Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the characters of his universe, I just play in that sandbox for fun and without pay or any form of remuneration other than reviews and private messages; which are fortunately non-taxable.
AN: Mwa ha ha ha ha… yes, the insanity is back. The zoo snitch hunt begins! Special thanks go to m00rzilka for his fanart depiction of a vigorously cursing Bobble-Head Harry's defeat of Mr. Cthu-Tibbles in the arena from chapter 5 that is now the cover photo for this story. It took me this long to post it, but Thanks! Chapter not Beta read. Enjoy the chapter.
Edit 9-4-14: Oops, my math was wrong with the barter skill and its corresponding increase to charisma. That's been fixed now.
'Thoughts are in italics'
"Things Said, or Things Written"
Chapter 9: Monkey Business
"Huffff, Get off me wanker." Harry complained as Dudley decided that rather than going out his side of the car, Dudley had to crawl over Harry, drop his weight in Harry's lap, before pushing out first using Harry's passenger side door.
"Daaaaad, Harry called me a wanker." Dudley whined in a petulant voice while giving Harry an evil smirk as Harry joined Dudley outside the vehicle, brushing out his clothing where Dudley had squashed him.
Somewhere along the line Dudley had joined the car ride, so now as Petunia turned a horse faced and gimleted eye towards Harry, and Vernon twitched his moustache and growled, well they were one big unhappy family; emphasis on big given Dudley and Vernon's size.
Harry took a quick look around the zoo parking lot, seeing that they had been able to get a great parking spot right near the gate where there was only a few smatterings of children entering the zoo; apparently most kids and their parents were at school and work, respectively. Green hedges and fencing lined the gate with a sign over the ticketing area delineating the entrance to the zoo.
"Now see here boy!" Vernon's raised voice centered Harry's attention on his uncle just in time for Harry to dodge Vernon's hand that tried to seize Harry's shoulder.
"Dexterity check passed!" The game read in Harry's vision, before it prompted again, "Intelligence check."
Harry looked around and saw that several families with their young children had stopped on their path towards the zoo and were starting to watch what was going on with the Dursley's and Harry; this included what looked like a burly Royal Marine in his off duty uniform enjoying a day off with his wife and toddler daughter.
Harry smirked at his uncle, just as the game read "Intelligence check passed!" in Harry's vision.
"Uncle Vernon, you're making a scene." Harry confidently mentioned, raising an eyebrow towards the burley Royal Marine to see what Vernon would do.
Petunia looked around, and rested a hand on her husband's arm, "Vern-on" she cautioned, eyes darting from side to side as she pasted a fake smile on her face. The Dursleys hated the idea of bad publicity or in any way looking less than normal.
Vernon stopped his menacing steps towards Harry and looked around, startled and then realizing that he was in fact making a scene, and an unfavorable one at that.
"Ho, ha, ha, uh," Vernon nervously chuckled before also pasting a fake smile on his face, "What I meant to say was, you good boy you, here's your ticket. Now head on in you go." Vernon finished with a pained smile on his face as he pulled out a children's ticket and handed it to Harry.
Harry quickly grabbed the ticket out of his uncle's grasp and smiled at his uncle, "Thanks Uncle Vernon, you're the best." Harry hammed it up, and then gave Vernon a wink.
Vernon's smile dropped off his face and he started to purple and twitch, before noticing the glare coming from the Royal Marine, and Vernon quickly returned the smile to his lips- even if it didn't reach his eyes.
"ah hmph, yes." Vernon stumbled to reply.
Harry ignored his Uncle and instead took off running towards the entrance to the zoo, handed the gate attendant his ticket, and disappeared through the gates.
And that would be the last time that Harry would ever willingly, hesitantly though it may have been, spend time with his relatives.
As far as Harry was concerned, he was done with the Dursleys.
Harry made it through the gates and stopped right outside the metal turnstile as a message popped up in his vision, "Discovered zoo entrance area, 10 experience gained."
"Ding!" A tutorial message popped up titled, "You Cute Liddle World Explorer You."
Harry just shook his head but continued reading, and behind the words his area map popped up as a background to the tutorial message. "Columbus sailed to the new world, Magellan circumnavigated the globe, Darwin traveled to the Galapagos, and you get to go to the zoo- aren't you cute you liddle puddy wookums! The one thing you do have in common with those great travelers is that you are able to discover new areas as you traverse through the game world, and as more and more of your map becomes clear you will gain more experience based on how large of an area you've discovered. For now you've discovered the first part of the open world, the zoo's gate area. As you explore the zoo and uncover the fog that covers it you will gain more experience, 10 XP per regular area and 25 XP for secret or hard to get to areas. You can also uncover areas by traversing the high points on the map and then scanning the surrounds, or by buying a map. A map will cost you money, but you will gain the experience as if you've traversed the area yourself. Only regular areas can be found via maps or by scaling high points, secret areas must be found the old fashioned way. You can also have the general location of an area pinpointed on your world map if you overhear the information or are given the directions by individuals throughout the world. However, it is only by synchronizing yourself by climbing the high areas and looking around that you will discover, have appear on your map, all of the missions, items, and collectables that can be found in the discovered zone. Your other alternative is to cover an area on foot or at low altitude flying. Good luck, oh, and it's illegal to scale buildings in the UK, so expect to have trouble with the guards or police when you do so. Cheers!"
