Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the characters of his universe, I just play in that sandbox for fun and without pay or any form of remuneration other than reviews and private messages; which are fortunately non-taxable.
AN: And… We're off to see the wizards! The wonderful wizards of Diagon, because because because because BECAUSE… well that's where the next missions are and Harry is an experience whore, he even has a sign that reads "will grind kill hags for XP." Enough inane comments, let's get to the chapter and find out why Luna Lovegood Bitchslapped Harry. Cheers!
AN 2.0: Not beta read. Why, because my biological clock is screwed up and I'm writing this at 3 AM Frankfurt time while on a plane with no wifi, that's why. "The Author gained 1 Bailey's Irish Cream in Coffee!" Woot!
AN 2.1 A list of perks, titles, and trophies is included at the bottom, thanks go to Dragonforce for taking the time to write it up so that I could focus on writing the chapter.
'Thoughts are in italics'
"Things Said, or Things Written"
Chapter 11: Of Alleys, Allies, and Easter Eggs
It wasn't what he expected to see upon entering the Leaky Caldron for the first time in this life.
"Luna Lovegood attacks with Bitchslap!"
2 hearts immediately disappeared from Harry's health bar at the force of the slap directly to his head.
Harry's head spun around, forcing his whole body to spin in a full circle as the floor of the Leaky Caldron felt like it was uneven but was really just the force of the blow. Harry stumbled a step or two to the right, then the left, turning back towards the main pub only to stop when he felt two small hands grab ahold of the lapels of his Zoo Keeper's uniform and tug him forward.
Through the blurred vision he realized that Luna had a firm hold on him, yet his head felt like it was still spinning.
"That's for giving Mommy and Daddy so much work that they can't make me a sister." Luna stated with a frown before standing on her tippy toes while puckering her lips for a kiss.
"Luna Lovegood heals with a Kiss!"
The two hearts immediately filled back up as Luna leaned in and gave Harry a quick peck on the lips, immediately clearing Harry's head, but in no way stopping his immediate confusion nor the feeling that the world was still out of control.
"And that's for saving Mommy's life. Due to all of your being naughty and breaking the world Mommy has been so busy with her Unspeakable job moderating, finding, and logging nargles and snorkacks to keep the world going, that we didn't realize the Great Code had set it up for her to die until Daddy started preparing the 30th version of the patch notes and realized she was going to be ok and had missed the deadline." Luna continued talking while her hands brushed off Harry's khaki shirt from imaginary dirt.
All of this of course kept Harry's head spinning whether from the residuals of the blow or the information Luna was giving him.
"Wait. What?" Was all that Harry was able to mumble.
"Of course we know that life is a game, everybody says so. Life's a game and then we die." She shrugged. "Well, I think there was one time where I was playing with Ginny at the Burrow and we heard her Daddy in the shed say that life was a bitch and then you married one, but we Lovegoods have always believed it's a game." Luna said totally innocently, but then frowned at Harry again and waggled a finger in his face scolding him.
"Really Harry, did you have to go and break the world so badly? Daddy's printer was found just shy of the moon. And I know I'm called Luna, but only the muggle side of the world has really secure methods for getting there. And what are you wearing? Good though it may be for zoology, that isn't much protection. Get back into your armor silly." Luna's statements kept Harry's head in a perpetual state of spin as the information kept coming quickly, jerking Harry's thoughts in one direction only to send it in an entirely different.
"Whaaa?" Harry stuttered, looking at the shorter and younger girl with absolute bewilderment.
"Your outfit, change it now." Luna demanded while looking both cute and petulant at the same time; the pout on her face was offset by the cheery bright purple miniature radishes dangling from her ears as earrings.
Seeing as it was something concrete that he could do rather than just stand there being befuddled, Harry nodded and activated his inventory and dropped his hooligan armor onto the image of Harry floating in the equipment tab; this removed the Zoo Keeper's uniform while Luna kept talking.
"Now obviously we can't be seen to help you, but if you finish the runic crossword puzzles in the patch notes you might find some nice Easter eggs, hints, and other goodies for saving Mommy so she can give me a sister." Luna stated before handing Harry a copy of the Quibbler.
At this point Harry shook himself and stepped back, but not before taking the Quibbler and looking at it quizzically.
"You gained one edition of The Quibbler!" Harry's screen read.
"Your mother is a," Harry started but was interrupted.
"Well we don't really speak about it in polite company. And the trolls are simply horrible in impolite society. It's hard enough being a moderator as it is without people knowing who you are when you're walking down the street." She added with a helpful commentary that only led to more questions than it answered, as Harry had no clue what she was talking about.
Holding onto the quibbler as the only tangible part of the conversation he could put his hands on right then and there, he shook his head and tried to focus on that.
"Wait, wait a second. So the Quibbler is…" Harry began to figure out what she was saying, only for her to cut him off and insert her own feedback.
