Itachi: I'll go next. Sasori, I found a couple of rare poisons and I figured you could use them for your puppets or something. (hands him the poisons)
Sasori: Oh…thanks. This is actually a pretty good gift.
Deidara: So what do I get!?
Itachi: I had no clue what to get you so I just got you this video of recorded explosions. (hands him a tape)
Deidara: So you got true art in video!
Itachi: Kisame. I got you-
Kisame: A video of sharks trailing their prey!
Itachi: …No. I got you this sword. It's like your sharkskin, but better. Try it out when you get the chance. (hands him the large sword)
Kisame: Ooh! It feels amazing!
Konan: Itachi seems to understand the art of gift giving.
Deidara: Gift giving isn't art!
Sasori: See? You should date her. You both don't know what true art is.
Konan: He should what?!
Itachi: Konan, I asked Pain what you'd like and he said to just take a photo of him and have him autograph it so… (hands her an autographed photo of Pain)
Konan: (sullen) Yay.
Itachi: Zetsu, I don't know much about you, but Pain told me you'd be fine with just receiving this Akatsuki sticker. (hands him a sticker)
Zetsu: …
Hidan: I hope you didn't ask him what to get me!
Itachi: He said you'd like the prologue to his new book. (hands Hidan a thin paper booklet)
Hidan: He wrote a book?
Pain: It's called… "How to please a god".
Hidan: I know how to please Lord Jashin!
Itachi: Tobi. Here's all the lyrics to the songs in Frozen.
Tobi: Just what I asked for! (sings) Do you wanna build a snowman!?
Deidara: Really?
Kisame: My turn! I got everyone their own pet shark! They're outside in the river!
Deidara: (to Sasori) I thought sharks only lived in the oceans.
Sasori: I don't know.
Konan: A pet shark?
Kakuzu: Are you scared of sharks, Konan? Don't worry. If you ever go in the river and see one I'm sure Deidara would save you.
Deidara: Ha! She'd drown and get eaten that day!
Konan: Shut up, Deidara.
Deidara: Why would I save you? So Pain can get mad at me for touching his girlfriend?
Pain: How humorous. To suggest that a higher being such as myself would date such a lowly angel. Sex is one thing, but to date her would be foolish.
Konan: … (sighs)
Deidara: Ouch. Uh…so…who's next?
Sasori: Me. Since you're so down, I'll give you your gift first.
Konan: I'm not down.
Sasori: Right. Now, take this. (hands Konan a white headband with the number 3 on it) You like that, don't you? White's your favorite color, right?
Konan: …Why would you think that? No, it's not.
Sasori: Oh…oh well.
Konan: And why is the number 3 on it?
Sasori: That's your favorite number.
Konan: Says who?
Sasori: (Sighs) This is why I don't buy people gifts. They never appreciate it. How about this then? (hands her rubbing alcohol and bandages) For when you give yourself a paper cut. Pain, I got you…an offering. (hands him a dead bird)
Pain: …I don't understand this gift.
Sasori: Hidan, I got you this mask to cover up that hideous face. Please use it.
Hidan: I don't want that!
Sasori: It's rude not to accept someone's gift.
Hidan: You think I care!?
Sasori: (sighs loudly) Tobi, I got you a guitar. (hands him a guitar)
Tobi: YES! This is the best day ever! I can play this and sing my songs! (sings) Love is an open door!
Deidara: Why would you get him that? He's annoying enough!
Tobi: Don't act like you don't like Frozen!
Deidara: I've never seen it.
Tobi: What?! If I would've known I would've bought the movie for you!
Sasori: Kisame, here. (hands him a small shark puppet) A shark in the form of art.
Kisame: Thank you!
Sasori: Itachi, you can have this. (hands him a jug of apple juice)
Itachi: I almost don't want to ask… Why did you get me apple juice?
Sasori: Don't you like apple juice?
Itachi: I do, but there's no way you could've known that before this moment.
Sasori: Who doesn't like apple juice?
Itachi: ...Everyone doesn't like apple juice.
Sasori: I disagree.
Itachi: …Whatever.
Konan: Sasori, if you ever marry or have kids; I'll feel sorry for the woman and children every gift-giving holiday.
Sasori: I don't know why. Zetsu, are you ready for the best gift you've ever gotten?
