Beth and Daryl exited the woods behind the church, having walked the rest of the way in awkward silence.
She'd been stealing glances up at him the whole while but he seemed determined not to notice, instead biting on his thumbnail and looking everywhere but at her.
Rick nodded a greeting at Daryl, a grateful look on his face when he saw the rabbits. "Looks like we'll be eatin' good tonight."
"Yeah." Daryl jerked his head at Beth, still in a quiet mood. "You can thank her, too. She got the biggest one and cleaned 'em up."
"Is that so?" Rick put his hands on his hips and grinned at her. "Well, sounds like we might be livin' high on the hog now with two hunters at our disposal."
Beth just smiled shyly and shrugged, looked down at her feet and toeing the grass.
Rick's brow furrowed at her response, but then he noticed Daryl shifting his weight, looking just as uncomfortable. He looked from one to the other, puzzled, and then it suddenly clicked.
The reason why Daryl seemed like a changed man when they had been reunited just before Terminus.
The reason why Daryl had disagreed with his plan to go into the hospital, guns blazing, when he had always backed whatever Rick decided was best before.
The reason why he was watching his friend nervously adjusting his crossbow and nearly chew his thumbnail off while Beth's eyes flashed up at him, filled with concern and maybe a bit of confusion.
It was Beth. Whatever had happened when the two of them were separated after the prison had changed something between them, or it had for Daryl, at the very least.
Rick wiped a hand across his mouth to hide a grin, thankful that something positive might arise from all the suffering the group had endured in the past few months. He decided to take pity on the both of them and change the subject, getting back to the sombre task that was still at hand. "We were just waiting for the two of you to get back." He nodded to where the rest of the group lingered around the new grave. "It's time."
The three of them walked over to join the others. Tyreese stood with his head bowed, the shovel clasped in both hands and braced in front of him like it was the only thing holding him up, with Sasha beside him.
Rick stood next to his son, putting a hand on Judith's head where she slept in Michonne's arms.
Beth and Daryl moved to Carol's graveside to honor their friend, the tension between them forgotten for the time being, and Noah hung back, wanting to pay his respects but wary of intruding on the moment.
Rick hooked his thumbs on his belt and let out a long sigh. "There's not enough words to describe what Carol has meant to our family. She was not only a survivor, in the truest sense of the word, but the reason why most of us here are alive right now. She did what needed to be done for her family without thought for her own safety, always. If that's not courage, then I don't know what is. Carol was one of the strongest women I've ever met, and an equally fierce friend."
He closed his eyes as he went on. "You always think you'll have more time with the people you care about. It's days like this that remind us of what's important. Remind us to look out for each other, 'cause that's what Carol would want. That's what she always did."
He took a deep breath and looked around. "Anybody else want to say somethin'?"
After a long pause, no one else had spoken, so Rick looked to Beth and nodded. She started to sing in a clear strong voice.
I know your life on earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
For your work on earth is done
Go to heaven a-shoutin'
Look for the Father and the Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels' faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
For your work on earth is done
Go to heaven a-shoutin'
Look for the Father and the Son.
Beth's voice only faltered at the end. Daryl put his hand at the small of her back and guided her away from the grave when Tyreese started filling it in. "C'mon."
They walked back over to the church where he handed Beth his lighter, and spoke in a low voice. "Think you can get a fire going? Gonna take someone with me to get water…cook them rabbits up."
"Yeah." Beth turned the lighter around in her fingers and looked him in the eye. "Be careful, okay?"
Daryl held her gaze for a moment and nodded once, then walked over to Michonne, and Beth felt a brief moment of panic as she watched him leave. She shook her head and tried to push her nerves aside, deciding to get to work and keep herself distracted.
Rick started following Carl into the church to help him feed and bathe Judith but stopped and reached out to Beth, briefly touching her arm. "Hey. You sure you're okay to get that goin' by yourself? Maybe you should sit down for a bit. Take it easy. You haven't stopped since we got back here."
Beth swallowed thickly and put on a brave face to reassure him that she was alright. "I'm fine. I don't mind doin' my part," so Rick relented and went inside.
The truth was, she felt like a rubber band stretched past its limit, and was worried she might break unless her mind was kept occupied. Being with Daryl again made it easy to ignore her anxiety over the events at Grady. Something about his presence calmed her, but he wasn't here right now.
