Peeta is making so many efforts to make sure I have a good time but I can't get Enobaria's words out of my head. How could she, a fellow Victor, sit there and listen to other Victors be tortured? Not that I'm surprised, with how bloodthirsty and brutal she was in the Games but still. Perhaps she was one of the few who liked her life under Snow's rule. I don't think everyone in 2 is happy that the rebels overthrew the Capitol. Paylor's rule has been much better for Panem but I suppose there is more equality among the districts and the Capitol's former lapdogs don't like that much.
Peeta has managed to keep himself together. I was sure her words would make him have a flashback and he surprised me by dragging me back to our hotel and holding my shaking form until I fell asleep.
We both decide to forgo the Capitol. We've spent enough time there and this trip has been hard enough. I'll admit I have had some fun, and Peeta has dragged me around for shopping trips and fancy dinners. I'm ready to go back to my simple life in 12 though. District 12 may not be luxurious or grandeur but I sort of like the way we live. If we weren't Victors, I can imagine my life as a simple baker's wife.
Effie is saddened to hear that we won't be stopping in the Capitol but she, George, and Johanna meet us in 1 for dinner one night. Her Academy keeps her busy and George and Johanna are helping her with seminars right now. I'm sort of surprised Johanna is ok with being in the Capitol. We have a pleasant evening with quiet conversation. During dinner, Johanna drags me into the bathroom and fixes her wide eyes on me.
"What," I ask warily.
"I think I'm pregnant."
I can only stand and stare at her. Gape, more like. My jaw is on the floor and my heart is pounding. What can I say to that? She's watching me, waiting for me to respond.
"And," is all I can muster up. She scowls at me.
"That's really all you can say, brainless?"
"Well I'm sorry. What do you want me to say?"
"Tell me it's going to be ok," she says softly and my breath hitches. How can I tell her that? I can't even tell myself that. Too many times have I woken up from my nightmares, convinced we are still in the arena. Too many times do I imagine the next ruler of Panem reinstating the Hunger Games. Too many times do I think about the moment when Peeta tires of me and leaves me.
Or when something terrible happens to him and I lose him forever. I swallow and feel my tongue has gone very dry.
"What did George say?" She looks up at me and is quiet. I swallow again.
"You haven't told him?"
"I…I can't. Not yet."
"Jo…he has to know."
"I know! I just…I don't know what he will think." I watch her, cocking my head. She looks so vulnerable. So unlike Johanna Mason.
"You know he wants kids. He's going to be so excited."
"What if I'm a terrible mother, Katniss? What do I do?"
"You won't be. And you're not alone. George will be a wonderful father. And you have Peeta and Annie and me to help you. You know you'll never be alone again." She throws herself in my arms and sobs and I awkwardly pat her on the back. I'm afraid the boys will be wondering where we are so I tenderly clean her face with a wet paper towel and give her a tight hug.
That night as I lay in Peeta's arms, I dream about a beautiful little girl with blonde curls and bright blue eyes. She looks like Prim and has the sweetest smile. The dream shifts and I actually see Prim standing in the meadow. I run up to her and throw my arms around her, sobbing into her dress. She pulls away and gives me a sad smile, her eyes going to something behind me. I turn and see another little girl, toddling toward us. She has the same bright blue eyes but her hair is dark as mine, braided with little blue ribbons around the ends. I turn back to Prim, my eyes wide and she nods, still smiling. The little girl reaches us and reaches up toward me. I back away, into Prim, and she gently pushes me forward.
When I wake up, I decide not to tell Peeta about my dream. We've been together 6 years and although it has crossed my mind, I still don't think I'll ever be ready to have kids.
As we board the train to go home, he takes my hand and I turn back to him. His smile is wide and it completely transforms his face.
'What," I can't help but laugh at his goofy expression.
"Nothing. I just love you." I roll my eyes but lean in for a kiss.
"I love you too. Come on, I want to see what the dining car has for us this time."
"Not cheesebuns, I promise you," he chuckles as he follows me to our compartment.
When we arrive back in 12, Annie cooks a big dinner and invites everyone to welcome us back. Peeta holds a sleeping Dex while Delly and Annie talk animatedly. Rory sets down his glass and clears his throat.