With that, the tutorial closed along with the mostly blacked out map of the zoo and greater London, the zoo's boundaries shown only as an unexplored white fence line on Harry's otherwise black map.
Harry just sighed as the world around him came back into focus with the closing of the map. "Second verse, same as the first. More shite to deal with." He complained out loud, and then gave a large smile to the frowning mother of two who had heard Harry curse near her impressionable little children, and was now trying to move the young boy and girl away from the hooligan dressed in leathers and punk rock gear.
"Mummy, what does shite mean?" Harry heard the little boy ask the woman, and Harry stifled a laugh as the woman glared at Harry again.
Ignoring the glare and the woman who was now dragging her children away from Harry, he looked around to see what was available as he questioned what he wanted to do first. It was at that moment, that he blinked, and realized that the people around him were mostly living, breathing, thinking, three dimensional individuals.
Spinning in a circle, he saw the gate attendant was three dimensional, but all the attendant seemed to say was, "Ticket please. Ticket please. Ticket please." Over and over again while making the same motion to take a ticket; even if nobody was there to hand the attendant a ticket.
Spinning and looking the other direction, Harry saw that the mother and her two children though were individuals who were speaking to each other, or in the case of mother-glaring at Harry.
But at that moment, the glare was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, because it meant that there was hope for him that future interactions could be more worthwhile that the two dimensional muggle classmates or what Harry considered the enemy or monster class of enemy that were like the Dursleys or even Old Man Henderson.
"That means… Hermione." Harry paused, and then his eyes lit up and he smiled to himself as memories of his dearest and most faithful friend came back to him. And suddenly with that thought, a weight he didn't know he was even carrying seemed to lift from his shoulders. Because ultimately, he just might not be alone in this madness that was his life stuck in a video game.
Upon realizing that, well, he had only one response that was fitting.
Maniacal laughter, "Ha Ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Harry let the fear, frustration, and insanity of his life pour out of him, and there, standing amidst the crowd of families with their young children who were all giving the crazy boy a wide berth, Harry tilted his head back to the sky and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
As quickly as it started, and probably a sign that he was still just a bit unbalanced, Harry stopped laughing and started looking around with a manic energy.
"What to do? What to do? What to do next, Mwa Ha!" Harry finished his cackle by drumming the fingers of his hands together in front of himself, his eyes twinkling and gleaming and probably showing that Harry was just a few beans short of a box of Berty-Bott's Every Flavor. A part of Harry realized his eyes must have been twinkling, but then again so did Dumbledore's, so at least he was in good company.
Harry stopped his cackling and cringed, "Yeah, considering Dumbledore is battier then a belfry full of Snapes, that's probably not a good thing that it's getting so bad my eyes are twinkling. Still—" Harry paused in his speaking out loud and looked around, only to see an information booth.
An information booth sporting free maps.
"Mwa ha ha ha, urp!" Harry started cackling again, only to slap his hands over his mouth to stop himself mid chortle.
Harry slowly took his hands away from his mouth, almost as if he wasn't sure if the cackling was going to come back or not. Then took a deep breath in, and then let it out. Calming himself, he smiled, then sprinted for the maps.
"You've gained one Zoo Map. You've discovered 14 new areas! Gained 140 experience points! Synchronization High Point is now marked on your map."
Harry smirked as he pulled up his map and plotted the course that would take him towards the "Rainforest Life" that was marked as the synchronization point on the map.
All around him the crowds got thicker, and children churned and spun around their parents as they moved hither and about the street that led deeper into the zoo. And everywhere Harry looked he saw backpacks, purses, and bulging wallets.
Harry's smirk turned evil. "Save game."
"I've been robbed! You there! Stop! Thief!" A man almost as large as Vernon yelled upon Harry's unsuccessful attempt at pickpocketing.
"Load last saved game!" Harry yelled, and the world blinked around him, and Harry found himself once again standing behind the man who a moment ago, well a moment ago for Harry at least, Harry had attempted and failed to pickpocket.
Harry walked at a pace matching the man's waddle but staying behind the man while looking around to make sure that the crowd around him did not include a guard or zoo attendant; Harry had already run afoul of them the first few times and didn't want that to happen again.
Seeing that the coast was clear, Harry focused his attention on the man's wallet and thought about pickpocketing the man while continuing to keep pace.
"Please don't fail, please don't fail." Harry mumbled to himself under his breath. Failing at the pickpocket skill seemed to have different levels of failure ranging from merely letting the individual know you were stealing from them, to accidentally groping the person whose assets you were trying to pilfer. Frankly, Harry didn't want to miss and grab the ass of the man whose jeans looked to be smuggling a dozen house elves; given the lumpy cottage cheese like protrusions jutting from the man's bulging buttocks.
A clock with a dial slowly spun clockwise in the middle of Harry's vision, the clock overlaid over the man's bulbous buttocks.
"Cha-Ching!" The sound of a cash register rang in Harry's ears signifying a successful theft, and if that wasn't enough notification, then the "You've gained 100 Pounds muggle money! +1 to Pickpocket" in Harry's vision was surely evidence that Harry had succeeded.
Harry smiled and wandered away from the man and then back into the crowd so as to gain some distance for when the man eventually realized he no longer had a wallet.
Harry walked past a few mothers watching their children by a cage for the Lemurs and over to a bench before plopping himself down and decided to open his inventory to see how he was doing.
