All the reviews and impatience make my heart happy cause it lets me know how much yall are enjoying this ;) sorry dearest readers but we authors must use cliffhangers to test your loyalty. you all pass ;) lol. Here's a long one before I go to bed. Next one should be up by the end of the weekend! Sooner if I can manage! XOXOXO
I've been walking through the city with Marco, Izzy, and a female doctor named Evangeline Plotz. After fitting me with a state-of-the-art prosthesis that looks just like a real leg, they said I needed exercise and to get a good feel for it. So we have been taking walks every afternoon. Evangeline and Izzy carry clipboards and make notes and I just want to jump up and down with joy. I haven't had any pain with the new leg and it can basically do everything my other leg can. I'm amazed at how life-like it looks and feels.
Izzy is really pleased with the results and the therapy has been working wonders. I tell him I don't want to have to come back here and leave Katniss again so let's just do anything and everything that needs to be done. He agrees.
This afternoon, we are joined by another female doctor. Her name is Tilde Rhunan and she looks so much like Prim that I freeze in my tracks. Marco's hand is on my shoulder, steadying me.
"It's such an honor to meet you, Mr. Mellark," she says with a bright smile-I mean bright smile! I have never seen teeth so white and I am a Victor!
"Thank you. It's nice to meet you as well."
"Peeta, Doctor Rhunan and Doctor Plotz are Capitol doctors, who were supporters of the rebellion and the Mockingjay. They specialize in neuroscience." I look at the two women, baffled. Plotz smiles.
"We study psychiatry and how some things affect the nervous system. And most importantly, the brain. We are very interested to learn about particular fears and what triggers them." I take a step back, immediately knowing where this is going. I feel Marco's hand on my shoulder again.
"Peeta-"
"No, you said I wouldn't be…experimented on."
"Oh god no! Peeta, we would never," Plotz steps forward. "We just want to help. Marco has told us you still suffer from flashbacks and are sometimes afraid you will hurt your wife. We have been studying hijacking since the Snow regime fell. You're not the only victim of it. But other victims are so far gone that we have no way of returning them to their former selves. You are the only one to accomplish this and if you would help us discover how you did it, you could save many lives."
"I don't know how I did it," I say quietly, already feeling a flashback coming on. "I just…did."
"Ok. Ok Peeta, you don't have to tell us anything," Marco says soothingly. I shudder and clench and unclench my fists, wishing for something to hold onto.
"I didn't mean to upset you," Plotz says softly. "I think you are the bravest person in all of Panem, to endure what you endured. And you conquered all of it. I know we were all shocked when we heard you had married the Mockingjay. It means you are living life…well, normally." I nod. Life is normal.
Except for the flashbacks. But Katniss's nightmares are the same as my seizures. We deal with them together.
"If you change your mind, Izzy knows how to reach us. We would love it if you stayed in the Capitol a few more days so we can run some tests. We have reason to believe we can remove the remaining amount of venom from your blood stream!"
"You know what that means, Peeta? It's less of a chance for a flashback," Izzy says softly. Beside me, Marco nods.
"You'll still have them. But they won't be extreme. And they might be shorter than they are now. In 13 we learned that the amount of venom that was injected into you was a fatal amount. The Capitol nearly killed you."
Sometimes I wish they succeeded.
"But the doctors managed to remove some of it. A lot of it, actually. Still, there's a bit left and we don't really know how much there is."
"So you want me to stay here while you run tests on me?"
"Only if you agree to it. We would never do anything you feel uncomfortable with," Rhunan assures me. I look at the doctors and sigh heavily.
"I have to talk it over with Katniss. I won't make any decisions without her."
"Of course," Marco nods and pats my shoulder. "Let's return to the facility, shall we? It's nearly lunch time."
Now I'm back in my suite, nervously dialing the home number. When it continues to ring, I remember Katniss said she was going to help at the bakery today. I quickly dial the number and wait, taking a deep breath.
"Mellark Family Bakery. Delly speaking."
"Delly, hi, it's Peeta!"
"Peeta! Oh it's good to hear from you, how are you?"
"I'm well, Delly. Is Katniss around by any chance?"
"Well she is but she's out front helping customers."
