NOTE: SORRY ITS LATE! ITS LONGER THAN EXPECTED-THERES A PART THREE!
Sasori: Why are we going to the Leaf? Do they even sell anything good?
Deidara: I don't know. All I need is a leash and collar so it should be fine.
Sasori: Are you really going to buy that?
Deidara: We shouldn't get Pain anything! Since he's a "god" he should be able to get whatever he wants! Sheesh!
(A cat meows from a tree as a woman yells to it…)
Woman: It's okay, Fido! I'll get you down safely!
Deidara: She named her cat Fido? That's the worst dog name in history and she gives it to a cat?
Woman: (gasps as she looks to Deidara) Young man! Can you please help me!?
Deidara: Yes. I can. But I'm not going to.
Woman: Please?!
Deidara: No means no, lady. Now back off before I turn you into a masterpiece!
Woman: …What?
Sasori: We're busy.
Woman: But poor Fido is stuck in the tree!
Deidara: Here's what I think of your stupid cat! (sends a clay snake that slithers up the tree and explodes…after the cat jumps down from the tree and lands safely…)
Woman: Fido! (hugs the cat) Thank you so much!
Deidara: I didn't do that on purpose!
Woman: You're a hero! I'll never forget this! (walks away)
Sasori: Aww…how kind of you…
Deidara: Shut up! (looks toward the Leaf Village's open gate) Let's get this over with.
(Deidara and Sasori walk into the village just before it closes…)
Sasori: Strange.
Deidara: There's a store. (walks into a building and people scatter in fear) What's wrong with them?
Sasori: They are right to fear those with more power than them. So we know they can't be running from you.
Deidara: I'm stronger than you! Lucky for them I don't feel like displaying my power right now.
Sasori: But you felt like throwing Play-Doh at that cat.
Deidara: If you call my clay Play-Doh one more time…
Man: C-can I help you, sirs?
Deidara: No. But you can help yourself by staying behind that desk. Unless you want to die.
Man: N-n-no! I'll stay right here!
(A short while later…)
Deidara: We'll be leaving now.
Man: But you didn't pay for-
Deidara: Huh?
Man: Nothing!
Deidara: …Alright. Whatever. (walks out the store)
Naruto: How dare you trespass into the Leaf-oh, it's just you.
Deidara: What does that mean?!
Naruto: All I have to do is fight you up close and you'll be no match.
Deidara: What?! That's not true!
Sasori: (chuckles)
Deidara: Be quiet! We're not even here to fight! We just came to get some things from the store.
Naruto: You expect me to believe that?! How dumb do you think I am?!
Deidara: Extremely, but I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Naruto: Hey!
Sasori: We'll be leaving now.
Naruto: You probably have some sort of secret scroll in that bag! I won't let you get away! Rasengan! (two shadow clones run at them with Rasengan but they disappear) What?! No way! Darn it!
[The Next Day…The Akatsuki Hideout: A few minutes before midnight]
(There are scarcely any decorations, but there are tables with many snacks, desserts, and beverages. A mid-tempo instrumental is playing in the background.)
Hidan: Aw, man, I'm so excited! I feel like it's Christmas!
Itachi: You celebrate Christmas?
Hidan: Of course I do! Free gifts!
Kakuzu: But who in their right mind would give you a gift? Gifts are normally given to people you like. Who likes you?
Hidan: A lot of people! Like you for instance. And Lord Jashin too! He loves me so much! And I return his love on a daily basis! (laughs) Yes!
Kakuzu: …
Tobi: (sing-song) Tobi! Tobi! Tobi! Tobi! To-oh-bi! Tobi Festival! (as he sings he climbs a ladder and begins hanging a banner that reads, "TOBI FESTIVAL: COMING SOON!)
Kakuzu: …(looks to Konan) Can I just leave the gifts here and go?
Konan: No. You must stay.
Deidara: There you are, Konan.
Konan: Oh, Deidara, you're early?
Deidara: What does it look like? Anyway, did Pain already give you his gift?
Konan: What? No. Why would he have given me my gift already?
