I'm making my way into my dark house, calling Katniss's name. I don't understand. Didn't I just do this? Is this déjà vu or something? I stop in the doorway, seeing Katniss's ring on the tabletop. No. I already put it back on her finger. What is going on?
I run upstairs and search our bedroom. Nothing. Wait. I know where she is. I'm down the stairs and out the door, running to her house. The door is locked, which I find strange. I go round to the backdoor and find it locked. Frustrated, I bang on the door and wait. Nothing. I feel a growing sense of panic and I pick up a rock and throw it through the window. I'll fix it later. Right now, all I care about is finding Katniss.
I climb through the window, careful to avoid the shards of glass everywhere, and I walk through the living room. I hate the feeling of this house. It's even worse than when I moved Katniss over to my place. I head straight upstairs and don't even go into her bedroom. I open Prim's door and peer inside. The closet door is ajar. I walk over to it and pull it open. As the light from the hallway streams in, I fall backwards, horrified and gasping.
The dark figure is not moving. She's curled up against the wall, her knees pulled into her chest. Her face is sunken in, almost a skeleton.
Her eyes are wide and blank. Lifeless.
I fall to my knees and crawl over to her, reaching out a trembling hand.
"Katniss?" When she doesn't answer, I pull her into my arms and tremble at how cold she is. She's stiff and unmoving. I lower my hand to her chest and cry out when I feel nothing.
Emptiness.
She can't be…she CAN'T be! I wasn't gone long. I came back as soon as I could. Haymitch wouldn't have let it gone so long before he checked on her.
What if he couldn't find her? What if she didn't want to be found?
What if she wanted to die? Because of what I said to her? Because I basically told her I'm unhappy. Lied to her about how miserable I am.
I have to move. I have to do something. I have to…
I lay down next to her, wishing for death to take me swiftly so I can join her once again.
When I wake up, I feel her breath on my neck and I lean up to look down. When I realize that she's here and healthy and alive, I bolt upwards and pull her close to my chest. My tears wet her hair and I feel her arms wrap around my arms.
"Shh, Peeta. It's ok. You're ok."
"You're ok," I sob. "You're alive."
"I'm ok," she reassures me. "Nothing's happened." She sounds tired and weak and I have to pull her backwards so I can study her. Her eyes blink sleepily but there's life in her cheeks, her grey eyes shine with love, and traces of a smile linger at her mouth. She reaches out and strokes my cheek and I nuzzle against her palm.
"We're both ok," she whispers. "We're safe."
"Katniss." I break down and sob, clutching her to me. She allows me to hold her for as long as I need and I'm grateful for that. As many times as I cried for her during my captivity in the Capitol, wishing I could just hold her one more time, and now I can do it whenever I want to. She moves up so she is holding me in her lap and my head rests against her stomach. Her fingers curl in my hair and she plants warm kisses on my forehead. I can't believe how stupid I am. I could have lost her. I could have driven her over the edge and if she wasn't so strong, I could have come home to find a corpse, murdered by my own hurtful words.
"Sing to me Katniss," I plead and she is quiet for a moment before she obeys. She sings me a lullaby her father used to sing to her and Prim, one that she sang to me while I was in the Capitol and we fell asleep on the phone every night. I fall asleep to her singing and caresses and am not disturbed by any more nightmares.
As Winter starts to leave the district, Katniss and I find ourselves really busy and I'm not seeing her as much. I arrive at the bakery before everyone else and leave after everyone has gone home. She comes to help every now and again but she mostly spends her time at the orphanage, or hunting for the orphanage. As Christmas returned to Panem, so did many other holidays that were lost in the Dark Days. Valentines Day is another one that people are anxious to celebrate and even though I think it's dumb to celebrate it with little cherubs with arrows, or the most sickeningly pink hearts one could find, I like that the day celebrates love. Delly and Cora take it upon themselves to decorate the bakery. I nearly gag when I come in that week and see all of the pink and frills. Beside me, Rory turns quite pale.