"Arrr, Show me the booty ARRRR!" At which time the Arr, Yer A Pirate! Perk activated, still allowing Harry to access his inventory but making a particularly attractive blonde haired mother glare at Harry and storm off with a disgruntled "Why I never!"
Of course Harry was totally oblivious to the woman's reaction as his head was buried in his inventory chest, checking over his new amount of ill-gotten booty, aka, pilfered British pounds.
"Muggle Money: 5985.00 Pounds." The inventory read, making Harry smile. A quick look at his stats showed that he had also leveled his pick pocket skill up to 26, and gained 2 more points to Dexterity by doing so. Subsequently, this had also informed Harry that there was at least one skill that would up his Dexterity.
Closing his inventory and Harry looked up as the victim of Harry's latest pickpocketing started making a fuss which caused a chain reaction of others realizing that they were missing money also.
"Arrr matey, best be pulling up anchor and headed for safe harbor, a storm be brewing." Harry spoke his thoughts out loud, only for the Pirate perk to twist his words.
Harry shook his head then slapped himself in the cheek hard enough to turn his head. "Test test, one two three. Better. Stupid pirate perk." Harry grumbled as he got off his bench and headed for the closest building that would get him out of sight.
Pushing through the glass doors, Harry was simultaneously shocked at the silence of the building as well as the cacophony of heavily accented voices all talking at the same time. Barely anybody stood in the building despite the fact that it was one of the only air conditioned display areas in the zoo, but that probably had to do with the fact that the inhabitants weren't of the class of animals that most people dubbed as "cuddly."
The building was comprised of a long hallway with bare stone walls painted like deserts, forests, grassy plains, and jungles, perforated here and there with glass display cases of different sizes. A sign board hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the hall read, "Reptile House."
Harry smiled as a small pop sounded in his ear as his vision suddenly displayed, "Parseltongue +5!" And the voices around Harry became less accented and more enunciated and understandable though still a bit garbled and hard to understand.
The screen in Harry's vision continued to display additions to his parseltongue skill every couple of seconds, as apparently listening to multiple snakes talking all at once was cumulative and not merely based on singular time based in the presence of the foreign language.
"Thank you Cunning Linguist perk." Harry said with a smirk as he walked further into the reptile house.
"Parseltongue +5! Parseltongue +5!..." Harry's screen continued to tick away, so it was that after a mere 5 minutes, and thanks to his specialized language perk, Harry maxed out his parseltongue skill and had yet to even talk to a snake.
"Parseltongue +5! Ding! Parseltongue skill Maxed at 100! Ding! Perk gained, Silver Tongued Devil, Talk the birds out of the trees, or at least chat up 'birds' on the street and talk them out of their panties. In the tale of Adam and Eve, the Devil took the form of a snake and was rather persuasive with his arguments. With the Silver Tongued Devil perk, you gain an immediate +10 to your Barter skill, +25 to Flirting, and +2 to Charisma. If the devil could convince the world that he didn't exist, the least you can do is successfully lose your virginity… maybe."
"Heh," Harry chuckled as the message disappeared off his screen and he could clearly make out several snakes chatting to each other to while away the hours in their captivity, only to be distracted by the crystal clear and rather gravelly bass voice that was singing to his left.
"No body, knowsss, the Trouble I've Seen… Nobody Knowsss, but Jesusssss." The voice sang, pulling Harry's attention to a small dimly lit glass display cage that was only about four square feet across.
"Wow, nice voice." Harry quipped to the cage, standing on his tip toes as he looked around to try and find the snake that was hidden from view in the grass and logs that were in the cage.
The singing cut off abruptly as a small grass snake's head, barely a centimeter across, peaked out of the grass and stuck its tongue out while tasting the air and then moved up towards the glass and faced Harry.
"A Speaker! Thank the mother you are here, if I had to listen to the rattle snake in the next cage sing another round of the song that never endsss, well I, I'd contemplated swallowing my own tail." The little snake, with a surprisingly deep voice, hissed excitedly as a gold exclamation point appeared hovering over the snake's head.
"Ba-doop!" A sound bubbled up in Harry's ear as a mission brief popped up in his vision. "Super Secret Slytherin Parselmouth mission: This mission is only available to those who have a Parseltongue skill of 75 or better. Save the snakes' sanity! No mice and no freedom make snakes go what?... Crazy… Don't mind if we do! He He, ho ho! Free the 25 snakes from their cages and escort them to the large vent in the back of the building while fighting off the zoo attendants. Mission Reward: 500 XP. Bonus mission, pickpocket a zoo attendant while fighting them off, and don't lose a single snake to recapture by the zoo attendants. Reward: 250 XP and Slytherin's Secret item. Do you wish to start this mission? Y or N?"
Harry smiled and shrugged, "Sure, how hard could a stupid escort mission be?"
Apparently, the answer was, pretty damn hard.
"Ugh, get off." Harry growled as he pushed the body of a zoo attendant off of him where Harry had been pinned to the wall by the guard's weight after Harry gave the man a stab to the spleen.
"Can't you move any bloody faster you damn Snakes!" Harry growled at the large boa constrictor that was taking its merry time moving slower than Harry walked.
