You guys are wonderful. seriously, it's absolutely amazing to come read these reviews and see how much my work is liked! Things have been going downhill for me lately and writing makes me feel tons better but it's even more wonderful when I see how happy people are with it!
Anyway, question time for anyone who will answer! This fic has gotten much longer than I intended and I'm still writing! I had every intention to start a sequel, down the road, when Katniss and Peeta celebrate a particular anniversary. However, I keep thinking I need to end this soon and begin a sequel. Does it bother you that it's so long? Do you think I run the risk of not getting new readers, or does it even matter how many chapters there are?
Side note, I wrote my new favorite chapter today but you're in for a wait cause it's like 30 chapters down the road ;) haha! Please continue to leave those reviews! Will try to post another this weekend!
XOXOX
I haven't slept and know I need to go hunting. I glance at the clock and see that it's far too late. If I could move from my bed, I would see that the sun is high in the sky now. I had told Helga I would come help at the Orphanage too but I don't feel like moving. All I want is my husband.
It's our wedding anniversary. One year since I took his hand and pledged to be his forever, when I gave him a ring and assured him it was always and would always be him.
I feel a surge of hatred towards Paylor and the government, before I remember it's not her fault. The people of Panem don't trust me and some still call for my execution. I didn't know that until just a few months ago.
Peeta had been watching some stupid Capitol drama that Plutarch was clearly responsible for, when he announced he was going to take a shower and go to bed. He kissed me goodnight and I changed the channel, to find myself watching some kind of court proceedings. Then I heard my name ring out.
"Katniss Everdeen is a danger to society and needs to be eliminated immediately! We don't need what happened to President Coin, happening to President Paylor!"
"Objection, Your Honor," I saw Haymitch jump to his feet angrily. His hands were shaking and I didn't think it was from the drink this time. "Katniss Everdeen had just cause for her actions, which I have already presented to you. You heard from her therapist of how her state of mind is. Combine her post traumatic stress disorder to the torture of her fiancé and the death of her sister and you have someone who cannot be expected to hold such a responsibility. Alma Coin was guilty of manipulation and first-degree murder."
"And who appointed Miss Everdeen to carry out Alma Coin's sentence," a man spat out. "She took justice into her own hands! She needs to be punished! Your Honor, I call for the death penalty for one Katniss Everdeen of District 12."
I gaped at the TV, unable to move. I heard the water running upstairs so I got up and ran across the way to Haymitch's house. I was relieved to find him sitting on the porch in his rocking chair.
"Late night visitor," he said quietly. "What can I do for you, sweetheart?"
"You kept me from being executed." It wasn't a question but I saw a flicker of surprise on his face.
"Yeah. I did." I didn't know what I expected but maybe for him to protest, assure me that it wouldn't have come to that.
He didn't. He stared at me with a raised brow.
"You killed the president of District 13, Katniss. Did you expect everyone to be happy about that?"
"I was a rebel, like them. Why did they want to punish me?"
"You have to understand, sweetheart, Coin was really good with lies and deceit. But she did want what was best for her district. She played the game really well. Everyone did. Snow was good at covering his tracks and playing teams against each other. So was Coin. Panem thought that they would have a new leader and they didn't know how bad Coin was yet. When you were imprisoned, evidence was presented that Coin was responsible for the Capitol bombs and that's when we started getting the Judge to change his mind about sentencing you. In the end, as you know, it was decided that you would be returned to your home and kept under close watch. I accepted the assignment of keeping watch over you, which would be taken over by Peeta once he was deemed fit enough to return to you."
I was shocked, hurt, and confused.
"We all thought Peeta was lost forever," I said slowly. "You didn't even know if he would return to me."
"Sweetheart, I knew the boy a lot better than you did. I knew how deep his love for you ran. I knew he would overcome it. I didn't know when but I knew one day he would come back to you." I stood there and stared at my mentor. He shifted in his chair.
"You know, you thought that it was my strategy, for him to tell the world he loved you. Back in your first games, remember?" I could only nod.
