We've been back in 12 for almost two days and Katniss still hasn't spoken since that terrible night. Though her mother assured me she was fine, she said her throat may be sore from swallowing the salt water and she may need some more rest.

That doesn't explain why she won't even look at me though.

It's killing me, the way her eyes flit away every time mine meet hers. It's like we are strangers again. Strangers who live together.

As soon as we returned home, we took our bags upstairs and Katniss immediately set to unpacking. She was silent as she hung up her clothes, then she disappeared into the bathroom to take a bath. I tried to follow her in but she had locked the door. I felt my heart drop out of my chest. She never locked the door before. I was terrified that she was trying again. I leaned against the door, listening for sounds of life. Every time I heard the water splash or a squeak against the tub, I breathed out loud.

When she came out, she climbed under the covers and went straight to sleep. I slept beside her but she was tense and kept herself curled into a little ball so that I couldn't touch her.

When I woke up, she was gone.

She hadn't returned until late after the sun had set. Without a word, she had gone to our room to shower and then to bed.

I can't stand this. She's lying right next to me and pretending to be asleep. She's curled up again and my heart pounds as I reach out to touch her.

She flinches at the first contact and I withdraw immediately. But she's my wife, dammit, I'm not just going to sit here and ignore this growing wall between us.

I scoot closer and push my arm underneath her, so I can roll her into my chest. She resists but I close my arms around her, effectively trapping her. She lets out a little whimper and fights to get out of my embrace.

"Katniss, stop," I whisper in her ear. "Please don't do this. Please just talk to me."

"There's nothing to say," I barely hear her.

"The hell there isn't. You haven't looked at me since we got home. We don't have to talk about what happened but I miss you. I miss my wife. Please Katniss." She sniffles and I feel tears hit my arms. I bury my face in her hair and take in the sweet scent of my wife. I feel her shaking and I hold her close, trying to stop the trembling. The closer I hold her, the more she trembles. Seeing her in pain brings tears to my eyes.

"Katniss," I plead. "Why? Why are you shutting me out? After everything, why are you intentionally closing off from me?"

"I finally understand," she sobs, "what you feel when you have a flashback. And you think you have hurt me. When you wake up and see my frightened expression, the pain and self-loathing you feel. I feel that times a thousand. I never knew…I never thought I could be such a monster. But you were right. I am a…a mutt."

"Katniss!" I reach over and flick the light on, then force her to sit up in front of me. When she refuses to look at me, I tilt her chin up.

"Look at me." Her eyes are still closed and I sigh heavily.

"Katniss, look at me. Please," I add. She swallows and tears stream down her cheeks. I lean forward and kiss her forehead, holding her head to my chest.

That night is one that will haunt us forever, which kills me because it was the last night of our honeymoon.

When I almost lost her.

It started out great and we experimented with several of Johanna's gifts. When I asked her to chain me up, I sensed the change in the room.

When I asked her to punish me, I felt her shift completely. The whole world shifted.

I still blame myself for trying to kill her. I blame myself for not being stronger and not being able to resist the hijacking. I blame myself for allowing Snow to manipulate me and turn me against the love of my life.

I hurt Katniss worse than anyone ever had. And I wanted punishment for it.

I wanted her to punish me.

I knew she didn't understand what that meant to me. But I asked her that night to use the riding crop and I know she hesitated.

Caught in a spell, Katniss became someone else. She hit me with the riding crop and her hands and she took control of me like a woman possessed.

And I was fine with it. Whatever she wanted, I would willingly submit to.

I wanted whatever punishment she deemed worthy for my crimes.

When she demanded I call her mistress, I knew she'd changed. I played her game, I pleasured her, I took her punishments and wore her marks proudly.

Until she slid on top of me and started to ride me fiercely.

I was taken back to that night in the Capitol, one of the nights where I had to watch movie after movie of Katniss and me on the Victory Tour. The filthy things I did to her in those movies just make me shiver and want to slap myself for ever thinking a shred of it was true.

After the films ended, a girl was brought in, her hands bound, a blindfold over her eyes, and her dark hair in a long braid over her shoulder.

I froze in place. My interrogator smiled and slapped my cheek.

"Close your mouth, boy, we thought you deserved a night of pleasure after everything you have been through." The girl was shoved in my direction. I was currently tied to the table and I squirmed in my bindings. My interrogator sliced through the ropes on her hands and she removed her own blindfold.

My breath left me completely. Her eyes were the same silver-grey.

I immediately knew it wasn't Katniss. Call it intuition or maybe just because I have been in love with the girl for sixteen years, but I knew this girl wasn't her.

Still, the resemblance was terrifying. I still don't know if it was a mutt or a real woman who was genetically engineered to look like Katniss.

The thought terrifies me still.