"Did you see Gale while you were in 2?" I see Peeta's eyes dart over to me but I focus on my plate.
"He, um…he was sort of busy with his girlfriend. We didn't have a lot of time to catch up." Rory frowns.
"I would think he would have made time for you." I shrug in what I hope is an offhand way. In all honesty, Gale and I didn't even see each other.
Peeta had a headache and really wanted a nap but I was restless and said I was going out. He was worried but I convinced him I would be fine. I had Gale's number and tried to call, but no one had answered. So I found myself walking around the town center, near the memorial. I stared at the picture of Lyme, the former Victor I had met during the war when I was here in 2. With Gale. How she and Gale had argued over the Nut and Gale's traps.
This is where I'd kissed Gale. My heart did strange flipflops in my chest and I scowled. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I thinking of this when I am here on vacation with my husband? My perfect husband who loves me unconditionally. Yet I can clearly remember our conversation.
"What's going on in your head?"
"I don't know," I whisper back.
"Then it's like kissing someone who's drunk. It doesn't count," he says with a weak attempt at a laugh. He scoops up a pile of kindling and drops it in my empty arms, returning me to myself.
"How do you know?" I say, mostly to cover my embarrassment. "Have you kissed someone who's drunk?"
"No. But it's not hard to imagine."
"So, you never kissed any other girls?"
"I didn't say that. You know, you were only twelve when we met. And a real pain besides. I did have a life outside of hunting with you," he says, loading up with firewood.
Suddenly, I'm genuinely curious. "Who did you kiss? And where?"
"Too many to remember. Behind the school, on the slag heap, you name it," he says.
I roll my eyes. "So when did I become so special? When they carted me off to the Capitol?"
"No. About six months before that. Right after New Year's. We were in the Hob, eating some slop of Greasy Sae's. And Darius was teasing you about trading a rabbit for one of his kisses. And I realized...I minded," he says softly.
I swallowed and shook myself. I should see him while I'm here in 2, I thought. So I asked a soldier standing nearby where was the home of Commander Gale Hawthorne and he said he would drive me.
It wasn't far away and it was a very nice house. The soldier waited in his car while I nervously knocked at the door. It opened and I sucked in a breath.
A very pregnant woman was standing in the doorway, her eyebrow raised. She had long blonde hair and rich brown eyes. She was beautiful…and was very nearly glaring at me.
"Yes?" Her tone indicated I was not welcome.
"Um. Hi. Is your…um, is Gale home?"
"He's out. I can give him a message if you want?"
"Uh, no. It's ok. Thank you." She closed the door tightly and I stopped at the sound of a deep voice from inside.
"Ghilda? Who was at the door?"
"One of those brats from the school, trying to sell something," came her voice. I froze and debated knocking again. But I decided against it and almost ran back to the car. The Soldier said nothing as he drove me back to the hotel.
As soon as I got back, I threw the blankets aside and pulled Peeta's cock out of the confines of his jeans. It didn't take long for him to wake up to me licking up and down his shaft. As his eyes fluttered open I climbed on top of him and rode him fiercely. We reached our peaks quickly and he pulled me into his arms and kissed me tenderly. He whispered over and over how much he loved me and how lucky he was.
I felt sick. I excused myself to go the bathroom and I threw up. Why was I feeling this…jealousy? Gale isn't a part of my life anymore. We will never be the friends that we once were.
I thought I was ok with that. Clearly I have some issues.
"Katniss," comes Annie's gentle voice. I blink and shake my head.
"Sorry, I'm in a bit of a daze." I can feel Peeta's eyes boring into me but I take a sip of water and put on a smile. Not long after that, Peeta puts the baby in Delly's arms and sets a hand on my back.
"We should probably get back before Katniss falls asleep at the table. We didn't sleep much on the train." Annie nods and stands up to hug us.
"Thank you so much for this, Annie," I say as I embrace her. I turn to give Rory a hug and he bites his lip.
"I'm sorry if I caused any trouble." I frown.
"What do you mean? What trouble?" His eyes go behind me, to Peeta and I turn to look at him. His smile seems strained and he looks tense. I sigh and shake my head.
