I wake up to warm arms and the thump thump of a steady heartbeat underneath my ear. I frown in my sleep, cursing the world for torturing me. You're still dreaming. He's not really here.
But then I feel his chest rise and fall and my head shoots up so quickly I knock him in the chin.
"Ouch!" He sits up, rubbing his chin and blinks sleepily at me. I suck in a breath at the sight of those hazy blue eyes trying to focus on me. I sit up and push out of his grasp. He sits up with me and watches me nervously. My eyes flicker downwards to my hand, where my wedding ring glows in the morning sun. I see his eyes follow mine and then we look back at each other. Did he put it back on? He must have.
I left it on the kitchen table after Rory had dragged me out of the woods. He and Haymitch sat me at the table and lectured me on how much Peeta loves me and how I always blow things way out of proportion. Haymitch took over and Rory left. There was a lot of yelling and it ended with Haymitch telling me I would never deserve him and me yanking my ring off and agreeing with him. I left it on the table and ran back to my house. I went up to Prim's room and buried myself in the covers and sobbed loud, wracking sobs that shook my entire body. I had lost everyone. Prim, my dad, my mom, Cinna, Finnick, Rue, countless souls in the Games and in the War.
And now Peeta.
I carried Prim's blankets into the closet with me and collapsed in the floor. I didn't care if no one ever found me. Let them try. No one will think to look for me here.
But it seems someone did. Someone who can always find me, who will always come after me.
I stare into his eyes and they seem more clear than they were a second ago.
"You're back," I finally say. It's the only thing I can think of. He nods.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I couldn't go another moment without telling you how much I love you. How happy you make me." He takes my hands in his and I resist from pulling away.
"Katniss, you are what keeps my heart beating and what keeps me breathing. Aside from my survival, you're my happiness too. The moment you said you would be mine forever, you made me the happiest man alive. I don't ever want you to doubt that. I just live with guilt everyday over what I have done to you. What I could potentially do to you again. I saw an opportunity to keep it from happening and I took it, without thinking of the consequences. I shouldn't have made a decision without you. You're my wife and my partner and we make decisions together. I'm sorry." He's rubbing my knuckles with his thumb and he leans toward me, pleading. His hair is mussed from sleep and I have to keep myself from reaching up to flatten his curls. I pull my hands away and rub my own arms. His gaze is boring into me and I stare down at the blankets. I notice I'm wearing one of his old shirts and it smells like him. It brings tears to my eyes.
"You hurt me," I finally tell him. I see him nod and I look back up at him. Tears are welling in his eyes.
"I know." I look back down and play with my ring. He glances down and hangs his head.
"You said you would never take it off." His voice is soft and vulnerable. It tears my heart in two.
"Haymitch told me I would never deserve you. I agree with him. This should be on someone else's finger." He yanks my hands forward and my eyes snap up to his. They are blazing with anger and love.
"It will be on your finger or no one's. Forget Haymitch. He's an old drunkard who has forgotten what love is. He doesn't understand that we would die without one another."
"I think he understands that just fine. But he also knows you are too good for me."
"Stop it," he says sharply. "We're just right for each other. And that's all we need to be. I'm yours and you're mine. Anything else is unthinkable." I look up at him quickly, shocked at his words. I remember thinking those same words so long ago, but with someone else. How much has changed, how wrong I was. How could it take me so long to realize that I need Peeta like I need air? And that he may just need me just as much.
Peeta is right. Anything else is unthinkable.
I squeeze his hands and slump my shoulders. Peeta recognizes my defeat and he pulls me forward, wrapping me in his strong arms. He kisses my forehead and I close my eyes at the feel of his lips. I tilt my face upwards, inviting him to kiss me elsewhere. He accepts my invitation and his lips meld to mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, threading my fingers in his curls. When I tug slightly, I hear him groan and feel him press against me eagerly. It's been over a week since I have had this man in my arms and my heart is racing a hundred miles a minute. I climb into his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist and I feel his hands slide under the shirt to grasp my breast. His rough hand kneads me like dough and his fingers tweak my nipple, making me arch my back and let out a deeply embarrassing moan. Peeta looks up at me, his eyes darkened with love and lust, and his hand moves down my belly, into my simple cotton panties. He leans me back so he can watch me as his fingers find my wet folds. I know he loves to watch me when I come, he's told me many times before. He's gentle and hesitant as his fingers circle around, gathering my wetness on his fingertips. I feel his finger press against my clit and my hips jerk involuntarily. I open my eyes to look at him and sure enough, he is staring right back into my eyes. He pushes two fingers inside me and I almost cry out at the sensation. It's only been a week but it feels like years. He continues to tease me, pushing his fingers in and out, his eyes boring into me. I clutch his hair as I ride his fingers, feeling my release approaching. I want to hold on longer but we haven't been apart for this long since we started being intimate. I feel myself clench around him and to my surprise, he pulls his hand away. I give him an indignant glare but he's shoving his boxer briefs down, freeing himself.