Deidara: I hope you're not going to do it in front of all of us. I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you naked ever in life.
Konan: (gasps) Excuse me, Deidara? How dare you-
Pain: Konan. Is Deidara bothering you?
Konan: Yes!
Deidara: All I did was ask if you'd given her her gift.
Konan: He was implying that your gift to me was…intercourse.
Pain: We have intercourse every day.
Deidara: Ew!
Pain: All members of the Akatsuki have intercourse with each other.
Deidara: Except Deidara!
Konan: No, not just intercourse. …Sexual…intercourse.
Pain: I see nothing wrong with a god having sex with his angel. It is natural. As is the breeze on a tepid day.
Konan: Wait, what!?
Deidara: So you admit you two have something going on!
Pain: I admit your god is hungry. Fetch me a nacho, Konan.
Konan: Um…yes, Pain.
Deidara: There are nachos? Where? And what do you mean, "A nacho"? Who eats one nacho and is satisfied?
Tobi: Pain, did you see what I put up?!
Pain: Yes, Tobi.
Tobi: How about you, Deidara?
Deidara: No, I didn't. And I don't want to see it so don't ask if I do.
Tobi: But it's about the Tobi Festival!
Deidara: That doesn't exist.
Tobi: Yes, it does! If it didn't there wouldn't be a banner up there advertising it!
Deidara: Get outta my face, Tobi! Or so help me-
Tobi: Ah! You don't have to be so scary, you know… And I was going to invite you to it!
Hidan: When's the Tobi Festival begin? I'll go to it.
Tobi: Sorry, it's invite only.
Hidan: Wha-I'm not invited?!
Tobi: Nope.
Hidan: So none of the Akatsuki could go, but Deidara?!
Tobi: (sighs) No, you silly Hidan, you! Everyone in the Akatsuki can go, but you!
Hidan: And why is that?!
Tobi: I don't know. I just don't want you to come. Deal with it. Thanks!
Hidan: You jerk! I should-
Konan: Calm down, everyone!
Deidara: Can we get this crap over with?
Konan: At midnight. It is 11:55.
Deidara: It's just 5 minutes!
Pain: We will follow the schedule.
Deidara: We need to talk, Pain. I've been thinking about leaving the Akatsuki.
Pain: And?
Konan: (to self) Please do.
Deidara: What do you mean, "and"?!
Pain: You may wish to leave…but you will not. The only way to leave the Akatsuki is to die and never return.
Tobi: Don't worry! You'll be in the new world! (his voice deepens) The perfect world…
Deidara: I don't-wait a second, what happened to your voice?
Tobi: (normally) What do you mean, Deida-chan?
Deidara: Didn't I tell you not to call me that yesterday!?
Tobi: Yeah.
Deidara: Then why are you still calling me it?!
Tobi: Cause I don't care!
Deidara: That's it! I'm killing you!
Tobi: No, Deidara, please!
Konan: Will you quit causing disturbances, Deidara?!
Deidara: Tobi started it!
Tobi: Nuh-unh!
(By the beverages…)
Sasori: So does Pain really have something going on with Konan?
Itachi: I don't know.
Kakuzu: They do seem pretty close.
Hidan: Haven't they known each other since they were kids? What do you expect?
Kakuzu: No, they're too close…
Sasori: And Deidara just asked them if they were going to do…you know what…and Pain basically said yes!
Itachi: Really?
Hidan: Aw, darn it! I was going to try for Konan! Maybe Pain will share.
Itachi: No, he's going to say something along the lines of, "Why would a god share his angel with the world".
Hidan: But if he talks to Lord Jashin-
Kakuzu: I'm pretty sure Pain doesn't believe in that nonsense.
Hidan: Did you just call Lord Jashin nonsense?! You don't get it, do you?! You fool! Lord Jashin needs non-believers like you so you can be victims! Or should I say you can be-(indistinctly rants on and on…)
Kakuzu: Anyway, I hope Konan doesn't want a serious relationship cause that guy is nuts.
Sasori: Konan is crazy too, isn't she? She is if she really thinks she's an angel.