"Oh Peeta, don't you love it," Delly squeals. My eyes travel around the room and I wonder what Katniss will say when she sees all of this. Thank god my girl isn't into all of this frilly stuff.
"When did we decide to change the colors of the bakery," Riley asks as he comes in and makes himself known. I shake my head, too sickened to speak. Cora and Delly are overcome with giggles.
Despite the frills and the pink hearts, Katniss and I really enjoy the day together. It's a busy day for the bakery but I make a special red velvet cake shaped like a heart and I paint our names with an arrow piercing the heart. Appropriate, I think. Even though I'm exhausted when I get home, we make love until the sun comes up and I fall asleep to my wife's 'I love you's' in my ear.
Around the end of February, I get a phone call from the president.
Delly comes to the front of the bakery, wringing her hands nervously.
"Peeta, there's a phone call for you."
"Do you know who it is? I need to finish cleaning this case before-"
"It's President Paylor." Rory and Riley both look up, their eyes wide and I take a deep breath before going to answer it. I don't know why I'm so nervous. She calls Katniss and me every now and again to check on us and see if there is anything she can do for us. It's because of her that we still get our Victor wages. After the Games, I thought Victors would stop getting paid but she assured us she would see to it that we would still get all of our money.
I go into my office and close the door.
"Hello Madame President," I greet her.
"Peeta, you sound wonderful! How have you been?"
"I'm doing well, thank you."
"Good, good. And Katniss? How is our Mockingjay?"
"She's great. She's been volunteering her time at the orphanage a lot lately. She told me to tell you thank you for building that extra wing. The kids are very comfortable and she says some of them are very happy."
"I'm glad to hear it. It's wonderful to see her taking such an interest. Peeta, I was hoping you and Katniss could help me with a project this year." I grip the phone, already feeling tense.
"As you know, Reaping Day is in April and after that, we will be celebrating the 2 year anniversary of the end of the Hunger Games." I don't mention how we very nearly had a final Hunger Games under Coin's rule. By popular vote. I try to forget that Katniss voted yes on that atrocity.
I shake myself and focus on Paylor's words.
"…come to the Capitol and pay your respects and perhaps make a speech about the fall of the Games?"
"Wait. You want me to come by myself?"
"I would make sure Katniss has temporary leave." My temper is rising.
"You can give temporary leave for a speech but not when her husband has to go to the Capitol for therapy?" The line is silent.
"Peeta, Panem still needs to see that everyone is healing. You and Katniss are national symbols. It would be wonderful to have everyone's support on this." This says Plutarch Heavensbee all over it. Paylor doesn't strike me as the kind of woman to encourage Victors to come out of their quiet lives for publicity.
"I'm sorry Madame President. Katniss and I are going to be 4 during that time. We've planned our honeymoon for then." Well, guess I have to tell Katniss that we are going on our honeymoon in less than two months. I hear her sigh deeply.
"Very well, Peeta. But I'd like for you to consider this. Next year, we will have a memorial completed and are working on building memorials in every district. By the five year anniversary, we expect to have all memorials completed and are expecting a huge celebration in the Capitol. I want you and Katniss there. I'm not Snow so I won't order for you to come but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have as many Victors as possible. And know that it's not just about Victors. As I said, you and Katniss are still national symbols. And I fought alongside Katniss in District 8. I highly respect and admire her. Please remember that." She says her goodbyes and hangs up. I stare at the phone, stunned. Why didn't Katniss tell me that? Granted, I may have known in 13 but I was still fighting the effects of the tracker-jacker venom and wouldn't have paid a lot of attention. Wondering if Gale ever told Rory about it, I decide to ask him before I ask Katniss.
I find him kneading dough in the kitchen and I watch him for a moment. He glances up at me quickly and his mouth thins.
"You make me nervous when you do that."
"Sorry," I can't help but laugh. "My father used to do it to us all the time. Made me paranoid too. Rory, can I ask you a question?"
