Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I also do not own Anko, which is a pity because she's sooooo cute. And bloodthirsty, but what did you expect?

Chapter 17

It was just after Christmas that Hinata-chan, Yomogi-san's daughter, was born. She was like a delayed Christmas present, the best I could have asked for. They even let me visit her! I didn't get touching privileges, for obvious reasons, but I got to hear her make gurgling noises at me. Oh, you little cutie you…

Five days later, on the New Year, I was visited by Hyūga Shoku-sensei, Hinata's great grandmother. It seems that she was the teacher Jiraiya (I refused to call him "sama". He was way too goofy for that) had promised me.

"Well, so you're a kid. Great. That's all I needed, another brat in my life." Who asked, "what if Kakashi was a Hyūga obaa-san", and why did I get the answer? Wait. I know this voice…

"Weren't you cooing at Hinata-chan the other day?"

"This and that are different subjects."

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"Ehem. Am I right to assume you have basic combat, targeting and evasion training?" I nodded, proudly. I learned from the best!

She sighed.

"I had figured. Well, that makes this this harder." What? "Here's one thing you must learn, kid: o one in this village will try to make things accessible for a handicapped shinobi. A lot of that training, especially the versions used by Hyūga and Uchiha, depends on superior dynamic vision. Something we both lack. So right now, rather than just teach you how to do it, I'll have to break you out of a bunch of ingrained habits."

I recalled the promise yesterday.

"Bring it on!"

"Most shinobi can use their eyes, so that style you've learned works for them, but you will need to sharpen your hearing, smelling, and your ability to sense air currents on your skin." Every time, I get surprised at what people in this world can do with their bodies. Truly the setting of a Shōnen. "For now, in the interest of breaking your bad habits, let's see you dodge some of this!"

For the rest of the day, she threw blunted kunai at me, while I tried desperately to dodge. I was supposed to attack back, but as of now I had my hands full just trying to reduce the number of bruises I would have tomorrow. As Shoku-sensei had said, I found myself tripping over myself as my instincts were completely out of whack. At least one good thing came from my previous training, though. I can go all day!

I was pretty tired after all that, but that did nothing to deter Anko from dragging me around the village. She had found a new dango shop, way out in the civilian quarter, and said she just couldn't go there without "her dango buddy".

From the sounds it made traveling down the street, it was a small, wooden cart, which wandered around the neighborhood. Anko had memorized its route, which did not surprise me at all. What did surprise me, in a touching way, was that this was the first time she actually bought any. She'd tailed the unsuspecting vendor for days, resisting the temptation, just so she could be sure to come with me whenever I broke out of my reverie. For Anko, that was surely a herculean effort.

The dango were delicious. As expected of our resident dango maniac! I need to bring Itachi-nii here one of these days. I hadn't seen him since the tragedy, which made me a bit sad. I knew he must have been kept from visiting by his duties as heir, but it still hurt. To make things worse, the clan had also yet to let me visit my newest brother. Okaa-sama, Otou-sama, am I really such a shame that I can't be allowed to drop by?

A dango stick poked my cheek.

"Stop with the glum face, shortie! It's disrespectful to the dango!"

We were eating atop some poor sod's roof–Anko said dangling one's feet over the edge was "part of the experience". How so, I had no idea, but who was I to question the expert? At least in the civilian quarter we won't have as many shinobi complaining we're blocking the roofways.

There would be some, though. "Civilian Quarter" was actually something of a misnomer, as there was no region of the city devoid of shinobi; that would be strategically stupid. It was just the sector farther from the Great Clans' original compounds, ANBU Headquarters, and thus the heaviest shinobi traffic.

It was also where the Uchiha Compound had been relocated after the tragedy, in a very clear dick move from the administration. Why they'd choose to send the Uchiha away like this was a mystery to me, and it was sure to anger our elders–I could still hear Otou-sama extolling the accomplishments of our ancestors, pointing at where this or that famous Uchiha had lived-

"You're looking glum again!"

Anko pinched my cheeks, and I yelped in pain.

"Stob! Stob id hurds!"

"Then give me a smile! You're too short and too full of dango to be glum!"