"He was the one who told me he had been in love with you for years. That he was willing to die for you and that he would do anything to protect you in the arena. I knew at that moment that those Games would be different because I'd never seen someone so head over heels in love go into that arena. I knew the love story would get you sponsors but my greatest regret is letting you go in there, thinking it was just a strategy. I know you did what you had to, to survive, and Peeta knows that too but I can't help but wonder, if I had just told him to confess it to you before he confessed it to the world…would it have made any difference?"
I didn't answer. How could I, when I didn't even know that answer myself?
My legs felt heavy and numb but somehow I had found my way back to my house where Peeta was waiting for me inside. He was sitting on the stairs and the TV had been turned off. He jumped up as soon as I walked through the door and his arms were around me in seconds.
"You're home. You're safe." I nodded, unable to speak. He pulled away, stroking my cheek. "Forget it, Katniss. What's done is done, you know. We can't change it. And Panem let you live for me. Everyone knew how much I needed you."
"You knew?" He nodded.
"Aurelius finally told me about the courts and their sentence. I was outraged when he said they almost had you executed. Even when I was coming back from my poisoned mind, I knew that was unfair and unjust. But Haymitch started coming to see me and he and Aurelius would both talk to me about you. Find out about how I felt about you. I guess…before he left to come back here, Haymitch could see that I could never stop loving you."
"You're sentenced to watch over me," I said bitterly, almost spitting the word. "Is that why you came back? To fulfull your assignment?"
"I came back because I knew I still felt something for you. I came back because 12 is my home, because it's where you are. Aurelius asked me if I wanted to go to District 4 with Annie, or another district to get away from everything but I said I had to return to 12. If just to see you again." He pulled me into his arms and I closed my eyes at the feel of his hand stroking my back.
"I love you Katniss. I loved you then and I love you now. I think I love you more every day. Nothing could keep me away from you. Nothing."
And he took me upstairs and I fell asleep in his arms.
Now I miss those arms wrapping around me. I don't know the number to the hospital and imagine he is with Finn anyway. So I have to wait until he calls me.
Somehow I drag myself out of bed and fix myself some lunch. The house is quiet and I don't like it. It reminds me too much of what it was like when I first returned to 12. When I believed my life was over.
When my phone rings that night, I trip over the table trying to get to it.
"Hello," I breathe into the phone.
"Sing to me, Katniss." His voice is choked with tears and he sounds exhausted. I grip the phone as I lower myself to the floor.
"Peeta-"
"Please. I'm surrounded by these horrors and the only things that can always make me feel better are your voice and your arms. Since I can't hold you right now, I need your voice. Sing to me. Please." I can deny him nothing so I start humming an old tune I remember my father singing.
Twas on one dark and stormy night The snow was on the ground The sailor boy was at his post His ship was outward bound
His sweetheart standing by his side She mourned a bitter tear Though as he pressed her to his side He whispered in her ear
Farewell, my own true love This parting gives me pain And you will be my guiding star 'Til I return again
And then I think of you, my love While storms are raging high Then, oh sweetheart, remember me Your faithful sailor boy
I listen while he cries quietly and he sniffles loudly.
"Thank you Katniss. That was beautiful. Did he…did he ever make it home? The sailor, I mean?" I don't want to tell him the end of the song. That the sailor boy died at sea and sent his love a note that said they would meet again in Heaven. In hindsight it may not have been the best song to sing to him.
"Of course. And they live together happily. You need to come home soon, so we can live together happily."
"God I miss you," he moans.
"I miss you too. Now tell me what's wrong."
"Annie is…well, she's not able to make any sound decisions about her son's health at the moment. It's fallen on Johanna and I to make such decisions."
"Decisions like what?"
"Like whether we let the doctors remove Finn's leg." I gasp, my hand flying to my mouth. I hear Peeta sob quietly and wish I could wrap my arms around him.
"Is is that serious?"
"He's in so much pain, Katniss. And the poison and these wounds run deep. They don't think he will ever walk the same and it will take him months, maybe even years, to recover. But I just can't do it. I can't condemn that sweet little boy to that kind of fate.
"It may be an act of mercy, Peeta," I try to reason with him. "It may really help him. What does Johanna think?"