"The patch notes, future updates to the world code, information on bosses and quest zones, and descriptions of items of interest. Of course it's better if you read it upside down." Luna informed Harry like it was the most logical thing in the world.
Harry tilted his head to the side, and as he turned his perspective, he realized that the articles on unknown creatures and lost tales of lore started to make more sense as quest locations and error logs. Still, it was difficult trying to come to grasps with the reality of the world and that apparently the Lovegoods were part of the very few who were fully aware of what was really going on.
"So Unspeakables, Nargles, and Crumple-horned Snorkacks?" Harry posited, blinking and staring off into nothing over the little girl's head and at the dingy back wall of the Leaky Caldron.
"Moderators who do their best to keep the world spinning, extraneous or bad code that likes to follow around characters and make them act weird or glitch, and Crumple-horned Snorkacks," Luna paused and she shivered, "Especially bad viruses that some evil programmer put into the system. The Quibbler has a reward for every one caught. Daddy says that when I'm older I can join the family in hunting them. We think they are duplicating in Sweden." She finished before folding up her own version of the Quibbler and nodding at Harry before stepping back.
"Now don't go breaking the world again Harry, but thanks for saving Mommy." Luna said with a big smile. "I've got to go track down some heliopaths, and the Rotfang conspiracy won't expose itself." She finished.
Then, just as suddenly as the confrontation started, Luna turned and marched towards the Caldron's Flu, threw some powder into it while stating a destination, and disappeared in a flash of green flame before Harry could even ask her another question.
Harry blinked at the flu. Just stood there and blinked while the seconds ticked by.
Finally, about two minutes later, Harry shook his head and then quickly covered his mouth as a slightly crazed giggle slipped out.
"Insane." Harry sighed and closed his eyes before rubbing his forehead for a moment as he stepped out of the way of the door as a wizard in a powder blue and pink polka-dot colored robe pushed his way through the door behind Harry and into the Leaky Caldron.
Out of the corner of his eye Harry saw that the Wizard took one look at Harry and sneered. Because Harry with his long blue hair, his muggle black punk hooligan leathers, jeans, and combat boots, well, he was a Harry Potter who looked nothing like what the wizards expected of the Boy-Who-Lived.
Which made Harry smile as he looked around the pub and realized that the patrons didn't recognize him at all.
"5 Magic spent!" Flashed in his screen and Harry's smile faded as he quickly whipped in a circle to see what his Accidental magic had caused this time.
The tables were still as dingy as ever, so were the walls, and a lone wizard sat at a table reading a "Brief History of Time" while directing a spoon with his finger while other elderly witches and wizards sat in the booths around the room enjoying a late morning's breakfast or spot of tea. The room continued to have the look of a pub that had seen better days; with raw smoke darkened wood and patched plaster on the walls and ceiling.
Harry was baffled about what he had spent his magic points on, for all of about fifteen seconds.
"Bless my soul, it's Harry Potter!" Rang out across the room, and all conversation in the Leaky Caldron stopped as Harry spun to look at the bartender Tom who was staring agog at Harry.
It was at this moment that Harry realized that he couldn't feel his hair on his neck, and quickly reaching back and plucking a single hair, realized that he was suddenly wearing his once again black hair in what looked and felt like a samurai topknot; fully exposing his forehead and the telltale scar.
"Shite." Harry whispered as every eye in the bar spun to look at him before every single member of the bar, and thankfully it was early morning on a week day, jumped out of their seats and started crowding him in.
"You've earned "Stalker Worthy Celebrity" Reputation status with British Wizarding Public!" Harry's screen helpfully supplied.
Fortunately Harry's "Are You Threatening Me?!" didn't see the bar patrons' actions as a threat. But that still meant he got a bit mobbed.
"Welcome back Mr. Potter, Welcome back!" An old man grabbed Harry's hand and shook it vigorously without so much as a by your leave. The man let go of Harry's hand, only for another patron to seize it.
"Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, I can't believe I'm meeting you at last." A woman said, shaking his hand and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Two men came up and patted him on the back, "You look like a strong one Mr. Potter, and with a good head on your shoulders." The men both said in unison yet slightly off. It was almost as if they were reading from a script based on Harry's stats and accomplishments, but that both men were slightly out of step in reading from the same script.
It was about this time that Harry wished Hagrid had been there to help clear him some room, as the press of bodies and rapid handshakes of one patron after another were starting to make him twitchy. Well, twitchier than he already was considering his frequent use of "Are You Threatening Me?!"
An Auror in a red robe came up and looked Harry up and down, "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee at an Appleby Arrows game."
Harry just quirked his eyebrow as that sounded somewhat similar to what the zoo guard had said, but before Harry could reply he was spun around in a circle and hugged into a pair of large breasts.
"Oh you wonderful boy, you little schmooky wookems! Just you wait right here, I have a daughter that would be perfect for marrying you, she's even part of your fan club…" The woman's voice was somewhat muffled by the two large Tracts of Land bracketing his ears, but at the words "marrying" and "fan club" Harry used all of his strength to push himself free of the woman's arms.
