Long chapter ahead! Hope you enjoy ;)

Also, I am loving the speculation on Katniss's decision to have children. I feel like I should tell you, I plan to stay very close to Collin's original work. If you know what that means, great, if not...well, you'll have to wait and see what happens! ;) Please no spoilers for anyone who has not read the books. Although I feel that I have done that already, lol.

A huge welcome to the new readers! And thank you all for continuing to support me in this!

XOXOXO

I pull the garland around the tree and glance up at the ceiling. Katniss still hasn't come down and I'm getting really worried. She's been hiding in the bed a lot and blames it on the cold weather but I know she's been avoiding me. I don't really know why though. After our visit to Dr. Mersa I thought things would go back to normal but clearly I was wrong. We haven't made love in weeks. She will barely touch me, let alone look at me. It feels like it did before we got married and I can't stand it. This morning I came downstairs to make her cheesebuns but when I yelled up the stairs what I had made, she still didn't come down. So I set to decorating for Christmas, trying to distract myself with preperations. I hear a knock at the door and see Posy's grinning face through the window. I throw it open and hug both Hawthornes.

"Well hello Posy! Rory, how are you two doing?"

"We're fine. Mom wanted us to go shopping for some things for Christmas dinner and Posy insisted we stop by and see if you needed any help with decorating." I grin down at the little girl whom I have grown very fond of.

"That would be so great, Posy, thank you. Here, why don't you finish this strand of garland and I can start putting the ornaments on the tree?"

I want to ask Rory how his visit with Gale in 2 went. I know he didn't really want to go but his mother convinced him it would be good for everyone. I do too, to be honest. Rory's always looked up to his brother. I'm sure Gale feels shut off from his family, being in 2 while they are here. I'm silent, though, as I listen to Posy go on and on about what she hopes Santa will bring her this year.

Rory helps his sister with the garland and wreaths and I almost have the tree completely decorated when Posy gasps.

"Peeta, it's so pretty! It's time to put the star on top!"

"It sure is. Would you like to do the honors?" I hold the silver star out to her but she shakes her head.

"Katniss did it last year. She should put it up there again." I bite my lip.

"She, um, isn't feeling too great Posy."

"Peeta! You should make her breakfast in bed!"

"I tried. She just wouldn't come downstairs." Rory frowns and tries to catch my eye but I busy myself with the star in my hands.

"So, um, Posy, would you like to put the star up there?" She takes it from my hand but instead of putting it on the tree, she runs up the stairs with it. I gasp and Rory and I take off after her.

"Posy!"

"Katniss! Katniss, it's Posy!" I hear the little girl calling out.

"Damn it," I hear Rory curse behind me and I burst into our bedroom to find Posy sitting on the bed, shaking Katniss.

"Posy, come on, let's-"

"Come on Katniss, are you really sick?" She looks scared and worried and I sigh. I watch Katniss sit up and hug the little girl.

"I'm fine, Posy. Just tired. What do you have there?"

"The star for the Christmas tree. You put it on last year, I think you should do it again this year."

"Well aren't you sweet. Give me a moment to get dressed, ok? I'll be right down." Posy claps her hands excitedly and runs out of the room. Katniss's eyes meet mine for a moment before she looks away and makes her way to the closet.

"I made you cheesebuns," I call toward the closet.

"Thank you. That was really nice of you." Her voice sounds strained and I peer into the closet to see her pulling on a shirt. I lean against the threshold and sigh.

"Katniss, what's happening to us?" She doesn't turn around.

"What do you mean?"

"We're married and we're acting like we did when I first came back to 12. I don't want to feel like that…like before our wedding, when we nearly fell apart. I feel like…like I am losing you all over again." She straightens her shirt and quickly braids her hair on the side. Then she comes over to me and her arms go around my neck. I stare down at her, searching her eyes for any reason why she has been shutting me out.

"I'm sorry Peeta," she whispers. "I'm ok, I promise. I was just really scared after I missed my pills and…well, anyway. I'm fine. I didn't know Posy was visiting." I sigh at her change of subject. But I ignore it and nod.

"Yeah Rory brought her over to help with decorations. Will you join us?"