"Your snake is under attack!" An alarm went off in Harry's vision and he saw a zoo attendant using a long pole with a loop over it to try and snag a cobra that was at the end of the long, slow, ever so very slow, conga line of snakes slithering through the hallway and towards the back where a grate led down into the London sewer system.
"McGonagall's Mangy Muff! Can't I get a break!" Harry yelled in anger as he quickly armed his river rocks and winged it at the head of the guard.
"Critical hit! Head shot! +25 XP." Harry's successful throw hit the zoo keeper and sent the guy into a spin before the man bounced off the wall and fell to the ground unmoving.
"Move it! Yah! Mush! Get along little snakey's!" Harry snapped at the snakes, who continued to move just as slow as they had been going.
"A snake never rushessss, he getsss to where he wantsss precisely when he meanssss to." An elderly anaconda hissed back at Harry, to which Harry could only growl.
Fortunately, the first of the snakes had reached the grate and slithered down inside of it, causing a message to pop up on Harry's screen.
"1 out of 25 Snakes saved! Congratulations, only 24 more to go! Have fun!" The game cheerfully read off to Harry.
Harry would have growled, but he was too busy running towards the back as two zoo keepers popped out of hidden doors in the walls and attacked the snakes; doors which Harry was sure hadn't been there when Harry had walked by them a moment ago.
"Flaming Falke feces! Bloody cheating wanker programmers." Harry growled as he bunny jumped over a pair of rattle snakes that were singing a counterpoint and quite harmonious rendition of 99 Bottles of Rats On The Wall. Judging by how slow the snakes were going, they might be able to sing the entire song before they made it to the grate.
"Yoink!" Harry took a moment to pickpocket the zoo keeper before giving the man a belting upside the head with his Surrey Slugger. "Gain 1 T-bone steak, 50 Pounds Muggle money."
In the corner of Harry's vision he saw a box get checked next to "Bonus Mission goals: Pickpocket a Zoo attendant." Followed by "3 out of 25 Snakes saved! Congratulations, only 22 more to go! Aren't you enjoying the escort mission?"
Harry growled and Spleen-Shotted the second guard, dropping the man who screamed as he went down right before the second guard had almost captured the grass snake that had started the mission and who was at the end of the line.
"+50 XP!" The game rewarded Harry for his taking down the two zoo keepers, which made Harry's total to 10 zoo keepers down thus far. From the look of things, there would be many more zoo keeper deaths before he finished.
"Thought you would capture my friend?! Well take this! Mwa ha ha ha ha." Harry chuckled as he squatted over the head of the last dead zoo keeper and then commenced to squat, and then stand up.
Squat, and then stand up.
"How do you like your tea-bagging, one lump or two? Mwa Ha ha ha!" Harry tea-bagged the downed body, imitating something he had seen Dudley do on a first person shooter video game during Harry's previous life.
"Your snake is under attack!" Popped into Harry's vision.
"Bloody hell!" Harry griped before bouncing off towards the front of the line again, because of course the next attack would come from the opposite end of the line of snakes.
Thus Harry got his first wonderful experience of the infamous escort mission.
One and a half hours later…
"25 out of 25 Snakes saved! Congratulations, you made it!" The message finally popped up on Harry's screen as he panted and stared down the hallways that was stacked like cordwood with the bodies of deceased zoo keepers and human guards.
"Super Secret Slytherin Mission Success! Bonus Mission Success! Congratulations, you earned the title of "Sneaky Snake of Slytherin!" You gain +750 Experience Mission XP! +2425 XP earned due to Enemy's Defeated during the mission! You gain Secret Item: Salazar Slytherin's Contract Quill. Level UP!"
Harry wiped the sweat off his brow as his stamina bar completed refilling as the constant running, bouncing, and fighting for two hours had actually had a noticeable impact on his stamina bar; even with said gauge being maxed out. Harry had also taken a few good hits from the zoo keepers, but fortunately his clothing and its armor rating had dulled the blows; as well as granting him additional skill points to armor wearing. Add to that some more points earned in Dual-Wielding and Two-Handed, and maybe the two hours spent escorting the snakes wasn't a totally waste… maybe.
As the world around Harry froze, the Level Up menu appeared to float in the air.
Level 8:
CURRENT EXP: 14250 TOTAL EXP NEEDED FOR NEXT LEVEL: 18000
Health: 22/22
Magic: 420/420
Stamina: 100/100
ABILITIES: Ability points to be allocated: 4
Strength: 27
Dexterity: 14
Constitution: 8
Intelligence: 20
Wisdom: 10
Charisma: 16 +(2)
SKILLS: Skill Points to Allocate: 69
Armor Wearing: 12
Barter: 30
Bulgarian Language: 25
Care of Magical Creatures: 20
Charms: 12 +(5)
Dancing: 3
Dual-Wielding: 25
French language: 34
Flirting: 55
German Language: 25
Herbology: 6
Lock-Picking: 31
Muggle Subjects: 100
Parseltongue Language: 100
Pick-pocket: 26
Potioneering: 10
Ranged: 100
Russian Language: 25
Sneak: 100
Two-Handed: 7
Unarmed: 6
PERKS:
Comprehending The Incomprehensible.
Arrr, Yer a Pirate!
Accidental Magic
I Have The Power
Are You Threatening Me?!
Ninja Vanish!
The Call of Cthu-Tibbles
Run-Away!
