Chapter 8:
It had been a week since that morning, a week since screaming and dislocated arms and true love's magic. And an eventful week it was. Emma had battled a giant spider that was apparently Gideon's murderous pet and had found herself very nearly killed by it. Regina had revealed the Queen's continued existence in Storybrooke to Snow and David (separately, of course) and found them surprising receptive, well, after they each got over their initial impulse to doubt her newfound goodness (or at the very least her newfound desire to live somewhere in the moral grey area). She and Snow had actually shared a tearful moment of bonding when the Queen had apologized for everything she'd ever put Snow through and vowed to do her best to reunite her with Charming. With that the Queen went to work picking up where Regina had left off attempting to undo the sleeping curse she'd placed on Snow and Charming's hearts, and Regina went to work trying to sort out the disturbing new side effects Henry was suffering due to his author powers. All three of them had found themselves so wrapped up in the many threats facing the town that they had hardly seen each other, nevermind had time to discuss the implications of all that had transpired between them.
The next time Regina saw Emma on her own it was 10 o'clock at night the following Sunday. She was walking back from the author's house where, after clearing away an abundance of spider webs, she'd spent hours trying to find out what was happening to Henry, coming up frustratingly empty handed and finally deciding to call it a night when, even with her glasses, she could no longer see straight. Thinking that walking rather than poofing (at some point Emma's annoyingly simplistic term for magical teleportation had snuck into her own vernacular) home might do her some good, she began the journey back across town, breathing in the crisp night air and using its freshness to help clear her head. She'd been lost in her own little world when a familiar voice cursing in frustration drew her attention. She'd looked up to find Emma standing in the street outside of Granny's, one shaking arm gripped tightly by her other hand, a seemingly fresh cup of coffee splattered across her feet and the bottoms of her pants.
"Emma?" Regina hurried forward, rushing to Emma's side.
"I'm fine, Regina. It's just these damn tremors. I just bought that fucking coffee...and these shoes." Emma looked over at her with her brow pinched and her lips drawn into a pout. Regina gave her a sympathetic smile before twirling her hand in the air between them.
"Well, my dear, it's a good thing I have magic. I may not be able to stop your hand from shaking but I can do something about your coffee, and your shoes." Within seconds Emma's shoes and pants were clean and dry, and two freshly steaming cups of coffee were in Regina's hands, one held out towards Emma. "It's a mocha, with extra whipped cream and cinnamon."
Emma gave her a grateful smile, letting her still trembling hand fall to her side and reaching out to take the proffered beverage with her steady one.
"I could have done that, you know."
"Of course you could, but I figured given the way your visions seem to impact your magic it might be the safer bet for me to help you out. It's no trouble, really." Regina gently squeezed Emma's shoulder, giving her a reassuring smile that said she knew Emma wasn't incompetent. They began to walk, side by side with shoulders so close they were nearly touching, not discussing where they were headed but both moving in the direction of Mifflin street.
"So, what are you doing out so late Regina? Is there some crisis I don't know about?"
"No, nothing new. I was just trying, and failing, to see if I could make any headway on figuring out what can be done to help Henry with his author powers." Emma pulled up short, the already deep worry lines creasing her forehead growing ever deeper.
"Has he had another episode? Is he ok?"
"He's fine, Emma. It was just the one...trance...or whatever that was. But since Issac was less than helpful I thought that maybe, if I can find what authors this has happened to before, I might be able to determine what it means and how to stop it from getting worse before it happens again. With the Queen working on breaking your parent's curse I had some time to spare, not that it's done me any good. I'm no closer to figuring out what's going on or what it means. Though they may have kept excellent records over what happened around them there doesn't appear to be any kind of a record of who the authors themselves were. Aside from Issac, I haven't found any hint of the identity or story of a single one of the them, and without the Apprentice to help us I'm starting to doubt I ever will."
Emma reached up and pulled her hair free from its ponytail, dragging her fingers through the long, lifeless locks in an attempt to detangle the snarled ends. Not for the first time Regina noticed how limp Emma's hair was, how both it and the woman herself seemed to have grown thinner over the past year. She couldn't help but worry that, despite Emma's promises to fight the prophecy of her death, she wouldn't be physically strong enough to put up much of a fight at all when the moment came. Somewhere along way, amidst the near constant battle that had been there lives since Emma had come to town and broken the curse, the strong, spirited, vibrant woman had started to crumble under it all and Regina was pained to realize that she wasn't sure when Emma had started to fade away. Still, as she stood contemplating how she could have missed how much the woman she called her best friend was struggling, Emma tied her hair up once again, straightened her back, and reached out to place a comforting hand on Regina's forearm.