Stumbling backwards and falling onto his butt, Harry looked up only to see a woman that looked like one of her parents had crossbred with a troll. The name "Mrs. Bulstrode" floated above her head.
'ACK!' Harry mentally screamed for help while looking up at the woman.
"20 Magic spent! Critical Success on It Was An Accident! Learned Disillusionment spell! +1 to Charms Skill!" The words interposed themselves in Harry's vision as the feeling of an egg being cracked on the back of his head trickled down his scalp and then slithered down the rest of his body. And with the feeling, Harry's body disappeared and blended in perfectly with the floor of the Leaky Caldron.
"Ninja Vanish! Activated." Popped up, stacking its bonus on top of his already maxed out sneak skill.
The strangers around Harry all blinked, though the Auror seemed to stare at Harry for a moment or two more than the civilians around Harry. And then they started walking back to their seats or places in the room as if nothing happened.
"Why then I said to the girl, that color is atrocious on you unless you want to look like a Chudley Cannon's fan." One woman turned to another and started to say as they stepped over Harry, not seeing him, but avoiding him none the less as if they were programmed to do so.
The other replied blandly, "Oh yes, interesting. Have you seen the sales at Goldberg's Magical Jewelry? Best place for rings and necklaces." The second responded.
"Goldberg's Magical Jewelry has been added to your map!" Popped into his vision, but Harry still didn't dare move as the Auror was still next to him and the rest of the crowd was still focused on the area around where he lay even if not looking at Harry directly.
"Guess it was a figment of my imagination." The Auror stated and walked over to the bartender, Tom, and asked the establishment's owner, "What's this I hear about somebody stealing your sweet rolls?"
Two old men started whispering together as they went back to their shadowed corner booth, but given that it was the type of whispering that is easily overheard, Harry was able to listen to their every word. "Have you heard about the Black Market that is available behind Borgin and Burke's? Dark dealings go on in there."
"Borgin and Burke's added to your map! Black Market added to your map!"
Finally the rest of the crowd dispersed, all of them talking about inane subjects, with Tom the pub owner done talking to the Auror and calling out an order to the crowd, "Bubble and squeak, who ordered the bangers and mash? Runny peas, mind the peas fight back."
And Harry carefully got up into a crouch, and slowly edged himself out of the room towards the back alley behind the Leaky Caldron.
Fortunately the back door was open as Harry followed the two women who were gossiping about the latest styles at Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions, and Harry was able to squeeze through the entrance to the alley just as a message popped up in his vision and the gate started to close.
"Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions added to your map!"
And then Harry smiled as he got a second message.
"Discovered Diagon Alley, 10 experience gained."
"Save game." Harry smirked, and then bunny bounced into the Alley.
A giddy run up and down Diagon alley saw Harry gain another 330 XP as he discovered an assortment of stores, The Daily Prophet, the Ministry of Magic's Diagon Alley entrance, and the The Ministry Press, and even Eilope's Owls.
He didn't remember the jewelry store the last time he had been in the Alley, but then again he hadn't been that interested in gaudy heavy chains with large watches hanging from them and others looking like Goldbergs was the place to shop if you were a magical pimp named Huggybear. Still, the fact that Harry could see details floating above the necklaces, rings, and bracelets telling of their charmed nature, well it was a very interesting store to him during this life. That said, the price tag on the jewelry made it so that Harry knew he would have to make a stop by Gringott's first and hopefully get access to his trust vault.
However, neither rain, nor snow, nor dark haired Snapes could keep Harry Potter away from his first destination, Ollivander's wand shop.
No, none of those things could stop Harry from getting his wand so that he could start using magic, but the locked door and the sign that read "Store Closed While Ingredient Hunting, Will Return With The Spring" sure did the trick for keeping Harry away from the wand that he knew was his.
"Nooooooooo!" Harry clenched both fists and shouted at the sky, causing several shoppers on the Alley behind Harry to startle as the mournful sound seemed to issue from nowhere.
And of course, being the logical well thought out and all around reasonable wizard and witches that the shoppers were, they simply realized that an invisible child was whining that he wasn't able to buy a wand earlier than in his previous life.
No, actually that's not what happened at all.
"Banshees! Banshee's loose in the Alley! Flee for your lives!" Screamed one blonde haired man, with an immaculate smile and pale blue robes, who immediately took out his wand and started blasting in every which direction as if to hit some sort of invisible enemy.
The street full of shoppers broke into absolute chaos, with women grabbing their children and running in fear, men screaming and running, and the blonde wizard turned towards the plate glass window of Ollivander's only to see his reflection and managed to stun himself when he released a red colored stunner that bounced off the wards on the shop window and right back into his noggin.
Harry's jaw dropped at the spectacle.
