It had been three days since the Normandy departed from the Citadel, and it would be another three days until they arrived on Therum. When Garrus had delivered the update to Pressly, the man had seemed unhappy to have to talk to him. He suspected Pressly had a personal distaste for either turians or non-humans in general. He made a mental note to avoid doing anything to further exacerbate that distaste.
Most of Garrus' time over the past few days had been spent calibrating the mako and keeping himself confined to either the cargo bay or the observation deck. The Normandy did have dextro rations, it turned out, consisting mostly of stale breads and instant meals that were probably expired. Shepard had apologized multiple times for the state of things. She was having the mess sergant put in an order for new rations, for which Garrus and Tali were immensely thankful.
Tali had been spending all of her time in engineering, working on improvements to the ship with engineer Adams. Wrex, to Garrus' surprise, had spent a large portion of his time talking to Kaidan and reading books on biotics; it was apparently an interest of his. Garrus, for his part, wasn't really aware krogan could read. Perhaps every species had its prejudices.
He said as much to Wrex as the krogan leaned against the mako reading his book while Garrus worked on upgrades to the turret.
"You know, Wrex, I'm kind of surprised you're so interested in biotics and reading. I have to admit I was raised to think all krogan were savage thugs."
"What?" Wrex replied in his usual deep rumble, "using the genophage was more bearable when all krogan were savage thugs? You'd better head back to the citadel, kid. Any longer in the real world and you might actually learn something."
Garrus shook his head. "I know it sounds ridiculous now."
"It doesn't sound ridiculous." Wrex put his book down. "Everyone thinks that about us. I've heard it enough times in my life and I've been around for a long time, let me tell you. Maybe you'll realize you don't know anything about krogan and later you can run home and tell the rest of the turians so they can get it through those thick metal heads. You think I think all turians are warmongering pyjaks with a superiority complex?" Garrus was about to respond when Wrex let out a belly-laugh. "Well, I do! But maybe you're not like the rest."
"Fair enough, Wrex," Garrus laughed in return. "Maybe we'll even be friends. Imagine that, a turian, a krogan, a human, and a quarian all getting along."
"If anyone could manage that I'd say Shepard could. She runs a tight ship."
"She really does," he agreed.
"Hope you aren't causing too much trouble down here," a voice called from the elevator.
Ash was headed toward her work bench across from the mako with an arm full of weapons. In fact, she could barely be seen behind the massive pile. She set the weapons gingerly onto the workbench and began sorting things.
"Either of you need a tune-up on your guns?" she called.
"No, I don't let anyone handle my weapons but me," Wrex replied.
"I'm fine, but thanks for the offer."
Ash turned and looked at the two of them unsurely for a moment before turning back to her work. She was very friendly in conversation with others around, but Garrus suspected she was hesitant about their presence on board the ship. He wondered if she had family that had served in the war, because it was his presence specifically that seemed to bother her the most. If Kaidan or Shepard was around, she could find plenty to say, but if it was just the two of them down in the cargo bay, she was almost icy in her responses.
He didn't hold it against her. He was sure she'd warm up to him eventually. He would just have to be nice to her until she realized that all turians weren't responsible for the actions of their ancestors.
"What are you doing to that thing anyway?" Wrex asked. "You've been tinkering it since we left the citadel."
"It's an old piece of machinery; slow, hard to steer, easy to overheat the turret. I'm trying to make some technical upgrades so it's a little less…terrible."
"It's better than what we've got on Tuchanka."
Garrus privately thought that it wasn't saying much to compare anything to what the krogan had on Tuchanka, but he didn't say anything to Wrex. He liked the krogan, from the little time they'd spent together, and he didn't think the comment would be appreciated. So, he just kept on working on the upgrades and Wrex went back to reading his book.
Shepard was on the observation deck reading the files Garrus and Kaidan had sent her on Dr. T'soni and Matriarch Benezia. Some of it was hard to get through, mired in heavy wording and technical terms about the Protheans. She was actually just drifting to sleep reading a particularly dull paragraph about an excavation in the Hades Gamma cluster when the elevator doors chirped and Kaidan entered the room.
"I thought I might find you here, commander."
Shepard's eyes snapped open and she closed her omni-tool. "Kaidan, hey. Can I help you with something?"
He sat down next to her, with a sizeable space between them. "I was just coming to see how you were handling everything. It's got to be a little overwhelming, everything that happened on Eden Prime, then becoming a Spectre, Anderson being removed from the Normandy…I feel like my head is spinning. I can only imagine how you must feel."