"I can't stay late tonight Peeta. I'm taking a pretty girl out to dinner."
"Well that's great but that's not what I was going to ask you."
"Oh." He's beet red and I grin. He is like my little brother in a lot of ways. And I was always the youngest so it's nice to act like the big brother for once.
"Did your brother ever tell you about fighting in the Rebellion?" His lips thin even more and he doesn't look at me.
"You mean bragged about it?"
"Um…well, I just mean, I'm curious about his time alongside Katniss and the other rebels. I don't remember a lot because I was in 13, getting better. Do you know about it?"
"Are you asking me if Gale and Katniss…did anything?" I feel a pain in my head and I shake it away quickly.
"No that's not what I mean. Did Gale ever tell you about actually fighting? His position on the squad? What he did in District 8?"
"Not really. He likes to brag about being the Mockingjay's protection most of the time and how he fought alongside her when she went to 8 and the hospital was attacked. But he doesn't tell us much. He's pretty proud of himself, though. I'd expected him to feel guiltier about those bombs. He practically blew up his own sister." I tense at his icy tone and remember how close Rory and Prim were in age. Had there been something between them? I don't want to ask. I'm not sure if I want to know. But when I see Rory's eyes start to glisten, I know they were close. I turn away to give him privacy and out of the corner of my eye, I see him wipe his face.
"I'd just like to find out more about what Katniss did during the War," I say quietly. "I already know my wife is pretty damn amazing. I'd just like to know what the rest of Panem knows. Since I missed most of it."
"Does it matter," Cora says as she surprises us both, a mixing bowl in her arms. "You and Katniss did wondrous things for Panem. Does it really matter the details of those wondrous things?" I shrug nonchalantly.
"Well, not really but I'd just like to know. We don't talk about the War much but when we see strangers on the street, they run up to us and thank us for what we've done. I don't really think I've done a whole lot. I know Katniss was filming propos and visiting wounded soldiers before I was even rescued. She hasn't told me about those times though." I decide to drop it. Everyone insists that it doesn't matter but they fail to see that it does, in fact, matter to me. I shake my head and am about to open the door when Cora speaks again.
"I remember watching on TV…when Katniss's propo in District 8 came on," she says softly. I turn to look at her and see a faraway look in her eyes. It then occurs to me that I don't know a whole lot about my employees. Where they came from, their history from the War.
"I grew up in District 6. My brother wanted to fight but my parents said he was too young. He left anyway. When we got word from him, he was in District 8. That was the last we heard from him." I swallow and Rory looks pale. Cora is staring at the floor.
"The Capitol attacked 8 and there were so many casualties. Carlo sent us word that he was in the hospital in 8, with shrapnel in his leg. He said he was afraid they were going to have to take it off but he said, then he would be just like Mr. Peeta Mellark and that would make everything better," she smiles at me and I blush. "We were watching the holo when news came that the Mockingjay had landed in 8 and was visiting the hospital. I was giddy because Carlo had always wanted to meet her. And I thought, maybe finally he would. And we watched live feed as she entered that hospital with her head held high and she told everyone she would join the fight. People asked about you of course. They asked about…the baby," I gulp and feel my heart quicken. She gives me a sympathetic look before she continues. "The feed shut off. My family started to go about their day. And then, later on, the holo showed us images of the burning hospital. The Capitol had found out that Katniss was there and they killed everyone inside. And we watched while Katniss shot down the Capitol hovercrafts. And that was when she had truly embraced the role of the Mockingjay. Fire is catching and if we burn, you burn with us, she said. And the pain of the loss of my brother faded slightly because I knew the rebels would win. If anyone saw that propo with Katniss's fierce eyes, they knew the Capitol was doomed." The kitchen is silent. The door opens and Dane comes in, immediately sensing the tension. His eyes flicker over the three of us, and land on his wife.