"We'll sort it out Regina. We always do. We won't let anything happen to Henry." She slid her hand down and wrapped it around Regina's fingers, giving a slight squeeze. "He's our son, we got this." Emma attempted a confident smile but it hardly eased the worry still creasing her face, and it didn't distract from the remaining ever-so-subtle trembling in Emma's hand that Regina could feel through the fingers clasped around her own.
Emma could sense the way Regina's eyes were dancing over her face, taking in every little aspect of her features. She wanted to squirm, to look away, to find somewhere to hide. She knew Regina could read her like a book, in fact it seemed she'd been able to see right through her almost since the first day they'd met, and she was certain she could see past the brave face she was putting on, but she hoped Regina would also see that she really needed her to just let her be brave for them right now. And, of course, Regina did. She turned her hand over in Emma's and gave her own squeeze in response before dropping the hold and turning to continue on her way home, the invitation for Emma to follow unspoken but obvious in the way she hesitated for just a second after a couple of steps until she heard Emma start to move towards her. They continued in a mostly comfortable silence, both getting lost in their own wandering thoughts, until they found themselves at Regina's door. Emma stopped at the walkway, only then realizing that she'd been intending to head to her own house from the diner but had instead followed Regina straight across town to the mansion.
"I guess I should head home."
"Would you like to come in for a drink?"
They spoke at the same time, each chuckling awkwardly as a result.
"If you've something to do, please don't let me keep you." Regina's eyes were cast downwards and she seemed to be actually fidgeting, shuffling one high-heeled foot in a truly uncharacteristic manner. Over the past week the two women had hardly seen each other, but when they had there had been a lingering tension, the aftershocks of the previous weekend clearly hanging in the air between them and causing Regina to revert a bit into the oh-so-professional mayor mood that she rarely used around Emma anymore. It also brought out this physical shyness, something that Emma thought was likely a throwback to a younger Regina that was coming out now that some of the regal poise of the Queen had been removed from her body.
"Nah, I was just gonna go home and break into Hook's leftover rum. No reason I can't have a drink here instead." Emma grinned and earned herself a rueful shake of the head from Regina.
"We won't be having rum here, my dear."
"Oh of course not. I know you don't drink the stuff. Much too common for a Queen like you." Regina hummed in agreement, unlocking the front door and standing aside to usher Emma into the house.
10 minutes later saw them seated silently in the study, a cold beer in Emma's hand and a glass of red wine in Regina's. Regina had her feet tucked up under her on the couch, her shoes having been left carefully placed by the front door, her gaze unfocused as she looked out the window. Emma couldn't help but study Regina, taking in the way her just past chin length hair had begun to frizz ever so slightly, the ends flipping a bit more wildly than usual, and the way her arms wrapped around her body though not quite as protectively as they had when she and the Queen had been truly two halves instead of a shared whole.
Regina could feel Emma's eyes on her, she always could and, though she'd be lying if she said she didn't find it at least a little unnerving, it was something she was used to and something she had long since given up trying to hide from. She knew she was guilty of doing the same thing to Emma, she'd spent more than a little time letting her eyes roam over the other woman, taking in everything about her body language and the slightest facial expressions. When they'd first met she'd used what she could glean from her observations against Emma, pulling out information that could tell her when she'd gotten under Emma's skin and hit a raw nerve. Now she preferred to use what she learned to see inside Emma's walls, and she was sure Emma was doing the same at that very moment.
"So...how's your other half? I don't think I've seen her since..." There was an unspoken tension as Emma's sentence trailed off, both of them remembering how the Queen had pulled into herself after threatening and injuring Emma the previous weekend. She'd awoken sometime in the middle of the night and slipped out of the bed she was sharing with Regina and left the house, leaving no note or sign of where she was going. Regina had known where the Queen was, more or less, something in her able to just sense that she'd retreated to the safety of her vault. Maybe it was just that she knew it's what she would have done when feeling similarly vulnerable and out of sorts, or maybe it was more than that. Aside from the two times they'd met up to discuss things with Snow and David Regina hadn't seen or heard from the Queen.
