When I wake up, my eyes are heavy and my throat feels raw and sore. It hurts to even lift my arms so I don't try. I feel a hand on mine and my head moves to the side. Johanna looks down at me with tears in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Peeta," she whispers. "I didn't mean to set you off like that. I just got so angry and…I wasn't thinking. I'm the most terrible person in the world."
"You're…not," I manage to get out and I try to clear my throat. She jumps up and is back with a glass of water. My thirst quenched, I clear my throat. I look around and see I am in a hospital bed. Wonderful. I came here for Finn and ended up in here myself.
"What...what happened?" I rack my brain, wondering what the hell put me in this bed. Did I have a flashback? Did I attack someone? I just remember being really angry and then everything went black.
Johanna looks terrified.
"What do you remember?"
"Um…lots of yelling. I got really angry. And I…blacked out." She nods.
"Probably better that you don't remember what the fight was about." I start to protest but the door opens and Johanna tenses up. I see Gale inch forward and he looks directly at me.
"You feeling any better?"
"Uh, yeah. I think so. Is there a doctor around that I can talk to? I really don't need to be here."
"You started having a fit and they gave you something to calm you down. We carried you into this room so I'm not sure if they will want to let you go so soon." I roll my eyes.
"Gale, please. I'm fine. Find the doctor for me."
"OK but…you should call your…call Katniss first." I sit straight up and ignore my pounding head.
"Katniss knows what happened? Did you call her?"
"I didn't but apparently someone else did." I groan and shake my head. Fantastic. She'll be worried sick. WHY can't people mind their own business?
"Alright, I'll call her. Jo, find a doctor and tell him I can leave at any time. They're not keeping me in here."
"Alright Peeta but tell Katniss it was my fault," she says, her face solemn. Gale steps forward.
"Tell her it was my fault, Peeta," Johanna and I look over at him in shock and he shrugs. "She already hates me. Might as well put the blame on me."
"She doesn't hate you, Gale," I tell him and I honestly don't think she does. She just doesn't know how to act around him anymore. He looks somewhat pacified.
"Well, tell her I'm sorry for causing you both such distress. And I apologize to you as well, Johanna. I know you don't like me but can you at least accept that we are allies?"
"Yeah. I think I can do that," Johanna mutters and Gale nods.
"Call Katniss, Peeta. I'll be outside." Johanna pushes the phone toward me and starts to leave as well.
"Jo," I call her back and she raises a brow. I play with the blankets for a moment, searching for the right words.
"Did…did Katniss tell you? About the kiss?" She frowns and I sigh.
"When Gale kissed her…it was in 13? When I was…there?"
"She mentioned it, Peeta." She looks reluctant to go on so I gesture for her to continue. She sighs and runs her hands through her hair. "I shouldn't have said anything. It's ancient history."
"Tell me."
"There's really nothing to tell. They were out hunting together and talking…Gale leaned in and kissed her and she said she felt nothing. She told me later that she was so positive that she had lost you for good and she knew she would die bringing down Snow. She believed with all her heart that she would be killed and you would go on hating her for the rest of your life. She said that was one of the moments she regrets the most, letting her best friend kiss her. But she also knew, right after he did it, that she felt nothing for him. She told me his kiss didn't compare to yours." Well, that makes me feel a tiny bit better but I can't believe that Gale did that when I was trying to recover.
Fine. Forget it, Peeta. As Johanna said, it's ancient history. Still, it bothers me.
"Why didn't she tell me?"
"Why would she? She regrets it, Peeta, and it doesn't matter anyway because she married you, not him. Don't you believe that bullshit in your brain that's saying you were second choice. You were always her first choice. It just took awhile for her head and heart to catch up." I nod, uncertain as to what I will say to Katniss. But she pushes the phone forward and leaves me alone. With shaking fingers I dial our number.
"Peeta?" Her voice is frantic, answering on the first ring.
"I'm ok," I assure her. She sobs into the phone.
"Then why did a nurse call to tell me you were having a violent seizure and you needed to be contained?" I wince. Damn it.
"It's definitely not that exciting, Katniss. I felt myself on the verge of a flashback and I just blacked out. I just woke up in a hospital bed. Gale says they gave me something to calm me down and carried me in here."
"Gale? Why is Gale there?"
"Paylor sent him to be my security again."
"How convenient," she sniffs. I raise my brow at her tone.
"Were you ever going to tell me that he kissed you in 13?" The line is silent except for her heavy breathing.
"Peeta…it meant nothing-"
"Then why wouldn't you tell me? We tell each other everything, don't we? Why is this any different?"
"You had to ask me about the rebellion because you didn't remember any of it. Our time in 13…I'd like to forget about most of it." I know she means more than the kiss with Gale and I shiver.
"Ok. Me too," I concede and I hear her let out a deep sigh.
"How is Finn?"
"He's in a lot of pain but he's been knocked out with morphling. I haven't seen your mother yet. I want to get out of this damn room so I can go back and see him."
"Just don't overexert yourself, Peeta," she pleads. "You have to take care of yourself too."
"I know. I will," I promise her. "I need to go see if he's awake. I love you."
"I love you too. Call me tomorrow?"