Itachi: I thought she liked Deidara. I mean, she's always talking about Deidara for something, but maybe not.
Sasori: You do have a point.
Itachi: Deidara is pretty annoying. And he talks about her too.
Kakuzu: So does Deidara like Konan?
Sasori: We have our hypothesis. Konan likes Deidara, Deidara likes Konan, or they're both interested in each other.
Itachi: Or it could be none of the above.
Sasori: No, it's one of those. Now, we have to test our hypothesis.
Kakuzu: How?
Sasori: Try to get the truth out of them by any means necessary. Kakuzu and I will try Deidara. Itachi and Hidan; try Konan. (walks away with Kakuzu)
Itachi: … (looks at Hidan)
Hidan: -As a matter of fact you all should love the way of Jashin!
Itachi: Hidan.
Hidan: Huh? Hey, where'd Kakuzu and Sasori go?! I was talkin' about-
Itachi: Let's go.
Hidan: Where?
Itachi: Just follow me.
(By the cakes…)
Deidara: This cake is delicious!
Kisame: So are the fish crackers!
Deidara: I'm talking about cake and you bring up fish crackers? Go away.
Kisame: But you should try some. Here. (puts soggy fish crackers on Deidara's slice of cake)
Deidara: Ew! I don't want to eat wet fish crackers with cake!
Kisame: But it might taste good!
Deidara: "Might" isn't good enough, fish face! (pushes the cake in Kisame's face) And why the heck were they wet, freak?
Kisame: If you were trying to make me mad you've succeeded! Water Style: Water Shark Bomb!
Pain: (appears in front of Deidara) Almighty Push. (Upon stopping the attack…)
Deidara: (is sent flying by the Almighty Push into the wall) Ow, what the heck, Pain?! I was right behind you!
Pain: There will be no fighting at this moment.
Kisame: Sorry…
Deidara: By the way, I didn't need protection! All he did was throw water at me. He should've used that water to give himself a bath. My present to him should be some soap cause he always stinks so darn bad.
Kisame: What?!
Deidara: I know it's midnight now. There's no way 5 minutes haven't passed.
Sasori: Deidara, we'd like a word.
Deidara: What?
Kakuzu: Doesn't Konan look nice tonight?
Deidara: Hah! What's your definition of nice?
Sasori: You don't think she's pretty?
Deidara: Ehh…I guess so. I've seen better though.
Sasori: Maybe that's because you haven't really looked at her up close enough.
Deidara: Maybe.
Kakuzu: What do you think about her and Pain?
Deidara: What do you mean?
Kakuzu: As a couple.
Deidara: Ew. Are they dating now? I thought they were just FWBs.
Kakuzu: What's an FWB?
Deidara: A friend with benefits. I thought they were sleeping together.
Sasori: And how does that make you feel?
Deidara: Disgusted. Every time they speak to each other you can tell they've been on several sexcapades.
Kakuzu: Where are you learning these terms?
Sasori: Why are you disgusted? Could it be because you're jealous?
Deidara: Jealous of what?
Sasori: He's with Konan.
Deidara: You think I'd be jealous, because I don't have a girl I can have sexcapades with?
Sasori: (hits his palm against his face and sighs)
Kakuzu: In a way…
Deidara: I know you think that way, but in reality I can have any girl I want so it isn't really a problem.
Sasori: (chuckles) You're confused. That's in your little fantasy world where that happens.
Deidara: No, reality!
Kakuzu: Don't you think Konan deserves better than Pain?
Deidara: I don't know. Maybe.
Kakuzu: Someone who could show her true art?
Sasori: I'm afraid I'm not interested in Konan.
Deidara: He was talking about me! Wait, you were talking about me?
Kakuzu: Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to view true art with? Sasori's cool and all, but he doesn't understand what real art is.
Deidara: You've got a point…
Sasori: Not really.
Deidara: But Konan? I'm pretty sure I'm too good for her. Besides that she's nothing, but Pain's lapdog. And she gets on my nerves! Why would I want a woman so fixated on some weird lunatic that believes she's his angel!?
Sasori: So…you do like her?
Deidara: No!
Kakuzu: I don't believe you.