"Don't worry, Rory, we're alright." He nods and I allow Peeta to steer me back to our home.
He follows me up the stairs without saying a word. I can feel him watching me as I dress for bed. Finally I can't take it anymore. I throw my jeans aside and whirl around.
"What," I snap and I see his eyes widen.
"I knew there was something going on with you," he says quietly. "I thought it was just the whole thing with District 11 but no, it's something else. Something to do with him."
"Oh for crying out loud, Peeta!"
"So lie to me and tell me it's not!" I march up to him and stab him in the chest with my finger.
"When are you going to get the hell over this, Peeta? I married you, damn it! Not him! I chose YOU!"
"So tell me what's bothering you," he yells back, his face red.
"It's nothing, ok? Just drop it!" I run into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. I lean over the sink and stare at my reflection. Ugh. I look a mess. I splash some water on my face and decide to take a shower.
When I get out, I feel refreshed and a lot better. I decide I need to apologize to Peeta; he's just being a good husband who cares about me. For some messed up reason, I keep managing to hurt him with my heartless words.
I immediately see that he is not in our bedroom. I hurriedly dress for bed and hurry down to the kitchen, which is empty. I don't see him in the living room either and panicked, I start calling his name. I run back upstairs and down the hall, crying out for him. I freeze when I see his studio door ajar. I start to knock but think better of it, and push it open a tiny bit.
He's sitting behind his easel, painting furiously. His face is red and he keeps shaking his head, his shoulders tense and hunched.
"Mutt…fucking mutt," I hear him mutter to himself and I stifle a sob. But only seconds later, I watch him slap himself and mutter other words. Love. Wife. Adore. Perfect.
Mutt. Mutt. MUTT.
I pull the door shut and lean against it, squeezing my eyes shut, hoping to keep the tears at bay. But I have no luck. I slide down the door and pull my knees to my chest, hiding my face in my lap as the tears fall.
I have no idea how long I stay there and don't even realize I have fallen asleep. I feel the door move behind me and I fall backwards. At the same time, something stumbles over me and falls into a crumpled heap.
"What the-" I hear an angry voice and I lean up to see Peeta frowning down at me.
"Katniss what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm…I'm sorry. I fell asleep against the door, I guess…I didn't mean to…are you ok?"
"I'm fine," he mutters as he rubs his knee. "Are you?"
"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." He nods and stands up. I glance up at him and see him holding a hand out for me to take. I do and he pulls me to my feet and takes a step back.
"Why are you sleeping outside my studio?"
"I…I came in to apologize. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, I should never take it out on you but I do and I…I'm sorry, Peeta."
"Katniss," he sighs tiredly. His hands twitch by his sides and I just want his hands on my skin. I chance a glance up at him and see that he is still frowning. He looks puzzled…troubled, even.
"You came into the studio? Last night?" I nod and he swallows.
"I, um…you didn't…say anything to me. I mean, did you," sighing, he runs his fingers through his messy hair. "I didn't…do anything, did I?"
"No. I…heard you and just…" Ugh. Why are words so damn hard? Like feelings. Feelings are hard and it's not the first time that I wish I hadn't allowed myself to fall so hard for this man.
I scoff. Allowed myself? He pushed his way into my heart. Peeta was always meant to be the one to break down the walls around my heart. No one else could. Gale certainly couldn't. He had enough walls himself. Our relationship would be so detrimental to our mental state.
I reach for his hands and bring them to my cheeks. He exhales sharply but doesn't move beyond that.
"I'm so sorry," I breathe out. "I don't know why I'm so hardheaded sometimes." I see his lips twitch slightly. "You're my husband and I'm supposed to share everything with you, especially my feelings, and I…I just…" I hang my head and he holds my face in his hands.
"You're not supposed to do anything," he says firmly. "I want you to share things with me because you love me. Because you trust me. Because you believe I will try to help. Relationships take work, Katniss. Marriage is hard. We have to work at this and we can't let ourselves think there is any one way things are supposed to be. Talk to me because you want to. Not because you married me."
"Ok," I nod, kissing his fingers that are gripping my cheek. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "Ghilda is pregnant."