It was, of course, impossible to smile with my cheeks in her cruel, cruel grip, so I settled for attempting to tickle her. That wasn't the best tactic; I almost fell off the roof, and Anko had to pull me back. Long story short, we ended sprawled on the rooftop, with me on top of her. And an angry homeowner shouting at us.

I haven't laughed so hard in months, though.

The next day, Shoku-sensei introduced another activity: active sensing. If a sensor type was a sensitive antenna, detecting signatures from far away, this was supposed to be a radar. Sensing one's own chakra was something every shinobi could do, so the idea was that, by expanding it outside of the body, one could determine the positions of things.

It came with a set of problems: first, it was not a stealthy skill; any sensor within at least two miles would immediately notice it. And if from what I'd learned in my studies on shinobi tactics, that was a major impairment for a lot of high-rank missions. We were shinobi, after all; the need for furtive movement came with the territory.

Second, it drained chakra during use, which is never optimal for prolonged battle. This wasn't as big a problem as the first one, given how little use my chakra did have, and the fact that I actually had quite a large pool of it, for my age. It's like having a check for a zillion dollars, from the Bank of Nowhere-land. Hurraaaaay.

Third, it required channeling chakra outside, the exact opposite of what I've been training to do my whole life. This was even worse, in terms of habits, than my dodge practice problem. Sure, Okaa-sama's and Guy-san's training did leave me accustomed to rely on sight for my reflexes, but at least it was dodging practice. This, on the other hand, was very much like trying to throw myself into the thrown weapons' trajectory. It went against every instinct I had.

Sure, I could channel it outside through my hands–I had done as much during my sessions with Yomogi-san–but to maintain a steady stream throughout the whole body was something normal (that is, non-Hyūga. Freaking cheaters!) genin struggled with, and would likely remain outside my reach for years to come.

"More's the reason to start now, then. If you just wait, you'll be a grandmother before you notice." Is that humor I detect from my dear sensei? Why, I had not expected it! And so I meditated away, stimulated by a very demanding old lady.

"'Going by the widely available data', comma, 'we should expect that', comma 'at the saturation point of two wind type shinobi per fire type shinobi', comma, 'which we deduced above', comma, 'a maximum gain of 250% in power can be achieved', period. 'Given those values', comma, 'diminishing returns for increased participants indicates the best returns would be obtained from three fire element ninja', comma, 'which would produce an economy of 20 to 25 percent', period."

"You gonna finish this any time soon? I better get those dango, pipsqueak, or I'll use my cramped hands to squeeze that big brain of yours into a pulp!"

Amateur. I merely continued to intone. "New paragraph. 'This is', comma, 'however', comma, ' a red herring', period. The opportunity cost of using nine shinobi...'

At long last, Anko finished writing down my detailed–though I still felt like throwing in citation needed on a bunch of it–response to Orochimaru's problem. I'd been bribing her with sweets to read me texts, and now to write down my answer. Studying without note-taking felt weird, but I was working on learning Japanese Braille. As if this language wasn't hard enough already, now I have to learn to read what adds up to over a hundred symbols with my hands. At least it has something like a multiplicative structure.

Difficulties aside, soon I'd be able to read and write my own notes. I'd still need help with the library, though–as Shoku-sensei had told me on our very first lesson, no one had ever bothered to make Konoha's shinobi facilities handicapped accessible. For a militaristic government, we sure don't take very good care of our veterans, I thought to myself. Maybe because there aren't that many. 'Shinobi' isn't a career with very long life expectancy, especially if you're disabled.

Retirees like Shoku-sensei were rare. She was quite an impressive individual. Much like Hiruzen-sensei, she had fought in three shinobi world wars, and come out alive. She was the sort of warrior whose Run On Sight warnings in Bingo Books came in bold. The sort of person whose prowess people back on Earth would have made memes over. She also made delicious daifuku mochi, though for some reason she always seemed to use kusa mochi in them. Yomogi-san, were your parents gluttons like Anko's?