"What the Fu..." Harry mumbled, only to catch a Finite Incantatem to the chest from an Auror with a Red Title above his head labeling him as Auror Dawlish. Dawlish stepped out of a shop door and with a quick flick of the wand removed Harry's Disillusionment.
"Trouble maker! You're coming with me." The Auror stated as soon as Harry appeared.
Words appeared in Harry's vision as the Auror closed on Harry, the Auror's wand drawn and pointed at Harry.
"Go to Jail or Resist Arrest?" The screen prompted Harry with his only options at the moment.
An option that was taken away from Harry the moment his "Are You Threatening Me!?" activated.
The Auror clapped an adult sized hand on Harry's shoulder, and two things happened in short order.
""Are You Threatening Me!?" Activated! Incendio Cast!"
A brief flicker of a shield flashed around the Auror, and then a silver sickle of light shot from the tip of the Auror's wand.
Harry felt a sharp pain at waist level that seemed to radiate right through him from front to back.
And then Harry woke up in a world of endless black with a floating screen in front of him.
Laying on the ground, Harry sat up with his hands behind him, holding him up so he could see the screen floating in front of him, and then he blinked.
"Well shite. That went bad quickly." He mumbled.
Harry appeared at the site of his last saved game in the alley, once again Disillusioned. A second quick run up and down the street to gain the experience again, and then Harry once again stopped at the door to Ollivander's.
"If at first you don't succeed." Harry mumbled while looking around carefully to make sure that nobody had noticed the invisible child up to no good. Seeing that people were focused on who Harry recognized as Gildroy Lockhart, Harry removed a hair pin from his inventory and bent over to the lock of the front door of Ollivander's and stuck the hair pin in the lock.
If you had blinked just then you would have missed it, as from the four corners of the door arcs of electricity coalesced down the door to the handle and lock, and then shot through the hair pin and into Harry's hand with a crack of thunder that rattled the windows up and down the street.
"Disillusionment Canceled Due to Damage! " The message and loss of 20 points of health flashed before Harry's eyes, but then so did the scenery as Harry was literally blasted out of his combat boots by a lightning bolt as the wards on Ollivander's shop reacted a might bit negatively to Harry's attempt to pick the lock.
"You broke one hair pin!" The game helpfully told Harry.
A now barefooted Harry left a smoke trail across the width of Diagon Alley, traveling head first until he impacted with the window of Madam Malkin's and went right through the plate glass.
Another heart disappeared from Harry's health bar.
Harry's momentum was slowed by a tangle of robes and animated mannequins, causing his horizontal velocity to slow, but the impacted with the now flailing animated mannequins caused a rapid descent into the floor of the robe store.
"Bloody!" Harry cursed as he bounced the first time.
Another half a heart disappeared from the health bar.
"Fucking!" Harry cursed as he bounced for a second time off a wall and ricocheted into a table of folded lady's frilly things.
Followed by the other half of the heart going bye bye.
"Ooouff." The air in Harry's lungs was forced out of him as the force of his body broke the legs of the table and caused it to collapse on him entirely.
"Tada!" The game gave Harry a happy little fanfare. "You've earned the trophy, "Does Somebody Smell Bacon?" Try to pick a magically protected lock with a muggle lockpick and get electrocuted. Congratulations!"
That left a groaning, barefoot, and slightly smoking Harry Potter lying under a pile of robes, Victorian era lady's unmentionables, a broken table, and multiple animated mannequins.
That's when a muffled, yet familiar voice carried to Harry's ears, buried where he was at the bottom of his pile. "Trouble maker! You're coming with me."
"Ohhhh, shite." Harry moaned.
""Are You Threatening Me!?" Activated! Incendio Cast!"
Harry returned to the world and Diagon Alley, back to his last saved spot.
Resolutely marching up and down the street, Harry growled invisibly at Ollivander's wand shop as he walked past it, but rather than stopping there, Harry walked down the street and to where he could see a light green colored exclamation point floating inside Eilop's Owls; the mission called "Busting out a Feathered Friend."
Of course, given Harry's luck, the store was closed with a sign that read, "Gone to Lunch!"
Glaring at the door and shaking his fist at the door in silent fury, not willing to get another banshee episode going in the alley, Harry realized that shaking an invisible fist at something felt more absurd than anything, so turned to look down the alley to where he could clearly see the marble structure managed by the Goblins.
Glaring in impotent rage, Harry stomped his way down the street towards Gringotts.
Up the stairs he went, totally focused on getting into the bank and away from the crap he had dealt with in the Alley, only for his attention to be violently redirected by the blades of two halberds dropping to cross at his neck level.
Harry froze between one step and the next as the razor sharp goblin forged blades pressed into the underside of his neck.
Harry didn't dare move, but out of the corner of his eye he saw two armored goblin guards glaring at him; bright red titles over their heads labeling them as "Goblin Guards," just as a message flashed before his eyes.