"And why does that bother you so much? Aren't you happy for him?"
"I guess I'm just disappointed that he didn't tell me. He acts like….like we never meant anything to each other! He has the nerve to come in here and act jealous and still put you down…scorn me for choosing you. And yet he is having a baby and he never told me!"
"Maybe he's afraid of what you'll say," he says as he pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes. "You never wanted to get married or have children. He did. Then he sees you happily married and he's not sure how to react. Especially since you married a Merchant. Katniss…the last time he was in 12…you remember when he came to the house and asked me to walk with him?" I nod, waiting for him to continue. I remember how pale Peeta was when he returned home that night. How quiet he was and I had asked him time and time again what Gale had told him.
"What did he say to you?"
"Lots of things. But what shocked me the most was…he thanked me for saving your life. And he said…I don't know if I believe this, Katniss, but he told me he didn't know if he would have been able to do it, if he had volunteered for me, I mean." My brow furrows as I look up into his eyes. What?
"You had Prim and your mother to look after. Gale had his brothers and sister and his mother. He was thinking of making it home to them, to keep them alive, like you were with your family. The moment I heard my name at the Reaping I was thinking of ways to keep you alive and make sure you made it back home."
"You had a family too," I protest. He scoffs.
"They didn't need me to survive. I told you no one needs me."
"And I told you I do," I say firmly. "I need you. I can survive without you though." I emphasize the word and give him a pointed look. He frowns and looks shocked and hurt. His mouth opens uncertainly and I shake my head.
"You don't remember, do you? That I'd pick whoever I think I can't survive without." He goes pale and he bites his lip.
"Katniss-"
"You didn't disagree with him, Peeta. You kept quiet."
"What did you expect? I wasn't myself, Katniss, I still had flashes of wanting to kill you and I truly expected to die in the Capitol."
"Me too," I say with a stoney face. "When I went to 2, I didn't think I would ever see you again. When I went to the Capitol, I expected to die on the mission. I wasn't even thinking about 'choosing' between you and Gale, all I was thinking about was killing Snow!"
"I know," he says quietly. "But I don't think you'll ever realize how much I wanted to die after hearing you say shooting me… it would be like shooting one of the Capitol's mutts." He swallows and his hands fall to his side. I remember those awful words coming out of my mouth and my anger fades.
"I'm…I'm sorry for everything, Katniss. Everything I said…or did…"
"Peeta stop," I lean up and take his face in my hands. He stares at the floor in misery. "Look at me. Peeta. Look at me." When he obeys, his eyes are full of tears.
"I thought we've been over this, a million times. Stop apologizing for the past. It's over. It's done with. We can move on. We can live happily because we deserve to."
"You're right though, Katniss. You can survive without me. You're-"
"I said I can survive without you. But I can't live without you and I would certainly be dead if not for you." The white scar on his finger seems to glow. He blinks back tears and lifts his head.
"Surviving and living. What's the difference, Katniss? Why do you think you need me?"
"Because you've given me hope and the promise of a better tomorrow. A brighter future. You're my dandelion, Peeta." Anyone else would be baffled at those words but his face softens, his eyes are brighter, and a smile crosses his face. He pulls me into his arms and I stand on my tiptoes so I can wrap my arms around his neck. I bury my face in his shoulder and breathe him in. Cinnamon and dill. A hint of vanilla. It's distinctly Peeta and it's wonderful.
"I fought for years for my survival. Mine and Prim's and my mother's. I hunted to keep us alive. I teamed up with Gale to keep us alive, but I never really lived until you loved me. I didn't know that life could be like that. I'd survived for years without you, Peeta, but I now know I can't live without you."
His arms go underneath my knees and he lifts me up and carries me to our room, his lips planted firmly on mine.
We spend the rest of the day talking while we lay side by side in the bed. He tells me everything Gale told him. I tell him everything that he missed while he was getting better in 13. He tells me how his treatments went in 13, I tell him about the propos that Cressida and Plutarch had me film while he was in captivity. We start talking about our childhoods…his brothers, Prim, my father, my time with Rue in the Games. We talk well into the night and I curl up against his chest and listen to his heart thump against his chest.