"Yeah I'll be right down." I lean down and kiss her cheek and she smiles but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. I trudge back downstairs and Posy is waiting impatiently by the tree. When Katniss joins us, Posy shoves the star into her hands. Katniss stands on her tiptoes to reach the top of the tree but it is taller than the one we had last year. I carefully hoist her up and one of her hands squeezes my shoulder while she reaches up and attaches the star to the branch. When I lower her again, my arm doesn't leave her waist. Posy giggles.

"It's beautiful!"

"You did a good job, Posy," Katniss says, though she shoots me a wink. I grin.

"She did, didn't she? Rory and I helped."

"Sorry I wasn't here to help. I've been feeling under the weather lately."

"The star is the most important part," Posy shrugs. "Katniss, are you going to the Jingle Bell Ball?"

"The what," we both say in unison.

"It's just like the Halloween party in town! Mayor Brent wants to have a big Christmas party in town and is calling it Jingle Bell Ball. Mama says I can have a new dress for that night!"

"Well that's going to be pretty special indeed," Katniss says, tugging on Posy's braids. "When is this ball going to be?"

"Three days before Christmas," Rory answers. "Like Halloween, other districts are invited." I notice he doesn't sound too thrilled by this.

"Well, I'm sure we'll go," I glance at Katniss. "Sounds like fun." She nods in agreement but she doesn't look too excited either. I don't get it. She was positively giddy about Halloween. What's wrong with Christmas?

"We had better go. We still need to go to the store," Rory says, his arm around his sister. Posy hugs Katniss then throws her arms around me.

"Bye Katniss! Bye Peeta!"

"Bye Posy," Katniss and I wave them off and I shut the door behind them. Katniss is chewing on a cheesebun and staring up at the tree. I slide my arm around her shoulder and watch her eat.

"It looks great," she says, gesturing toward the tree.

"Thanks. They did a lot of it though."

"The house looks so nice, Peeta."

"I thought a little Christmas cheer would, you know, help cheer you up." I shrug apologetically and she turns back to me, her hands resting on my waist. She doesn't move her fingers underneath my shirt or move them down to gently squeeze my ass, as she usually does. They just sit there over my jeans. I sigh and wrap my arms around her, pressing my forehead to hers.

"Are we really ok?"

"Yes," she says firmly. "We're fine. I need to go to the store for some things myself." She breaks away from my embrace and I want to collapse on the table. But then I feel her hand on mine.

"Come with me?" I nod and take her hand and pull our coats off the rack. I bundle her up in a nicer coat of mine and wrap a scarf around her neck. She looks up at me and I have to laugh at the sight of her completely buried in thick material, only her eyes peeking out.

"Don't laugh at me," she grumbles but it is muffled by the scarf. I bite my lip.

"Sorry. But I haven't laughed like that in several days. It feels good." Her eyes soften and her glove-covered fingers find mine and we head outside.

It is bitterly cold today and I almost ask her if we can just stay in and have hot chocolate but then I see Thom's wagon passing by. I wave and see the carriage stop. Delly is sitting beside him and she hops down and runs over to us.

"Darlings, I haven't seen you two in ages," she gushes, reminding me very much of Effie. "How have you been?"

"It's too cold to go out, Del," I tell her honestly. "We've been hiding from the cold mostly."

"I understand that. Are you heading to town? You can ride with us if you like. Thom is escorting me to Merchant Circle to find a nice gift for Brent." I notice she blushes when she says this and I smile.

"That would be wonderful. Thank you." I help Katniss up into the wagon and jump in behind her. She settles against me and I open my coat and pull her against my chest. She sighs at the warmth and I rest my chin on her head.

"Remind me I want to come back to this later," she turns her head to whisper in my ear. "With hot chocolate."

"Sounds perfect," I tell her, squeezing her hand.

That night, as we're lying on the couch with our steaming mugs, the silence is biting instead of comforting. I find myself wishing that Annie and Finn would come early, just so I don't have to endure this silence anymore.

A married man shouldn't feel this way. What is wrong with me?!