Zetsu: Sure…
Sasori: Here it is…recognition. I heard you came back successful from that last mission. Good work.
Zetsu: (sarcastically) …Thanks so much. That means a lot coming from you.
Sasori: No problem. Your turn, Deidara. Though I don't agree with your form of art. I got you something I know you'll love.
Deidara: Huh? It has something to do with explosions?!
Sasori: (hands Deidara a large container of Play-Doh) Enjoy!
Deidara: What the hell is this, Sasori?! You think you're funny?!
Sasori: I thought you'd love it! You're always playing with Play-Doh so I just figured you'd like this-
Deidara: I don't play with Play-Doh! It's explosive clay!
Sasori: It isn't art.
Deidara: My clay causes things to explode! And what is true art, Sasori? I've told you a million times!
Sasori: Did you say something like…it is everlasting?
Deidara: No!
Sasori: Then I don't remember. It probably made no sense if it wasn't that.
Deidara: True art…is an EXPLOSION! Don't play games with me, Sasori! I'm not in the mood for this! I'm ready to leave this stupid place!
Sasori: I gave you a great gift and you have the nerve to lie to me? True art is NOT an explosion.
Deidara: Yes, it is!
Konan: Stop arguing you two. I think Sasori is done so who is left?
Pain: It is I, you, and Deidara.
Deidara: You forgot Zetsu.
Pain: He asked to be exempt from this.
Deidara: What the-?! All we had to do was ask!?
Pain: I am a lenient one.
Deidara: Dammit! No one should've got him any gifts then!
Zetsu: It's not like any of them were good gifts anyway.
Sasori: Excuse me?
Zetsu: I'd like to be excused, Pain.
Pain: You may go.
Deidara: I'd like to leave too!
Pain: How unfortunate. You'd like to do something you will not do. The grass only appears greener on the other side.
Deidara: What the heck?!
Pain: Why don't you go next, Deidara?
Deidara: Why? Because I don't want to. I'm going last.
Konan: (sighs) I'll go. Deidara can go after me. Pain. I have for you the special information you were going to retrieve on all the 5 lands. It took me a while to get, but-
Pain: (pats her on the head) Good girl.
Konan: (sighs) …Thankyou…
Deidara: I thought she was your angel. Why are you treating her like a dog?
Sasori: You said she was his lapdog.
Deidara: Yeah, but I didn't mean she was a real dog!
Konan: He said I was his what?!
Tobi: Give me my gift next, Konan! PLEASE?!
Konan: Sure. Though I don't know why you asked for this when you could've got one yourself. (hands Tobi a large hamburger bento)
Tobi: YES! I'M SO HUNGRY! I always get hungry around midnight, you know! Deida-chan knows!
Deidara: What? How the heck could I know that?
Tobi: Your mom didn't tell you? She always makes my midnight snacks.
Deidara: You little pest! I'll show you-
Konan: (puts a hand on Deidara's shoulder) Deidara, please. We're trying to get through this.
Deidara: Wha-don't touch me! When'd you even get this close to me?
Itachi: Is your mom still alive?
Deidara: She's always been dead to me! Itachi: …Is that a yes or no?
Konan: Now, next I have a gift for-
Kisame: Give it to me! I'm ready to receive!
Konan: Um…okay. I saw this and immediately thought of you. Isn't it cute? (gives Kisame a necklace with an emblem depicting a wave and dolphin)
Kisame: (stares at the necklace) …
Konan: I know it's not a shark, but I think dolphins are way better than sharks. It's cool how they work together like a team to get things done a lot of the time. Like the Akatsuki!
Kisame: ... (still staring at the necklace; looks to Konan with a frown)
Konan: You don't like it?
Kisame: Move on to the next person.
Konan: Um…okay, if you say so. I hope you like your gift.
Kisame: (to self) Worst gift ever.
Hidan: Where's my gift, sweet cheeks?
Konan: Hidan, never call me that again. But here is your gift.
Hidan: You can just give me a time to come pick you up for our date tomorrow.
Konan: Are you hitting on me?
Hidan: Of course I am! You're the only girl in the Akatsuki! What do you expect?!
Konan: I'm…flattered, but no.
Hidan: Why not?! Pain said ya'll aint datin' so you should go out with me!
Deidara: Why would she want to go out with a sacrilegious freak?
Hidan: Hey, what?!
