Peeta showers quickly and gives me a quick kiss before he grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. He says he wants to go start on dinner and for me to take my time up here. I have to wonder, guiltily, if we will be able to get past this. WHY am I such a terrible wife?!
You never wanted to be a wife, anyway. That nagging voice in my head says. I close my eyes and shake my head. What does a kind wonderful man like Peeta see in a wreck like you?
Ugh. I tear the curtain open and stand in front of the mirror, drying myself off.
When I come downstairs, I hear whimpering and arguing. Frowning, I make my way to the dining room and freeze in my steps.
Peeta is handcuffed to the chair, his arms pulled at a very awkward angle. His eyes are squeezed shut and he is rocking back and forth, mumbling to himself.
"Peeta?" I cautiously approach him and his eyes snap open.
"Katniss," he says through gritted teeth. "Stay away! Please!"
"Peeta, it's ok. We're both alright. You're safe, at home." His eyes find mine and they look wide and pleading. But I ignore his warning and approach him as I would a wounded animal. I reach out and touch his shoulder and he jerks away.
"Peeta, I'm your wife. You are my husband, the only man I will ever love." He shakes his head, and his hands begin to shake. I sense that I am losing him and I fear kissing him will only make things worse.
So I start to sing softly in his ear. His shoulders relax and his hands stop shaking but he won't look at me. I lean in and wrap my arms around his shoulders, singing one of my father's favorites.
You are my flower, that's blooming in the mountain for me
You are my flower, that's blooming there for me
The grass is just as green, the sky is just as blue The day is just as bright, the birds are singing too
The air is just as pure, the sunlight just as free And nature seems to say, it's all for you and me
When summertime is gone and snow begins to fall You can sing this song and say to one and all
So wear a happy smile and life will be worthwhile Forget your tears but don't forget to smile
I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. When I feel his breathing steady, my arms tighten around him. I feel him turn his head, and his cool lips on my cheek. I open my eyes and see his staring back at me. They are blue and crystalline, brilliant as the sky outside. He leans forward and nuzzles my cheek and my hands drift down to his chain wrists.
"Where is the key," I say softly.
"On top of the refrigerator." I hurry over and stand on my tiptoes to scramble for the key. When I find it, I drop to my knees beside the chair and quickly unchain him. He rubs at his wrists for a moment and flexes his fingers. He pulls me into his lap and I wrap my arms around his neck.
"You're keeping these down here now?" He looks ashamed.
"I've been having minor flashbacks lately. Before they get too intense, I sometimes chain myself to the table, just as a precaution."
"How did I not notice this before?"
"You haven't really left the bedroom and when you do, you haven't looked at me." My heart thumps with shame and guilt. I kiss his forehead and wrap my fingers around his own.
"I'm so sorry, Peeta," I whisper as I blink back tears. He brings his hand up and uses his thumb to wipe away the tears.
"I love you, Katniss." I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his.
"And I love you."
We stay like that for a long time, just holding each other and lost in each other's embrace. When my stomach starts growling, Peeta finally releases me and chuckles lightly.
"Sounds like it's time for dinner. I had wanted to make you something special but I think that will have to wait for another day. How's spaghetti sound tonight?"
"Sounds wonderful. We still have some deer meat left over from a few days ago." He nods and I jump out of his lap. We go about making dinner together and I get excited when I see that is making cheesebuns to go with it. I catch his eye across the kitchen and he grins before he pushes them into the oven. He leans against the counter and I put down the bowl I am holding and walk over to him, his arms immediately wrapping around my waist. I find myself glad that he came home and caught me doing…that. I blush at the thought but who knows how long this excruciating silence could have gone on for? I'm too stubborn for my own good, as my husband likes to remind me. It was embarrassing at first, seeing his wide eyes right outside the bedroom but the moment he slid inside me, I forgot about everything. Now I hope that somehow, things can go back to normal between us.
My hands rest on his chest and I lean up for a kiss, my hands moving down and around his backside to grip him in my hands. He lets out a little moan and shakes his head.