"Babe?" She sniffles and walks into his arms. He holds her and strokes her hair, casting me a confused look. I mutter that I need to leave and I will be back later.
I walk home quickly, my head lowered and my eyes straight ahead. It's still rather cold so I have my hands stuffed in my pockets. When I reach the house, I call for Katniss but am not surprised that she doesn't answer. She'll be at the orphanage for another couple of hours, working on the new children's wing.
I fetch our memory book from the bookshelf and flip through it. I've illustrated each and every page but I feel like she would have written something about the hospital in District 8. I find nothing. Confused, I slam it shut and rest my chin on my hands.
About an hour later, I hear the door open and I'm still sitting in the same spot. Katniss comes into the kitchen and stops at the sight of me.
"You're home early," she says as she moves toward me but then I guess she sees something that makes her pause. "Peeta? What's wrong?"
"Why don't I know about the hospital in 8," I say quietly and her eyes widen.
"What?"
"The hospital. You shooting down the hovercrafts. Why don't I know anything about it?" She stares me, maybe trying to figure me out. She may think I'm having a flashback, I don't know.
"Peeta, what-"
"Tell me, Katniss. I want to know everything. Everything I missed when I was in the Capitol." She lowers to a chair and her hands rest on the table. I reach over and take one into my own. I feel her trembling and I rub my thumb across her knuckles soothingly.
"I didn't mean to alarm you. I just find that I missed a lot, while I was in the Capitol and then in 13. I still don't know a whole lot about the War and I'd just like to know what you did, how you were so heroic."
"I'm not the hero, Peeta," she says softly. "You and Finnick and Cinna and Boggs and Jackson and Castor…you all are the heroes, not me."
"Humor me then," I say, pulling her toward me. "Tell me about it and I'll be the judge of your heroism. Other people may tell me but I want to hear your side of it." She takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. Her eyes are like a raging thunder storm. I wipe a tear from her cheek and take her other hand so I am holding them both. In a quiet voice, she tells me about how she refused to be the Mockingjay, until she realized that she could try to save me and Johanna and Annie. She agreed to be their Mockingjay if Coin agreed to rescue us and pardon us for our crimes against the rebels. I vaguely remember worrying about that. My first propo, then they told me what to say, I wondered what Katniss would think and if she would believe I was a traitor. Even though we didn't know of a rebel plan, I knew Katniss would do everything in her power to take down the Capitol. I just didn't realize the extent of it.
"So what made you agree to it," I ask her. "I mean, you said you agreed if Coin agreed to rescue us but what made you actually accept her offer?"
"Honestly, it was your propo. When I saw how the Capitol was using you, I knew I had to do everything I could to get you out of there. But it was also the worry of what 13 would do to you when you were rescued. You were considered a traitor to the rebellion. Coin would have rescued you and executed you. Prim made me realize how important I was to Coin and that I could pretty much demand whatever I wanted. So I demanded your freedom, as well as the rest of the Victors. Coin agreed to my demands and made the announcement public. She made it clear, if I failed to fulfill my Mockingjay duties, the agreement would be void, which is why I fought so hard to stay alive. I knew if I died, you, Johanna, and Annie would die as well." I listen to her intently, as she continues on. She tells me about her miserable attempts at a propo "seriously Peeta, I was worse than my Games interviews!" and how Haymitch suggested that she needed to be amidst the fighting for it to be real to her. She was sent to 8, with soldiers and Cressida's team, and that's where she met Paylor. She went into the hospital and talked to many of the wounded. I don't mention Cora's brother. The way Katniss is talking, she tried to speak to everyone in there. She tells me people asked about me and if I was ok. They asked about the baby and she told them she had lost it in the explosion in the arena. My throat tightens a little. I knew most of 13 didn't believe those lies I had told. But most of Panem believed it and I always wondered what they had been told, when it was clear that Katniss was no longer pregnant.