She climbed on top of me and started grinding against me. I was humiliated and ashamed that she was getting me aroused. She slipped her shirt off, to reveal she wasn't wearing a bra underneath. I squeezed my eyes shut and she slapped me, hard. My eyes widened when she stood beside me and shoved her pants and underwear down her legs. She was completely bare, her skin not as pale as a Merchant's but not as dark as Katniss's was. I felt her fingers at the waistband of my pants and I started to tremble. She yanked my clothes off and tossed them aside. My interrogators stood by, chuckling and I flushed from head to toe. The girl took me in her mouth and I was rendered speechless. I wanted to scream for her to stop, I wanted to cry and beg, and I wanted more. God I wanted more. When I was so close, she stopped and climbed on top of me. I tried to sit up and pleaded with her.

"Please…don't do this," I cried pathetically. "I love her. Please just stop." The girl ignored me and slid back and forth over my erection. Despite the fact that I had just watched dozens of tapes showing my times with Katniss, I still didn't believe them.

I knew in that moment, more than ever, that I was a virgin. I was saving myself for Katniss.

And this girl was about to yank it away. I started to sob harder.

"Please just leave me alone! I love her. I love her." As the girl started to rise up over me, she grasped my length and slid it along her folds. I squeezed my eyes shut and my head fell back, banging on the metal. I prayed I would be knocked unconscious.

But I felt a prick in my arm and then an unbelievable rage took over me.

I looked up and saw the girl glaring down at me, with red eyes and dripping fangs. I screamed out and sat up so quickly that she fell backwards.

"Get the fuck off me!" She fell to the floor, panting and I writhed around in my bindings. When she stood, I reared back.

"Get away from me! Mutt! Fucking mutt!" My interrogators chuckled darkly in the corner.

"It's working."

Now that I have time to analyze these flashbacks and what they mean, I understand. They weren't trying to take my innocence. Well, at that particular moment, that wasn't their plan. They were trying to see if the hijacking was working. They brought in a girl who looked just like Katniss, to see how I would react to her.

How would I have acted if they had captured the real Katniss Everdeen? What would I have done?

Don't ever think it, Mellark. Don't ever think anything like that. I know if they had succeeded in capturing her, neither of us would be here now.

I shiver and shake myself. That is one thing I can thank Haymitch for. Protecting her. He didn't break his promise to me, he broke his promise to her. Despite the fact that a part of me was destroyed, I'm grateful to Haymitch for still choosing Katniss in the arena. It's what I wanted. After everything, it's still what I want.

For her to survive.

I stare at her, so small and pale and I stifle a sob. As soon as I woke up from that flashback, I knew she was going to run. I could see it in her eyes. Plus, how many times had I run after a flashback? After realizing how much I had hurt her?

I screamed and screamed for her to come back. I had no idea where she would go, I had no idea how I would find her again, but a part of me knew what was going through her mind. So I broke the handcuffs and yanked on my pants as I ran downstairs to the lobby and to the beach out back.

I saw her walk into the water, as if in a trance. I screamed for her to snap out of it and when I saw her head go under, I dove into the water. I couldn't swim but I had to get to her. She was limp and cold when I dragged her back to the beach. I tried to revive her with my hands and mouth and I heard Gale calling my name. I lied to him, told him Katniss had been dragged under by a wave and she was just swimming.

Not trying to kill herself. I knew Gale wouldn't hesitate in having her removed from my arms and placed in a safe facility where I would never see her again.

Now I have her here and I refuse to let go. But I have to tell her that I don't blame her for anything. None of it is her fault. I love her and I will never let her go.

Wow. All of that sounds very familiar.

I hold her face in my hands and will her to look at me.

"Katniss, I know you won't believe me when I tell you this but…you did nothing wrong. I encouraged you because I wanted you to punish me."

"Why would you want that," she sobs.

"Because I still blame myself. For everything. All of it." She finally looks at me, her eyes swimming.

"I was never punished for trying to kill you. And I should have been. So I wanted you to penalize me, in your own way. I know it's sick but-" I freeze as her hand leaves a fresh print on my cheek. She is fuming and glaring at me.

"You bastard," she spits out. "Of course it's sick! Don't you ever ask me to do anything like that again! I know what you were seeing! You saw me, hurting you. You were begging for me to stop, to leave you alone."

"No."

"You were! You had a flashback and you saw me trying to kill you."

"You weren't trying to kill me, Katniss," I say softly and her eyes narrow.

"Tell me then. Tell me what you saw."

"You won't like it." When I see how adamant she is, I quietly recount my story from that night. Her eyes grow wide with horror when I tell her about the girl who looked like her. She crosses her arms over her chest, looking sick.

"So I…I wasn't your first." Her voice is shaking and I yank her hands forward.