"Keep that up and we will never get to eat tonight." I shrug.
"As you're constantly reminding me, we survived the Hunger Games. I think I can go a night without food."
"Yeah but I vowed you would never go hungry again," he says seriously, his finger raking over my lip. "I may have saved your life with bread once, but I never want you to feel that hunger again."
"I won't. I have you to take care of me, and I can hunt freely to make sure no one feels that hunger anymore." He kisses me and places my hands back on his chest.
"Hero. Savior. Miracle. Just a few more words to add to my list of words for you." I bite my lip, suddenly remembering his words in the Capitol.
Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancee. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I'll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out.
Peeta knows exactly what I am thinking as he sweeps my hair off my forehead and gives it a gentle kiss.
"No Katniss, no. Don't think about that time. Stay here, with me. Where our past can't hurt us anymore." I glance at his injured wrists and snuggle deeper into his chest. He sighs deeply as he wraps me in his embrace, his cheek resting on my hair.
That night, he pulls me into his arms and against his chest. He has left the window cracked and the cold breeze that comes in makes me burrow even further into his chest. His strong arms wrap around me and his chin rests on my head. I hear his soft snoring and it is my lullaby. I close my eyes and for the first time in weeks, I find peaceful dreams.
Annie and Finn are set to arrive today and Johanna and George are joining us tomorrow. The Jingle Bell Ball is the day after they arrive and we have already decided we will all go. We have invited everyone to stay in my old house so no one will have to pay for a hotel. Johanna giggles and says she and George may get their own room. I have to roll my eyes but I am really happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. Especially after everything she has been through.
Peeta helps me clean up my house and I can't believe how dusty everything has become. I sweep while Peeta replaces the sheets and blankets with fresh ones from the linen closet. I pause and stare at the floor.
"What's the matter," comes his voice from across the room.
"I just…hadn't realized it had been this long since I'd moved out of here. It feels like a strange house now. Like it's not really mine." His hands cover mine on the broom and I feel his warm breath on the back of my neck.
"That's because you have a new home now. We could have moved in here, if you had really wanted to." But I shake my head.
"Your home felt warmer. Besides, there are too many memories here." He nods and kisses my cheek.
"I know. That's why I wanted you over there, with me. So let's finish cleaning up so we can get back to our home." He smiles down at me and I return it. Once we have everything looking nice (Peeta even finds a vase and puts some flowers in the middle of the table, though I have no idea how he found them, I mean it's the middle of winter for crying out loud) we go back to our house to wait for our company to arrive.
When we hear horses' hooves, we rush outside to greet them. Thom agreed to pick them up from the station and bring them here so they wouldn't have to walk. Haymitch sits beside Annie and he jumps down to help her. Finn clings to his mother and she doesn't set him down. Thom hands Haymitch their bags and Peeta runs forward to help.
"Thank you, Peeta," Annie says warmly as Peeta kisses her on the cheek. She turns to me and she smiles. I can see she looks tired but her eyes are bright, which is a good sign.
"Katniss! Oh goodness, it's so good to see you!"
"And you Annie," I return her hug and reach up and tousle Finn's bronze curls. "And how's my little buddy doing?"
"Auntie Niss!" Finn cries when he sees me, his eyes lighting up. I see Peeta smile broadly at us as he follows us across to my house.
"We have the house cleaned and looking nice for you two," I tell her as I hold the door open for her. "You can have my room, Annie, it's the largest and Finn can sleep with you, or in the guest room down the hall."
"Thank you so much for this, Katniss," Annie says, jostling Finn a bit. "We really appreciate it."
"Annie, do you want me to take your things to Katniss's room for you?" She waves her hand.
"Don't worry about it. I will take everything upstairs later."
"Let me," Peeta insists because, well, that's Peeta. Annie gives him a grateful smile as he carries all of the luggage up the stairs. I sometimes forget how strong my husband is. Finn reaches up toward me and Annie transfers him to my arms.