Beth knew she still needed to come to terms with everything that had happened but, right this minute, avoidance seemed like the better idea. Keeping busy would help, and she didn't want anyone thinking she needed to be coddled.
Twenty minutes later Beth tossed more wood onto the small fire, and went back inside to search for something to lay across the hole she'd dug for the pot to sit on. Eventually she found an old cast iron floor grate and dropped it onto the grass nearby. They still weren't back with the water yet so she stood and waited, staring into the flames, unable to shake her growing sense of unease.
She just felt….off. Her head was buzzing slightly and Beth wondered if she should sit down, but then her thoughts turned to Daryl.
He'd been so withdrawn since earlier in the woods. Maybe it was her fault. Maybe she'd misinterpreted his affection and made him feel uncomfortable.
Beth's cheeks flamed with embarrassment at the thought, and she looked up at the sky, feeling utterly stupid for thinking Daryl might actually be attracted to her. They'd become so close, and she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize their friendship.
She cringed internally and put a hand on her left cheek, touching the stitches she'd forgotten were still there. Beth closed her eyes and her thoughts went unwillingly back to Grady.
In a way, it felt like it wasn't even her that was there. Like it was just a nightmare. Something some stranger went through instead. But the events started flashing before her like some morbid slideshow to prove otherwise.
Edwards. Dawn. Gorman. Joan. O'Donnell. Carol. Shepard. Licari. All dead. Their lifeless faces swam through her thoughts, Joan and Carol gone because she couldn't save them. The rest, dead at her hands when there might have been another way.
Beth felt her heart began to stutter and pound. She'd killed six people. Murdered them. She was a murderer now. Her Daddy would be so ashamed of what she'd done. He'd always taught her that all life was precious.
Beth put both hands to her head and exhaled a faint keening sound, guilt rushing over her like a tidal wave and closing off her lungs. If Daryl or any of the others had witnessed what she'd done they would see her for the monster she was now.
Her breaths were coming in short wheezing rasps and the ground around her began to spin, making her drop clumsily to the grass on all fours. Beth clutched it in her hands, desperate to anchor herself on something as her world spun, suddenly having the irrational fear that if she let go she would be swept away.
She was barely aware that the trees nearby were starting to groan and move back and forth as though at the mercy of a strong wind when there wasn't even a breeze, and a small part of her understood that she was the one causing it. The thought that others might see it and figure out her secret brought her to a new level of panic, and she watched a drop of sweat fall from the tip of her nose seemingly in slow motion.
There was shouting from a distance, only it sounded muffled so she ignored it.
Finally, someone knelt down in front of her and spoke, but she still couldn't make out the words. It felt like she was submerged under water.
Beth stared at the grass, wondering if she was dying, and thought of her father. Air hissed in and out of her lungs as she started whispering in short bursts, "Forgive me. Forgive me."
Seconds later a crossbow dropped beside her and strong arms pulled her backward. Daryl held her back to his chest while he sat down with her on his lap, her head lolling against his shoulder. "I've got you, Beth. I've got you. M'sorry. I shouldn't of left you. Just breathe for me, okay? Just breathe."
Beth stared up at the tree tops and watched them dance while she struggled for air. She was vaguely aware that everyone was standing around and looking at her until she heard Daryl lash out at them. "What are y'all lookin' at? Get the hell out of here and give her some room!"
When the others drifted away he placed a warm hand over her diaphragm and spoke into her ear in a low voice. "You listen to me now, Greene. You focus on my voice and you breathe, dammit. In and out. Deep breaths. Just relax and breathe for me."
Black spots faded and reappeared in her vision so she closed her eyes and tried to focus on Daryl. The way his body heat seeped through her clothes and started warming her skin. The low rumble of his words in her ear. His lips ghosting over her earlobe while he kept reminding her to breathe.
Beth wished she was more in her right mind so she could actually enjoy it, and then tried to hold in a bark of laughter over how absurd she was being, but it came out as a feeble cough instead.
Beth didn't know how much time had passed, but eventually her head started to clear and she felt her lungs opening up. Taking in a long deep breath and exhaling with relief, she noticed the trees were still again and groaned. Daryl looked up at them and asked, "Was that you?"
She sighed and nodded weakly. "I was hopin' nobody would notice."