"Katniss?" I let out a muffled "mmhm" to let him know I am listening.
"I'm the luckiest man in the world." I'm too tired to refute that statement. I settle for shaking my head and burrowing into him even further so his arms are completely enveloping me. They tighten around me and his warm breath on my face comforts me as we fall asleep.
The next morning I wake to freshly baked muffins on the nightstand and an empty bed. There is a note with a dandelion on the pillow next to me and my first instinct is to panic, since the last note he left on our bed was not a good one.
I couldn't wake you, you looked so beautiful. Gone to help out at the bakery but will be home this afternoon. I love you.
-Peeta
I chew on a muffin while I read in bed, enjoying the quiet and feeling at peace. I push the window open just a little and watch the snow fall when the phone breaks me out of my reverie. Sure that it's Peeta calling (who else would it be? Haymitch is with Effie and Annie's phone is being worked on by some of Brent's people), I answer it with a sly smile.
"Aren't you ready to come home yet? I'm ready for you to come take me against the wall-"
"Stop right there," I hear a panicked voice that is definitely not Peeta's. I freeze and I'm sure someone could cook an egg on my flushing face. "I don't want to hear what baker boy does to you when you're home alone!"
"Jo! What…I thought you were doing seminars with your husband!"
"I am! Well, he is off doing a seminar and he wanted me to explore the city a little bit but I said fuck that, I have seen more than enough of the Capitol to last me a lifetime, thank you very much." Still blushing, I clear my throat.
"Um…ok…is…is everything ok?" I hear her cackle into the phone.
"I can just picture you blushing beet red right now. So Peeta does have a dominant side, then, does he? You like it when he takes you-"
"Johanna!" I hit my own forehead with the phone. "Just…no." She howls with laughter and I have to do everything I can to keep from becoming a puddle on the floor. Or crawling into a hole and dying.
"Ok, Ok, I'll stop. I was just calling to tell you…I'm not pregnant." I grip the phone tighter as I hear her voice becomes sadder.
"How…how do you feel?"
"I don't know," she says quietly. "Relieved. Disappointed. Scared. I'm glad I didn't tell him."
"It could just be another false test?"
"I went to a doctor this morning. She said the first reading was false. Some of these home pregnancy tests are still pretty whack from the Capitol. But Katniss, I…I think I wanted it." This surprises me. Johanna and I are much the same. We are tough and unyielding. Finn opened our hearts to kids but I'm too terrified to have them and I know Johanna doesn't want them because of her nightmares. I'm still amazed that Annie does it so wonderfully. With how messed up we are, I don't know how a Victor can have a child. But as Peeta said, we make our own happily ever afters. I guess for many, a baby is in that happily ever after. I know Peeta wishes it was in his. I didn't expect it from Johanna.
"So you try again," I say simply. "There's no reason you can't have kids, Jo. And you and George would make great parents."
"I'm scared."
"Of course you're scared. That's the scariest thing in the world!"
"I'm scared of what will happen if I wake it up with my nightmares. Or what if George gets tired of me and leaves me alone with this kid? What if it grows up to resent me? What if-"
"Johanna," I say gently, stopping her. "Stop with the what if's. They never help. Think about the when. When you hold your baby for the first time and see he has your eyes. When George carries him in on his shoulders and you are cooking dinner. When he throws his arms around you and tells you he loves you and that he is glad you are his mommy. Yes it is scary. But it can be wonderful. It WILL be wonderful." There is silence for the longest time.
"Sounds like you have thought about this a lot, Katniss."
"Johanna-"
"Why, Katniss? Why are you still so afraid? Don't you see, you will make a great mother too? Think about! Us being pregnant at the same time!" I laugh but there is no humor to it.
"Sorry, can't see that happening. But Peeta and I would love another godchild. Talk to George about it. You can start trying, really trying for one, and see what happens. You're young, Johanna, you guys have lots of time to start a family."
"I know. I guess…the terror of an accidental pregnancy kind of opened me up to the idea. And now I want one. I think."
"Well, be sure about it first."