"My gosh, Finn, you're getting so big!"
"Auntie Niss, look what I got!" He yanks up his pants leg and I stifle a cry. It's like seeing Peeta's prosthetic for the first time, all over again. I still remember sitting on Caesar's couch and him casually asking Peeta how it was working out for him. I hadn't known. I had leaned over and yanked his trousers up and wanted to fall down and cry at the sight of the cruel metal in place of his real leg. Now the little boy in my arms, still a baby really, has an artificial leg, just like that sixteen year old boy I fought alongside in the Games. I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs and feel him approaching me.
"What's going on?" Finn excitedly waves his pants leg around, showing us all his metal limb. I can feel Annie's intense gaze on me.
"Finn was just showing me…um…"
"New leg! Look Uncle Peeta, look!"
"I see buddy. Looks just like mine used to." He takes Finn from my arms and I quickly wipe away the tears before anyone can notice. Except I know Peeta has already noticed.
Finn wraps his arms around Peeta's neck and grins broadly. Peeta winces as Finn kicks and accidentally knocks him in the stomach with his prosthetic. Annie rushes forward to scold him but Peeta shakes his head.
"It's ok, Annie. Little guy just has to get used to it first. You tried walking around yet, Finn?"
"He has some trouble," Annie says in a low voice. "I mean he started walking pretty young but he can't seem to get a balance on it. He started therapy only a couple of weeks after his surgery but he's not taking to it as well as the doctors had hoped." Peeta gives the boy a broad smile.
"You want to take a walk with me?" Finn nods eagerly and Peeta shifts him to his other shoulder.
"We'll be back soon," Peeta mutters to Annie and me, before he shuffles out of the house. Annie looks like she is going to collapse so I offer to make us tea. I'm glad I left some groceries over here when I moved to Peeta's. She sits at the table and I set to boiling the water.
"How is it, Annie? Really?"
"He's not in so much pain and he thinks he's really cool, with a metal limb," she says tiredly, as she rubs her eyes. "But I'm getting worried that he can't walk without holding onto the wall or the stair railing. I won't even let him go down the stairs anymore. I'm paranoid, Katniss, and I don't know what to do. I can't lose my baby." I cover her hand and she grips it tightly.
"You won't, Annie. Finn's a little fighter. And at least he isn't in pain. He'll get used to the leg with time and therapy. Even Peeta had to use a cane on the victory tour. Everything will be just fine."
"I'm just so tired," she practically cries. "I can't let him out of my sight. I'm so scared something else will happen to him."
What can I say to that? Why haven't I agreed to children? For the same reason. I would be terrified that something would happen. That I wouldn't be able to protect them. Annie leans forward and rests her head on her arm and closes her eyes. I reach over and stroke her hair and she sighs contentedly.
"Rest awhile, Annie. You look dead on your feet."
"Maybe for a minute or two," she whispers though she sounds like she is already far away. I smile and continue to stroke her hair until she is fast asleep.
I feel myself nodding off as well when I hear the door open. Peeta enters the kitchen with Finn sitting on his shoulders. I put a finger to my lips and his eyes are drawn to our sleeping friend. He reaches up and pulls Finn off his shoulders and sets him in a chair.
"Why don't we let Mommy sleep a little? You hungry?" Finn nods and Peeta rolls up his sleeves.
"Alright, Katniss, why don't we make dinner over here?"
"Of course," I whisper. "I'll get it started and you can take Finn into the living room for awhile." He nods and holds out his hand. Finn jumps out the chair and toddles on his little legs, taking Peeta's outstretched hand. He is clumsy and nearly falls but Peeta steadies him and they slowly walk out of the room. I turn back to the cabinets and think about what I can make quickly. I keep it down as Annie is still sleeping but I can hear Peeta's and Finn's voices carry into the kitchen.