"I appreciate the concern," Shepard said. "But I'm all right, really. I'm eager to get to Therum and see what we can find out. The longer it takes us to find clues on Saren, the longer he has to find this 'conduit' and the less likely it is we'll actually catch him."
"What do you think the conduit is? Captain Anderson said he thought it might be a weapon."
"It's obviously related to bringing back the reapers somehow. So whatever it is, it's bad news."
"I'm sure if we can find Dr. T'soni, she can help us," Kaidan offered.
"Who knows?" Shepard shrugged. "I think her knowledge of the Protheans could certainly be useful. But just because she's Matriarch Benzia's daughter doesn't mean they're even still in contact with one another. I mean, asari live for hundreds of years. And I know plenty of people who don't keep in touch with their family for whatever reason. I'd like to hope she can lead us where we need to go, but I'm not confident."
"I think if you can get a krogan and a turian to have a civil conversation with each other, you can get something useful out of this asari," Kaidan said.
It wasn't that Shepard didn't appreciate the praise in Kaidan's vote of confidence, but half the crew had been telling her similar things since they'd left the citadel, the aliens included. She didn't need constant reassuring, she just needed someone she could vent to. She'd never really had that in her life, not since she'd lost her family. Anderson had been the closest thing, but she couldn't vent to her commanding officer. She knew everyone on the Normandy so well, and at the same time, she felt isolated by her inability to have a deep and nuanced discussion with any of them. She was their commander now, which only made it worse.
"Thanks, Kaidan," was all she said.
"The krogan keeps asking me about my biotics," he told her. "He asked if a krogan could get implants and learn to use biotics. I told him it's a bit more complicated than that," he laughed. "How many krogan do you figure have any eezo in them?"
Shepard contemplated the question. Krogan numbers had dwindled substantially since the genophage had been introduced over a thousand years earlier, but most of the surviving krogan were far spread across the galaxy. It wasn't outside the realm of possibility to think that krogan biotics existed somewhere.
"Even if they did, what krogan would send a precious offspring away to hone the talents? Turians are skeptical of biotics and they're not as bull-headed and bloodthirsty as krogan."
"Good point," Kaidan said. "I've been answering Wrex's questions anyway. He's got a few books on biotics he's been reading. He's very interested in the subject."
"Thanks for being nice to the aliens, Kaidan. I know some of the crew haven't been very friendly. The engineers have been good to Tali, but I think Garrus and Wrex aren't well liked."
"I like them," he told her. "They want to help out, and they're not at all what I expected of their species. I hardly knew anything about quarians, so it's nice to talk with Tali. She knows so much about tech and engineering, it blows me away."
Kaidan was a good-natured guy. It didn't surprise Shpeard that he got along with the aliens. He seemed to get along with anyone, though he was generally reserved and quiet in large crowds. He and Shepard had begun their service on the Normandy at the same time, so he was probably the closest thing she had to a friend on board. Still, he was idealistic sometimes. She imagined that if she really let loose about her problems to him, he'd give her those puppy-dog eyes and think he needed to help fix her. And she couldn't imagine him venting about anything.
"What do you think about all of this, Kaidan?" Shepard probed.
He cocked his head. "You mean us chasing after a rogue Spectre under your command?"
"All of it. Saren, me becoming a Spectre, the aliens on board, the reapers…all of it."
He exhaled slowly. "It's exciting. And scary," he looked at her and hesitated before he spoke again. "The reapers…I trust what you saw, Shepard, but I don't know what it means. And what this conduit has to do with anything or why Saren would want to bring them back if they really did exist. I like working with what I know, so it's hard because this all so new and unknown. If it was anyone else leading the mission, I'd be terrified, but I trust you. So I guess I just have to see what happens."
Another deferment to her capabilities. She sighed and stared out the window into space, passing by in a blur.
"I guess we will."
"Shepard? Are you up here?" A voice sounded from behind them. Shepard turned and saw Garrus coming up the ladder from the med bay. He stepped down onto the floor, his talons tapping against the metal. "Oh, hello Kaidan," he nodded in greeting.
"Hey Garrus, I was actually just leaving," Kaidan stood up and patted Shepard's back. "Good talk, commander. Nice to see you Garrus."
"Don't leave on my account," the turian said, his subharmonics tinny with some meaning Shepard couldn't detect.
"I'm not, I promise. I'll catch you later down in the cargo bay."
The elevator doors shut in front of him as Garrus walked over to where Shepard was sitting. "Sorry, Shepard, but are you and the lieutenant…?"