"Ha!" I exclaimed, hearing Shoku-sensei reposition herself in response to a shuriken I'd thrown. Every day, I found I grew more able to dodge her projectiles, and to answer with my own. I had yet to reach my previous level, let alone hit her a single time, but this was progress, dammit.

The style of dodging I was now developing was a lot more economical in terms of movement. Even with my improved sensing abilities, moving quickly was always a risk while blind. Unless you were Shoku-sensei, of course. She could even use the shunshin. due to her mastery of active sensing, but I was still trying to figure out the basics of that technique. So I stuck to minimal movement.

"You'll get clipped by wide area ninjutsu if you keep this up, girl!" She said, when she noticed it, and started throwing broad gusts at me between kunai. Ugh. How am I supposed to dodge that, you old masochist!?

Mean sensei aside, I was getting much better. I had even begun to train with Guy-san again, since I could now do most of the exercises in his routine again. I still had to skip running around the village, but we compensated for that using a round track in one of the less often used training grounds.

Those weren't quite open to the public, but as a jōnin, Guy-san could get access to one when none of the teams were using it. In fact, when he was out on a mission, I could even get Kakashi or Rin-chan to reserve a slot for me. Hell, I suspected Shoku-sensei could actually get one of the disputed training grounds, if she wanted. I have contacts on really high places, don't I? I quashed the idea. Such thoughts were beneath me.

"I'm home!" I announced, loudly. I was required to, by house rules. Rin-chan told me it was so they wouldn't worry, but I knew the truth. I had no idea at which point during my mental absence they had started bumping uglies, and I didn't particularly care to know.

They were adolescents, after all, and Rin-chan had been clearly infatuated with Kakashi for years. Still, I worried they were both using each other as a fugue. Eh. What do I know of relationships. Let them do their thing. Teenagers will be teenagers. Hey, I'm glad for the chance to embarrass the both of you.But what if I were a regular kid? Terrible housemates.

If I were to be fair, they weren't all bad. Or bad at all, really. They were nice people, put a roof over my head, food in my plate, and good night smooches on my cheeks (well, Rin-chan did). They're also there for the bad nights. The ones when I woke up choking and screaming and they'd both rush to help me. Somehow, laying down to sleep was worse than facing kunai.

And, truth be told, I enjoyed finding new ways to mortify them. Hinting at a smile in the morning, getting up to go to the bathroom at just the right moment… Kakashi was the most fun, since he wouldn't admit to blushing even when completely red. I just wish they'd keep it to themselves to a bit. Make it a challenge every now and then!

Speaking of teenagers, I had yet to catch Anko even making eyes at anyone. You're thirteen! Shinobi or not, this was the age everyone was supposed to be experimenting, no? Entertain me, goddammit! Wait…

"Anko… do you like Orochimaru?"

She gagged.

"What!?" I could hear her heave. "No way, he's an old man! You thought… blergh!"

She'd even stopped dangling her feet. Mwahahahaha. Weakness detected!

"Hey, some girls like older men… and you always have that shine in your eyes when you speak of him…"

"That's because I admire him, you…" I could practically hear her grasping at those straws. "I mean I- he's an old man!"

"I'm not judging, Anko-chan! I guess spending all that time with him and those snakes, it just went from there?"

"I- get your mind out of the gutter! What kind of five year old are you?" Oops.

"...the best kind?"

"Get over here, you!"

My head hurt for hours, from all the noogies she gave me… So worth it.

I was bored. There was nothing to train at the moment. I was done with my katas for the day, had done Shoku-sensei's drills, studied Japanese braille… Normally this was when I'd go to the library, but for the first time in two lives, I had no use for books. Could you please convert some of those scrolls already!? In any case, studying fūinjutsu was right out. I couldn't draw, couldn't really cook without help, couldn't read… being blind sucks.

That left visiting someone… but I still wasn't allowed into the new compound. No one but clan members was, really, and they were now enforcing my expelled status much more stringently. Something about 'Police Security'. Which meant I couldn't go visit my siblings. Nor could I go visit little Naruto (who was soooooo the main character. Fuck. Shoku-sensei was right, I'll be old by the time the story starts!), as the matron had freaked out when I tried.