"She's been working on breaking your parent's curse, I imagine that's keeping her quite busy. Despite our familiarity with sleeping curses we've never had to find a work-around for breaking them, especially with true love's kiss off the table." She turned back to Emma on the other end of the couch, seeing the way Emma's mouth twitch downward at the words "true love" and her brow pinched. Her face always did give her away. Regina watched silently for another moment as Emma took a slow drag of her beer, avoiding making eye contact and looking at the fireless fireplace, her free hand coming up to knead the muscles of her shoulder.
"Does your shoulder still hurt?" Emma shrugged, finally looking back at Regina.
"Not much, not really."
"You should heal it, or let me heal it. There's no need to be in pain when we can do something about it."
"It's ok, really Regina. It's nothing an ice pack and some ibuprofen can't handle."
Silence stretched between them again, each one sipping their drink and getting lost in their own thoughts once more. Regina wasn't sure how long they remained like that, only realizing that some time must have passed when she went for another drink of wine and discovered her glass empty. As she rose to refill it Emma broke the quiet of the room.
"You didn't answer my question."
"What?"
"I didn't ask what the Queen was doing, I asked how she was doing."
Regina considered the question, and her response, for a moment, buying herself time while she poured another rather full glass of wine and returned to the sofa.
"She's scared. For her I imagine all of this," she let her hand gesture between the two of them, "is rather like if I had been thrown into a supportive family immediately upon arriving in Storybrooke 32 years ago. We all saw the results of my missteps with how I reacted to the first bit of genuine care shown to me back then." Guilt and sorrow flashed across Regina's face and it was obvious she was thinking of a little boy whose life she had torn apart in an attempt to grasp onto something that felt like love. "She is ill-equipped to handle this level of caring, even with my love in her heart."
"But it's not like this is brand new to her. I mean, she was inside you all this time, right? So she's been around for all this stuff and been a part of everything that's changed you."
"Well, she was there, but you have to understand that she was fighting all of this tooth and nail every single step of the way. To her everything I've built, everything I have in my life that has made it so full, was always abhorrent. She's spent the past several years trying to keep me from giving in to what to her feels like weakness, like opening myself up to being used and tricked. She was created because I let myself believe in love and hope and it was used against me, so the idea that love and hope could bring happiness to my life, or to her life, seems impossible. Now she has that love in her heart because I put it there, but her mind and every instinct, everything she thinks she knows, is screaming at her that this has to be a trick or a lie."
Emma didn't speak, instead allowing Regina's words to sink in. Somewhere between becoming the Dark One and returning from Storybrooke's hellish doppelganger Emma had become less impulsive with her words. Her silences we longer, she chose to speak less freely and with much more consideration than before. In some ways it seemed like a maturation of Emma's thought process, but Regina also saw it as yet another way in which the woman next to her was steadily fading away. Emma's hand drifted to Regina's knee and rubbed it gently.
"You know, I don't think I've even bothered to ask you how you are doing with all of this. You spent so long fighting her and now she's just...here. Are you ok?" Regina chuckled, patting the hand on her knee.
"Don't worry about me, dear. I'm fine."
"Come on Regina, this woman is running around, having spent the past couple of months literally trying to tear your family apart and turn you evil, and now she's essentially the super moody identical twin sister you never asked for. That can't be easy. Where is your head at in all of this?" Regina took another long swallow of her wine while Emma downed the rest of her beer and placed the empty bottle on the coffee table (on top of a coaster, for once).
"I honestly don't know how I feel. It's a lot and I haven't really had a moment to breathe and think about everything. I suppose I'll have to do that at some point, and we'll have to figure out what to do with the Queen when things settle down, but then again she's her own person and, as long as she's not out to harm anyone, what happens to her is really more her decision than mine." Regina could feel herself tensing, thoughts about this whole ridiculous situation that she'd found herself, the thoughts she'd been trying her best to keep at bay so she could focus on the bigger problems at hand, began to swim through her mind.