"Reputation lost with the Goblins of Gringotts! You're reputation has changed from "Bloody Stupid Wizard" to "Wizard who Gringotts would like to serve to their dragons with a side of chips!""
"Nobody gets into the bank while disillusioned!" The guard on Harry's right growled.
The guard on the left premised his follow up comment by pressing the halberd just hard enough to split Harry's skin, "You look sneaky, and you better not be trying to steal or you'll end up dragon shite by the time we are done with you."
"Disillusionment canceled due to damage!" Flashed in Harry's screen as he appeared visible and a half of a heart disappeared as a trickle of blood slid down Harry's throat.
Wide eyed Harry raised his hands carefully and slowly to where they were in plain view as he politely responded, "Easy there mates, um, I mean sirs, um, Goblins whatever, it was accidental magic."
Both goblins growled at the last statement, but the pressure on his neck disappeared, though the halberds still blocked his path forward into the bank.
"Grrr, get your banking done and get out." The Goblin Guard on the right snarled, sounding so gravely that Harry thought the goblin might have been gargling rocks; though fortunately Harry didn't say that out loud as the Goblin Guard removed the halberd, followed by the second guard doing the same. Both of them still kept their eyes focused firmly on Harry as Harry slowly walked up the last few steps and into the bank but turning so as not to take his eyes off the two guards.
Harry entered the bank walking backwards.
And almost stumbled over a short banker pulling a cart as Harry stepped into the bank's foyer.
"Watch where you're going you round eared bastard!" The goblin shook a tiny fist at Harry before pulling his cart back through the bank.
"Reputation lost with the Goblins of Gringotts! You're reputation has changed from "Wizard who Gringotts would like to serve to their dragons with a side of chips!" to "Goblins wouldn't piss on you if you were lit on fire and the smoke was filling up their caverns!""
Harry clamped his mouth shut and just stood there and looked around with a grimace as things kept going from bad to worse for him.
Every Goblin Guard in the bank, of which there were a lot more than Harry remembered from his past life, stared at Harry at the exclusion of every other wizard in the building. Hell, Lucius Malfoy was at a teller stand yelling at the top of his lungs at a Goblin teller, but the Goblin Guards were all firmly focused on Harry while wielding an impressive variety of sharp and nasty weapons.
Harry took slow measured steps up to a line as Lucius Malfoy finished berating the teller, took hold of a letter, and left the bank.
Harry was tempted to go after the man and practice pickpocketing, but the looks the guards were pointing in his direction gave Harry goosebumps of the bad variety.
"Next!" The teller yelled, and the people in line took a step forward.
Harry looked around the room and noticed a larger than normal goblin guard walk out of a section of stone wall that hinged out of what Harry swore was a smooth section of stone, only to close again just a quietly as it had opened.
" Gobbledygook +5" "Gobbledygook +5" Appeared on his screen twice as the scar covered and heavily muscled guard mentioned something to another guard while smiling evilly at Harry. Harry couldn't understand most of the statement, but what he could catch were the words "small hole" "large stake" and "need a toothpick."
Harry whipped his head around to face forward at the back of the wizard in front of him, refusing to look anywhere but straight forward.
"Next!" The teller yelled, and the wizard in front of Harry moved forward to be helped by the Teller; Harry was the next customer in line.
Harry barely overheard the wizard talking in front of him to the goblin teller, something about paying a fee for fire breathing chickens, but Harry was too busy pretending that he wasn't listening as hard as he could to the sounds behind him, hoping that the very nasty guards whose titles all said they were much higher than Harry's, didn't back stab him.
"Next!" the teller yelled, and Harry startled into a slight jump before stepping up to the teller.
The teller took a moment to growl at Harry first before asking, "What do you want, Wizard?" pronouncing the word "Wizard" as if it was a curse word; which it very well might have been given Goblin culture.
"Um, Harry Potter to access his vault." Harry stated. The chance to get to all of that gold that his parents had left behind for him was more than enough impetus to stay and try and place nice with the surly goblines. The charmed jewelry, robes, wands and other assorted KnickKnacks in the alley were calling his name, but he needed as much gold as he could get if he wanted to buy the best gear.
The Teller looked over the top of his tall desk, and why a desk for a creature as short as a goblin would be taller than Harry or even the average wizard is anybody's guess, other than the fact that they probably enjoyed the intimidation factor even though it required the use of a ladder. "And does Harry Potter have his key?" The Goblin Teller sneered.
"Um, no, but uh, isn't there some sort of way that you could get my key for me?" Harry asked, wringing his hands together as the sound of more Gobbledygook sounded from behind him where the large titled Chief of Security Goblin was standing; "something something wizards blood something something powering wards" if Harry understood right given his very small amount of Gobbledygook.
"Gobbledygook +5" Flashed across his screen, but Harry didn't dare focus on it as the goblin teller glared down at Harry.
"For you? Not a chance!" The Goblin teller spat with a wicked smile. "Your key isn't lost or stolen, otherwise it would have been returned to us by the magic of the vaults. So just because you don't have your key doesn't make it our problem."