I sit up and set my mug on the floor. When she doesn't react, I inch closer to her and start kissing her neck and smile when I hear her moan. My teeth graze her earlobe and she sucks in a breath as my hands start to wander. When I push her legs apart, she sits straight up and her eyes are wide.

"I um…I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm really tired and I'd like to go hunt in the morning."

"Um…ok…" I watch her, baffled, as she takes her mug to the kitchen and practically runs up the stairs.

She's running from me. What in the hell is wrong now?

Did I do something wrong? Did I have a nightmare or a flashback where I hurt her? Did she see that Merchant girl flirting with me at the Bakery last week?

What is happening to us?

I blink in confusion and glance down at my tented boxers. Damn it. Gritting my teeth, I reach into my underwear and grasp myself. It seems like it is out of necessity tonight and that does't make it any easier. But I hold in my gasps and groans as I stroke myself to completion. I sigh when I'm finished, taking my mug into the kitchen and washing my hands in the sink. When I go upstairs, Katniss is already in bed. I know better than to think she's asleep but I allow her to pretend anyway. I throw my shirt aside and climb in behind her, leaning down to kiss her exposed shoulder. I don't linger, for the fear of making her uncomfortable. I don't know why she has suddenly shied away from being intimate but I have a feeling it was her missed pill incident. I don't know why that should scare her so badly though. We knew right away she couldn't be pregnant, right? Is there going to be a prolonged period of abstinence? I'd kind of like to know that, if there is. I sigh and settle down behind her and when I hear her breathing grow heavier, I know she is asleep. I inch my arm underneath her and roll her into my chest, burying my face in her hair. She lets out a contented sigh and her fingers entwine with mine. For a moment, things feel normal again. I don't know what she'll do when she wakes up but for now, I enjoy the feel of her in my arms again.

I wake to an empty bed. I sit up and look around and see her father's hunting jacket is gone. I hate when she goes hunting when it's this cold out. A number of things could happen in the snow and I'm left at the Bakery going out of my mind with worry.

Sighing, I throw the covers off and shiver as a cold breeze wraps around me. I pad to the window to slam it shut before I go to the closet to get dressed. I feel a tingling on my lips and wonder if it was just in my dreams or did Katniss really kiss me this morning. I sigh in frustration and hurriedly dress for work.

Katniss's game bag is missing as well, so I know she will be in the woods for a few hours. The districts are doing much better with food and I wish she didn't have to hunt anymore. But I understand why she does. The woods are still her safe haven. A place for her to think and she has said before that she feels useless now, with no one to provide for. I suppose I can understand that, I mean she did keep her family alive for years. Now a days, the districts are well fed and very few go hungry. The orphanage is Katniss's number one concern and even it is doing better. Panem has grown and flourished and I'm still proud to say I had a hand in that.

I blink when the door opens and Dane comes in, wearing a goofy grin.

"Dane, I didn't think you were coming in today."

"Cora is much better this morning so she told me to come into work. I'm sorry she has been calling in." I shrug it off.

"She's pregnant, Dane. Tell her to take all the time she needs. Her job is waiting for her when she wants it again." I don't mention that I hired another young lady, a Merchant girl who used to work in her father's hat shop. She is supposed to start her training tomorrow so I secretly hope Dane stays home. Then again, I need the shifts covered and if Dane and Cora need to stay home, I won't fault them for it. I want Cora and the baby to be as healthy as possible and I'm a completely understanding boss, I feel.

"Hey Peeta, that lady is asking for you again. You know, the widow from last week." I try not to roll my eyes. A Merchant girl by the name of Daniela has been coming in to buy cheesebuns all week and she is a terrible flirt. I remember her from when I was young. She actually went out with Ryean at some point and I'm pretty sure he took her to the slag heap. She married one of the Grigory's, who were glassblowers. I'd heard they all died in the bombing but she somehow made it to 13. Gale and Thom must have pulled her out. Merchant Circle was the first thing hit, Thom told me later on.

I blink back tears as I think about the burning bakery with my family inside. I feel someone nudge me and I jerk forward.

"Sorry Peeta," Rory says, holding his hands in the air. "Do you want me to get rid of her?"