Me Tarzan, You Jane
Silver Tongued Devil
Studiously Studying Student
Wiser is the Miser
The Cunning Linguist
AVAILABLE PERKS: Perk Points Available: 1
"Hair Like Snape"
"Lemon-Drop Addiction"
"A Black Gene"
"A Summer Job"
"Creature Comfort"
"There Are Some Who Call Me—Tim"
"It Was An Accident!"
"Dog-gone'it, People Like Me."
"He's Got That Kung-Fu Grip"
"Multi-Classing"
Crafting:
Cooking: Master Chef
Harry looked through the new options and questioned whether he wanted to start using some of his skill points or not, but the more he thought about it the more he realized that he had no idea what was available to grind versus what he really needed to spend the points on.
"Hmm," Harry tapped his right cheek with his finger as he rested his hand on his chin in thought and spoke out loud. "Well, as soon as I can get a wand and start learning some hexes or defense against the dark arts skills I am going to want to level that up as quickly as I can." Harry continued to ponder as his eyes quickly scanned over the options; his higher than average 10 year old intelligence helping him to think through the ideas.
"I could slot it all into barter and bounce up to 99 points, almost able to purchase stores and properties." Harry thought about that for a moment, before shaking his head, "Then again, I know I get barter skills for selling stuff and I've got a trunk full of rocks and fertilizer, as well as assorted knick-knacks, to sell off. So no, not going to blow the points on Barter right now. Let's find a store first as well as see what else there is here at the zoo."
Harry shrugged, plugged all 4 of his ability points into Intelligence, which also jumped his skill points up by another +2 and leaving him sitting pretty at:
ABILITIES: Ability points to be allocated: 0
Strength: 27
Dexterity: 14
Constitution: 8
Intelligence: 24
Wisdom: 10
Charisma: 16 +(2)
SKILLS: Skill Points to Allocate: 71
Armor Wearing: 12
Barter: 30
Bulgarian Language: 25
Care of Magical Creatures: 20
Charms: 12 +(5)
Dancing: 3
Dual-Wielding: 25
French language: 34
Flirting: 55
German Language: 25
Herbology: 6
Lock-Picking: 31
Muggle Subjects: 100
Parseltongue Language: 100
Pick-pocket: 26
Potioneering: 10
Ranged: 100
Russian Language: 25
Sneak: 100
Two-Handed: 7
Unarmed: 6
Again with the increase of intelligence Harry felt like a layer of cloth was removed from his thoughts, and with it a new idea spread through his mind at the same time that a devious thought popped up.
"If barter is increased by each time you sell, as opposed to how much you sell or make on the sale, then if I sell each rock and unit of fertilizer individually." Harry smirked as he thought to himself, paused and then opened up his inventory chest and quickly looked at his River Rock supply.
3789 River Rocks was listed in his weapons tab, and Harry's smile grew larger.
Stifling a cackle that threatened to slip out, Harry switched to his main inventory and looked at some of the other options that were there. A sheet regarding his standings with different groups, a list of his titles like "The Shadow" and "Dead Eye Dick," a statistics page that showed random items of interest ranging from how many times he had jumped to how much money he had stolen, and then back through his different types of armors and items. Harry took a moment to look at his special items tags by tapping on it as it floated in the air in front of him.
The floating inventory chest switched compartments and presented Harry with his special loot; showing that special items like the Hufflepuff Shovel, Cat's-Paw, and The Fire Lily's Potion Book had now been joined by an emerald green peacock feather quill with ornate snakes carved into the jade green quill cap; it was labeled "Salazar Slytherin's Contract Quill." By clicking on the information for the item Harry was able to get a description of the item's abilities:
"Salazar Slytherin's Contract Quill: The pen is mightier than the sword, especially when said pen, or quill as in this case, allows you to forge the magically binding signatures of your enemies. Merely get your target to use your quill to sign something, get the quill back, and you can sign their life away. May only store the signature of one enemy at a time."
"Mwa he he he he." Harry chortled as the possibilities of destroying his enemies filtered through his head. Still amused by thoughts of getting Fudge or Lockheart to sign an autograph, 'Oh, no, better yet, Lucius Malfoy!' made Harry smirk evilly as he closed his inventory and went back to finishing up his level up.
Skipping awarding any of his skill points, Harry read through the one new perk that had appeared; Multi-Classing.
"Multi-Classing: So Mr. Wizard, you think you are the party's tank and should charge the enemy face first? Ever wanted to rob the big boss blind while he is monologuing, but forget that you aren't a thief? Well then, there's good news for you! Yes, you too can be a wizard with an Ak-47 attack rifle and heavy armor, or a wizard who can do it from behind or be the consummate backdoor man! This trait grants you an immediate +3 to your Strength and unlocks the Heavy Armor and Fire Arms skills, Or, a +3 to Dexterity and unlocks Silent Takedown and Criminal Connections skills.
Harry paused.
He had originally been leaning towards taking the perk titled "It Was An Accident!" as the step towards wandless magic seemed helpful; especially with his current lack of a wand or the weakness that losing your wand seemed to be with wizards.