After I have the meat on to cook, I peer into the living room and see Peeta sitting on the couch with Finn curled up on his chest. Peeta is resting his chin on the boy's head and his eyes flutter sleepily. I lean against the doorframe, my arms crossed over my chest, as I watch, entranced. He looks so perfect like this. With a child in his arms. I feel a familiar tightening in my heart and have to turn away. I clear my throat and return to cooking dinner.
As I am mixing greens together for a salad (I silently thank Peeta for restocking the pantries this morning) , I feel arms wrap around my waist and a warm cheek pressing against my back. I freeze and my hand covers the larger one that rests on my stomach.
"Why are we all sleeping when you're in here slaving over dinner?" I smile.
"I was giving you all a chance to rest. I know you and Annie need about a year to catch up and I was surprised that you managed to get Finn down."
"He went down all by himself. We were just going to turn on the television to see if anything good was on and he fell asleep on my chest. I didn't mean to fall asleep too and leave you with all the work." He kisses my cheek and I raise my shoulders, squirming away from him. I don't need to be distracted while Annie and Finn are here. Especially since they could wake up at any time. I move to the side, to check on dinner.
"If you want to grab some rolls out of the freezer and pop them into the oven, that would help." I hear an exasperated sigh.
"Katniss, I'm a baker. I can't just…pop frozen rolls into the oven." He shudders and I roll my eyes.
"Well we don't have time for you to make a whole new loaf of bread, baker boy," I recall Johanna's nickname for him and he wrinkles his nose. "Well dinner will be ready in ten minutes. If you can make something in that time, be my guest."
"Stand aside," he says as he rolls up his sleeves. "One batch of Mellark Cheesebuns coming up." He moves me to the side so he can pull out the dishes he needs and I watch him with my brow raised.
True to his word, my baker produces a mouth-watering batch of my favorite treat and I still have a minute on the meat. I shake my head as I lean in to kiss him.
"I'm impressed." His hands rest on my waist and he smirks.
"You doubted me?"
"I didn't grow up in the bakery," I remind him. "I don't know how long all of this can take."
"And all the times I have made cheesebuns for you, though," he chuckles. "Katniss, I'm wounded. Truly. You doubted me." I laugh and shove him away.
"Go wake up Finn. I'll let Annie know dinner is ready." He nods and kisses my forehead before he shuffles off into the living room. I gently shake Annie's shoulder and she moans.
"Annie," I whisper. "Dinner's ready."
"Finnick?" She sits up and her eyes are wide. She takes moment as she focuses them on me and then she blinks. "Oh. Katniss, I'm really sorry."
"Don't be. Um…I'm sorry to wake you but I thought you may be hungry."
"Yes, it smells delicious. Let me just freshen up. Your bathroom is-?"
"Down the hall, on the right." She nods and lowers her head as she quickly moves toward the bathroom. I fix four plates and set the bowls of salad down beside the plates. I feel a pang in my heart as I think about Finnick. I imagine Annie sees him everywhere. And Finn is looking more and more like him everyday. I would be destroyed if I had a son who looked like Peeta, and then I lost Peeta somehow. I would be devastated and I'm not sure how I would go on.
Annie's a survivor, like we all are. A Victor and our family. When she comes back into the room, her eyes are red but she smiles a wide smile and sits down at the table. Peeta and Finn enter the room and Finn is walking again. Peeta clutches his hand and walks slowly but he smiles at us when they approach the table. Annie gasps and scoots the chair over so Finn can walk straight to her.
"Oh baby, you're doing so great! Look at you!" Finn grins as he walks straight into his mother's arms and Annie swoops him up and holds him tightly to her chest. Peeta's hand rests on my shoulder and I squeeze it, as we watch our friend with her son.
After dinner, Peeta cleans the dishes while Annie and I put Finn down for bed. He fights it and screams no a lot but Annie strokes his curls and leans over the bed. She hums softly but Finn continues to toss and turn. She sighs and rests her forehead on the back of her hand, letting out a little moan. I bite my lip but open my mouth to sing.
Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.