"Thanks Rory but I'll take care of it." I straighten my apron and go out to the front. Daniela leans across the counter and her breasts practically spill out of her dress.

"Hi Peeta," she says with a huge grin.

"Morning Daniela. What can I get for you today?"

"Oh some more of your delicious buns would be excellent," she leers at me and I roll my eyes as I turn away. I grab two cheesebuns from the display case and bag them for her. When I hand them to her, her hand grabs mine.

"Peeta, why don't I ever see you with that lovely wife of yours?" I shake myself from her grasp and clear my throat.

"She stays busy with the Orphanage. She's petitioning to have foster care brought to District 12. Did you know she is responsible for the rebuilding and expansion of the orphanage and all of the extra commodities they now have?" Her smile hitches a little bit.

"You don't say."

"Yeah, I'm really proud of her," I press on. "And not only that, she set up food banks in four districts and continued to send them food that she hunted."

"Well. Sounds like your Mockingjay is quite a savior."

"She is," I say honestly and I bite back a smile at her scowl. "She's my whole world."

"Well. Isn't that something. Thank you for the cheesebuns, Peeta. Keep the change." She flounces out and I chuckle to myself. I hadn't noticed a customer sitting at the table until he shot me a thumbs up. I recognize him as a Seam boy who used to work at the mine with Gale. He grins and shakes his head.

"I hope I find a love as strong as that one day. She sounds like one special girl, Mr. Mellark."

"She is." I glance at the clock and bite my lip. If I hurry home, I may be able to surprise her with an early dinner. I imagine she's gone to the orphanage and will be back later tonight. I run to the kitchen and throw my apron on the rack.

"Rory, you ok with closing by yourself tonight?"

"Yeah of course. Everything ok?"

"Yeah. I have this amazing woman at home and I'm afraid I haven't told her how incredible she is in awhile." I see Rory roll his eyes but Dane and Riley laugh.

"Go home and tell her then," Dane says, throwing a towel at me. Grinning, I run out into the bitter cold and practically jog back home.

When I get inside and close the door, I stomp the snow off my shoes and hang up my coat. I see the kitchen light is on and Katniss's game bag is thrown to the side. That's weird. I wonder if she stopped at home on her way to the orphanage. I head upstairs to change clothes before I start on dinner but I freeze in the hall just outside our room. I hear heavy breathing and small gasps. I'm about to go in and ask what is wrong when I hear a buzzing sound and my eyes widen. I hear Katniss squeal and hear the vibrations increase.

Holy shit. Holy shit is she doing what I think she's doing?!

A part of me tells me to go back downstairs until she is finished. But another part of me wants to watch. And the little sounds that come out of her are making me come alive. My hand drifts down and I start to rub myself through my jeans. I notice and jerk my hand away.

Ugh you're an asshole, Mellark.

I hear her moans get louder and I start to wonder what she is thinking about. She's told me before that she thinks of me. I hope it's true. God I just want to see her. I chance a peek around the corner and see her on our bed. Her legs are spread wide open, her head thrown back and her eyes squeezed shut. Her hair is fanned out underneath her and her face is flushed, a gorgeous shade of pink. She's holding the wand that Johanna gave her between her legs while her other hand pumps in and out of her. I clutch the doorframe and bite my lip to hold back my own moans. My hand goes to my jeans again and it slides past the waistband of my underwear. God this is the hottest thing I have ever seen. Sure I may be a pervert. But she's my wife, dammit, and I haven't touched her in weeks. My eyes lock on her writhing form as she moves the wand back and forth over her clit, her hips jerking upwards.

"Oh god, yes! Yes, Peeta, yes!" I freeze. Holy. Shit! Did she really-?

"Peeta!" I let out a groan and unfortunately, it's a little too loud. I see her eyes snap open and she sits straight up, staring at me. The wand is still buzzing while she stares at me, her flushed face now pale. I'm frozen in fear, my hand still down my pants, standing in the middle of the hallway.

Shit. What now?

Neither of us speak. She flicks the wand off and drops it and she closes her legs. She looks nervous but more than that, she looks ashamed. I straighten my jeans and move into the room.