'However,' Harry thought to himself while pondering the possibilities, 'I'm not sure what opportunities I might be missing out on if I don't unlock the criminal connections now before I start exploring London.' The idea of going the heavy armor and "say hello to my little friend" route with the multi-classing perk sounded good at first, until Harry remembered that the Death Eaters' and Voldemort's favorite curse was the Avada Kedavra killing curse; which was a one shot kill if it hit you no matter what type of armor you were wearing. It was easy to focus on the now and forget the future, but Harry had lived this life once before and had some idea of what was to come; and with an intelligence of 24 he was able to pick up on that fact.
Therefore, it was with the knowledge aforethought of things to come, and the realization that It Was An Accident! was as likely to cause as many bad things as good, that Harry choose the perk Multi-Classing and picked the thief path.
"Ding!" +3 to Dexterity. "Silent Takedown" skill unlocked, you may now take people from behind; in combat that is. Back-stabbing enemies from behind and while in sneak mode gives you an ability to one shot kill enemies silently and not rouse the attention of enemies in the area; though bodies killed in this manner may still be discovered if you are seen killing the enemy or forget to hide the body. (Skill automatically ranks to 100 as it is an all or nothing skill.) "Criminal Contacts" skill unlocked, your current infamy is as of that of a "two bit bum who picked up some dropped change and didn't return it to the person who just dropped it." Still, you may now find and use low level fences in order to sell stolen items or purchase items of a more nefarious nature. Level Criminal Contacts by completing missions and doing criminal acts to gain faction bonuses with criminal organizations, both muggle and magical, and unlock options as you climb the layer cake of the criminal underworld."
Harry shrugged, as by now he was used to starting off at the bottom and having to work his way up, and thus he looked at his most updated statistics.
Level 8:
CURRENT EXP: 14250 TOTAL. EXP NEEDED FOR NEXT LEVEL: 18000
Health: 22/22
Magic: 420/420
Stamina: 100/100
ABILITIES: Ability points to be allocated: 0
Strength: 27
Dexterity: 17
Constitution: 8
Intelligence: 24
Wisdom: 10
Charisma: 16 +(2)
SKILLS: Skill Points to Allocate: 71
Armor Wearing: 12
Barter: 30
Bulgarian Language: 25
Care of Magical Creatures: 20
Charms: 12 +(5)
Criminal Contacts: 1
Dancing: 3
Dual-Wielding: 25
French language: 34
Flirting: 55
German Language: 25
Herbology: 6
Lock-Picking: 31
Muggle Subjects: 100
Parseltongue Language: 100
Pick-pocket: 26
Potioneering: 10
Ranged: 100
Russian Language: 25
Silent Takedown: 100
Sneak: 100
Two-Handed: 7
Unarmed: 6
PERKS:
Comprehending The Incomprehensible.
Arrr, Yer a Pirate!
Accidental Magic
I Have The Power
Are You Threatening Me?!
Ninja Vanish!
The Call of Cthu-Tibbles
Run-Away!
Me Tarzan, You Jane
Silver Tongued Devil
Studiously Studying Student
Wiser is the Miser
The Cunning Linguist
Multi-Classing (Thief)
Harry smiled, shrugged, and then accepted his changed stats and closed the Level Up menu.
"Save Game." Harry ordered.
Harry left the reptile house a little while later, and took the time to enjoy the zoo and what it had to offer as a break from the norm of grinding or mission running. Noticing that the sun had moved across the sky and that it was now sometime after noon, Harry looked around to see what he should do next.
Shielding his eyes from the sun that was just over the trees as he looked around at the sights, out of the corner of his eye Harry noticed a glint of sunlight flash off of something small and gold hovering over the tallest tree in the middle of the monkey enclosure called "Rainforest Life."
It was a golden snitch.
Harry smiled and then, humming a song under his breath that he had heard the Weasley twins sing in the Quidditch team's showers, Harry walked to the fence that enclosed the monkey preserve and jumped over the fence, sat on the ledge before the drop-off into the enclosure, dangled, and then jumped across the moat below him and to the ground inside the monkey exhibit.
"Seekers do it fast and nimble, beaters beat it every night. While keepers keep things nice and tight, the chasers like to score…" It wasn't a song for young ears, but that hadn't stopped Fred and George from introducing first year seeker Harry Potter to at his first practice with the Gryffindor team. So in keeping with tradition, Harry loudly sang the song in the zoo full of children as he made his way through the family friendly environment of the London Zoo's monkey display; already gathering an audience as people noticed what he was doing and started raising a ruckus.
Harry smiled and laughed to himself as he jumped over a large rock and made it to the base of the tree at about the same time that the monkeys noticed an invader in their territory. And this was the point in life where Harry learned what it meant to aggro creatures.
Now monkeys are one of the most dexterous animals in the world. Able to climb and swing from branches, peel bananas and other fruit, manipulate simple tools and sticks, and adroitly fling poo.
It was this last category of ambidextrous primate behavior that Harry was introduced to as a large male chimp took one look at Harry and attacked at range.
"Monkey attacks with Two Fisted Feces Fling!" Harry's screen read just as the male chimp looking at Harry from the base of the tree, made a deposit, and promptly shared the self-made fertilizer with Harry.
"What the-" Harry ducked the flying poo, never happier that he had taken the +3 to Dexterity then when he realized that the poop had been aimed at his head, and due to singing the lewd Quidditch song, his mouth had been wide open.
"Are You Threatening Me?! Triggered! Incendio Cast" The game said in Harry's vision as a burst of flame flew from Harry and hit the chimp in retaliation, killing it and setting it's corpse ablaze.