"I love it when you finish when I'm inside you," he says huskily and I gasp. He lays on his back and holds my hips as I hold my panties to the side and lower myself over him. We throw our heads back and our moans fill the air. I push his shirt up to his chin so I can rake my nails down his muscular chest. His fingertips dig into my hips and I don't care. His claim on me is worth it. I am his and he is mine. I pick up my speed, wanting my release already and he helps me move up and down. I watch him watching me as I move over him, my inner walls starting to flutter.
"I thought I'd lost you," I gasp out and his eyes widen. I freeze for a moment and grind down on him, the pressure on my clit unbelievable. I come around him and feel him release inside me only seconds later. He throws his head back onto the pillow and pants, his fingers still digging into my hips. When he comes down from his high, he sits up and holds my face in his hands.
"You will never lose me," he tells me sternly. "I will always come back to you. I'll always find you. Don't ever try to run because you know I'll keep searching for you." My eyes widen at his last statement and I shift edgily. His fingers tighten. "I'd die without you, Katniss. You know that." And then he kisses me and everything is ok. It's like his kisses revive me. He's probably taken aback that I was so…physical after such an emotional night but I'm better with actions, not words. He doesn't seem to be complaining.
He pulls out of me and I feel sticky and remember I'm still dirty from the woods yesterday. I pull my shirt over my head and see his eyes lock on my bare breasts. Smiling, I trace his jaw with my finger.
"Let's take a shower and then stay in bed all day?"
"What's the point of a shower if you're just going to get dirty again," he says slyly.
"Because I feel gross from yesterday. You can wait here, I'll just be a minute." I move from the bed and bend to take my underwear off but I feel him grab me from behind and I squeal.
"No way I'll be able to stay in bed while I'm thinking of you in that shower," I feel his hot breath on my ear. "All naked and wet and just perfect." I smirk and turn to face him, my hands sliding under his shirt and pulling it over his head. He sucks in a breath as I lower to my knees, pulling his underwear down the rest of the way and he steps out of them. I glance up at him and he is biting his lip pretty hard. Grasping his hand, I pull him into the bathroom and start the shower. Surprisingly, he doesn't try anything in here. We take our turns under the water, washing our hair and he grabs a cloth and soaps me up. I take a moment to stare at him while he is rinsing his hair, his head back and his eyes closed. Peeta has truly changed from the boy I saw in the Games so long ago. He's filled out and is so well-defined. His scars give him a sense of masculinity and the trail of blonde hair that leads from his bellybutton down to his penis makes me bite my lip eagerly. I find it strange that he has hair down here and I don't. But I notice his chest is perfectly smooth, even though he has hair elsewhere. I wonder if the prep teams did something to us. Perhaps the Capitol demands their Victor women to be bare. Just in case, you know, we survive and are made Escorts. I'm glad they didn't do the same thing to Peeta but his face and chest are still smooth like a boy's. It doesn't bother me in the slightest but I wonder if it bothers him.
Or maybe he doesn't over think everything like I do. I reach out and run my nails up his chest and see his cock jump to attention. His eyes flutter and he lifts his head to look at me for a moment. I give him a smile, which he returns, before he lowers his head back under the water again. His strong arms are over his head, rinsing his hair of shampoo. I lick my lips and lower to my knees, right in front of him. I look up and see his eyes are still closed and I smile to myself as I take him into my mouth, without any warning. Peeta's hand scrabbles at the tile wall and his knees buckle.
"Fucking hell, Katniss!" I look up at him and see him watching me with wide eyes, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip. I reach up and scratch my nails gently down his stomach and feel his flesh flinch underneath my hands. His hand wraps in my sodden hair and I feel him tug as I hollow out my cheeks.
"Oh…oh god Katniss," he stammers, his eyes slamming shut. I reach down and weigh his balls in my palm, squeezing and feeling him shudder.
"Ka-Katniss…I'm…I'm gonna…" I love how he warns me when he is about to come but it isn't necessary. It still isn't the most pleasurable thing in the world but I love to feel his cock twitching beneath my lips as I accept, and seeing him weaker than a kitten, satisfied that I'm able to make him feel this way. Peeta is so good with words but I'm usually better with showing how I feel without saying a word. He still loves to hear me tell him how much I love him, and every now and again he still has to ask if it's all real, because of what the hijacking has done to him. I feel even guiltier when I think about what it was like before the hijacking. If I hadn't played with his heart and been so cruel, he may have been able to overcome the poison because he would already know how much I love him.
He sinks down onto his little corner of the tub and clutches the side of the tub tightly. His chest moves up and down with his heavy breathing and I can practically hear his heart beating against his chest. His heart beats for me. It always has, he's told me.