"Please don't stop." Her breath hitches and I bite my lip again.

"Please Katniss. Let me watch you." She looks as if she is going to argue. But I don't look away from her as I unbutton my jeans and shove them down my hips. I pull my cock out of my underwear and lazily stroke myself. Her teeth clamp down on her lip and she opens her legs again. The sight of her all wet and pink and perfect about makes me come right there. She doesn't look away as she picks up the wand and flicks it back on. We let out identical moans when she resumes and I can tell she is close. I hold on while she jerks off the bed and comes all over her hand. Damn it I want to be inside her when she comes. She collapses and drops the buzzing wand, her chest heaving as she lays on the bed. I pick up the wand and turn it off, flinging it aside. I move onto the bed in front of her and lean down to kiss her inner thigh. She gasps and jerks and I repeat my actions. I pick up her hand and bring her fingers to my mouth, sucking every inch of her off of them. She chews on her lip and leans up to look at me and I stroke her thighs with my fingertips. Before she can protest, I slide inside her and our eyes remain locked on each other's. I'm slow at first, keeping our movements gentle and unhurried. But I start to feel my climax approaching and I want to take her with me. I pick up my pace, thrusting my hips against hers. I reach down and stroke her as I plunge in and out of her. She gasps and yanks me down for a kiss. She bites my tongue none too gently and I snap my hips forward. I feel her clench around me and she breaks the kiss to gasp.

"Pull out, Peeta! Finish…finish on me!" I'm too far gone to protest so I pull out of her quickly as I can and release all over her breasts. I stroke myself and let out a deep grunt as I watch the pearly liquid coat her nipples. I collapse forward and rest my hands on either side of her head, giving her gentle kisses. I watch her swipe a finger across her breast, then raise it to her mouth. My jaw drops and she smirks up at me.

"God Katniss, please just kill me now."

"I don't think so. You're stuck with me. That is, if you still want to be stuck with me," her voice quiets and my brow goes into my hairline, I feel like.

"Did that not just prove that I still want to be with you?" She smiles sadly and leans up to kiss me. But I break away, frowning.

"Katniss. Tell me what is wrong. Please." I can practically see her inner turmoil.

"I thought I might be pregnant, Peeta." My eyes widen and my mouth is hanging open. Nope, did not expect that!

"Um…so…when did you…um…" why can't I form a damn sentence?!

"I was feeling tired and sick. I was terrified that I was so I bought a test. When I saw it said negative, I decided I couldn't tell you. You would have been so happy and I couldn't bear to see that smile disappear…you…I didn't want…" I pull her into my arms and know I'm probably crushing her. But we don't seem to care. She buries her face in my chest and I hold her close. Her body starts to shake and I feel warm tears on my arm. My arms tighten around her and I stroke her hair.

"Katniss," I sigh. "You know you can tell me anything. And I would rather you tell me than go through something like that alone. Is that why you haven't let me touch you all this time?" She gives a little nod against my shoulder.

"Oh baby. I wish you had told me. We can go back to using condoms if you want. Or we can think of other ways-"

"I'm taking my pills as usual," she says softly. "And Dr. Mersa said we would talk about more methods at my appointment at the end of the month. I was just so scared and couldn't let something like that happen again. So I didn't tell you. And I'm sorry. I should know better than to shut you out."

Yes. You should. I sigh again and squeeze her shoulders.

"Just talk to me, ok? We're a team, like always. I can help you but only if you tell me what's going through your head. I know you pretty well but I'm not a mind reader."

"I know. I'm sorry."

I pull her in for another kiss and our foreheads rest against each other. I move to get something to clean us up and I stop.

"And that's what…this is about?" I run my finger between her breasts, my own cum coating my finger. She bites her lip and nods.

"I just want us to be careful…until I'm comfortable again." I wipe my hands on the sheets-we'll have to clean them anyway- and stand up beside the bed. She looks up at me and her brow is creased with worry. I hold out my hand and she takes it, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Come on, let's take a shower and then start on dinner." She nods and stands up in front of me. I cup her chin and kiss her, before I sweep her into my arms and carry her into the bathroom.