Harry hesitated and looked around, only to notice that all of the surrounding trees were suddenly filled with angry chimps, all of them looking at him. Harry gulped and jumped for the lowest branch on the tree in front of him; thankfully the rest of the tree was currently free of monkeys. However, he had to move through the wafting smoke and smell of burnt hair and poop as he climbed the branch above the dead chimp.
"+25 Xp Gained" Dinged in his vision, only for a negative to pop up in his screen quickly afterwards.
"You gained "Ode du Burnt Poop! Temporarily -5 charisma while you smell like burned monkey poo."
"Tada! You earned the Trophy: "Monkey Poo En Flambe' Perfume, by Harry Potter." You never thought you would have to worry about trying to get the smell of deep fried monkey poo out of your clothing and hair, but Congratulations, somehow you found a way!" The message cheerfully popped up in the corner of Harry's vision.
"Just great." Harry griped under his breath as he quickly scampered up onto the low hanging branch and then got ready to jump to the next branch.
"Monkey aggro gained! Monkey family group enraged! Monkeys Activate "Rain of Shite!""
Harry's eyes went large and he looked to the sides to see what could only be described as synchronized shit throwing as from the two large trees on either side of Harry, the pack of thirty plus monkeys reared back as one and then let fly in a cloud of feces; right at Harry and the tree he was in.
It sounded like the pitter patter of heavy raindrops, or perhaps slush that falls in the dreary parts of winter, only this wasn't water that was pelting Harry and the tree he was on, it was poop.
"ARRGH!" Harry stifled a scream as he started to open his mouth, only to get a second hand take on what the monkeys had eaten that day. It was in his eyes, on his jacket, pants, boots, it seeped down the back of his jacket and trickled down his neck, and for the first time in his life Harry Potter was a dark brunette. Well, there was that one time he had taken polyjuice potion to look like Goyle, and though that had been pretty disgusting, this experience won hands down and by a factor of at least ten as the most disgusting hair dye job of his life.
"Damage 0, absorbed by Armor. Gain status: "Is That Creamed Corn?" Charisma dropped to 0 until monkey feces is cleaned off, -5 to Dexterity, and -25 to Sneak as surfaces get slipperier and the stench makes it hard to hide."
Cursing and spitting, Harry wiped the crap out of his eyes and glared at the monkeys, only to see them "reloading" and getting ready to throw again. The only thing he could do was climb, and try to get the snitch before he was too buried in shite.
Harry made it up another two branches before the game message in his screen gave him a warning that he was still stuck up shit creek without a proverbial paddle; or at least stranded on a barren tree stuck between two irate groups of primates without a leaf or branch big enough for him to hide under.
"Monkeys Activate "Rain of Shite!""
"Bugger me!" Harry clung to the trunk of the tree and ducked his head under his arm, which sort of protected his face from the incoming poo, but did nothing to protect him from the runny discharge that was already dripping from his jacket and into which he had just stuck his face.
"Damage 0, absorbed by Armor. Status "Is That Creamed Corn?" remains. Constitution Check, Failed! Gain Status, "This Doesn't Taste Like Chicken Tikka Masala." Poisoned, take one hearts worth of damage per round until you rinse your mouth."
Harry wiped his eyes as best as he could, almost losing his grip on the tree and slipping before grumbling and going back to climbing as he noticed one of his hearts go from red to grey, followed by a second one a few moments later.
Finally he got to the top of the tree and grabbed the snitch.
"Congratulations, you caught a golden snitch! 6/200 caught" "High Point Sychronization Completed, missions and items appearing on the map"
The game read in Harry's vision, though he was too busy trying to figure out how the hell to get out of this mess to open his map and look at his new discoveries.
He had monkeys to the right and left, some now starting to circle around the bottom of the tree, and a squad of zoo keepers and guards had been called to the edge of the enclosure's fence due to the cacophony of milling people yelling and pointing into the enclosure at him.
"Shite and double shite." Harry's cursing was replied to with a shower of the same thing he was cursing about, though now it would probably be called triple shite.
Ignoring the raining poo, Harry frantically looked around towards the back of the enclosure, which was an artificial rock face or cliff with holes where the chimps could supposedly climb into and find shelter. The artificial cliff held no handholds leading to the top so as to keep the chimps in their enclosure, and Harry in this case, though the cliff itself didn't rise all the way to the top of the chain-link fenced roof that went over the enclosure. Rather, it appeared that there was some other form of exhibit on the other side of the wall, or potentially a building roof that Harry could escape to, but the distance from the top of the tree to cliff top was too far to jump.
Normally.
"-1 HP" The game mechanics politely mentioned in his vision as by now number 5 of Harry's 22 hearts disappeared and went grey.
The monkeys had finally worked themselves into a frenzy as they gathered at the base of the tree and started up, while other chimps launched themselves from the trees around Harry towards the one he was standing on.
"Monkeys Activate "Damn Dirty Apes Don't Kill People, Enraged Chimpanzees Do!" Monkeys enter berserker state." As the monkeys hooted and hollered and swarmed up the tree, leaving Harry only one real choice.
"Run Away!" Harry yelled, hoping to inspire the game to take a hint as he took one step then kicked off the tallest branch on the tree into midair and aiming towards the back wall of the enclosure and praying that he made it over.