Harry glared back at the Goblin teller, but the sound of added Gobbledygook, "Wizards taste like chicken, something something, extra garlic," from behind Harry made him break out in a sweat and pale; quickly losing the glare and transitioning more to a whimpering beggared look.
"Gobbledygook +5" Flashed in his vision, but Harry focused on the teller.
"Surely there's something I can do to get access to my vaults?" Harry begged.
"You can gain more reputation with Gringotts by bringing us Reputation collectables or performing special tasks that nobody else wants to do, and don't call me Shirley!" The Goblin teller glared at Harry and pointed to the right and further into the bank where a goblin stood next to a glowing open chest, and behind that goblin, near the tracks down into the bank, was a goblin standing next to a cart with a glowing exclamation point over the goblin's head.
"Now get out of the way, you're blocking the line. Next!" The teller yelled, and Harry frowned and stepped out of the way as the next wizard in line moved forward to be helped by the teller.
Harry petulantly stomped his way over to the goblin standing next to the glowing open chest, and when Harry got within five feet of the goblin the little creature in a bright red suit coat yelled at Harry.
"Hey Dragon fodder! So you want to increase your reputation with Gringott's so we don't treat you like the boils on a trolls ass and lance you with our halberds? Then you're going to have to bring me wizard and witch ears!" The little goblin said with an evil smirk.
"Um, yuck. Why would you want wizard and witch ears?" Harry stopped, for as soon as he was within 5 feet of Goblin, Harry could see an empty meter of some sort floating over the goblin's head.
The goblin's smile got larger at Harry's question, and just a bit evil. "Just be glad I'm not asking for foreskins." The goblin's accompanying look was truly disturbing. "We're not able to kill witches and wizards even though we hate you bastard wand wavers, stupid bloody treaties. And it's not like some wizards or witches are just going to give you their ears, so you off the wizards and witches, bring me their ears, and we might look at you with a bit more respect if you bring enough of them to me and deposit them in my trunk." The goblin respond.
"Um, isn't that illegal or something?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Hey, I'm not killing them, and how you get them is your problem." The goblin smirked back in reply.
"Um, thanks, I'll get right on that." Harry hesitantly answered and slowly backed away from the goblin with the deranged smirk. Harry slowly turned his back on the goblin and walked over towards the cart tracks leading down into the vault while quietly mumbling to himself under his breath.
"I guess its experience for killing them, so maybe it's worth a shot?" Harry paused while considering the possibilities, and then an idea came to him, "Hey! There are always plenty of Death Eaters and assorted Dark Wizards, hags and whatnot. Voldemort's army had to come from somewhere last time..." Harry trailed off as a gleam came to his eye and he cackled a bit evilly while strumming his fingers together. "Mwa ha ha ha ha."
Thunder crashed in the background and the sky light above the bank's main floor flashed as lightning backlit the skylight and dark clouds started to build over the bank.
Harry stopped laughing and looked up as the clouds started disappearing again.
"What in the... Mwa ha ha?" Harry questioningly laughed, only for the clouds to build again and lightning to flash and thunder roll.
"I swear I turned that thing off." Harry mumbled to himself.
"Options. Cheat codes." Harry commanded, and sure enough the "Dramatic Moments!" Cheat was activated.
"Hmm, weird. Must be a glitch." Harry said as he toggled the cheat off again.
Harry shrugged and walked towards the goblin with the exclamation point over his head, only to see a name he both knew and wasn't too fond of; well not ever since the last time they ran into each other and Griphook betrayed him and his friends.
"Hello," Harry paused before snarling out the goblin's name, "Griphook," Harry growled ominously and faced off with said named goblin.
"Waah ah waaa waaaah," A breeze blew out of the cavern tunnel behind Griphook making a weird alternating sounding tune as it whistled past the stalactites and stalagmites of the cavern. It was a tune that reminded Harry of some old western movies he had seen Dudley watching as a child, and the breeze even brought with it a bouncing tumbleweed that rolled and bounced as it blew between Harry and Griphook.
Harry blinked and then he blinked again while Griphook just glared at Harry in return.
"Uh, hold that thought please." Harry cocked his head to the side and raised his hand with his pointer finger up in the air in pause for a moment.
"Options, Cheat Codes." Harry called out. "You've got to be Bloody kidding me. Turn off Dramatic Moments!" Harry ordered the cheat off again, closed the screen and turned back to Griphook.
"Arrr matey, I be seeking renown with ye pint sized pirates of the acquisitions and mergers so I can access yon booty that you hold in mine vaults." Harry said to Griphook, only for his "Arr Yer A Pirate!" perk to engage.
Griphook opened his mouth to reply, only for Harry to raise his hand one more time to interrupt Griphood, and then Harry looked towards the ceiling.