Itachi: I'm surprised Deidara knows the term "sacrilegious".
Deidara: Shut up, Itachi!
Hidan: No, YOU shut up, Deidara-chan! No one wants to hear you bitch!
Deidara: What did you just say to me?! Can we even use that word?
Hidan: I just used it!
Deidara: I wasn't even doing that! All I said was you were a freak! It's true! Everyone knows it!
Hidan: No, they don't!
All: Yes, they do.
Hidan: Wha-!? None of you know what you're talkin' about!
Konan: Please, enough fighting! Can we not do something without fighting?!
Itachi: We can't.
Tobi: Especially not with those two!
Deidara: Watch it, Tobi!
Hidan: Yeah, watch it!
Tobi: It's true! You're both so ANNOYING! I mean do either one of you know how to shut up?
Deidara: I know how to shut you up!
Hidan: Keep talking and become a sacrifice!
Tobi: I'll be quiet!
Deidara: You can continue, Konan. I'm sorry.
Sasori: You are?
Konan: Oh…thank you, Deidara. Would you like me to give you your gift next?
Hidan: I still haven't gotten mine!
Deidara: It doesn't matter.
Hidan: Give me MY gift!
Konan: Are you going to stop trying to hit on me?
Hidan: No. Show me how much you love me and I'll accept that as my gift.
Konan: Alright. Have it your way. (sends a hundred paper airplanes at his head)
Hidan: Ouch! Ahh! Stop it! (falls to the ground) Man, my face hurts so bad!
(Deidara and Sasori burst out laughing…)
Deidara: "Ahh! Stop it!"
Sasori: "Ouch, it hurts!"
Deidara: "Please date me, Konan! No?"
Sasori: "Well I am ugly, but you're only the 244th girl to turn me down!"
Deidara: "The 245th time's the charm!"
(Deidara and Sasori laugh uncontrollably…)
Hidan: Shut up! When I get up, by the strength of Lord Jashin, I'm going to kill you!
(Deidara and Sasori laugh even harder…)
Pain: Konan, continue. I am ready to tell of my gift.
Konan: Of course, sir. Zetsu left the room so I'll give him his gift later. Itachi, it was hard to decide what to get you, but I hope you like this. (hands him a customized gold and black diamond Akatsuki watch with Pain's face in the center)
Itachi: …It was almost a good gift.
Konan: Sasori, I have for you-I know you like puppets so why wouldn't you like-the Muppets! (hands him "The Muppets Most Wanted" DVD)
Sasori: …I do like some of those songs. But to suggest they are anything like my beautiful puppets...no.
Konan: And Deidara. Here. (hands him a bag with the word "ART" on it) There's a lot of explosive tags in there, but I thought maybe you could put your explosive clay in it. It seems a lot roomier than the bag you already have.
Deidara: Oh, thanks.
Konan: I know it's not much, but I didn't know how to-
Deidara: It's fine. I like it.
Konan: …Oh. Good. I'm glad you do.
Sasori: Hmm…
Deidara: What?
Konan: Is there a problem, Sasori?
Pain: Deidara. It is your turn. Begin your distribution of gifts.
Deidara: I guess I will. I'll start with you. You want the world to know pain so I thought you should get familiar with it yourself. I was going to punch you, but you keep using Almighty Push so you're just not getting anything from me. Zetsu's not here, but I got him a plant since he seems to like them so much-the weirdo. Kisame-
Kisame: Is it a shark?!
Deidara: No. You got everybody else sharks. Why would you ask for one as a gift? That's stupid. You're water style so I got you these water type Pokemon cards. (hands him the Pokemon cards)
Kisame: What's Pokemon?
Deidara: Oh, and you can share this with Zetsu and his plant. (hands him a half full water bottle)
Kisame: Water? And half of its gone!
Deidara: I got thirsty on my way here. It's a long walk.
Kisame: Why didn't you ride one of your birds here?
Deidara: I did. I still got thirsty.
Kisame: But you said it's a long walk.
Deidara: It is a long walk. That's why I rode one of my clay birds-duh. Why don't you try thinking every once in a while? Anyway, Kakuzu, I know you can stretch your arms and stuff like you ate a gum gum fruit so I got you something you can relate to. (hands him a Mr. Fantastic action figure)
Kakuzu: So you've got jokes?