"Katniss…I won't rant to you about how I think you're being unfair to Peeta. You've heard it before and I know you still think about it. But…I think you should really consider it for yourself. You, Katniss Mellark, are an amazing role model. And it would be a shame not to see little mockingjays running around Panem."
"I'll keep that in mind," I say with a chuckle. I hear the door close downstairs and nearly drop the phone. "I have to go, Jo, Peeta's home."
"Oh yeah, let him take you against that wall."
"Johanna," I groan and she laughs.
"I'll talk to you soon, brainless. Give my love to bread boy."
"Bye Jo."
I hang up as Peeta is rounding the corner and stops in the doorway. His face is smeared with flour and his curls are standing on end.
"There's my girl."
"Was I missing?" He sweeps me up and kisses me and I feel lightheaded. I always feel dizzy from our kisses. His kisses are like morphling. They completely relax me and take over my senses and make me hunger for even more. He sets me down and looks around the study.
"Were you actually using the phone?" I smack him at his teasing tone and he chuckles.
"Excuse you. I answer the phone when it rings. And Johanna called from the Capitol. She sends her love by the way."
"She getting bored with the fashion seminars yet?"
"I think she's just taking a day off. But it's hard for her to be there without George. You can imagine how she feels about touring around the Capitol." A pained expression crosses his face and he nods.
"I can imagine."
"So what are we doing today?"
"Well the snow is really coming down out there. I thought cuddling in front of the fireplace with some hot chocolate sounded pretty good."
I kiss his nose and smile up at him. Nothing makes me happier than when I see his lips curl up into a grin.
"Sounds perfect."
I close my eyes as his fingers work at my feet, his talented hands causing shivers to run up and down my body. His eyes are glued to the TV, some boring program about a cake competition in the Capitol and I lean my head back against the cushion, feeling too comfortable to move. I hear the program go off and he picks up the remote control from the table beside the couch. Before he can turn it off, however, I hear him suck in a breath and hear my name only seconds later.
"-accused of plotting the kidnapping and possible murder of Panem's Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen Mellark. The group known as the Red Revoluntionaries disbanded after their leader was captured and today President Paylor received a request from District 13, asking for amnesty for the leader of the Revolutionaries, Doctor Tallon Linger, who called himself Teacher. President Paylor refused to comment but her war secretary did tell us this:
"The President has the Mockingjay's best interests at heart and was furious when she was kidnapped. Anyone who was involved with the plot against her life will be justly punished and the President will not likely be lenient with any of them. I don't know what answer she will give the district, but I can assure you, she respects Katniss Everdeen and will do everything she can to protect her."
"Interesting but you have to agree, we have already known this," the reporter goes on to say, looking bored. "What Panem would like to know is the fascinating connection Dr. Linger had to the Mockingjay during her stay in 13. And we have that story for you tonight." I sit up and frown at the TV, pulling my feet out of Peeta's lap. Another reporter comes on, standing in front of the old Justice Building in 13. I'm getting sick of seeing these shots of that building.
"We're standing in District 13 and earlier entered the medical center that Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark were admitted to during their stay here. Sources informed us that Doctor Linger was one of the doctors in charge of Peeta Mellark's rehabilitation after his rescue from the Capitol. As you well know, Mellark was tortured and returned with altered memories and frequent to violent episodes. It was even reported that Mellark tried to kill Everdeen himself after his return. This torture, we have learned, is known as hijacking, in which the victim's memories are altered by torture and tracker-jacker venom. The amounts of venom found in Mellark's bloodstream were alarmingly high and it was unknown if he would ever return to his former self. Sources inform us of a psychiatrist who helped Mellark during his rehabilitation and is reported to still have contact with the Victor. Doctor Marco Aurelius refused to comment and firmly told us to 'keep our noses out of other people's business, especially former victors whose lives deserve some privacy.'" The reporter snorts and I chance a glance at Peeta, who has gone pale. I reach for his hand and feel him squeeze mine but his eyes refuse to leave the TV.
Sorry you guys but it's been awhile since I've left you with somewhat of a cliffhanger ;) this chapter is split, if I can get some reviews tomorrow I will post the next part tomorrow night! I'm officially back from vacation and going back to work immediately. Will find some time to post this weekend!
XOXOXO!