"I really need to speak with her, Del." She places me on hold and goes to get Katniss. When she comes to the phone, I take another deep breath.
"Katniss please don't be mad but…I'm not coming home tomorrow."
There's a cold silence and I shiver.
"Katniss?"
"What do you mean, you're not coming home? I thought the therapy was finished."
"There's um…there's a new…development."
"Development?"
I quickly tell her about the two doctors who are offering to help me with the remaining poison in my system.
"We should at least try it, Katniss. While I'm here. Just think about it. I might not have flashbacks anymore! I won't have to worry about hurting you ever again. I could be normal!"
"I'm not normal, Peeta," comes her shaky voice. "Why do you have to be normal? We're broken together. We've put each other back together."
"Yes we have and this is another way to do it. Sweetheart they might be able to help me! You might not ever have to see Mutt Peeta ever again," I plead with her. "I can't bear the thought…I've come so close to seriously hurting you, so many times-"
'That wasn't you," she snaps. "It was the poison!"
"Exactly! This could be my chance to get rid of it. Once and for all."
"Are there risks?" There are and I don't want to tell Katniss. Evangeline and Marco both explained to me the possibility of slipping into a flashback and not coming out of it.
"There's always risks. But the doctors are confident-"
"Peeta. Are. There. Risks?" I swallow.
"Yes. It's a risky procedure. If I don't respond well to the detoxification, I could be stuck in my hijacked state."
"Permanently?"
"Yes but Katniss-"
"That's a damn huge risk, if you ask me!"
"Katniss, they're good doctors. I trust them. Please sweetheart, I need this."
"How much longer are you talking about staying?"
"Doctor Plotz says she will need at least six days to run the blood work and examine the results."
"Six days!" I wince. "You've been gone more than a week, Peeta! You expect me to be happy about six more days without you?"
"I expect my wife to be supportive about my decision," I say, a bite to my voice. The line is silent.
"Well I'm sorry. I don't like it at all. I don't like you staying there an extra six days. And I don't like you taking such a huge risk when we have been fine so far."
"We have not been fine, Katniss," I say through gritted teeth. "Every time I wake up sweating and dazed, I hurt you. Physically and emotionally. I know I have hit you and kicked you. I can barely keep myself from wrapping my fingers around your throat. Do you know what that's like, Katniss? To want to kill the one person you love most in this world? To want nothing more than to watch the light leave their eyes? Do you know what it's like, waking up next to you and feeling happy one second and complete hatred the next? We're not fine! We will never be fine, unless I get this damn poison out of my system! We will never be happy, until all of this stops!"
I know I've gone too far. The silence on the other line confirms it. I'm breathing heavily and I run my hands through my hair in frustration. She's still silent and I sigh.
"Katniss-"
"I didn't know we were so unhappy," she says in a tiny voice. My breath catches in my throat and I shake my head.
"No, Katniss that's not what I-"
"I didn't know life was so terrible for us. We have moved on, we've helped each other so much, we've even gotten married and…stupid me, I actually thought we were very happy."
"We are, Katniss, I just-"
"Stay in the Capitol, if that's what makes you happy Peeta. Have the tests done. Take as much time as you need to be happy again. I'm sorry that your life with me just isn't what you expected."
"Katniss!" I hear the click at the end of the line and my heart is hammering in my chest. I quickly redial the number and Delly answers tentatively.
"Delly! Where is she?"
"She's gone, Peeta."
"What? Where-"
"She went flying out of here. Rory went to look for her. Do you…um, do you want me to give her a message?"
"Tell her I love her. I love her so much and my life with her is perfect. And tell her I will see her tomorrow."
"Ok, I'll…pass on the message. Bye Peeta." I drop the phone and hide my face in my shaking hands.
Fuck. I've really done it this time. I dial the house phone but of course it just rings and rings. I call Haymitch next, hoping he will go find her and keep an eye on her for me.
Of course the old drunk lets his phone ring and ring.
I throw the phone across the room and then pick up the nearest item to me and fling it into the wall. When I have thrown my pillows and clothes across the room, I collapse in a sobbing mess. I clutch my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, remembering her words.