"Arr Maties. Now yerrr just fucking with me." Harry cursed at the ceiling, and the clouds that hadn't quite dispersed since the last time Harry laughed, rolled with thunder as if the gods were laughing at Harry.
"Enough of this nonsense Dragon Chow. You want to get better standing with the Bank or not?" Griphook asked with a scowl, and a quest menu popped up in front of Harry.
"Ding!" The world sounded as the menu popped up with a mission titled, "Like A Toad On The Tracks." "Whether the toad hits the train, or the train hits the toad, it isn't going to be the train that goes splat. There has been a cave-in all along the train track as some charms malfunctioned when one of the human curse breakers made a mistake and unenchanted the tracks. This has caused debris to fall on the tracks, breaking them in places, and it's your job to get to the bottom and notify the repair crew to fix the tracks. Time is money, so the cart only has two speeds: accelerate, and totally stopped. Weave your way down the tracks and don't die and you will be rewarded with 0 Galleons, but a whole whopping two levels of reputation increase with the Goblins and 250 experience. You'll have to figure out the controls for yourself because the lowly 3rd Banker's assistant, twice removed, Griphook is much to important to explain things to some lowlife dragon chow like you. Do you want to start this mission, Yes or No?"
Harry read down the description of the mission and wasn't very encouraged by what he read. Still, the reward at the bottom of the mission promised him an automatic bump up in Reputation with the Goblins of Gringotts by two whole levels, but of course there wasn't any additional reward beside that and the experience. Then again, he hadn't really expected one given that the Goblins weren't exactly known for their generosity; especially with wizards that they hate.
"No, One second," Harry told Griphook before doing the most important thing.
No it wasn't kiss his ass goodbye, though if he had ever played any old 8 or 64 bit video game and experienced their race missions, he might have done that also.
"Save Game!" Harry ordered before turning back to Griphook who addressed him again to see if Harry wanted to start the mission.
"Ok, let's rock this bad boy." Harry started the mission, and found himself immediately sitting in the seat of the cart as it began to pick up speed.
"Hey, what are these buttons for?" Harry looked down at the single track in front of the mine cart, as the cart itself started to go faster and faster, and then he looked down and saw that all he had to work with was an acceleration thrust lever that was pushed all the way forward, and nine buttons bunched into a square of equal rows and columns of three.
The only problem was that the buttons were all labeled in Gobbledygook, and Harry wasn't fluent in Gobbledygook.
Well, maybe not the only problem, as the track Harry drove over wobbled, and then started to break away behind the back of the mine cart as the cart passed over the track going faster and faster.
Harry looked back behind him and went white as a sheet as he saw the depths to which the track dropped into.
All of this was a pretty good excuse for why Harry didn't see the gaping hole in the track in front of the mine cart, and plummeted to his death.
"YOU BASTARDSSSsssss!" Harry's voice echoed into the deep as he and his mine cart disappeared into the darkness.
A death that would be the first of many on the crazy cart mission.
AN: And there you go. Anybody ever played Battletoads? How about the old SpaceQuest? How about The Impossible Game? Do you know the type of race missions that require absolutely perfect timing and handling? You know, the type of missions where your handling got worse after playing the same race over for the 30th time due to the sweat on the controls screwing you up at a part you've already passed 5 times? The type of race mission where there are no save points part way through the race? The type of race mission that takes hours of memorizing every twist and turn that could come while jumping, ducking, and making your significant other think you joined a convention of sailors on shore leave due to your cursing? Well now, so has Harry! Cheers!
AN: Now Special thanks go to Dragonforce for putting together all of the perks, skills, titles and what not. Here you go, for your reference:
Perks
Perk – first available at level X or origin – chosen at level X or what granted the perk - benefits
Comprehending the Incomprehensible – LV2 – LV2 choice – skill books give additional +2, ability books give additional +1
Arr, Yer a Pirate – LV3 – LV3 - +25% chance for more/better loot. Every creature drops some money. Occasionally talk like pirate.
I have the Power – LV4 – LV4 - +100 points magic pool, unlock magic skill
Are you threatening me?! – LV5 – LV5 – 66% chance of wandless incendio when feeling threatened, no mana cost, lean incendio
Ninja Vanish – LV3 – LV6 - +20 sneaking in shadows, +25% damage on sneak attacks, +5 Dual-Wielding
The Call of Cthu-Tibbles – achievement – gained LV6 for defeating Tibbles – once per lunar cycle summon an aspect of Tibbles into combat for 9 minutes.
RUN AWAY! – achievement – gained LV6 for fleeing from Old Man Handerson – uncontrolled burst of speed along current travel path
Me Tarzan, you Jane – bonus – STRENGTH 20 – carry damsel and her luggage without suffering weight penalties
Studiously Studying Student – bonus – INT 20 – teachers' pet, gain skillpoint for every class attended, gain gold star sticker (can be trader for perk point)
Wiser is the miser – LV7 – LV7 – +20 Barter (incl. +4 Charisma), bonus 10% discount on buying and selling for every 20 points Barter, +10% profit from businesses
The Cunning Linguist – LV7 – LV7 (gold star sticker bonus perk) – can learn any language by listening (+10/hour until fluent – apparently 100 skill), popular with ladies, +25 Flirting, unlocks parseltongue, +25 German, Russian, French, Bulgarian
Accidental Magic – special – perform accidential magic apparition – rarely activates, only in cases of extreme emotions and/or stress.