Shepard raised her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"
"Forget I asked," Garrus shook his head.
"No, please Garrus. What makes you think we're breaking Alliance policy?" Shepard crossed her arms. The turian looked embarrassed, his mandibles flared and rigid.
"He…er…left behind a distinct scent." Garrus coughed uncomfortably. "A pheromone. I've smelled all kinds before…mostly in clubs," he looked at his feet with interest. "Humans release it when they're attracted to another person."
"You can smell that?" Shepard was flabbergasted. She knew turians had a superior sense of smell, something she had learned in her military training (an important reason to avoid perfumes or scented deodorizers), but she didn't realize they could smell things like that. She was too distracted by this new fact to consider the implications of Kaidan releasing 'attraction pheromones'.
"You can too," Garrus said. "Subconsciously. That's how humans become attracted to each other."
"I think it's a bit more complicated than that," Shepard growled.
"Sorry if it was a sore point. I made an assumption. I'll just say I think the lieutenant is interested in you."
"Thank you," she snapped. "Did you have something you wanted?"
Garrus folded his arms over his chest. "Don't shoot the messenger, Shepard. Anyway, I wanted to get your approval to order a spare part for the turret on the mako. It's overheating because the heatsink coil is rusted and has a hairline fracture."
"Sure, I'll approve it. Just send the forms to my message terminal," she agreed.
He continued to stare at her. She looked up at him once more. He was wearing his civilian clothes, which she hadn't really seen him in or noticed at first. The talons of his feet were exposed, and his hood was slimmer than with the armor on. It was so unusual to see a turian out of armor that when she noticed it, it was almost jarring.
"Yes?" she asked.
He sat down next to her. "You're anxious about Therum," he said simply.
"What? Can you smell that too?"
He laughed, "No. I can just tell. You seem tense and exhausted. It makes sense. I'm anxious about it too. I've been reading the notes Kaidan found on Liara. A lot of it's not very interesting, but I'm excited to find her and see how she might help us. It's normal to be anxious. I've fought a lot of battles, but never against the geth. I'm a little worried, to be honest," the words tumbled from his mouth.
She thought back to her conversation with Kaidan and her desire to vent without being reassured or complimented. For some reason, the act of Garrus sitting down and admitting his own anxiety made her feel like she could tell him how she was really feeling. She felt bad if the turian didn't realize that's what was in store for him when he sat down.
"It's terrifying, isn't it? Who knows what we'll find on Therum? I mean, the last time this crew went to investigate Prothean technology, I almost got killed, and Nihlus and Jenkins did get killed. Now we're going to go marching into some Prothean ruins looking for an asari who may or may not want to kill us, because honestly, we have no clue if she's working with her mother," she clenched her fists as more words came pouring out of her mouth, unable to stop the ceaseless flow now that she had opened the flood gates. "And I'm not saying I can't handle responsibility. I've been a commander for a while now. I have a Star of Terra. I mean I've never been afraid of taking charge or doing what needs to be done. But how the hell am I really a Spectre right now?"
She never voiced her own self-doubt…to anyone. It felt cathartic to say it out loud. Ever since the induction ceremony three days earlier, she'd been stewing in it. Sure, she knew she was capable, she was honored by it, she knew her service in the military made her a more than adequate candidate for the role, and all the same she was wracked with the worry that she wouldn't live up to all the hopes humanity had for her. She was representing her entire race now and it felt like such an enormous burden.
"I just…I worry that I'm not good enough," she said softly. "That I'll disappoint everyone. This all happened so quickly. It's like being back on Mindoir watching everything and everyone die around me. I want to do the right thing and I know I can. I want to find Saren. But at the same time, I just feel so…lost."
A prolonged silence followed her rant. She waited for the same response she always got. 'How could you doubt yourself, Shepard? You survived Batarian slavers! You're the hero of Elysium! You brought a turian and a krogan and a quarian together on an Alliance ship! You're the first human Spectre! How can you think a simple task like finding an asari on some Alliance mining planet is beyond your talents?'
The flattering platitudes never came.
All Garrus said was, "I can only imagine how you must feel, Shepard."
She leaned back and stared at him. He was staring out the window, his feet propped up on a chair in front of him and his hands behind his head. She followed his example and propped her feet up next to his. Maybe she finally had someone she could vent to who would offer her no constant reassurances, just an understanding ear. And it was a turian, of all people.
A/N: Thanks again for all the follows. I've written ahead quite far so regular updates will follow!