The next morning at 1 I snuck back into my house. It was finally quiet; the lights in the house were dim because Dad and Ashley both knew I had a fear of the dark. The house seemed vast, empty. Not somewhere I didn't want to come home to but then again I didn't have much of a choice. I knew that my parents and Ashley were asleep.

I closed and locked the door behind me, then crept up the stairs and into my room. I heard Ashley's quiet breathing.

"Ashley," I whispered; "I'm back."

Even though I knew she was in the warm comforting land of sleep and therefore wouldn't hear me. But I still felt like letting someone know. I wanted to draw comfort in someone even if they were asleep.

Once in my room I set my key down on the dark wood table against one of the walls and glanced over at the moon nightlight my dad had given me when I was little; and smiled. He told me that he loved the moon and frequently drew comfort from it, something for me to always remember. Despite everything he could be a very sweet, kind guy.

I changed out of my clothes and into my black fleece robe, padding down the hall in my bare feet to my bathroom, flipping the light on and closing the door. The room was flooded with light and everything was strangely quiet. I leaned over and drew hot water into the white bathtub from the silver faucet. I stripped down out of my robe and stepped into the water as it filled the tub, letting the steam rise around me. With my right hand I pushed the razor blade that was on the side of the tub into the water letting it sink to the bottom. My parents each had their own bathroom and their was one for guests as well.

After about a minute I turned the hot water down and turned the cold water on. I took the razor out of the water and held my left wrist under the water and cut. It stung but I was used to the pain by now. I let the razor slip back into the bathtub water, turned off the faucets and slipped down into the water myself.

5 minutes later I thought I heard something. I slipped out from beneath the water and discovered I was right; my dad was knocking on the door.

"Lily," he called.

He knocked 3 times more then started pounding.

"Lily I don't have time for this now open the door!" he yelled.

I swallowed.

"Ok Dad. Hold on."

"Ok."

I got out of the tub, pulling the drain up.

"Thank god you're alive," I heard dad whisper.

I wondered if he thought I would try to kill myself; it certainly wouldn't be the first time.

"Lily?" Dad asked.

"Yeah I'm coming. Hold on."

"Ok," then, more softly, "ok."

I picked up my black fleece robe from where I had left it on the bathroom floor and tied it around me, and got the gauze pads, rolls and medical tape out from their spot in the drawer under the sink and medicine cabinet.

"Lily," Dad said.

"Yeah I'm coming," I acknowledged.

Dad didn't say anything that time.

I stuck my right wrist in the sink so I wouldn't bleed anymore on the floor than I had already and with my left hand opened the door.

"Lily," Dad asked when he saw me; "where were you?"

"Out. I told Ashley to tell ……….."

"Yeah she did. But I didn't know where out was."

I nodded.

"Where's mom?" I asked.

"At work."

"At this hour?"

"Well that's where she said was going."

"Oh."

"You could've called."

"I didn't have a phone!"

"Well next time take yours with you."

"Ok. I will."

"Lily you know I worry about you."

"Yeah I know and I'd prefer it if you…………"

"Hey. Don't ever say that. You've no idea……."

"How lucky I am? Yeah I know."

"And what in hell happened to your……….oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Oh Lily," Dad said.

His face and body fell when he saw my wrist. He had seen blood before but I think it was too much for him to take in at once.

I looked up at him; "Dad?" I asked; "you ok?"

"I I need to sit down. But first I…………I need to help you."

I opened the door wider and guided him into the bathroom and onto the toilet, where he sat down. The toilet and the tub were the only places to sit down in the bathroom. I closed the door and filled a small paper cup with water which I then brought over my dad.

"Sorry I know it's a small cup. And that I'm bleeding on the floor."

"It's ok; any water will do. And keep your hand, arm, whatever in the sink. Until I…………."

"Ok."

I put my arm in the sink, where it continued bleeding. I put a gauze pad between my teeth to attempt to open it which proved to be very difficult. Dad sipped from the small paper cup and then threw it in the trash. He stood up and moved over to the sink where I was.

"Here. Let me," he said.

I nodded; "ok."

He opened the drawer under the sink and took out a package containing a gauze pad, unwrapping it and pressing it to my wrist. I turned my head to the left, where I spit out the gauze pad package I had tried to open. I would take care of that trash later along with the bathroom floor.

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"It's ok. What happened? Er I mean……….."

"It was just too much. You, Mom, the cold………."

"I know how that can be."

My dad smelled mostly of smoke.

"You been smoking?" I asked.

He nodded, slowly wrapping some gauze around my wrist, where he nimbly tied it.

"Sorry hon. I know it's not setting a very good example for you………….."

"Well, you're right. It's not. But we all have our little habits."

"Yeah. We do. And right now, it's not the most important thing."

"You're right; its not."

"Hey Dad?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to try and get some sleep, if only for a few hours."

"Sounds like a good idea."

"Yeah."

"That goes for the both of us. Ok well let me know if you need anything."

"I will Dad. I will."

"Goodnite Lily."

"Goodnite."

We both walked down the hall to our separate bedrooms. I immediately fell asleep.