"She's with the doctors. She thinks they should remove it and that it will help with the pain. She says it will be better for him, because he has me in his life. And I can help him with this because I know what he's going through. But he's still so young."
"She's right. You can be there for him. I think Johanna and the doctors are right, Peeta. If Finn's injuries are that serious, you need to think of what will be best for him in the long run." I hear him sigh heavily and sniffle again.
"Now I understand why you never want children." I freeze, gripping the phone.
"Too many uncertainties. Too many horrors. I'm freaking out bad enough about Finn and I can't imagine how it would be if it were my son. Maybe you're right. Maybe having children is just too terrifying to think about, because of the world we live in." I hate hearing my optimistic husband sounding so defeated. Sure I don't want kids but that doesn't mean I want Peeta feeling like this.
"Peeta, do you know what being with you has taught me?"
"What?"
"That even though life has its uncertainties, we can't dwell on what has happened or what might happen. We'll never be happy that way. You taught me to look forward and as long as I have you by my side, I can handle whatever comes my way. You're my ray of sunshine, Peeta. And for the first time in my life, I look forward to the future because you are in my life."
Well, that just did it. I hear him sobbing hysterically and I wish more than ever that I could hold him. I let him cry until he comes back to the phone and apologizes.
"I'm a mess right now. I just want to be home with you."
"I know. But Finn needs you more than I do right now. Go take care of our godson and do what is best for him. Call me later if you need me."
"I always need you," he mutters and I can't help but smile.
"I love you, Peeta."
"And I love you Katniss." He hangs up and I hope against hope that he does the right thing for Finn.
I'm running through the Arena when I hear the phone ring. I turn around and frown. That's strange. Just as I see the jabberjays approaching, I jerk awake and grab at the phone.
"'Lo," I say sleepily.
"I'm sorry," Peeta says hurriedly. "I forgot what time it is and oh god, I feel terrible."
"No! You just saved me from what could have been a terrible nightmare. I saw the jabberjays coming and then I woke up."
"One of the worst moments of my life," he says. "Watching you try to escape those mutts. The look of horror on your face. And I was completely powerless to help you."
"Are you alright," I hastily change the subject.
"I can't sleep. Finn's operation is first thing in the morning and I am freaking out. Johanna has tried to get me to take something to help me sleep but I refused. Annie is still sleeping and doesn't know what we are planning to do. I'm terrified that she and Finn will be livid when they find out, Katniss. What if they hate us for this?"
"They'll both understand that it's for the best," I tell him gently. "We don't want him to be in pain. Annie doesn't want that either and if this is the best way to make sure he won't be in pain, then she will understand that."
"I know, it's just…I'm afraid for him, Katniss. I felt like such a freak when I returned to 12. And without you to keep me company…I dunno, I felt even more like an outsider." I wince and bite my lip. He must sense my guilt because he quickly apologizes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. But…well, whenever I saw my friends from school or something, they treated me differently because I was a Victor. And then when they saw my prosthetic leg, they gave me these awful looks of pity. Pity is more painful than rage. That's the only time I appreciated my mother's not-so-kind words. Because she was the only one who didn't look at me like I was dying. She just yelled at me that I wasn't special and to get back to work." I grit my teeth and bite back the names I want to call the witch who raised my sweet husband. I try not to speak ill of the dead. So I won't say anything about her at all.
"It's different now, Peeta. You know, Panem has merged and people are more understanding and accepting. We're not punished for being different or living differently. Things will be better for Finn. It may be difficult at first but he will be just fine. He's the child of Victors. He's the godson of Victors. His life will be different, Peeta. We will make sure he is loved and treated well."
"Then I hope you think like that down the road," he says through a yawn. "Our children would be loved and protected. And Katniss…all I can see is a little girl with your hair and your eyes. So beautiful and perfect and so real." He sounds tired, his voice floating, and I wonder if he would be saying this if he weren't deprived of sleep.
"Maybe, Peeta. We will talk about it again in a couple of years." He makes a small 'hmm' and I hear soft snoring. I smile and settle in the blankets, the phone resting on my cheek, and I fall asleep to his steady breathing as if he were in the bed beside me.