The Call Marnie Can't Ignore

30 Bloomingtide, 9:41 Dragon

That first night as we traveled back from Adamant, I was sitting and staring at the fire when Cullen tapped me on the shoulder.

"Inquisitor, a moment?"

I stood and he motioned that I follow him. We stopped at the edge of the campsite and I looked at Cullen, expecting the somber countenance that typically followed when he called me Inquisitor instead of Marnie, but his expression was one of friendly concern. He looked into my eyes and said softly, "You did the right thing, both with the Wardens and with Blackwall. Know that and remember it."

I gave him a weak smile, but nodded. "Thank you, Cullen. Coming from you that means a lot."

He put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a friendly squeeze. "Aside from Alistair and Varric, I am the only one here who knows just how much you tend to blame yourself. You have no blame in this. You made your decisions as you make all your decisions, with thought and wisdom."

2 Justinian, 9:41 Dragon

When we returned to Skyhold we held a memorial for Blackwall. We were going to use the tavern, but there were too many people wanting to attend. Somehow Josie cleared the great hall of the masked Orlesians that are always milling about. With all the ale we could drink, we settled in and got comfortably tipsy, then I spoke briefly. I asked everyone who felt comfortable in doing so to share their memories of Blackwall, so we could celebrate what he meant to us, his Inquisition family.

Many spoke of the deference he showed to all the women at Skyhold be they a servant or a noble, maid or matron. Parents mentioned how his calm voice quieted the crankiest child and the toys he made—the griffin rocking "horses" are treasured possessions.

Later, when we were deep into our cups, was when the more ribald stories were told. Varric told one that was very recent (soon after Blackwall's Joining). We had returned from the Hinterlands after killing a Ferelden Frostback (nasty damn dragon). It was Blackwall's first dragon kill with Bull in the group, so of course Bull made Blackwall drink the "traditional" post-dragon celebratory drink. I have no idea what's in it, I could only take a sip. Ali had tasted it once and said he would rather drink darkspawn blood.

Apparently, Bull underestimated just how high an alcohol tolerance wardens have, compounded by what I knew to be Blackwall's already abnormally high alcohol tolerance. As Varric recounted it, Blackwall drank Bull under the table…literally. Bull tried to stand and in the process, he passed out, sliding on to the floor under the table.

Blackwall proceeded to sit under the table next to Bull's prone body. He finished his drink then promptly passed out, too. People very wisely gave that table a wide berth.

Varric said it was about two hours later when Sera came in on the way to her room, that she saw the two passed out. For reasons only Sera knows, she crawled under the table and braided Blackwall's hair on to one of Bull's horns and then left the Tavern. Varric thought that was all she planned on doing. But alas, this is Sera we're talking about.

She returned with some of that "stinky cheese Golden Boy likes" and gently smeared it onto Bull's hand. Then she took out a feather and tickled his nose and Bull reflexively slapped at his face. Apparently, the smell of the cheese was strong enough to wake him up. Bellowing, he sat up quickly, pulling up Blackwall's head with him. While Blackwall was yelling about his hair, Bull passed out, dragging Blackwall back down. Blackwall tried to move, but passed back out, too. Varric left the tavern after that. In the morning, they were gone and no one saw either of them until that afternoon. Bull looked worse for wear, but Blackwall was his usual self.

We all laughed until our sides hurt. Bull looked at Ali and me. "Boss, tell me you don't let him kiss you after eating that shit?"

I laughed and told Bull that I don't let him near me after he's eaten that particularly awful cheese.

~oOOo~

"I really have no idea how you can eat that."

"It's easy: I spread it on bread, take a bite, chew, and swallow."

Marnie hit him with a pillow. "But the smell! It managed to wake Bull out of drunken stupor, even if only for a few moments."

"I keep telling you: it doesn't taste like it smells. The taste is actually rather delicate. You should really try it some time."

"I think I'd rather drink Bull's post-dragon grog."

~oOOo~

4 Justinian

9:41

I don't know if I should be relieved or scared by how well Marnie and Morrigan get along. Not that Marnie is hard to get along with, but Morrigan? I was getting a book from the library and Morrigan and Marnie were in one of the nooks between the bookcases. They started to laugh and then stopped as soon as Marnie saw me. She didn't even look guilty at being caught. Then again, maybe they weren't laughing at me...Just wait until Marnie comes back to our quarters tonight, she'll tell me all about it…

Yes, I'm grinning.