Deidara: A couple. (chuckles) Anyway, Itachi, I got you some sunglasses so people won't see when you cast a genjustsu. (hands him some shades)
Itachi: Are you being stupid on purpose?
Deidara: I'm not being stupid! I spent about 10 ryo for those shades!
Itachi: (holds the shades and the lens fall out as the frame breaks) …This is worse than Hidan's.
Deidara: If you didn't break it; it wouldn't be!
Itachi: No.
Deidara: Screw you! Here you go, Hidan. (hands him a Jehovah Witness pamphlet)
Hidan: What the hell is this?!
Deidara: It's religious garbage.
IMPORTANT NOTE: PLEASE NO ONE TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT LINE. IT IS A CHARACTER'S OPINION…NO OFFENSE TO THE RELIGION BUT BE HONEST: WHO REALLY READS THOSE PAMPHLETS!?
Hidan: Don't you dare make me angry!
Deidara: I thought you liked that stuff!
Hidan: What does this have to do with Lord Jashin?!
Deidara: How the heck should I know? I didn't read the pamphlet.
Hidan: The answer is nothing!
Deidara: Whatever. Maybe you'd be less annoying if you tried another religion.
Hidan: Maybe you'd be less annoying with your head detached from your body!
Deidara: "Maybe"? I'd be dead! I wouldn't be annoying at all! I couldn't speak! Unless my corpse bothered you there's no way!
Hidan: You think you're so smart!
Deidara: You think you're so tough. Too bad that's a lie, but I really am smart.
Hidan: Oh, really? All you do all day is harp on like, "Art this-Art that! True art…is an explosion"! And you're explosions are so trashy! Hire someone else to design 'em for you cause you suck at it!
Deidara: Excuse me, Mr. "I can't do anything until I stand in a circle and chant and turn even uglier than I already am"! I must applaud you though cause I didn't think it was possible for you to get uglier, but you proved me wrong!
Hidan: Wha-!? At least I don't love art so much, but can't even create it!
Sasori: (chuckles)
Deidara: Shut up, Sasori! I can create art! At least I don't talk so much with my aggravating voice I make everyone's ears bleed!
Hidan: Shut up!
Konan: Guys. After Pain, we'll be done so…
Deidara: That means stop talking to me Hidan.
Hidan: Gladly!
Deidara: Here, Konan. (hands her a make-up kit)
Konan: What are you going to say? I'm so ugly I need make-up?
Deidara: Actually, I wasn't going to say it cause you're being less of a pest right now. I was just going to tell you to use that lip balm so your lips could at least be soft when you're kissing Pain's ass.
Konan: What!?
Deidara: I said I was GOING TO say that.
Konan: Ugh…
Deidara: And for you, Sasori. (hands him a Barbie and Pinocchio puppet) I know you love Pinocchio. And puppets are basically dolls with strings so I got you this Barbie too. Maybe you can attach strings to it and equip it with stuff and make it like the rest of your crap-I mean alleged "art".
Sasori: You. Bastard. Good one though. (high-fives him)
Deidara: I'm done.
Tobi: Where's my gift, Deidara?!
Deidara: Huh? Oh, I forgot you.
Tobi: WHA-?!
Deidara: Oh well. You'll live without a gift. Sadly.
Tobi: I might not! I was really looking forward to your gift!
Deidara: You might not?! I like those odds.
Tobi: Oh, please give me a gift, Deidara! Please!
Deidara: I don't have anything!
Tobi: PLEASE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEA-
Deidara: (backhands him) There's your gift now shut the hell up!
Tobi: Ouchie, Deidara! How mean!
Deidara: (sends a clay spider at him) And you can have this too!
Tobi: Thanks! (falls backward to the floor due to the small explosion from the spider) Oof!
Pain: Finally, it is my turn. My gift to you all is a fun activity.
Itachi: Oh no…
Kakuzu: Can I be excused?
Pain: No. You may not be excused. You will be switching partners for a week.
Kisame: Oh no! What will Itachi do without me?!
Itachi: I don't like anyone in this group so I don't care.
Sasori: Do you know how long it took me to accept Deidara as my partner? And you want me to switch?
Deidara: That's how I feel about you!
Kakuzu: I don't understand how you guys can argue one second, laugh and talk about somebody else together the next, argue again the second after that, act like the best of friends the second after that one, and then talk like you don't like each other again. Your relationship is weird.