I notice Annie watching me and I also notice that Finn has fallen fast asleep. I let out a sigh and feel her squeeze my hand.
"I love when you sing that song," she whispers. I must look puzzled because she shrugs apologetically.
"I mean, I watched you when you sang to that little girl from 11," of course she did. She was a Mentor during my Games, after all, "And I know you sang it in 13…to…well…" she trails off and swallows. I fight to keep the tears out of my eyes. She heard me sing to Prim. I look down at the sleeping baby and I smile.
"I better get going. I'll see you tomorrow, Annie." She nods and squeezes my hand again, giving me a shy smile.
I exit the guest bedroom and find Peeta leaning against the wall, on the stairs.
"Hey," I say softly. "What are you doing?"
"I couldn't help it," he says and he looks rueful. "I just love hearing you sing."
"I don't sing enough for you?"
"You do. But I sort of came in and watched you sing to Finn." He hunches his shoulders and I reach for his hand.
"Let's go home. I think they'll be ok tonight." He nods and leads me back across the lawn toward our house. As we are getting ready for bed, I hum softly and he pokes his head out of the bathroom to ask me to sing. So I do. My father's old lullabies flow from my lips as I change for bed and I feel his hands in my hair, unbraiding it and running his fingers through the strands. I'm still singing when we lie down and he pulls me into his arms, trapping me in his embrace. My eyes close and my voice trails off as I find my dreams.
Peeta has to go into the bakery and since Annie has not yet seen it, we decide to all have lunch together. It's freezing cold when Peeta leaves for work and I make my way over to my house to see if Annie and Finn are up yet.
I'm a little surprised to see them both lying on the carpet playing with one of Finn's toy trains. Annie jumps up when she sees me.
"I didn't know you guys were early risers too!"
"I married a baker. And I always hunted before sunrise. It's just ingrained in us. I wanted to come over and see how you slept.
"We slept great," she says with a smile. "I've already talked to Johanna and she said she and George will be here around lunchtime."
"Perfect. I thought we could all go have lunch at the bakery."
"Oooh, yes! I still haven't seen it. I would love that." I smile as Finn climbs into my lap and wraps his chubby arms around my neck.
"Good. I need to stop by the orphanage real quick and then I will be back home. I'm going to borrow Thom's carriage so you don't have to walk everywhere."
"Oh I'm ok with walking," she says dismissively but I know it's colder than it is in 4, and she and Finn aren't used to it.
"Peeta has been talking about buying a car."
"Oh they're great, Katniss, they really are. It will make things easier on both of you." I shrug. What use do I have for it? I don't ever leave District 12 and when I do go places, the bakery, Merchant Circle, the Seam, and the orphanage aren't too far to walk. The woods is the furthest but I'm used to making that trek. I don't mention that I'm frightened if Peeta has a car, he will leave the district more often. Annie senses my tension and rubs my shoulders.
"Anyway, that will be really nice. Finn would love to see where Uncle Peeta works."
"Uncle Peeta," Finn exclaims excitedly and I have to laugh at his toothy grin.
"I'll just run to the orphanage before lunch then."
"Wait Katniss. Is it alright if we join you?" I cock my head and see that Annie's smile has turned somewhat shy.
"I mean," she continues. "I have heard so much about it and am dying to meet Lara and the other children. Finn doesn't really meet too many kids. People treat us…well, differently." I see her face fall and I bite my lip. I can imagine being the child of victors is somewhat like royalty. Add a fallen victor and I can imagine how people would give them distance. I suppose it is more out of respect than anything else but I feel for my dear friends. I don't imagine Victor's Village is the most bustling of places and from what we saw, there are hotels and I don't imagine people from other districts would be able to keep their reverence to a minimum. I understand why Annie was excited to bring Finn here. Peeta said her entire face lit up when he had suggested it. It's giving her a chance to be with her friends and giving Finn a chance to see the people who love him, who don't see him often.
I squeeze Annie's hand.
"I would love it if you joined me."