"Of course." I don't mention that it's our anniversary. I know she knows and she probably already regrets asking me to come on this trip. We hang up and I hear a knock at the door. I nod to the doctor and sigh when Mrs. Everdeen enters behind him.
"Mr. Mellark, I'm Doctor Faril, your attending physician. I believe you know Nurse Everdeen?" I nod to my mother-in-law swiftly.
"Well, looks like you had a severe relapse and a violent seizure. I'd recommend staying-"
"Doctor I'm going to stop you right there. It wasn't a violent seizure, it was a flashback and I get those frequently. An after-effect of my hijacking and torture in the Capitol. I don't need to stay here, I'm perfectly fine." He doesn't look convinced as he checks his papers and charts.
"Mr. Mellark, you are a healthy young man. But I was present at your relapse and I'm not sure if it's wise to release you so soon after an episode like that."
"Look," I say through gritted teeth, "I've already told you, I know how to handle it. I'm fine now, back to normal, and I would like to return to my godson who is the actual one needing medical attention." He turns to Mrs. Everdeen but she doesn't say a word.
"Well…alright then. I'll let Nurse Everdeen finish your discharge papers. If anything changes, though, please come right back here." I nod and roll my eyes once he is gone.
"Why does everyone insist on making me worse than I really am?"
"Peeta, you don't see yourself when you are in that state. Really, he is just trying to help."
"I don't need help. I need Katniss. And I won't get back to her until we help Finn. So I'm just wasting time here."
"Sign this," she pushes the paper in my hands and I scrawl my name.
"You can go ahead and go back to Finn's room if you wish. I believe he is waking up right now."
"Is he…will he walk again? Johanna says he might not." She bites her lip and looks pale.
"The venom ran very deep. The tentacles were wrapped around his leg and if we had not taken some extreme measures, he would have died immediately." I don't ask what those extreme measures are.
"The poor boy is in so much pain and there is so much damage to his leg, the doctors are discussing if it would be better to just remove it altogether." I feel sick and I have to swallow several times before I can speak.
"He's an infant. You can't take his leg. He'll be…changed forever."
"We don't want to, Peeta but we may not have a choice. And it may help with the pain. I've been researching these types of injuries and the pain lasts for a long time. He's still so young, it may be easier to just remove his leg."
"What does Annie think?"
"She hasn't been in her right mind since we brought him here. Johanna had to make some of the medical decisions about Finn. Annie keeps calling out for Finnick." I wince and feel deep sorrow for my friends.
"So as Finn's godparents, Johanna and I will have to make the decision about his leg?" She doesn't look at me as she shuffles the papers.
"If Annie isn't of sound mind, then yes, you may have to do what is best for the boy." I sigh deeply, watching her walk away. Luckily the next person to enter my room is Johanna.
"Hey, you feeling better?"
"Much," I nod. "I calmed Katniss down and we talked about some things. I wish I could go home tomorrow to spend our anniversary with her but Finn needs me here. She understands that."
"It's already been a year? Seems like only yesterday I was watching her walk down that green carpet." I nod, smiling at the memory.
"I know. Time flies. But we will celebrate when I get back. We need to talk about Finn."
"He's awake but still crying out in pain. Annie just keeps crying. I don't know what to do, Peeta."
"Mrs. Everdeen said they want to take his leg." She nods miserably.
"The doctors think it's his best chance. The poison runs deep and did nerve damage. Even if he recovers from this, he may not walk normally again. And it may take a long time for him to recover. Shouldn't we give him the chance to live without that pain? Aren't you grateful they took yours instead of trying to repair it?"
"It was beyond repair, to be honest. And I was trying to help it along. I wanted to die and was using my injured leg to do it." I still remember when I ripped off the tourniquet that Katniss had made for me. Once that announcement came on, that there could be only one winner, I decided it would be her and I was prepared for my death. Katniss still feels terribly guilty about me losing my leg but as I keep telling her, she saved my life.
"Finn's still a baby. He can learn to walk with a prosthesis easier because of his age. I don't like this either Peeta but we may not have any other choice!" I hate that this choice is falling on us. Annie is not in her right mind to decide and it sounds like Johanna and I have conflicting opinions. I admit she is right that it would be easier for him to learn but I don't want him to have to! I felt strange and different when I returned to 12. People gawked at me in the summer so much that I wore pants at all times, even in the hot summer months.
"He'll feel different," I say in a pleading tone. "He'll feel awkward and uncomfortable, all his life. I'd hate for him to endure that, from such a young age."
"Except he has something you didn't have."
"What's that," I say impatiently. Her brows go high in her hair.
"A bad-ass uncle ,with a prosthetic leg, who would do anything for him."
I'm exhausted and irritable. I keep snapping at Johanna and George and anyone who comes into this room. Thank God I haven't seen Gale all night. Annie woke up about an hour ago and started screaming for Finnick, which woke up Finn. Johanna had to drag Annie away from the room and I stayed with a sobbing Finn. Now that he has finally gotten back to sleep, I rub my face and blink away the tiredness. I can't take my eyes off the little boy and I know what I have to do. But by god it is the last thing I could possibly want. I feel like he will hate me forever for this. For making this impossible decision for him. One day when he gets old enough to ask, Annie will tell him that Johanna and I were the ones who took his leg and his chance to be normal. And he will despise us for it. As I despise the Capitol for taking everything from us.