"Michonne and I heard it a little ways out and came runnin'. Didn't know what the hell it was."
He sensed Beth starting to stiffen in worry and spoke calmly in her ear again. "S'alright. I think everybody was too freaked out over you. They never clued in."
She relaxed a little at his words but then it dawned on her that she was practically lying on him so she started pulling away, mortified. Daryl held on to Beth's sides as they both struggled to their feet and he didn't let go when he saw her sway a little.
She brushed some stray hairs away from her face and met his concerned look. "Thank you. I….I'm not really sure what that was."
"Panic attack." He looked away briefly and then back at her, his face etched with worry. "Saw my Mom have a few of them when I was little."
Beth nodded up at him and put her hand on his arm. "Well, I'm okay now. Really tired, though. I feel like I just ran five miles." She caught the sudden change in his expression at her words. "You okay?"
Daryl held her gaze for a long moment and then jerked his head toward the church. "Yeah. C'mon. You're gettin' some rest while I get them rabbits cooked. You'll feel better with some food in you."
He held her arm as they went back inside and guided her to a sleeping bag in the back room.
Beth sat down on it but he wasn't satisfied. "Lay down, Greene. You're supposed to be sleepin', not sittin' and starin' at the walls."
She rolled her eyes and stretched out with a huff, feeling a little self-conscious as Daryl stood looking down at her. He turned to head for the door, and she called out to him. "You sure you don't want my help cookin' those rabbits? You might burn them."
She folded her hands across her stomach and smiled faintly as he narrowed his eyes, pointing at her. "Stay."
As he walked through the door she muttered a reply. "Yes sir, ."
"I heard that." Daryl called back over his shoulder as walked away. "Get some sleep."
Beth dozed off fairly quickly and awoke just before dark. The smell of the rabbits cooking carried in, making her stomach growl.
She rolled over on her side and stared at the pile of food across the room, noticing a huge bag of barley. Giving up on sleep for now, she grabbed the bag and headed outside.
Daryl was sitting on the steps, sharpening his knife, when Beth sat down beside him. He was just opening his mouth, she was sure, to complain about her not sleeping, but she cut him off.
"I did get some sleep," she looked over at the pot, "but that smell is makin' me hungry."
He hummed his approval so she held up the bag. "Can we throw some of this in? I used to love my Momma's barley soup."
Daryl nodded and took the bag, walking over to the pot and dumping some in while Beth folded her arms next to the fire and looked up at the first stars coming out. "I remember some nights me and Maggie would sneak out of the house with a blanket and lay down in a field to look at the stars. It'd be a game to see who could spot the first one to fall and make a wish."
She sighed and shook her head sadly. "They're still so beautiful, but it's hard to believe they're the same ones after everythin' that's happened."
Daryl moved the pot off the fire and started kicking dirt over the flames. "They're still the same." He looked over at her. "It's us that's changed."
Beth nodded, following him while he carried their supper to the church as Rick came around the corner with the others in tow. He looked like he wanted to ask her how she was, but she held up her hand. "I'll be fine."
He bobbed his head in agreement and guided her up the stairs. "Yeah. You will be."
Everyone headed inside except Michonne, who sat down to take first watch.
Beth sat on her sleeping bag next to Daryl, her belly full, and leaned back against the wall, admiring the woodwork on the ceiling.
He had scarfed his supper down faster than her, and stretched out on his own blanket with one arm folded behind his head. She looked down at him affectionately as he fought to stay awake, fighting the urge to reach out with her fingers and brush the hair off his face. Beth thought he was so handsome, but his hair was always hanging down and covering the eyes she wanted to see.
She wondered if he'd let her give him a little trim, and almost laughed out loud as she pictured trying to wrestle him to the ground with a pair of scissors in hand. Beth's train of thought took a turn as she realized that sounded kind of hot, and then mentally chastised herself for going there.
She didn't want to be the kind of girl who pined after a guy who clearly wasn't interested.
Beth smiled when she heard his breathing change over to a soft snore and looked around the church. It was hard to see over the pews, but it seemed like everyone else was asleep in the spots they'd picked out.
It didn't feel like sleep would come to her yet, and she needed to pee soon, so Beth decided to take some supper out to Michonne while she was at it. She slipped out quietly through one of the front doors and sat down beside her friend, holding up the can of stew and a spoon.