When he told me he wanted to have the tests and therapy done, I was hesitant. When he told me the risks, I was adamant that he not do it. And when he told me that we wouldn't be happy until he's cured, I was heartbroken.
We manage to live semi-normally now. He occasionally has a flashback and I still sometimes wake up in sweat and tears and am calmed by his soothing caresses and his reassuring words.
We're broken for life. But it's not necessarily a bad thing anymore. We have helped each other move on and heal.
So when he told me he wasn't happy, my world was turned upside down. I thought for sure I had lost him. I told him to stay in the Capitol and I flew out of the bakery. I went straight to my woods, with Rory on my feet, begging me to come back. He didn't even know what Peeta had said to me and still, he was urging me to remember how much he loves me.
"He'd do anything for you Katniss," he pleaded. "Why can't you see that? Why do you insist on letting the Capitol win again and again?"
Haymitch wasn't much better. He grew frustrated with me quickly and threw his empty bottle down.
"Girl, you listen to me. Peeta has loved you since he was five. He has gone through hell and back for you, and he's willing to die for you. If you think for a moment that he's not happy with you, you're more stupid than I thought. And you're a smart girl, Katniss. Except when it comes to love. Except when it comes to him!"
I feel his hand on my cheek and it moves down to cup my chin.
"Where'd you go," he says softly. I blink up at him and rest my head on his knee.
"Nowhere. I've been right here the whole time."
"Maybe your body has but your mind has definitely been gone. I've been calling your name for several minutes. What's the matter?"
"Nothing. Turn off the water, it's getting cold." He reaches behind him and turns it off and I start to stand but he pulls me back down to him.
"You know I love you, right?" I nod and he kisses me. He presses his forehead to mine and sighs.
"I love you Katniss. I love you so much. I don't think I can ever say that enough."
"I love you too Peeta. I hope you never get tired of hearing that cause I will never get tired of saying it." He smiles and I swear it lights up the space around us.
"Believe me, I never could. Are you hungry? I can make us some breakfast." I nod just as my stomach starts to growl and he chuckles.
We dry off and I pull on a pair of underwear and another of his shirts. His eyes light up when he sees me step out of the closet and I smile. I know he loves to see me in his clothes. Even though it's freezing outside, he's only wearing a pair of flannel pajama pants as he takes my hand and leads me down to the kitchen. He pulls me in for a deep kiss then hoists me up onto the countertop and goes about making breakfast. I giggle as every time he completes a task, he comes back to me for a kiss. We make it a game and only when I smell the cheesebuns baking, I yank him forward between my legs, wrapping them around his waist to hold him in place, and suck at his neck. He gasps and moans my name, while I reach around and grab his perfect ass.
"God Katniss, we are never leaving this house again." I laugh against his skin.
"I think we will have to eventually. You have to go back to the bakery and I have responsibilities at the orphanage. Plus, you know, we need groceries and necessities to live." He shrugs.
"Nuances. We were in the Hunger Games. We can survive without those things." I can't help but roll my eyes.
"Just because you won two Hunger Games, you think you can survive without toilet paper for the rest of your life?" He grins and nuzzles my cheek.
"I can do without the toilet paper but I know you would be lost if I didn't go get more supplies to make cheesebuns." I stick my tongue out at him, which is a mistake, because he leans forward and gently bites it. But his tongue is lapping at my lips until I open my mouth and let him in. I hear my stomach growl again and I pull away, eliciting a whine of protest from him.
"Feed me first," I say, poking his nose. He grins and kisses my palm before he helps me down from the counter and pulls me toward the table. I sit while he takes the cheesebuns out of the oven, then fixes us a bowl of fruit to share. He's even cooked some meat to go with the buns. As he comes back to the table, I notice he has almost no limp at all. I suddenly feel selfish and terrible for not thinking about the whole reason he had to leave me.
"Peeta! Your new leg!"
"What about it?"
"Let me see!" He chuckles and pulls his pant leg up a little, glancing at me for my reaction. I have to admit, it looks very real! It's no longer the clunky metal with a clasp but flesh-colored and it even has hair. It looks just like his other leg and I reach out to touch it but draw back. He smiles kindly and takes my hand.
"You can touch, if you want to. You never need permission to touch me, Katniss." I run my hand down the leg and gasp. He nods and his eyes are sparkling.
"Pretty neat, huh?"
"That's amazing, Peeta. And no more pain?"
"Izzy did wonders with the therapy. I feel great."
"Peeta, that's wonderful." He smiles as he sits across from me for breakfast. He hands me the basket of cheesebuns and I eagerly grab one and bite into it. He shakes his head at me, a broad smile on his face and I shrug. Maybe we'll be ok after all.