When she gets to the part about the Capitol bombing the hospital, she starts to tear up and she looks angry. I squeeze her hands, soothing her with my touches. She goes on, telling about how she and Gale shot down the hovercrafts and Katniss made her propo, announcing that she had a message for Snow. They didn't let us see those propos but I would have given anything to see Katniss screaming at Snow in front of a burning hovercraft. I bet she was beautiful and terrible and something to behold. She goes on to tell me about when they saw my final propo, my warning to 13. She stops for a moment, the tears and memories too much, and I pull her to my chest and hold her. She pulls back and leans against the chair, ready to continue. She talks about the night of the bombing, after my warning. She chokes up again and I wait for her to calm down. It takes longer this time.
"I refused to do any more propos for them," she says, her red eyes on the table. "I realized that Snow was taking it all out on you. He tortured you to punish me. I discovered I couldn't be the mockingjay because you were being tortured because of me."
"Katniss-" I try to pacify her, as I usually do but she's not having it. She shakes her head and takes several deep breaths.
"After that, we agreed to let Cressida interview us, Finnick and me. It was a diversion so that Snow would be focused on us while the rescue squad got you and the others out. Cressida asked me about loving you and I just cried and cried. Finnick took over and revealed everything that Snow had done to him. I listened in horror but I was waiting for news of you and Gale. I was so scared. So terrified that I would lose you both that night." I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment before I gesture for her to continue.
I told her I wanted to hear all of it and she is obeying my wishes. We sort of skim over my rescue and my attempt on her life. We both know about it, and neither of us want to dwell on it. She does tell me how she hid in ventilator shafts and closets so no one, not even Haymitch, could find her. She hid from the world, with the pearl between her fingers, her thoughts focused on me. The air is thick with tension as she talks about how she waited behind the glass with Haymitch when they brought Delly in to see me. She falls silent for a moment but I see the pain in her eyes. I remember the terrible things I screamed about Katniss being a mutt, and how I had truly believed that she was not the Katniss I had once loved. During my torture, they made it clear that she had been killed. Whether by the Capitol or by rebels, she had died and they had created a mutt version of her to keep the districts on the rebels' side. They had told me I had to kill her, or she would kill me and everyone I loved.
My hands start to shake and Katniss notices. She falls silent and her lips tighten.
"Peeta, we don't have to do this. This isn't good for you."
"I'm fine," I say quickly. She looks unconvinced so I take her hand and kiss her palm. I see hr relax slightly and I nod.
"Go on."
After I tried to kill her, she begged to be sent away. I don't mention how angry this still makes me. I understand how difficult it was for her but I still feel like she just gave up on me. But with the tears in her eyes, I also see guilt and I have a feeling she already thinks of that. She definitely doesn't dwell on it. She tells me about going to 2 and learning about Gale's designs. She chokes up here too. Not that I'm surprised. Those traps took her sister's life and they were designed by her best friend. I can't imagine how hard that is to live with. I think around that time, I was getting better and making progress with Delly. When she tells me she was shot in 2, I'm shocked. Why don't I remember that?
"Haymitch made you give a speech out in the open like that?"
"He didn't like it but he thought I could get them to surrender and save a lot of lives. It was a good plan but I'm still terrible at speeches. And this man had his gun aimed at me and so guns were up all around us and I still don't know who was on whose side. But I watched myself get shot on TV. Cinna's suit protected me but my spleen was ruptured. I was sore for weeks." She swallows and runs her fingers along my palm.
"I remembered something, when I was in the hospital. I remembered that day…you remember when I came home from the woods and peacekeepers were in the house? You and Haymitch covered for me but I had hurt my foot?"
"How could I forget," I say, a little gruffly. "You had us all worried sick."
"Sorry," she says meekly. My face softens and I squeeze her hand.
"I was just…so scared. I thought you had left without telling me."
"I'd never leave you behind," she tells me and I see the truth in her eyes. Even though she didn't know how she felt about me, she still would have taken me with her, had I chosen to go. I clear my throat and nod.
"Anyway, you were saying?"
