dragon

Yesterday, after seeing him in the morning, I avoided Alistair for the rest of the day. Being around him was so upsetting, it was like a physical pain. I spent the night in Lily's room, again. Now I can at least think more clearly.

Was fighting the Arishok as dangerous as trying to assassinate a powerful Tevinter Magister? I know Ali was scared when I fought the Arishok and he was mad at me, but realized it was his fear driving the anger, and the fear came from his underestimating my fighting skills.

But really, are his fighting skills and his templar abilities the issue? No. Especially as it isn't just him: he has Varric and Zevran. They will protect him if they can. I know they will.

What is really bothering me is that he never talked to me before saying yes. I keep thinking back to when I fought the Arishok: I had no time to consult with him.

Ali, however, did have the time. He could have come home first. But he didn't. When he told me that we were partners in all things, he was repeating part of our marriage vows. He broke that vow when he said yes to the King and Queen without so much as a 'hey you' to me.

It feels like I didn't matter, like "we" didn't matter. He broke a vow to me, and that is was hurts so damn much.

Andraste guide me, help me find my way back to Alistair.

8 First Fall
9:38

Yesterday, Marnie avoided me like I carried the Blight. That night, as she did the night before, she slept in Lily's room.

Thankfully, Elaina and Seanna have been keeping Cricket and Siobhan busy. They know that Marnie and I need time to sort through this.

But will we be able to?

She's right, I could have come home and talked with her before giving my answer.

Why didn't I?

Because I knew she would be against the idea (honestly if the shoes were reversed, I would be against it too) and I didn't want to be talked out of it.

Can Varric, Zevran, and I succeed? I believe so, but Marnie doesn't. Why doesn't she? She should have confidence in my abilities, as well and Zev's and Varric's!

~oOOo~

Alistair put the journal down and looked at Marnie. "We were certainly at cross-purposes weren't we?"

Marnie sighed. "Indeed we were."

Alistair shook his head ruefully. "We got into quite a yelling match that night. Fortunately, we were not in earshot of anyone"

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..

My hands were wet and soapy as I washed the dinner dishes. That's when Ali placed a note next to me and whispered "Please," as he walked away.

I quickly finished up and read the note. It was a map. A familiar map, a map to where we spent our wedding anniversary. I grabbed my warm cloak and was going to tell Cricket and Siobhan, but Elaina just shooed me out the door.

When I got to our campsite, Alistair had already built a fire. He was sitting on a log next to it when he saw me. His face looked as emotionless as I felt. He patted the space next to him on the log, but I sat down on the ground instead.

"Damn it, Marnie, you are not going to lose me!"

I crossed my arms and said snidely, "Then I'll rejoice when you return."

"Maker's sake. Stop this! You can't treat me like I'm already dead!"

"Why not? Did you not essentially do the same thing when you agreed to go to Tevinter? I might as well have been dead for all the consideration you gave me!"

"Is that what this is all about? You're behaving like this because I didn't talk to you first?"

I stood up, furious. "How dare you sound so dismissive! Do I have to remind you that when we married we vowed to honor each other and be partners in all things?"

Alistair blinked in surprise, then sighed. "Marnie, love, I'm sorry I didn't-"

I held up my hand. "No! 'I'm sorry' doesn't cut it. How can I trust that you'll never do something like this again?"

Alistair stood up facing me, his voice contrite. "Because I'm swearing to you that I won't."

"Don't you dare, Alistair! Don't swear a vow you cannot keep."

"Cannot keep? So now you doubt my word as well as my abilities?" He threw up his hands. "Wonderful! I can't win, can I? I am sorry to be such a disappointment as a husband, Madam!" Alistair turned away, then looked over his shoulder at me. "Perhaps you should find someone more biddable."

I couldn't believe that he was walking away. My heart was breaking, but I tried to hide it. "Perhaps you, messere, should find someone who doesn't expect you to keep pesky vows...Someone...who doesn't love you enough to be hurt when they're broken."

Alistair stopped but didn't turn around.

"I gave you my heart when I married you…Even if you leave, I will never ask for its return." I looked back at the fire and was about to sit down when Alistair was suddenly there, pulling me into a tight embrace. His lips collided with mine in a kiss that tore down all the walls we had put up around ourselves. I clung to him like my life depended on it.

When he pulled away, he looked at me, his eyes glistening with tears. "I am so sorry I didn't talk to you first. I should have. I can't promise you would have changed my mind, but that wasn't the point, was it? The point was showing you the love and respect you deserve."

"I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have been such a shrew when you told me. At first, I was shocked and so scared of losing you. Once the fear ebbed, I got so tied up in your not talking to me first, that I pushed you into thinking you were a disappointment. You could never be a disappointment, Alistair. You will always be the honorable, kind, wonderful man I married."

He brushed a tear from my cheek. "And I will spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I love you and treasure you."

Kissing, Ali and I laid down near the fire.

~oOOo~

Putting the journals back in the box, Marnie looked thoughtful. "For a while afterward, I wished that fight had never happened, but…"

"It brought us even closer together." Alistair pulled her into his arms, then kissed her.

Marnie pulled away and grinned slyly.

"What?"

"I found dirt in the oddest places when I bathed the following morning."

Alistair chuckled. "There was no way a lack of a bedroll was going to stop us."