Silver Tongued Devil – bonus – Parseltongue 100 – persuasion; +10 Barter, +25 Flirt, +2 Charisma
Multi-Classing – LV8 – LV8 – [+3 STR, unlock Heavy armor, Firearms] or [+3Dex, unlock Silent Takedown, Criminal Connections]
Merchant of Surrey – bonus – barter 100 – substantial discount, 80% more profit for selling, sell stolen goods at normal shops, buy businesses
Silky Slytherin Locks of Love – bonus – Charisma 20 – Women want you, Male Model reputation with Teen Witch Weekly and fan club, female characters more likely to join party
It's an adventurer's life – punishment(?) – hair cut, no need to poop – nothing
Dodge This! – bonus – Dex20 – can try to avoid any ranged attack
It was an Accident – LV4-6 – LV9 – 50% more accidential magic, without wandless mastery: 25% positive, 25% negative result.
Hair Like Snape – LV2 – not chosen, hated - +10 potions, +25% critical on potion crafting, -1 Charisma
Lemon-Drop Addiction – LV2 – not chosen - +33% magical power while satisfying addiction, -50% during withdrawal
A Black Gene – LV2 – not chosen – +10 Dark Magic, morph hair length/color twice/day
A Summer Job – LV2 – not chosen – 100 pound/summer
Creature Comfort – LV3 – not chosen – taste smells, see heat, regeneration, -5 Charisma, will be discriminated against
There are some who call me – Tim! – LV6 (req. Are you threatening me?!) – not chosen – -50% cost for fire magic, learn: Fireball, Pillar of Fire
Dog-gone'it, People like me – LV6 – not chosen – Puppy dogs eyes, +5 Charisma
He's got that Kung-Fu grip – LV7 – not chosen – freakish large and strong forearms, +25 Unarmed, +5 Strength
You're a dark son of a bitch – LV9 – not chosen – become a sadist, +25 reputation with dark creatures, -50 rep with light sided individuals and groups, double XP towards learning dark magic skills and spells, unlocks Dark Rituals
Titles
Title – granted in chapter X – event that lead up to it - benefit
Hufflepuff Harry – Chapter 2 – finding shovel in park – no benefit listed
The Shadow – Chapter 4 – Sneak 100 – stealth in combat to break line of sight (? Meaning not clear), flee, or loosing attention; +10 pickpocket and lockpicking while stealthed.
I am the very model of a modern Major-General! – Chapter 4 – Muggle studies 100 – know everything, +5 Charisma, dialogue option: 'Baffle them with Bullshit!'
Dead Eye Dick – Chapter 4 – Ranged 100 – slow time to aim at body parts, Headshot: +50% damage, arms: disarm
The Cat Whisperer – Chapter 5 – complete Kneazel missions by killing Tibbles – loved by cats, can affect Animagus
How do you like Dem Apples – Chapter 7 – frame classmate antagonist for something and get away with it– no benefits listed
Sneaky Snake of Slytherin – Chapter 9 – complete snake escort mission and get Salazar Slytherin's Contract Quill – no benefits listed
Hippo Hopper – Chapter 10 – leap from hippo to hippo – no benefits listed
Shite Shoveler – Chapter 10 – Shoveling shite for hours – no benefit listed
Does Somebody Smell Bacon – Chapter 11 – Try to pick a magical lock with a muggle lock pick and get electrocuted.
Trophies
Name – event – chapter
Let's play Frogger. Congratulations for surviving a real life version of Frogger. – Chapter 2
You're a Jumping Fool. Congratulations on jumping 5,000 times. – Chapter 2
Beat down by a Blue-Haired Biddy: You've been beat up by an old woman. Aren't you proud? – Chapter 3
I can fly! – Nope I was wrong. Fall more than two stories and live to tell about it. We suggest using a broom next time. – chapter 4
Showing off the boys – Sprint more than a kilometer while naked without getting arrested – Chapter 6
Monkey Poo En Flambe Perfume by Harry Potter – get covered in burned monkey poo – Chapter 9
Hungry Hungry Hippos – piss off hippos in zoo – Chapter 10
Does Somebody Smell Bacon? - get electrocuted for trying to pick a magical lock with a muggle lockpick - Chapter 11
Levels
LV1 Chapter 1
LV2 Chapter 3
LV3 Chapter 3
LV4 Chapter 3
LV5 Chapter 3
LV6 Chapter 5
LV7 Chapter 7
LV8 Chapter 9
LV9 Chapter 10