In terms of people I knew, that left Hiruzen-sensei, who was busy, Guy-san, who was out on a mission, and Kakashi and Rin-chan, who already got way too much of me. And Anko. Now, am I seriously considering looking for that mad dango? She usually came to get me at her own leisure, but I had never gone looking for her. Especially on a Thursday afternoon. At this time, she'll be with Ninja Voldemort… he did have a very interesting puzzle to offer. It wouldn't hurt to go see what they're up to.

"...and so, that's why I'm here", I finished my explanation to Orochimaru.

"Kukukukuku. I see." He sounded very amused. Dangerously so, even. "Well, since you're here, make yourself useful. Hold this." He handed me a jar of… pickled snakes?

And thus began my afternoons helping at Orochimaru's lab. Yay, intern work.

It was actually very informative. I was assigned to help with whatever minor tasks he needed done (and which Anko refused). It was a lot like being an undergrad new to the lab. Shit rolled downhill, but you were so green even the shit jobs were learning experiences. Especially in the laboratory of a genius. Dr. Haard had been the best adviser I could have asked for, and I wouldn't have traded him for any Fields Medalist, but working with a genius was still exhilarating.

This man was ages ahead of his time; while most who investigated the world did so from the perspective of natural philosophy, or at most the limited way an ancient mason might look at geometry–looking for the best structure, but not wondering what about it made it work–Orochimaru had somehow arrived at something very akin to the scientific method.

He worked dizzyingly fast, coming up with new hypothesis and experiment designs out of thin air, as if nature itself had a live feed to his brain. Even stuck with the least desirable jobs, I could still watch him, and that was worth a lot. He even separated time to train me for my tasks, which is how I learned how to extract a snake's venom without getting poisoned myself (managed it on the third try!), the proper way to clean a blade prior to and after a dissection, and much else.

Some days, he expounded on what passed for chemistry in this world: he theorized matter was discrete, from his own experiments into the breathing of living beings, which mirrored Lavoisier's to an astounding degree. Other days, he'd speculate about this or that strange quirk of chakra dynamics, posit a principle by which it might be explained, and how one might go about testing.

"Kekkei genkai", he started, one day. "They don't seem to follow the same rules of inheritance as most other characteristics of living beings." He had done some experimentation on that, and arrived at Mendelian thinking. Quite impressive, even if he hadn't reached Darwinism. "They are quite difficult to study, however. The clans can be quite jealous of their corpses…"

I also learned from his strict laboratory standards. He had very specific procedures for the use of seals in his laboratory, so that no external influence might reach his more delicate experiments into the nature of chakra. Those, in particular, were very helpful to me. While I couldn't see the designs themselves, Orochimaru had explained their functioning to me, and I was pretty sure some of the principles could be used to improve my own chakra sealant clothing.

He was also an expert on the types and uses of chakra-sensitive paper. There were, of course, the basic ones available for testing young shinobi's elemental alignments, but this prodigious man had come up with a way to enhance and specialize them, allowing him to measure the intensity and elemental alignment of ambient chakra.

This whole situation was dazzling, and before long I found myself frequenting the lab not just to stave off boredom, but for fun. Orochimaru was creepy, of course, but Newton had been violent and paranoid, Cauchy a prick, and Erdös had been famously incapable of opening a box of juice. None of that made them any the lesser, so why should mere creepiness reduce my admiration for this man?

It was fun, while it lasted.

A/N: This week, Firebrand has reached ten thousand views! Thank you all for the support, the reviews... warms my heart.

This chapter has had the most review versions yet (it had four; the previous record holder was 13, with three). It also ended up HUUUGE - it was larger without notes than any other chapter with.

In other news, we now have Hinote's answer to the shinobi efficiency debate: up to nine, but honestly, if you're committing that many shinobi to a task, all trained to work in perfect synchrony, you have better things to do with it than a Goukakyuu. I hope.

In other other news, I have a buffer again (yes, praise me!). Well, sort of. Chapter 18 is mostly ready. Whether that buffer will survive the week remains to be seen.

Please leave a review! It's the stuff dreams are made of.