"Run-Away! Activated!" Zoing!
The perk activated, launching Harry upwards towards the back of the enclosure, up more, and over the cliff with a yell of victory.
Only to see that the cliff face was only 3 feet wide and not a building's roof like he thought it was.
Instead, Harry sailed out over a new enclosure before freefalling towards the mucky green water below.
A little part of Harry recalled that the green algae floating on top of the water kind of matched the color of his eyes, but the thought was fleeting as he impacted the water with flailing arms in an incredible belly-flop that pushed the air out of his lungs a second before his head disappeared under the water.
Gravity pulled Harry down into the deep water, and he sank quickly as his heavy leather coat and clothing hindered his desperate attempts to flail his arms enough to drag him back to the surface.
""Is That Cream Corn?" Status removed due to dunking. "This Doesn't Taste Like Chicken Tikka Masala" status ended as you rinse your mouth out. "Are you sure the water's safe?" Constitution Check of 5 needed: Passed!" The words quickly appeared to hover through Harry's vision, yet he was too busy trying to get air as a picture of bubbles appeared in the top of his vision; bubbles that were quickly popping and disappearing as he felt his need for oxygen increase rapidly.
Harry's boots hit the concrete bottom of the artificially created lagoon, and Harry pushed off hard, shooting himself to the surface with every ounce of his 27 points of Strength.
Harry's head broke the surface and he immediately gasped before coughing and sputtering while flapping his arms to stay afloat. Little did Harry know, but by breaking the surface of the water at exactly the position he had done so, he had accepted a mission.
The golden event mission exclamation point that was floating above the water shattered into a rainbow poof of glitter that floated down and stuck to Harry's wet head and shoulders
"Gator Hopping! Mission Accepted! Welcome to Gator Land, or at least the London Zoo's alligator and crocodile exhibit. Make it from one side of the lagoon to the other without getting eaten. Good luck! Mission success grants 500 XP and spawns boss battle."
The water instantly churned as from the banks of the lagoon crocodiles and alligators launched themselves off the beaches and into the water towards Harry.
"AAAAAHHHH! Run Away!"
A very soggy Harry Potter pushed his way into the Zoo's gift shop; the cheerful little bell at the top of the door tinkled a happy sound that was prefaced by the squishing heavy slaps of Harry's wet combat boots on the gift shop's previously clean linoleum floor.
Harry left a path of slightly brown lagoon water behind him as he moved through the isles of plush stuffed animals, little alligator heads on sticks that could be opened and closed with a mechanism at the handle, and assorted t-shirts and knickknacks all touted as supporting the zoo while being extremely overpriced.
The clerk at the counter quirked an eye at Harry's disreputable image, but still pasted on a smile at the soggy 10 year old and gave a cheery, "Welcome to the gift shop. Would you like to take a look at our wares?"
At the attendant's question, the world in front of Harry paused and a screen appeared to float in the air before him showing at the top a query as to whether he would like to "Buy" or "Sell."
Currently the Buy screen was highlighted, and below those words a list of useless knick knacks was displayed, though there were a couple of bottles of water and a product called "coke-a-cola" that could be purchased but was highlighted in red.
"Hmm, let's see what those do." Harry hummed to himself while pushing his finger onto the bottles of water.
"Bottled Water, 2 Pounds Muggle Money" The screen message highlighted on the item words, and then a floating hologram of a bottle of water floated in the air before Harry with words describing its affects. "Fills stamina bar when consumed. Warning, drinking multiple of these in quick succession will require you to use the water closet or risk wetting yourself."
Harry shrugged and made a grab for the hologram, a full plastic bottle appearing in his hand which he then dropped into his inventory while "-2 Pounds Muggle" appeared in his vision. Grabbing another 5 bottles of water, Harry looked at the coke-a-cola.
Clicking on the details, this product had some unusual qualities. "Coke-a-cola, 20 Pounds Muggle Money" "It looks like the usual Coca-Cola, but the gift shop attendant is really putting herself through school as a chemist and has substituted the caffeine for cocaine. Drinking contents gives you Haste effect for one encounter and doubles your attacks but makes you addicted to cocaine. Addictions cause you to suffer penalties to stats when not using the product to which you are addicted. Product is illegal and will be seized if you are captured by Police or Aurors."
"Um," Harry paused as his eyebrows both rose in shock as he read the description.
"Still…" Harry thought to himself before looking right and then left, as if somebody was going to know he bought the product.
Then quickly snagging the bottle and shoving it in his inventory, the screen showed that Harry was down another 20 pounds Muggle.
"Ok, time to sell." Harry spoke mostly to himself before pulling out a large leather alligator hide and opening it to spill teeth across the counter before collecting them towards him with a sweep of his arm.
Pushing one large tooth forward, that had a bit of Harry's blood still on the sharp fang, Harry stated, "Sell 1 Tooth."
"Ding! +1 Pound Muggle. +1 Barter!"
Now it was Harry's turn to smile a crocodile smile.
AN: I could have kept going on this chapter, but Harry is almost done at the zoo and then it's off to explore London; thought this was a good stopping spot for now. Sorry for the long wait. I had so many little things I needed to layer into the chapter and a lot of plot devices to introduce so it took a while to weave them all together. I hope you enjoy it and that it meets your high standards… oh who am I kidding. This is mostly crack fic and I just hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. Cheers!