Peeta is restless and getting frustrated and his temper is really thin these days. He has had to call into work the past three days because his leg seems to be getting worse. I tell him to call Aurelius and see what can be done but he says there's nothing to be done. Or, to quote him, "my leg is fucking gone, Katniss, what more is there to do about it?"
It hurts that I can't help him but I honestly don't know what else to do. Besides calling Aurelius myself and I know that would just anger him even more, if I went behind his back. I know I would be pretty pissed if he were to call Aurelius if I was suffering. Still, I watch my husband sink into a darker mood and I hate it. My ray of sunshine has been conquered by the shadows and I'd do anything to see that smile again.
We've taken to avoiding each other again. I tell him sternly to talk to me and to not let things get bad like they did last time. He agrees but he still finds it difficult to be around me without snapping at me. So he locks himself in his studio. I give him the refuge he seeks and we go to sleep without speaking. I refuse to allow us to drift apart in bed though. I won't let it get that far this time. Last time nearly destroyed us and we are married now, so I will make sure we stay strong.
When he wakes up crying because the pain is so bad, I put my foot down. I tell him we are calling Aurelius when it is a decent hour. I run him a hot bath and add some scented bubbles to the water. He insists I join him and he holds me against his chest while his leg is wrapped around my waist. We enjoy the warmth and the peace in the bathroom for as long as we can before we get out and slip back into bed.
When it gets light out, I help Peeta to the study where we can call Aurelius together. The old doctor seems surprised to hear from me. I still talk to him for our sessions but they are much fewer since I married Peeta.
"Katniss," he says cheerfully. "Peeta, how are you both doing? How is married life treating you?"
"We're fine, Doctor Aurelius," Peeta says in a warmer tone than he has been using.
"Good, good. How can I help you two today?"
"I'm actually calling about my leg," he says nervously. "I mean, the one…well, you know. I've been in a lot of pain and I don't really understand, how something that isn't there can hurt so much." He bites his lip and I sigh.
"Doctor, his leg is very swollen. I've been massaging healing salve into it for several days but nothing seems to help. We're wondering what else we can do."
"Unfortunately I don't know a lot about amputations or those types of injuries," he says uncertainly and I see Peeta's face fall. "But I do have a good friend who is a physical therapist in the Capitol. Let me give him a call and I will call you both back in a little while." We thank him and hang up and I help Peeta back into bed. He hides his face in his hands and I hate that he feels so ashamed. I firmly take his hands in mine and tell him I am here for him no matter what.
Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to help. If anything, he flushes even more and can't seem to look at me.
And I feel guilty all over again because it's my fault he lost his leg in the first place.
It's a vicious cycle with us.
Peeta is sleeping when the phone rings. I hurry to answer it and Aurelius tells me he's talked to his friend.
"It sounds as if Peeta is suffering from something known as phantom pain. A lot of times, people who have had amputations feel a sort of sensation that relates to the missing limb. In this case, it is Peeta's leg."
"But why is it all of a sudden bothering him?"
"There are a number of reasons. My friend says the most likely is that his prosthetic needs to be refitted and possibly altered. He was 16 when he lost his leg. He has grown a bit and with that growth, his limbs have grown. His prosthetic leg has probably become uncomfortable and sometimes, painful. He says he can recommend an anti-inflammatory medicine to help with the pain but ultimately, he needs to be refitted and possibly even undergo therapy."
"Ok," I sigh, wincing at this piece of information. "Alright, is there a physical therapist in 12?"
"Physical therapy is complex and only practiced in certain areas. The Capitol will be his best option."
"No," I say immediately. "No, he's not going back there."
"Katniss-"
"No!" I'm screaming into the phone. "You're not taking him back there! Who knows what will happen? He's bound to suffer a flashback and it may be a really terrible one!"
"Katniss, think about it. He needs help! Now he can try the medicine and hope the pain goes away but I'm afraid it won't. He needs physical therapy. In the Capitol." Furious, I hang up. I instantly regret it but it doesn't surprise me that he doesn't call back. Taking deep, shuddering breaths, I return to our bedroom where my husband is still asleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and stroke his face lovingly. He stirs only slightly and turns his face away. I sigh, hiding my face in my hands. I know Aurelius is right. Peeta needs to get better. And to do that, he has to go the Capitol. The one place that haunts us the most, the place that has the worst memories, the most painful history for both of us.
And I'm still forbidden from leaving 12.
I can't go with him to protect him.
Turning away, I bury my face in my knees and sob openly.