There was nothing that Shepard wanted more in the entire galaxy than to sleep for the next ten days. Unfortunately, that was not an option. She knew an immediate debrief was necessary, and with the newfound knowledge of Sovereign's true identity, she didn't want to give Saren any more of a head start than he already had on them.
She paced the comm room as her squad slowly filed in. Did she look as rough as they did? All of them could have probably benefited from some medical attention and a good scrub down. They were tired, bloody, and worn down as they took their seats around the comm room. The seat next to Kaidan was noticeably empty.
"Shepard, if you want to wait, it's okay," Kaidan told her.
"No. We don't have time to wait," she insisted. "First, we need to address the biggest issue. We lost a good soldier out there today. It wasn't a decision that was made lightly." Shepard would have liked to cry about it, but she didn't want to do so in front of her squad, and as it was she was simply too exhausted for tears. She stared at Ash's empty chair, her heart heavy at the loss of such a skilled and valuable team member...at the loss of her friend. "I want you all to remember Ash in the coming fights. Honor her memory. Make sure she didn't die in vain."
"Shepard, I feel responsible…" Kaidan began.
"This is Saren's fault," she interrupted him. "Don't you ever blame yourself. Now, the other thing I wanted to address is the beacon. Liara, if you're up to it, I think we should join minds again. I want you to make sense of what I saw on Virmire."
Liara nodded. "It's an excellent idea, Shepard. Are you sure that you have the energy?"
"She doesn't," Garrus protested.
"It can't wait," Shepard told him. "I'll be fine. We need to sort this information out immediately."
Garrus was clearly unhappy with this response, but didn't challenge Shepard further on it. Liara rose to her feet and met Shepard in the center of the room, pressing their foreheads together.
The visions from the beacon flashed by in succession, none of it making any sense to Shepard still, despite the Cipher and the additional information she'd received. She hated seeing the images. There was so much pain and destruction in them; they just sapped the life out of her.
The joining ended and Shepard was abruptly forced back into reality, her heart pounding. Liara looked dazed, and slowly sat back down, clutching her head. Shepard had to sit as well; the process had made her weak.
"Did you understand any of it?"
"Yes," Liara nodded. "The beacon seems to be a sort of distress call, sent out across the Prothean empire to warn others of the reapers. The warning clearly came too late…"
"Anything about the conduit?" Shepard asked.
"There were places I recognized. The images flashed so fast, but…Ilos…I definitely saw Ilos and…I believe the Conduit is on Ilos! That would make sense, considering the information from my mother's OSD. Ilos can only be accessed through the Mu Relay. No one living has ever been there, since the relay was lost millennia ago," Liara explained.
"The coordinates on that OSD are in the Terminus systems," Garrus warned. "They won't take kindly to an Alliance ship in their territory."
"I don't see any other options," Shepard sighed. "But I'll contact the Council and see what they have to say about all this. If any of you…need to talk about Ash…let me know. Otherwise, I need to call the Council and file my report and…"
"Shepard, you should rest," Garrus said softly.
"Not to agree with the turian," Wrex grumbled. "But he's right."
"Later." She didn't have time to rest. "Dismissed."
The squad filed out of the room, Garrus leaving somewhat reluctantly. Kaidan hung back, however.
"I know there's a lot to discuss, but I really need to deal with this report to the Council," Shepard told him, feeling cruel attempting to dismiss him after such a devastating loss for the team.
"Shepard, I have to ask." He paused for a moment, staring sadly down at his feet. "Why me? Why did you come back for me and not save Ash? I just…I'm happy to be alive, but I feel so guilty."
She sighed and took a step closer to him, resting her hand on his shoulder. "Kaidan, it wasn't an easy choice. I had to go with my gut reaction. And my gut said to save you. You're a good friend. I wish I never had to make that choice, but I did. Don't dwell on it or blame yourself. Saren is the reason for all of this."
He smiled, if only for a moment. "Thanks, Shepard."
When he left, Shepard sat for a moment with her head buried in her hands. She was so exhausted. She just wanted to wash away the grime and the pain and lie down in her bed for an eternity. There was still more to do though, and she wouldn't let herself rest until it was done.
"Joker, patch in the Council." She said.
"Aye aye, commander."
She stood up and turned around to face the hologram display at the front of the room. Slowly, the three councilors came into view, flickering slightly due to the poor connection.
"Commander, what news from Virmire?" The turian councilor, Sparatus asked.
"We picked up Kirrahe's men and destroyed Saren's base of operations. He was attempting to breed an army of krogan. We stopped that from happening. Unfortunately, we lost one of our crew in the explosion."