The other woman groaned and set her katana down beside her. "Thank god. I was about ready to start chewing on the railing."
Beth giggled and drew her knees up in front of her, enjoying the crisp night air. The stars filled the sky now, and she looked up at them in awe, letting out a long even breath and feeling a sense of peace.
Michonne shoved another spoonful in her mouth and tried to talk around it, eyeing her. "You feeling better now?" but it came out kind of garbled.
Beth snickered quietly at her. "Not polite to talk with your mouth full." She smiled and looked out into the darkness, sighing. "I'm not sure that I'm better, but I'm figurin' it out as I go, I guess."
Michonne tilted her head and wiped some stew off her chin. "That's all you can do." She dug deeper in the can and spoke before shoving more in her mouth. "I know one thing. Dixon'll be a lot nicer person to be around now that you're back."
Beth glanced at the other woman, her brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
Michonne shrugged and set the empty can down beside her as she finished chewing, wiping her hands on her legs. "That man ran all night after the car that took you. Didn't stop until he lost which way it went. Probably near killed himself from exhaustion."
Beth's mouth hung open as she looked at her friend. "He did?"
"Mmhmm. And he never gave up on findin' you, either. Was a real moody son of a bitch by times, but there was somethin' different about him, too. Couldn't put my finger on it." Her gaze slid over to Beth to see her reaction.
Beth looked down at her hands, surprised, and she whispered. "I didn't know."
"I guess he saw one of them Grady cars nearby and took after it with Carol, came across Noah. And well, you know the rest." Michonne rested her katana across her legs again. "He was a man possessed. Seems you made quite an impression on him." She smirked at Beth.
"What? No!" Beth shook her head in denial. "We're just good friends. He woulda done the same for anybody."
"Mmmhmmm." Michonne raised her eyebrows teasingly. "Friends, huh? Well that's nice, I suppose. So, you wouldn't mind if I….?"
Beth froze and stared back at her friend, speechless, while Michonne grinned back at her and nudged her arm. "Just kiddin'. I make it a policy not to chase after a guy if he's infatuated with someone else."
Beth rolled her eyes and laughed. "You're nuts. It's not like that." She was starting to get flustered and waved her hands in the air. "I'm gonna go pee now. Can you cover me?"
Michonne smirked at her and nodded, following her down the steps and over to a bush that Beth crept behind. Just as she pulled her pants up and came out they started hearing a commotion inside the church.
Michonne pulled her katana out of its sheath while someone, it sounded like Daryl, called out Beth's name frantically. When the door opened they could hear Rick inside, saying, "I'm sure she's alright, Daryl. Just calm down."
Daryl rushed out to the top of the steps, crossbow in hand, eyes darting around until he located Beth. "Where were ya? I woke up and you weren't there!"
Beth stood on the grass, looking up at him, bewildered. "I had to pee."
"Oh." He shifted awkwardly and lowered his crossbow.
"Yeah. Oh." Beth smirked up at him.
"You think this is funny?" Daryl glared at her half-heartedly.
"No." Beth shook her head firmly but couldn't keep her lips from twitching.
He grumbled something under his breath and motioned impatiently with his arm for her to come back inside. "Get your ass in here, Greene. Ya shouldn't be out here."
Beth rolled her eyes dramatically, baffled by the way he was fussing over her, but then caught Michonne's look as she moved past. The woman's eyebrow was raised and she gave her a cheeky grin that Beth met with narrowed eyes.
Daryl watched her like a hawk as she stretched out on her sleeping bag before laying down, himself. He spoke over his shoulder, "You need to go out again, you let me know and I'll go with ya."
"Daryl," Beth disagreed with him gently. "You need your rest."
He grunted and folded his arm underneath his head again. "Need you to be safe more."
She smiled and craned her head to look at him but his eyes were closed, so she did the same and soon fell into a deep sleep.
Credit to Vince Gill for "Go Rest High on that Mountain"
I don't know if I successfully described Beth's panic attack or not. I'm sure others have varying symptoms. I could only base it off an attack I had last year, minus the swaying trees, that came hand in hand with an unexpected medical diagnosis and anxiety over work. Either way, I wouldn't wish one on anybody. They fucking suck.
You know the drill...Please leave a comment!