30 Justinian, 9:41 Dragon

Since we've returned from Adamant it has been nearly impossible to write. Being Inquisitor has become much more complicated as we closed in on Corypheus or C (I see no need to keep spelling out his name). Couple that with being a wife and mother...there simply are not enough hours in a day.

Morrigan and I work well together, much to Ali's chagrin. I may have an advantage, and not just because she's in a relationship with my cousin (although, if their relationship is a permanent as it appears then Ali and I will be Morrigan's cousins-in-law). I also have an advantage because Ali and Leliana have told me much about their time with Morrigan. For example, I already know she's proud, doesn't like to trust, and has a distinct disdain for sentimentality (although Edwin has made in-roads on that).

Morrigan has experience and knowledge I lack, and I am better at connecting the dots and thinking creatively, so we are a good team. According to Morrigan, I make better use of her contributions than Celene ever did. It's a little strange though—all those in my inner circle have become my friends. Even Vivienne and I are friends – not close friends, like Varric and Dorian, but friends nonetheless. I know Morrigan at least tolerates me, which is fine, but I doubt and I will ever be close, especially as Ali does not like her, at all.

Of course, there's Solas. I get along with him, but deep down I am disquieted. Tomorrow, I'm meeting with Morrigan and I am going to tell her all that I know about him. I want to know what she thinks. I've collected the various notes I made on Solas to write them here so they are in one place. I should probably burn the notes afterwards.

To tell Morrigan:
~ Solas knew how to use the mark.
~ Solas means "pride".
~ His necklace is the jawbone of a wolf.
~ Solas' knowledge of the Fade is unusually vast.
~ He knew the artifact (orb) was elven even before we knew what exactly the anchor was (In fact, he knows a surprising amount about ancient elven artifacts)

He has an odd attitude towards elves: He thinks as poorly of all Thedosian Elves as the Dalish do of Alienage Elves.

Then there was that time just before we left for Adamant, I was looking for Cole and found him talking to Solas. As I approached, I couldn't help but overhear Cole saying something about Solas not doing something to be right but to save them. Naturally, I asked and Solas talked about errors made, and I remember this very clearly: "…by a much younger elf who was who was certain he knew everything." I told Cole to find me later so we could talk. As I walked away I heard Cole say, "You weren't wrong, though." Clearly, Solas was the younger elf in that set up.

I trust Solas as far as defeating C and to that end I do trust him with my life. For now.

1 Solace, 9:41 Dragon

Morrigan and I talked for a long time yesterday about Solas. She is just as suspicious of him as I am. Morrigan believes he is a far more powerful mage than he lets on. She said he "felt" a lot like her mother. That is not a comforting thought.

We both decided to let Cullen and Leliana know about our suspicions, but no one else, which is hard because I tell Ali everything. Right now, however, the fewer people who know, the less likely it is Solas will suspect my distrust. Morrigan agrees that he genuinely wants C dead, so we can put our "trust" in him, for now. If that changes I will not hesitate to tell everyone and hang the consequences. That is why I am not telling Cass, because when my party includes Cass it usually includes Solas. I made the mistake of taking Cass and Dorian once...I was ready to kill them both by the second night.

Figuring the right teams for the various treks across Orlais and Ferelden was initially trial and error (like Cass and Dorian). Sometimes the choices were easy: I don't take Varric and Cass, and I never take Cole and Vivienne.

Now that Blackwall is not here (Maker, that is still so hard to write, much less think about him being dead), deciding who to include in my group is a bit more complicated. Basically, depending on what we're doing, I like to have magic, ranged attacks, and sometimes the kind of close-quarters stealth fighting that Cole does so well. Sometimes, I can handle being the only fighter, but for me to use the Mark I prefer having another fighter along who can take over. That now leaves Cassandra and Bull.

So, if I take Dorian, I need to take Bull. If I take Cassandra, I cannot include Varric. I can take Solas or Vivienne, and Sera, but not Cole if I include Vivienne. If I don't include Vivienne, I can take Cole, but I still cannot include Varric. If I include Varric, I cannot take Cassandra.

If I need both Bull and Cass, then I include Sera to avoid taking Varric, and have to exclude Vivienne in order to include Cole.