Deidara: I don't care. I said I don't like her and that's that.
(By the music player…)
Konan: (to self) I should call everyone together to exchange gifts now.
Hidan: Hey, Konan! Got a sec?
Konan: Um…I suppose. What is it?
Itachi: Deidara said you look cute today.
Konan: (blushes) He-…He did? No way. Deidara's an asshole.
Itachi: No, he did. He said he finally understands why Pain calls you his angel. And now he wants you to be his.
Konan: (gasps) He can't just change his attitude all of a sudden!
Hidan: Just say you don't want him so you can come spend the night with me. I'll show you what Lord Jashin has taught me.
Konan: What? I don't know how I should take that… How am I supposed to respond?
Itachi: Just don't. Ignore him. How do you feel about Deidara?
Konan: He's insolent, annoying, hypocritical, obsessed with blowing things up which is insane-how that's art-I'll never know-
Itachi: Would you be willing to give Deidara a chance?
Konan: Uh…I don't know…
Hidan: Don't you think he's attractive?
Konan: He's…cute-I guess.
Pain: Who is?
Konan: Pain! Um, no one important! Did you need something?
Pain: I was wondering why you hadn't begun the exchanging of gifts.
Konan: I'm doing it now! Everyone come closer! It is time to exchange gifts! Who's first?
Tobi: I'll go first! Konan, I got you a new flower for your hair! (hands her a red flower)
Konan: Oh, wow. It's beautiful, Tobi. Thank you.
Tobi: Pain! I got you this shirt that says "GOD IS AWESOME"! (gives the shirt to Pain)
Pain: Ah…someone has made me a shirt beckoning truth. I will wear it at the next meeting.
Tobi: Kisame…I got you a forbidden scroll of the water arts! You'll be unstoppable with this! (hands the scroll to Kisame)
Kisame: Thank you, Tobi! How kind of you!
Tobi: I know! Itachi, I know how much of a stud you used to be in Konoha and I know you must be missing the ladies so I got you this! (hands Itachi a magazine with photos of half-naked girls from the Hidden Leaf)
Itachi: …I don't know how to react.
Tobi: Kakuzu, I figured you'd be happy with just receiving money so here. (hands Kakuzu a large bag of money)
Kakuzu: Ah! Right you are! You're the best, Tobi!
Tobi: Thanks! Hidan, I have this for you! (hands him a card)
Hidan: What's this? (begins reading the card…) "You are invited to the Tobi Festival"?! Alright!
Deidara: Why the heck do you want to go that bad?
Tobi: Read the back too!
Hidan: (turns the card and reads the back of it…) "Just kidding-Ha ha ha"?! You bastard! I'll kill you for messing with me like that!
Tobi: (laughs) That was so funny I almost died!
Hidan: You should have!
Tobi: Zetsu. I got you bunny slippers! (hands him pink bunny slippers)
Zetsu: …Is this a joke?
Tobi: Huh? No. My jokes are funny. Anyway…Deidara, since we're such good friends I got you the greatest gift of all! (pulls out a replica of his own mask) A mask to match mine! Now we'll be like twins at the Tobi Festival!
Deidara: I don't want that stupid mask!
Tobi: But… (pulls out a pair of scissors) I was even going to cut and style your hair to look like mine. I have dye too!
Deidara: No way! Don't you even think about coming close to me with those scissors!
Konan: Hm…Kakuzu got a large bag of money and I just got a simple accessory… Kisame got a forbidden scroll…and I got a flower for my hair… (sighs) Anyway…next?
Hidan: I'll go! Kakuzu, I'll give you yours first. (hands him a small bag of money)
Kakuzu: Lighter than Tobi's, but I'll accept it.
Hidan: I can take it back!
Kakuzu: I said I'll accept it.
Deidara: Is everyone giving him money? He's going to be disappointed when I give him my gift then.
Hidan: Pain, I got you a book of the ways of Jashin! (hands him a book)
Pain: Almighty Push.
Hidan: (is sent flying into the wall; laughs) That hurt! It really hurt! Why'd you do that…?