"True, but I know you still feel responsible for her. You care, it's what you do. Admit it, you're a big softy." Emma gave Regina a knowing smirk, clearly trying to lighten the mood she'd brought on with her question and give Regina the breather from the troubled thoughts she could see dancing behind her dark eyes that she so obviously needed. Though she did want to get Regina talking, knowing that it was important and that no one had really bothered to consider how Regina was coping, she also wouldn't push her when she knew she truly wasn't ready. Regina let out a huff, attempting to seem irritated when it was obvious she was grateful for the out Emma had given her, and punched her lightly in the arm in response only to see Emma wince, a reminder of her still healing shoulder.
"Come here you idiot." Regina tugged Emma closer, just beginning to feel the two hearty glasses of wine loosening her body. Emma grumbled something under her breath but did as she was told, turning on the couch so Regina had full access to her still-tender arm, back, and shoulder. Regina's touch was soft and warm, even before Emma felt the oh so familiar magic begin flowing into her skin. Immediately, as fingers gently and skillfully kneaded aching muscles, she could feel the torn tissues knitting themselves back together, the deep bruising fading away. In less than a minute she knew her injuries were completely healed, and yet Regina's hands remained, slowly working their way over to Emma's neck, her other shoulder, and moving down her spine, the pressure of her fingers becoming a bit more intense until she hit upon a bruise hidden beneath her shirt and Emma sucked in a sharp breath.
"Emma...?" Regina breathed out, placing her palms flat against Emma's shoulders, careful not to inflict any more pain.
"It's nothing Regina. It's just some bruises. I promise I'm ok. The shoulder was the worst of it and look," She looked at Regina over her shoulder and gave it an exaggerated roll, "all better, thanks to you." Regina scowled.
"Yes, well, you should have let me help you with that a week ago, and you should let me see what I can do about the rest of your injuries now. It's really the least I can do. " Emma watched her closely while she spoke, seeing the flicker of guilt on her face.
"Regina," she raised one hand to clutch one of Regina's that still rested on her shoulder, "this wasn't your fault. You didn't do this to me. She did, but that's ok too. I'm ok, and I've forgiven her." Regina dropped her eyes to her lap and hummed low in her throat, one hand falling from Emma's back but one, still held firm under Emma's own, remained. "You're not gonna let this go until I let you help me are you?"
Regina lifted her gaze and one eyebrow quirked upwards. Emma sighed and shook her head, scooting away from Regina just a bit on the couch. Regina was about to ask where she was going when all of a sudden Emma was standing and reaching down to the hem of her shirt and dragging it up over her head and Regina forgot how to speak at all. Somehow, in all their years of having known eachother, it became suddenly very clear how little of Emma's body she'd ever actually seen. Sure, she'd seen her in everything from formalwear to jeans and tank tops to pajamas, but aside from the one time, oh so many years ago now, when Emma had swung open her door to her wearing nothing more than a white tank top and her bright red underwear, they'd been too busy fighting the monster of the week to even do something as simple as take Henry to the beach for a weekend swim. Even in Neverland Regina had used magic to keep herself clean and she'd been too concerned about Henry and Tinkerbell and Rumple and Pan to give a second thought to how it was Emma seemed to be staying reasonably fresh (she must have been bathing in a river somewhere, Regina considered before shaking her head and focusing on the moment at hand).
Standing in the middle of Regina's study, lit by the moon and the soft warm lights Regina preferred to fill the space with as they mimicked the glow of a fire, Emma was bare, 100%, from the waist up, and Regina found herself having to actually remember to breathe.
Emma's back was to her, and it seemed she'd forgone a bra that day, as she was completely topless. There were bruises along her shoulder blades (which seemed far too prominent), and down atop each knot of her spine (every single one a ridge visible under the tender flesh that just barely kept them within her body), and with every inhale Regina felt certain she could count every one of Emma's ribs. The purple, green, and yellow discoloration made it clear just how much violence had been used to throw Emma's boney frame against the kitchen wall and seeing it made Regina's heart ache. While she was lost in her own thoughts, Emma moved back towards the couch and sat herself down, her back turned entirely to Regina, her arms crossed around her front self-consciously with her shirt clutched in her hands.
Seconds ticked by and neither of them moved, the only sound in the room their breathing, both slightly more rapid than called for and seemingly louder than normal. Emma cleared her throat.
"Um...Regina?"
"Hmm?"