Maker take me, it shouldn't be that complicated!

I guess if I were a better commander, I would just tell them to put up and shut up, so I can make the tactical decisions I need and not care about whose nose will get out of joint.

Sigh.

1 August, 9:41 Dragon

C is searching elven ruins in the Arbor Wilds. That makes sense given the orb is elven. We need to intercept him before he finds whatever it is he is looking for. In order to do that we also must defeat Samson, as he will be with C. Thankfully, Dagna created a rune for me to use, which is supposed to neutralize Samson's armor. That will be a big help.

I know this is going to be a difficult trip because Corypheus is there. Our army and Celene's Army will be joining forces to fight him and try to defeat him. I cannot say why, but I know this will not be our final run-in with the bastard.

20 August, 9:41 Dragon

The Arbor Wilds was successful in one sense and terrifying in others. The successful part was stopping C from capturing the Eluvian hidden in a temple of Mythal. That was really the only good thing to come out of that trip.

We took casualties, though not as many as we could have it we hadn't taken out Samson; still Cullen is given me the names of those we lost and I will write personal letters to their families. I worked it out with Cullen, Leliana, Cass, and Josie early on that if any of our army is killed, their family will receive their pay for as long as we are able to provide it.

Now for the terrifying things. Morrigan and I are now convinced that Solas is somehow involved with Fen'Harel. He knew way too much about the Sentinel elves we encountered at the Temple, and about ancient elven history. We found the Well of Sorrows, the Vir Abelasan, in Mythal's Temple. It contains the memories of all who served Mythal and whomever drinks from the well becomes bound to the will of Mythal. Solas refused to help us; Morrigan said she should be the one to drink. I agreed, first because she had the knowledge to make use of what she'd learn and second, I didn't want to be bound to anyone.

Morrigan learned that Mythal was part of the Evanuris, who were not Creators but generals who became greedy, and played at being gods, enslaving their people. Apparently, Mythal was murdered by her fellow Evanuris. Sounds like Tevinter.

Shortly after we returned to Skyhold via the Eluvian, we encountered Morrigan's mother Flemeth, who is really Mythal. It is too bizarre to recount, but I will never forget it.

23 August, 9:41 Dragon

I feel like a piece of fabric that has been stretched for too long across something too wide. It will never return to its original shape and will never be as strong.

We are about to have our final confrontation with Corypheus. He has reopened the breach in the crater that was the temple of sacred ashes. He's come calling and I have to answer. The army isn't yet back from the Arbor Wilds, Cullen wanted me to wait, but we both know that there isn't enough time. We are leaving just after lunch.

With Morrigan able to take on the Corypheus' dragon, I am confident we'll succeed; it's my survival that I seriously doubt. The doubt has inhabited a small dark part of my mind since I received this mark. I have written letters for Cricket, Walter, and Siobhan. They are in my desk, and both Alistair and Cullen know where they are. They are the only two I trust to get the letters to my children. My letter for Lily is tucked into this journal. Below is my last letter, and the one that is hardest to write.

... ... .. .. .. .. ...

To my dearest love,

If you are reading this then I did not survive the final battle. I can only hope that I took the bastard down with me.

I don't know how long it has taken for you to find this, much less when you will read it.

First, last, and always, your love has been a precious gift I have felt exceedingly blessed to have been given.

I remember when I met you in Lothering. You were the most handsome man I had ever seen (and you still are). I was so tongue-tied I could barely utter complete sentence. Then after spending the afternoon in your company I knew you were someone special. During the Blight, I couldn't get you out of my mind, much less my heart. When I was in Varric's suite and he wanted to 'introduce me to someone,' I said I didn't want to meet someone new. When I heard you say, "Then how about someone you've already met?" I thought I was dreaming. You said, "You're not dreaming. Hello Marnie." The pure joy I felt then never left.

I know you're hurting right now. If the situation was reversed, I know I would feel like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and life held no more meaning. But your life does have meaning – Lily, Cricket, Siobhan, and Walter give it meaning, and you have meaning for them. Live for yourself, and live for them. Lily especially. She is too young to lose one parent, don't make it two.

I know that you may not think so now, but you will love again. No, it won't be the same, but you have too much love in your heart not to share it with another. Please, don't let your memories of me prevent from loving again.

I give you all my love, now and forever.

Marnie.

~oOOo~