"Katniss," I sob, just wishing she could somehow hear me. That she could feel my heart breaking and know how sorry I am.
How much I love her. Need her. Am lost without her.
Am happy with her.
"Peeta?" The door opens and Marco's head pops in. He frowns when he sees the chaos of my room and he slides in, closing the door behind him.
"Peeta, what's happened?"
"I…I made a terrible mistake with Katniss. I don't know…if she'll ever forgive me-"
"Calm down. You don't want to send yourself into an episode. Slowly tell me what happened." I quietly recount the phone conversation and when I'm finished, I look up into his eyes to find concern.
"Peeta you need to calm down. Katniss will be fine. All married couples fight."
"Not like this. You should have heard her voice, Doc. So…broken. I really hurt her."
"Yes you did. But you were upset and upset people hurt each other. She will forgive you. Deep down, she understands your desire to be normal. But if we "fix you" as Izzy calls it, then what happens when Katniss is still damaged?" I sniffle and frown up at him.
"What does that mean?"
"Exactly what I said. Katniss has always been terrified that no one needs her. After Prim's death, no one really did."
"That's a lie," I spat. "I always need her."
"Prim and her mother needed Katniss to survive. For the longest time, Katniss kept her family alive. Then you kept each other alive during the Games. You have said time and time again that you can't survive without Katniss. She has said the same thing about you. But if you are not as broken as she is, why would you stay with her?"
"Are you insane? I love her. I have always loved her. Broken or not."
"I am thinking from Katniss's perspective here, Peeta. Just bear with me. She feels guilty about your leg and your hijacking. She's convinced both are her fault."
"Which is ridiculous-"
"And she feels terrible whenever you have to comfort her after a nightmare. She feels incomplete and she doesn't feel like she is enough for you." I am stunned. Has she really told him all of this in their sessions? Or is he just that good?!
"You constantly tell her that you are broken together. She doesn't like your hijacking and she still feels guilty about it but it's what you two have in common. That you two can help each other through it all. Her nightmares and your seizures have brought you closer. When did you first feel that you were reconnecting with Katniss, after you returned to 12?"
"When I planted the primroses for her," I answer automatically.
"Is it? You didn't talk to her for a few days after that. When you did you actually feel a connection? Like she was warming up to you and accepting you again?" I'm silent as my thoughts race.
"The first night I climbed into her bed, when she was having a nightmare. Several weeks after I had found her in the woods, I started hearing her screams coming in my window. I lay awake listening, until I fell asleep and I heard her screams in my nightmares. I couldn't take it anymore. I slipped into her house one night and held her. She was tangled up in my sheets and blankets and she was sweating. I rocked her back and forth and held her to my chest. She woke up and I told her I would go back to my own house but then she asked me to stay with her, and I remembered that day at her house, when she came home injured and the peacekeepers were waiting for her and I was SO worried. I had carried her up to bed and she asked me to stay with her. And I did. I held her hand the whole time she slept and I hoped Prim didn't see the tears in my eyes. That night after Katniss's nightmare, all I could think about was that day. And how relieved I was that it wasn't lost in the hijacking. And I went back to hold her, every night, until I noticed she wasn't having them as frequently anymore. But the way she clung to my shirt and nuzzled into my chest, told me things were changing between us." Aurelius nods.
"Like it or not, her nightmares brought you closer together. And your seizures did the same thing. Katniss loves you deeply. She will never stop loving you. But she fears, if you are free of seizures and she is still stuck with nightmares, you won't need her anymore. She will be the only damaged one in the relationship and that scares her."
"Are you sure that's what she's feeling? Because that sounds pretty selfish," I say uncertainly.
"Then think of it like this. Katniss has never felt like she was enough for you. How many times has she told you to find someone prettier and less scarred? If you are free of your flashbacks, you could indeed find someone else, should you want. You are an attractive, young Victor, who could charm his way into any woman's heart. Katniss still can't believe you chose her. And if you are completely 'normal', as you call it, then that is even more reason for Katniss to doubt and wonder why you are with her. It is selfish in a way but Katniss doesn't think like that. She thinks of herself in terms of how is she helping the other person. If she doesn't think she is helping the other person, then she seeks a way to help them, whether it is a good way or not. She'll think leaving you is better for you than staying with you."