"It's kinda cold in here, so if you're not going to do anything can I put my shirt back on?"
Hardly even moving at all Regina flicked the fingers on her right hand and a small flame shot from them to the fireplace, igniting it instantly and causing a flickering light and gentle warmth to spread across the room.
"Or you could just do that..." Emma trailed off with an awkward chuckle, her shoulders tensing even further as she sat feeling entirely too exposed and wondering why exactly she'd thought taking her shirt off was a good idea. She felt Regina's hands come up, not quite touching her and yet somehow she was aware they were there, right behind her, hovering over her damaged flesh. Another 10 seconds ticked by, then 20. Emma felt goosebumps rising on her skin despite the added warmth from the fire.
"I'm going to touch you now. Is that alright?" Regina's voice was cracking and lower than usual and it caused the goosebumps on Emma's skin to raise even further. She knew that if she spoke it would come out an undignified squeak so she went with a solid nod instead. Not even a breath later and Regina's hands, warm and smooth, were on her and her heart was stuttering as she felt magic pouring into her skin. Fingers danced over her back, tracing the marks there and healing them as they went, easing not just the bruises but the pain that lay deeper within her muscles and bones. She could feel Regina following her spine and her ribs, moving up to her shoulder blades and then back down to the place where the back of her pelvis was just a little too close to the surface of her lower back. The touches were feather light yet she could feel them all the way through her core, causing a soothing calm to spread from deep within her and radiate out to her limbs. Emma's eyes slid shut, her heading dropping forward and her crossed arms falling to her lap.
Regina knew she had long since healed all of Emma's bruises and should really back away, but she found herself entirely unable to remove her hands from Emma. She traced each bone, each old scar she'd never known existed, and found a longing bubbling up from deep within her gut, desperately wishing she could heal more than just the recent damage. She wanted with every fiber of her being to be able to put the strength and vibrancy back into the body beneath her hands. She thought of curses and Dark Ones and heartbreaking choices and how none of this would be happening at all if she hadn't been so dead set on vengeance that she forced Snow White's daughter into the role of Savior. Yes, everything that had happened had brought Henry into her life, and no, she would never change the path of her life if it meant she would lose him, but that didn't mean she didn't struggle under the weight of intense guilt for everything she had put Emma through. This woman had become her closest friend, the only true confidant she'd ever had, and she knew that somehow even their relationship was only possible because of the choices she made that had brought them here. Had she not relentlessly pursued Snow White, had she never cast the curse, her relationship with Henry was not the only precious thing in her life that she would have missed out on. She had never had anyone else like Emma in her life, someone who knew her dark and her light and stood steadily by her side and she couldn't imagine how she would have survived the past few years without her constant presence. Suddenly, looking at the too thin frame of a woman who was once all slightly tan skin, sturdy muscles, and perfect princess curls, Regina felt undeniably selfish because, when it came down to it, she wouldn't change even the worst of her past for fear of losing what she had with Henry and Emma and yet the position she'd put Emma in as Savior was quite literally and obviously killing her. Emma, who was so wonderful and so strong and so determined to give everyone the happiness she believed they each deserved, was slipping away more with each day and, if the prophecy came true, would very shortly cease to exist as anything but a memory. Perhaps changing her past would mean sacrificing the only true happiness she'd ever known but it would have saved Emma this horrible fate and she knew she should want that, especially given that, as they sat there and her hands continued to map the body beneath her fingertips, she realized that she wasn't sure she could ever be happy again if Emma was stolen from her life. But still her head and her heart clung to Henry and said that no, she would do it all over again if it brought her little prince into her arms.
Regina didn't even notice that she'd begun crying, or that Emma had been looking at her over her shoulder and quietly saying her name with her brow furrowed in confusion, until she turned fully in Regina's arms, concern written all over her face and hands coming up to catch the tears before they fell. Emma was naked from the waist up, her bare breasts completely exposed to Regina as if it was somehow the most natural thing in the world, her only focus on reaching Regina and finding out what was causing her to become increasing distraught.
"Em-m-a." The word broke in three, trying desperately to make its way free from Regina's tear-choked throat.