"Yes, you were," I told her firmly. "I shook her off before anything could happen. It wasn't about the girl raping me, it was about the hijacking. They wanted to see how I would react. It just…I was just taken back for a moment. It didn't last long and I snapped out of it but then you were so consumed by guilt that you just left me there." She blushes and looks down.

"What did you think would happen to me, when I found you dead on the beach," I say in a deadly whisper. I see her wince but she doesn't look at me. I squeeze her hands, perhaps a little harder than I should, and pull her forward into my lap.

"Why do we keep doing this to each other, hm? It seems like a vicious cycle with us, doesn't it? We're always hurting each other." She nods.

"It seems so."

"You think we were better off apart?" She looks up so quickly and tears are welling in her eyes. I yank her forward, kissing her, so that she knows without a doubt I need her to survive.

"Sometimes I may think that," she moans when I break the kiss. "But I just have to look at you to know how lost I would be without you in my life. I look at us and how far we have come. Gale was right. We're good for each other and we protect each other." I raise a brow and shake my head. I should have known.

"So you weren't sleeping then. Bet you were pretending the whole time, weren't you?"

"Well, you really did save my life so thank you." I kiss her again and move up to kiss her nose.

"Please Katniss, swear on our love and our future together that you will never try something like that again."

"Peeta-"

"Swear to me, Katniss." She looks into my eyes and she bites her lip. I don't mention that this is the second time she has tried to take her own life. I've thought about it a million times but I have never tried to do it. She, on the other hand, bears the marks of failed attempts. I unknowingly rub my thumb against her wrist, the scar still bright as day.

"I swear it." We seal her promise with a kiss and I bring her back down to the bed, where we quickly fall asleep, her hands gripping mine tightly throughout our dreams.

The next morning I suggest that we take a shower together before I head to the bakery. She agrees and slips her hands under my shirt. But I see her stiffen when she pulls it over my head and I glance down at my chest. I know that look.

The first night I had a flashback and grabbed her arms, leaving bruises, I couldn't believe what I had done. We don't have rough sex often, very rarely actually, but when we do and I leave marks, I feel terrible afterwards.

I can see she is at war with herself and I pull her close, my hands going to her face and turning her to look at me.

"I know what you're thinking and you need to stop," I say softly as I kiss her eyes and nose. "This isn't that bad. I've had much worse…and I've done much worse."

To you.

It's left unsaid but her eyes widen and I know she understands. I pull her shirt over her head and pull her into the bedroom.

She's hesitant at first and stands a few inches away from me while we shower but I finally pull her in close for a gentle kiss and I feel her hands in my hair.

When I enter her, it's slow and tender, leaving breathy sighs and soft moans. When we reach our peaks, we finish washing each other's hair before I grab a towel and start to dry her off. She glances down and smiles.

"I've never really paid attention but your new leg is water-proof?" I nod.

"One of my favorite things about it. I can shower with it on, and it doesn't hurt when I accidentally fall asleep with it on. Pretty useful, really." She nods and strokes my cheek.

"I'm glad you went to the Capitol for it then." I nod my agreement. Though it may have been a difficult time for us, without each other, it paid off in the end and I think Katniss understands that. I'm grateful to have this beautiful and understanding woman in my life.

We fall back into our routines and before I know it, the cold weather comes again. The frigid air doesn't affect my prosthetic as it did last year. And apart from a few minor flashbacks and nightmares, life is peaceful and happy. District 12 thrives and we thrive with it.

In October, Katniss and District 12 start to get ready for an old holiday known as All Hallow's Eve. Suddenly the bakery is decorated with pumpkins and ghosts and witches and I am left wondering what in the hell is going on. When I go home to Katniss that night and find her decorating the house with similar things, I ask for her to explain the holiday to me.

"It was once known as the day that the dead returned to walk among the living," she tells me as she carves a pumpkin. "It's more of a fun holiday now, with feasts and costumes and candy. Children dress up and go trick-or-treating to get candy and prizes from their neighbors. And District 12 will have their first Harvest Festival and Halloween Masquerade this year." She sounds quite excited about it and I remember how happy she got when she was planning Christmas for the orphanage.

"So all of 12 is getting in on this?"

"From my understanding, other districts are invited too. The Festival will take place during the day and then at night, we will have a Masquerade in the town center. The children will have their own dance, not far from town. I think it will be lots of fun." I have to admit, it does sound nice. Since 12 has healed dramatically, we have held several fun public events and I am always willing to bake enough for the district. I brought home pumpkin bread for Katniss to try and she says it is one of her favorites now.

"Ok. I'll help you carve pumpkins and you can tell me some of the legends and stories about this holiday."

"Alright. First of all, this is a jack-o-lantern. They're usually scary faces but you can carve any kind of face into them." She pushes a pumpkin toward me and hands me some carving tools.

