Peeta seems to go limp in my arms. Behind me, Doctor Mersa hasn't moved. I can't bring myself to tear my eyes away from Peeta. He slumps against me, breathing heavy, but his arms wrap around me.
"Katniss," I hear him whisper and I know he's back. I raise his face to kiss his lips and he shakes beneath me.
"I'm right here," I assure him. "You're safe in my arms. Always." He blinks and leans back a little.
"I'm sorry," he says, looking ashamed and I take his face in my hands again.
"Don't be. Ever. Why don't you wait outside for me and I will be finished shortly?" He nods and he looks back at Doctor Mersa, his mouth opening as if he wants to say something but he seems to think better of it. He strokes my cheek once before he goes back out into the hall. I start to approach the table but whip around and run out into the hall. He is almost to the door of the waiting room when I call his name.
"Don't…just wait for me, ok?" I see him smile slightly.
"Of course." I nod and when I turn to go back into the room, he is still standing in the hall.
"I'm sorry about that," I mutter to Doctor Mersa. She waves her hand.
"As you told him, don't be. I understand. Well, I can't possibly ever understand but I understand there is no helping it. Now then, what can I do for you today, Katniss?"
"Right. Um…well, I forgot to take my birth control pills and I'm two days late."
"And you and Peeta…?" Blushing, I nod. She smiles and pats my hand.
"You're married, Katniss. Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm going to give you a hormone tablet and you continue to take your pills regularly. I'd say for the next three days, you need to use condoms when you have sex. Or at least make sure he doesn't ejaculate inside you, ok?" I'm mortified by this conversation so I just nod. I don't care if it's considered normal for couples, I don't ever want to discuss it with anyone. She hands me a pink tablet and a cup of water and I swallow it down. She nods in approval and writes something on her clipboard.
"Alright Katniss, you're all set. I know how you feel about condoms, but just be as safe as you can be."
"Doctor, are there ways to ensure I can never get pregnant?" Her face falls.
"Those are extreme measures, Katniss. Have you discussed this with your husband?"
"I'm not…I mean, I'm not doing it, but I was just curious." She frowns and looks down at her clipboard. She doesn't seem to want to look at me for the rest of the visit.
"There are various medical procedures we can conduct on both you and Mr. Mellark."
"Wait, what? What would you do to Peeta?"
"It is known as a vasectomy. It will ensure he can no longer release sperm." Oh god, I feel sick. Peeta would never…and I would never ask him to! And all this talk of permanent methods and medical procedures makes me lightheaded. I turn and grip the wall and feel her behind me.
"You're still very young, Katniss. Please don't make any hasty decisions. You told me last time that Peeta has a right to a family."
"He does but he won't get that with me," I say and I notice my voice quivers. "I mean, even if I eventually come around, who says I can? After all I have been through…can I even have children?"
"I see no reason why not. You are perfectly healthy and everything looks to be in good shape down there." I blush and shake my head. She pats my arm and pushes a bag into my hands.
"There's some extra pills in there. Take them tonight with dinner. I'll see you next month for your scheduled appointment?" I nod and she escorts me out. Peeta is sitting in the waiting area, wringing his hands. He jumps up when he sees me and I give him a small smile.
"Everything alright?" I nod.
"Just need to be careful for a few days, that's all." He breathes and his hands rest on my waist. My eyes search his and I see he still looks pale.
"Are you alright?" He clears his throat, looking embarrassed.
"I'm fine. I'm sorry about that, I just…"
"I know. And I told you to stop apologizing for your flashbacks." He sighs heavily.
"I just wish they would stop interrupting our lives."
"You are so strong, Peeta, and have come so far. I knew when I married you they would be a part of our lives. As long as I can help bring you back and you can fight it off, we have nothing to worry about." His hand slips into mine and squeezes.
"You're my rock, Katniss." I smile and cup his chin.
"You're my everything, Peeta."
Thanksgiving is a small affair for us and decide to just cook for the two of us. Dane is home taking care of Cora and when we invite Hazelle and the kids, she tells us she is taking them to 2 to visit Gale. It surprises me that Rory is going but I think the boys need to work out their differences. Peeta and I have a quiet evening in front of the fireplace and enjoy the pie that he baked earlier this morning. I notice that as far as intimacy goes, we are a bit strained. He doesn't seem to want to push and I am grateful for that. I continued to take my birth control as scheduled and haven't missed any others but I am still scared. Is there a chance I could have Peeta's child inside me? And what will I do if it is? I can't possibly keep it. But then, I could never do anything to hurt Peeta either.
I feel him stroking my cheek and I glance up at him. He smiles and pokes at the corner of my mouth.
"Tell me what you're thinking."
"Just thinking how much food we are going to make for Christmas this year." He quirks a brow and I know he doesn't believe me.
"You're a terrible liar, love."
"How do you know that's not what I'm thinking about?"
"Your frown lines are much more prominent these days," he nudges my mouth, trying to make me smile. "Come on Katniss, I know you. I've watched you for years, remember? I know when something is bothering you. So tell me what it is."
"It's nothing," I say dismissively. "Just worried about Finn. That's all." He watches me for a moment before he shakes his head.
"Ok," he says in resignation before he rises to his feet and announces he is going to bed. I watch him sadly, knowing I've upset him. He gets scared whenever I don't tell him something. But how can I tell him I'm scared I may be pregnant? He wouldn't be able to contain the joy. He couldn't control the eagerness and longing in his eyes. I know him. He will pretend to be unhappy about it, for me, and that makes it even worse.
I can't. When I go upstairs, I find him already in bed, turned away from me. He is almost at the edge of the bed and I climb in beside hm. There is a distance between us and neither of us fills it. I fall asleep and have nightmares all night. But I don't scream out. I don't even writhe and shake. I keep it all in, as much as I possibly can. If Peeta has noticed anything is wrong, he certainly isn't letting on.
The silence continues for two days. I think about calling Annie to ask her but I know she will be busy taking care of Finn. So I swallow heavily and dial my mother's number. I am surprised when she picks up and I take a deep breath.
"Mom, I need to know how long before I can take a pregnancy test," I say in one breath. The line is silent.
"Katniss, why do you think you are pregnant?"
"I don't think I am! But I want to be sure."
"Have you been experiencing any fatigue? Naseua? Are you breasts sore?"
"Just a little tired. But not really sick. I mean, I have been-"
"Then I don't think you have anything to worry about it," she cuts me off.
"Mom, I forgot my pills," I say desperately. "What if I am?" She sighs.
"You can go to the store and take one today, if you like. It's nearly been two weeks, hasn't it?" I quickly scan the calendar and nod.
"Just about."
"Some women take much longer than others to show symptoms. Most pregnancy alerts come six weeks in. But you can probably take a test this early on. I don't think you are, Katniss, but I know how much you want to be sure. Do it while Peeta is at work." I frown and hold back my retort when I realize she is right. It will get his hopes up and all my fears will be confirmed.
I thank her and hang up and pull on my coat and gloves. I keep my head lowered as I pass the bakery, determined not to look into the windows and see my husband hard at work.
I carry the plastic bag clenched in my fists and go straight to the bathroom. Those ten minutes that I wait are the most excruciating minutes of my life. When I glance at my watch, I heave a deep breath before turning the stick over.
Negative. I hadn't realized I had stopped breathing until I let it all out. I'm not pregnant. I slump to the floor and curl up in a ball. For one tiny second, I'm disappointed. And then I hit myself for even thinking it. I don't want kids, right? So why do I feel so…empty?