"What is it Regina? What's wrong? What can I do?" Emma looked stricken, so rare was it for Regina to crack like this. She kept her hands on Regina's face, wiping away tears as fast as they fell, never once moving to cover herself up or back away from the emotion spilling forth. Regina's tears only multiplied, turning into actual sobs as she watched Emma struggling to figure out how to help. That's all she ever tried to do. Always looking to help, to fix, to bring back the happy endings, to ensure everyone's safety, to dive into the darkness if it meant sparing someone she loved from the same fate.
"You have to fight." Regina spluttered, horrified by her own inability to get her emotions under control, but determined to get her point across.
"What?" Emma was clearly trying to figure out where Regina's thought process had taken them.
"You can't die Emma. You can't just die. I don't care what it means for you to live, I don't care what has to happen to make it possible. I don't care if we are all trapped in some alternate reality, I don't care if there's a curse or if everyone is damned to hell. You can't just die. You have to fight." Regina was practically shrieking at this point and Emma was struck dumb for a moment by the sheer force of Regina's emotional declaration.
"Regina I-of course I'm going to fight. I'm not going down willingly, I would never do that."
"Yes, you would. You're an idiotic hero, remember? You do ridiculous things like throw yourself at the mercy of the oldest and most powerful dark magic we know of just to save Evil Queens from a well-deserved fate."
"I had to do that. You've worked too hard to have your happiness destroyed!" Her words echoed the ones she'd shouted through swirling, howling blackness and Emma felt herself getting defensive, unable to understand why Regina always jumped down her throat whenever her choice to take on becoming the Dark One in order to save Regina from it came up.
"Has it never occurred to you that losing you would impact my happiness? Are you really that dense?"
Emma's hands stilled on her face, no longer brushing along her cheekbones to catch the still falling tears, and she tilted her head and squinted at Regina like she was trying to force something slightly blurry to come into focus before her eyes. Finally she dropped her hands and looked down at them in her lap.
"Look Regina, I don't know what you want me to say here. I know you hate what I did but I'd do it again, every time." As she spoke she seemed to become aware of how physically exposed she was and she crossed her arms over her chest in an effort to cover up her nakedness. Regina's fingers on her chin pulled her focus from her own lap and back up to her face.
"Emma, I don't hate you. I could never, and we both know how hard I've tried to do just that. I just...I don't think you understand how much you mean to me, and I don't think you realize that dying to save us might take away more happiness than it's worth." Now it was Regina who had her hands on Emma's face, stroking gently along the apples of her cheeks with her thumbs.
A deep stillness took up residence between them, their awareness zeroing in on one another and the rest of the room falling away until all either of them could see was the other's eyes.
"Promise me you'll live." Regina's voice was barely even loud enough to be called a whisper but she didn't dare speak louder and break this bubble where the two of them were the only people that mattered in the whole world.
"I promise I'll try."
"That's not enough."
"I can't promise more than that and you know it. I'm sorry but I can't, it would only be a lie if I did and I won't lie to you."
Regina gave her a sad, watery smile at that and it made Emma's heart ache. She wanted so desperately to be able to take the pain out of Regina's smile but she knew she couldn't do what she was asking.
"Please?" Regina's voice was small and pleading in a way Emma had only heard once before, when they were sharing a room on the Jolly Roger on the way to Neverland and Regina had been talking in her fitful sleep.
"What do you want me to do Regina? How can I make you believe me when I say I don't want to die, that I am going to do everything I can to stay here, to stay with my family, with Henry, with you?"
Regina didn't answer at first, offered her nothing as she closed her eyes and leaned her head further to the side where Emma's hand was fully cupping her cheek. She seemed to be trying to center herself, or gather her thoughts. Emma could see the way she was taking deep breaths in through her nose and she could feel the exhales puff out from her lips and ghost past her own face due to how close they had been drawn to one another as they spoke. When brown eyes fluttered open and looked back up at her through dark eyelashes still wet with tears, she found herself breathless, which turned out to be a good thing when she heard the next words out of Regina's mouth as she was fairly certain that if she had been attempting to breathe just then she would have choked on thin air.
"Kiss me."
Oddly, despite the fact that those two words were the last thing she had ever thought she'd hear, Emma found her body ready to comply before she'd even fully processed the request, and so she shut down her brain which immediately tried to over-think things and let herself follow her instincts, leaning in without a moment's hesitation and catching the nervous exhalation that sprung from Regina's slightly parted lips with her own before their mouths connected.