"Yeah, um…I remembered that day, how you carried me up to my room and then asked you to stay with me. I was drifting off due to the sleep syrup and you told me 'always'. That memory and that word just stuck with me when I woke up in the hospital in 13. Then Jo came in and stole my morphling." I snort. Yep, sounds like Johanna. She looks up at me and I'm lost in those seas of grey.
"Then came the wedding," she says quietly. I swallow again, knowing where this is going. Finnick's and Annie's wedding. I had been ecstatic when Finnick told me that he had proposed and he asked me to make the cake. They let me use the kitchens to make it and I was extremely proud of it. I didn't get to attend the wedding because I was still in restraints but I remember asking if I could see her. Haymitch and Johanna and Annie and Finnick and Prim and even Coin had been to see me but I never saw Katniss.
Until that night.
My heart races as our eyes meet. I'm hoping she doesn't go into this either. I remember that night. I remember what I said to her. How much I hurt her. As if my fingers closing around her throat hadn't hurt her enough, I had to go on insulting her. She's the first one to break eye contact and she looks down.
"I never apologized for that night," she says quietly. I frown.
"Why would you apologize?"
"Because I shouldn't have…I was so angry, Peeta. I let your insults get to me and I took them personally. I didn't even think about the fact that it wasn't really you. I was terrible and I abandoned you, so many times. Forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me if I were you but I hope you can…" she trails off and sobs and I push the chair back and kneel on the floor in front of her. Looking up at her, I take her face in my hands and make her look at me.
"Katniss, we did and said so many things that I wish we could take back. Don't dwell on them, love. Things worked out in the end. Even though there are lots of things we wish we could change, we found each other in the end. That's all that matters, ok?" She nods weakly and sniffles as I wipe her tears with my thumb. I lean up to kiss her and she wraps her arms around my neck. I break our kiss but continue to hold her and she relaxes in my embrace.
"Ok. Skip over that night," I say quietly and she smiles weakly.
"What else do you want to know? You started to get better after that. And you joined the star squad not long after. The rest, well, you were there." I nod. I would like to ask her more about the star squad but I remember her hurtful words when I arrived at camp and have to remind myself, she thought I was gone for good.
Why did she give up on me so easily? If she really loved me, why was she so willing to let me go?
If our roles had been reversed…
Stop it. Stop it! Don't think about it. It's over. It doesn't matter. Not anymore.
Katniss seems to sense my battle with myself and she pulls my head to her chest. I wrap my arms around her waist and her chin rests on my head.
"I love you so much," she whispers as she strokes my hair and I close my eyes.
"Real," I whisper. "I love you too, Katniss."
We hold each other for a little while until I bring up Paylor's phone call. She leans back and studies me.
"Is that what this was all about? Paylor talked about something and you wanted to hear it from me?"
"Sort of," I confess. "She talked about how much she respects and admires you and that she fought alongside you. I realized then that I didn't know the details of the rebellion. Just what the Capitol showed us and you know most of that probably wasn't true. I just wanted to hear your side of the whole thing. I'm sorry I pried."
"Peeta, you're my husband. You can ask me anything," she says patiently and I have to smile.
"Well, Paylor asked us to come to the Capitol for the anniversary of the end of the Games. But," I cut her off as I see her reacting immediately, "I told her we would be on our honeymoon." Her eyes widen and she actually looks excited.
"Really?"
"Guess we need to get on the phone with Annie and start planning. We can go in April, so we have something to celebrate and be happy about instead of dwelling on the terror." She flings her arms around me and I grin.
"I love you," she says as her cheek is pressed to mine. I kiss her hair and smile.
"I love you too. Now I really need to get back to the bakery." She glances up at the clock and frowns.
"It's about to close."
"I know. I told them I would be back to finish the orders later, because I left early. I don't want them to have to stay late. You could come with me, if you don't want me to be alone?" She tries to hide her smile.
"Fine but if you get frosting on me again, you're dead."