Deidara: He's such a freak.
Pain: I do not require that book of sin.
Hidan: What do you mean?
Pain: It is a sin to worship a false god.
Deidara: (to self) Exactly why no one worships you.
Hidan: Who are you callin' a false god?! Lord Jashin is as true as the sun in the sky!
Deidara: That's an odd choice of words.
Konan: I think we should move on before someone gets offended.
Pain: I've already been offended by the act of being offered such a silly book.
Konan: He's just kidding Hidan. Move on. What'd you get me?
Hidan: Oh! I got you a Lord Jashin necklace! (hands her a necklace with the letters "LORD JASHIN")
Pain: You are not allowed to wear it.
Konan: Um…okay. Sorry, Hidan.
Hidan: Why'd you tell her that?
Pain: Because.
Hidan: Because what?!
Pain: A god need not reveal his intentions.
Hidan: Fine then! Zetsu, I got you the yin and yang symbol. You know, it's Chinese. You like black and white, right?
Zetsu: …Another…great gift…
Hidan: You're welcome! Itachi, I got you a Lord Jashin ring! (hands him a golden ring with "Lord J." inscribed on it)
Itachi: This is a horrible gift.
Hidan: Hey, no it's not!
Itachi: Saying it's not doesn't change the fact it is.
Hidan: I'll never buy you a gift again then!
Itachi: Please don't. I'll probably just throw it away like I'm going to do with this.
Hidan: You punk!
Sasori: At least he was honest.
Hidan: (hands Sasori book) There ya go, art lover. I got one for you too, Deidara. (hands another book to Deidara)
Sasori: What is this?
Deidara: You got me a freakin' book? How lame is this?
Hidan: They're about artists.
Sasori: Who is "Van Goh"?
Deidara: He wasn't a true artist! We're not reading these! (throws the book on the ground and sends a few clay spiders to blow it up)
Sasori: You don't know how to pick out gifts for people. Blow this one up too, Deidara.
Deidara: Sure.
Hidan: I don't care if you don't like them! I didn't want to do this anyway!
Deidara: Then stop throwing a hissy fit.
Hidan: You shut up, sissy art boy!
Konan: Please finish, Hidan. We have 8 more going after you.
Deidara: She's right.
Konan: …Don't agree with me.
Deidara: Fine! I won't!
Hidan: Kisame, I got you this free ticket to a water park. (gives Kisame the ticket)
Konan: That's a rather childish gift, don't you thi-
Kisame: Thank you so much for this! I can't wait to go!
Hidan: No problem. At least someone likes my gift!
Deidara: He's a weirdo. Of course he does.
Hidan: Last, but not least…well, last…Tobi.
Tobi: I hope it's a new pair of ice skates!
Hidan: You want ice skates?
Sasori: He said "new" so he's had ice skates in the past…?
Hidan: It's not ice skates. It's a coloring book. You act like a child so I got you a children's item.
Tobi: …You…you…you're so good to me, Hi-chan! (hugs Hidan)
Hidan: Hey, get off! What the hell is your problem?! You crazy?!
Konan: Okay, I think if any of you got Kakuzu money, you should just give it to him now.
(The remaining, excluding Deidara and Pain give Kakuzu various sized money bags…)
Kakuzu: Life is good…
Konan: Why don't you go next?
Kakuzu: I guess… Pain, you have my loyalty. That's good enough.
Pain: Yes. I suppose it is. Will you also pray to me every night and-
Kakuzu: Whatever floats your boat.
Itachi: That's my gift to you too then.
Kakuzu: Konan, you can have this piece of bubblegum. (gives her a piece of bubblegum)
Konan: …Kakuzu, did you even go to a store or anything?
Kakuzu: So here's your gift, Zetsu. Um... (searches his pockets and pulls out gum) I think this one is two flavors. You've got a black and white side, right. Two and two. Perfect. (hands everyone else a piece of gum except Deidara) That's all I had.
Deidara: So I don't get anything?!
Kakuzu: I'll ignore all the dumb stuff you say for a day. There.
Deidara: I don't say anything dumb!
Konan: (sighs)