We laugh at my terrible first attempt at carving a pumpkin. I discover how messy and awkward it is and I gag when I take off the top and see all the gooey mess inside. Katniss finds this hilarious.

"You can put your hands in sticky dough and shape cakes but you can't touch pumpkin seeds?"

"It looks gross," I protest. She reaches in and scoops up a handful and before I can say anything, plops it in my hand.

"Ugh! Katniss!" She throws her head back in laughter and I grin slyly as I take aim. She stops laughing as soon as the gooey stuff hits her chin and she gasps and then glares at me.

"You didn't!"

"Oh but I did." She picks some more up and brings it down right on top of my head. I shake my head with a groan and she laughs again.

"We're a mess."

"You're a mess," I correct her as I struggle to get it out of my hair. "Gross. This stuff is gross!"

"Aw. Poor baby," she teases as she takes my face in her sticky hands and rubs it all over my skin.

"That's it!" I throw the stuff down and jump out of my chair. She shrieks and squeals as I chase her up the stairs and into our bedroom. With my new prosthetic, I can easily catch her and when I do, I'm rewarded by her soft lips on mine.

After we shower and get that disgusting goop off of us, we head back downstairs so Katniss can finish decorating. I tell her to keep those pumpkins on the porch and she laughs as she puts lights down inside. They cast an eerie glow on the room and she grins over the smiling pumpkin.

She's excited and eager to tell me about the plans for the festival. Apparently, Delly has roped her into helping her with the activities but she doesn't seem too disappointed. Can this cheerful woman really be my wife? The one who does not like social gatherings and definitely doesn't plan parties?

I laugh as I pull her in and kiss her hair.

"What are you laughing about?"

"You haven't stopped talking since I got home. I love how happy this makes you."

"I'm just excited to see the kids' faces when they go trick-or-treating for their first time."

"And what about Mrs. Mellark? What are you dressing up as?"

"Oh, I didn't really plan on dressing up," she shrugs.

"Nuh uh, that's not fair. You can't be the only one without a costume." She raises her brow and smirks at me.

"Fine. I'll find a costume. And after I take them trick-or-treating, I'll meet you at the Masquerade. I expect you to be wearing a costume too." I raise my brow at her. She honestly expects me to dress up for this shindig?

"Great. I'll go as a baker."

"No," she shakes her head. "Something different. Come on, Peeta, this will be fun!"

"We haven't dressed up enough in our lives?" She falls silent and I immediately regret my words. I am, of course, referring to the tribute parades when they dressed us up in costumes and paraded us around for the sponsors to see. And I felt like everything I wore after that was a costume. I'm actually quite surprised that she is going along with this.

She bites her lip and I hate myself.

"I'll, um…I'll just stay with the kids then and help them with their candy-"

"Katniss, no." I take a deep breath and turn her to look at me. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. It will be a fun night and yes, we will both be dressed up and we will have a great time."

"You don't have to go, Peeta," she says quietly, all elation gone from her face.

"I'll be there," I tell her firmly. "And I can't wait to see what you dress up as." I kiss her forehead before I jump to my feet and start making dinner. She is quiet for the rest of the evening and I could kick myself for making her doubt this. She was so happy and excited and I just shot her down. Ugh. After she's gone to bed, I stay downstairs to read the books she has gathered that tell more about the holiday and the customs.

"Peeta?" I look up and see her nightgown-clad form waiting for me on the stairs. She bites her lip and looks nervous.

"Are…are you coming to bed?" I close the book and jump to my feet. When I reach the stairs, I take her hand and bring it to my lips. Her eyes soften as I pull her upstairs. When I'm changed and we're lying face to face in bed, I see her smoldering grey eyes searching mine. My index finger gently strokes her nose and I smile.

"You are without a doubt the most incredible woman who ever lived. Do you know that?" She shakes her head.

"You keep telling me that-"

"And yet you still don't believe me." She shrugs and I prop myself up with my arm.

"What do I need to do to convince you?"

"I don't know if you'll ever convince me but I do enjoy your…methods, to try." I smirk as I see a shy grin cross her face and I disappear under the covers. In our time together, I have learned so much about Katniss's body and she about mine. I know countless ways to make her come undone, she can make me fly apart with just a gentle touch of her fingers. My favorite is when I use my tongue and fingers on her and she bucks her hips so wildly that I have to lay on her to keep her still. She's usually very vocal and I have to make sure the windows are shut whenever I know that's how our night will end. Tonight the windows are shut tightly and I can already smell her. I'm drunk off her scent by the time I reach her center and she wails above me.

This is going to be one of those more vocal nights. Not that I'm complaining. My favorite sound in the world is hearing her scream my name as I bring her to completion. These sexy little moans she is making probably comes in a close second.

Though nothing compares to her breathy sigh of my name. And what comes after that…well, I quickly decide that that is my favorite sound.

"Peeta…I love you."