Hidan: Did you hear Pain?! We won't be partners for a week! Aren't you upset?
Kakuzu: (gasps) …This might just be the best week I've ever had since I joined the Akatsuki!
Hidan: Huh? Whaddaya mean? We won't be partners.
Kakuzu: Exactly!
Hidan: Well, screw you too, Kakuzu!
Pain: I will announce the partners at the next meeting which will be tonight. I have assignments that you are to complete.
Deidara: This is so lame.
Hidan: I want to be partnered with Konan!
Konan: An angel must always remain by god's-
Pain: Possibly.
Konan: What!? But Pain-
Pain: Zetsu will be tagging along with me meaning you-Konan, Itachi, Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, Tobi, Kakuzu, and Hidan will be the ones being paired.
Konan: But-! (sighs)
Tobi: I request Deidara!
Deidara: I request anyone, but Tobi! And Hidan! And Kisame! And Itachi!
Konan: Why not Itachi?
Deidara: I just don't like him. He thinks he's better than everybody. Look at him over there!
(Itachi stands with a cup of apple juice…he takes a sip…)
Deidara: He makes me sick…
Konan: Do you…not like apple juice?
Kakuzu: So you'd partner with Konan?
Deidara: If I had to.
Pain: You are free to enjoy yourselves for the rest of the party. But I must be going. See you all tonight. (disappears)
Deidara: I'm not staying at this party. I'm leaving.
Konan: Deidara, we need to talk. Alone.
Deidara: Uh, okay?
(Deidara and Konan walk outside…)
Konan: Itachi and Hidan told me that you said-…that you said…I look cute today. Was that true?
Deidara: …I guess you are kind of pretty. What were you saying? I was thinking about something Sasori said to me earlier about you being pretty.
Konan: W-wait…Sasori said I was pretty?
Deidara: I guess that's what he was saying. Now, that I think about it…it would make sense if that's what he was saying, but he also said he wasn't interested in you. Then again some people say that, but they're just embarrassed and can't admit the truth.
Konan: So you're saying…
Deidara: I think Sasori might have a crush on you.
Konan: Really? I don't think I can return his feelings…
Deidara: Why not? Do you like someone else?
Konan: I don't know…
Deidara: I feel like making something explode! Don't you want to witness true art right before your very eyes?
Konan: Um…
Deidara: (creates a giant clay bird and jumps on top of it then holds out a hand for Konan) Let's go.
Konan: …(smiles) Okay. (takes his hand and is helped onto the bird)
(The bird flies into the sky above the Akatsuki lair…)
Deidara: (attaches all the explosive tags to clay birds and sends them flying) Observe sweet sublimation.
(Many explosions erupt in the night sky…)
Konan: You know, it actually is kind of sublime…
Deidara: You really agree?
Konan: Yes. I do.
Deidara: Oh…Good…
Konan: And fireworks are kind of like explosions, right? I love fireworks.
Deidara: Yeah, but most of the ones that aren't illegal are usually cheap imitations.
Konan: Maybe we could go watch some sometime.
Deidara: (slight gasp) Did you just ask me out?
Konan: Wha-n-no! I was just saying, because we both like fireworks! That's all!
Deidara: Good cause I was about to turn you down.
Konan: What?! (sends several papers at his face knocking him off the bird)
(The bird explodes and Konan falls into the water as Deidara stands on another bird beside the river)
Deidara: Nice try! But you did look rather attractive in that explosion! (laughs)
Konan: Bastard…
[A short distance away from the river…]
Sasori: So what do you guys think?
Itachi: I think Konan likes Deidara.
Kakuzu: Deidara likes Konan.
Hidan: Konan likes me!
Sasori: I think Deidara likes Konan and Konan likes Deidara. Hm…I guess we'll have to continue watch over them.
Kisame: What happened to all the sharks in the river?!
Itachi: They probably swam away.
Sasori: Or they died.
Kisame: NOOOOOO!
Tobi: HEY DEIDARA!
Deidara: WHAT!?
Tobi: HI!
Deidara: (sends a clay bird that lands on Tobi's head) Go to sleep, Tobi! And never wake up!
Tobi: Huh? (the bird explodes and he falls to the ground) Ouchie…!