"She wants me to suffer from these flashbacks for the rest of my life?"
"Of course not Peeta. She's more terrified that the risks are too great and that you will be lost to her. She has cried and pleaded for a way to help you defeat these flashbacks. But she isn't ready to pay the price and that price is a pretty big risk. These medicines are becoming more and more advanced, Peeta. The Capitol will always be here. It may not be the right time for these tests and that's ok. Return to your wife and in a few years, you can always come back and try again." I nod and watch him rise to his feet and start to collect my clothing.
"Doc, you don't have to-"
"You should get packed quickly, Peeta. You have to catch a train very soon." He winks at me and I jump to my feet, flinging clothes into my suitcase without even folding them.
I tap my foot impatiently as the train speeds across the country. I'm grateful to Aurelius for getting me on the fastest train there is and I glance up at the clock. It is nearly three in the morning when we pull in to 12. I pay for the bags to be brought to the house in the morning and I hurry towards Victor's Village. When I enter my house, I shiver at the silence. I freeze in my tracks as I catch sight of a small object on the kitchen table. The pearl glistens in the moonlight.
Katniss's wedding ring.
My heart hammers as I take the steps two at a time and I burst into the bedroom to find the bed empty. I clutch the doorframe, telling myself to calm down and breathe.
"Ok, where could she be?" I turn and head back downstairs, out the door, and across the lawn to Katniss's old house. She never locks the door and I walk right in.
Her house is even more silent and creepy than mine. I stand in the darkness for a moment, looking around. Once my eyes have adjusted, I make my way up the stairs, wincing when the floor creaks under my feet.
Her bed is empty as well and I force myself to stay calm.
She has to be around here somewhere.
It's too cold outside and she's not stupid. She wouldn't have tried to spend the night in the woods.
Unless…
I shake myself. Rory went after her. He wouldn't have let her do anything stupid. Maybe she's at the Hawthorne's?
I turn to leave her room and that's when I notice something strange. Prim's bedroom door is ajar.
We have never opened that door. Katniss has avoided it and I'm sure there is a thick coat of dust on everything in that room because it hasn't been touched since Prim was last here. I have never let her go into that room alone and she has no reason to.
Unless she really thinks I'm just not coming back.
I push the door open and the stream of light illuminates the room.
It is neat and tidy, like Prim always was. Her bed is made and not a thing is out of place on her shelves.
Her closet door is ajar and I frown as I make my way over to it. In the darkness, I make out a shape on the closet floor, and it's shivering. I drop to my knees and pull the door open even wider so I can reach her.
The closet is too narrow for me to get into but I crawl as best I can until my hand reaches skin. She's cold to the touch, almost freezing and she's clutching a tattered blanket but she isn't wrapped up in it.
"Katniss?" She doesn't stir and I move closer. I don't know how I manage to get her out of there but it takes every ounce of strength I have in me to get her off the floor. I didn't become a Victor by chance.
I take a moment to recollect myself before I hoist her in my arms and carry her out of that frigid house.
I take her back to our house and carry her up the stairs. I notice she has rested her head on my chest and her breathing has evened out. I carry her into our bedroom and gently set her on the bed. She is wearing an odd array of things.
A pair of black pants underneath a pretty red cotton dress. She's wearing one of my white aprons, covered with flour and on top of that, her father's old hunting jacket. On her hands she wears a pair of nice white gloves that I'm sure once belonged to Prim and around her neck, a knitted green scarf that Prim made her for Christmas. Underneath the scarf, I see the gold locket I gave her glinting in the moonlight. I sigh and start to remove her clothing, as gently as I possibly can. I set the jacket, the scarf, gloves, and the dress on the dresser and decide to dress her in one of my old shirts since I don't have strength to wrestle her into much else.
She's still sleeping soundly when I've finished and I sigh as I pull off my pants and climb in behind her. I pick up her hand and gently slide the ring back onto her finger, where it belongs. I kiss her forehead and pull her into my arms. It just feels right as her head positions on my arm and she lets out a little moan. I play with her hair as I close my eyes, the words 'I love you' falling from my lips.