"We're sorry for your loss, commander," Council Tevos said. "But it is a relief to hear you've foiled Saren's plans. He's dangerous enough without an army of krogan at his disposal."
"Krogan are the least of our concerns right now," Shepard explained. "We ran into Saren on Virmire, but he escaped. He's been indoctrinated by a Reaper. We saw evidence of it at the base. It acts as his ship, but…"
"Commander, Saren is surely toying with you," the turian councilor interrupted. "He knows about the vision you spoke of from Eden Prime. He's using that to distract you from his real purpose."
"How many times do I have to tell you people the truth before you believe me? I warned you about Saren before and look at the mess we're in now!" Shepard had to take a few deep breaths to control her anger. Her frayed nerves were not helping manners.
"We need to focus on Saren and his army of geth right now," Councilor Valern said. "We will discuss the provision of reinforcements for tracking him down, now that we've seen what he's capable of."
Reinforcements were something, at least, Shepard thought. She could use those in the potential fight against Sovereign.
"Saren's headed to Ilos, he…"
Councilor Sparatus cut her off. "We'd like the Normandy to return to the Citadel. We'll discuss the matter with Udina and then we can possibly send you off with reinforcements." He didn't even address her comment about Ilos. "How quickly can you return?"
Returning to the Citadel meant going almost two weeks out of their way, through several relay jumps. That could give Saren too large of a head start to the Conduit. Then again, reinforcements could be necessary, and there was no saying what Saren's, or rather Sovereign's, immediate next plans were; it could take time to recover from their losses on Virmire.
Shepard sighed, resigning herself to returning to negotiate reinforcements with Udina and the Council. "I can be there in twelve days, maybe," she said. "We'll go as fast as we can."
"Very good, commander. Don't hesitate to contact us should more information on Saren arise."
The communication was severed. She wasn't ecstatic about this plan, but it was the best immediate option. She stopped in with Joker and Pressly to pass on the news and have them set a route for the Citadel, then made her way slowly down to her cabin.
She set the water running in her private shower and began the slow process of removing her armor and peeling off her blood-soaked, dirt-stained clothing. She tossed everything in a pile by the end of her bed and stepped into the shower, letting the scalding hot water burn her skin until it was tinged pink. It felt good to wash the grime away, pushing the heat of the water until she could only barely stand it. She scrubbed at the blood caked on her body, running her hands gently over her numerous new wounds.
For nearly an hour, she stood beneath the water, numb to the world, a thousand thoughts racing through her mind. When she emerged, she dried off, pulled on her civilian clothes, and lay down on the bed. She thought that she would surely be too tired to stay awake for even a moment, but as she rested her head on the pillow, the weight of the day hit her like a brick. Suddenly, unwillingly, tears burst into her eyes. A painful sob racked her chest, then another, and another until she couldn't hold them back. She kept crying, louder and louder, the force of it shaking her body, unable to halt the deluge of tears pouring down her face.
As she lay there, shaking uncontrollably, snot and tears dripping down her face, there was a knock on her cabin door. She tried to stop herself from crying, to answer with composure that she would rather be left alone, but all that came out were her sobs.
"Shepard?" Garrus' voice sounded on the other side of the door.
When she didn't answer, he let himself in, opening the door without her approval.
"Shepard are you oka…" His words trailed off at the sight of her.
Shepard had never cried in front of her crew before. Not like this. Certainly, her eyes had welled up when Liara's mother had died, but for the most part, she tried to keep that part of herself private. She had to be strong for her crew, and that meant addressing their emotions while suppressing her own until she could be alone to deal with it.
She couldn't stop herself now, though. She wiped her nose unattractively on the back of her arm and sniffled, trying to suppress her sobs. This only made it worse.
"I'm…sorry…" she said through her tears.
Garrus shook his head and moved wordlessly to her side. Sitting on the bed, he lifted her up gently and drew her against his chest. She clasped onto him, no longer worried about the implications of crying in front of a crew member. This wasn't a subordinate, it was Garrus, the only person she trusted enough to continue crying like she was.
She pressed her face against his shoulder and he rubbed her back soothingly.
"It's okay, Shepard." He said softly. "You're allowed to have feelings."
"I couldn't save her," Shepard sobbed. "She's dead. I couldn't save her. She has sisters, a family…I should have done more…I could have…I should have…"
Garrus brushed his fingers through her hair. "If you had saved her, you'd be in here crying about Kaidan instead."
She knew he was right, but it didn't take away the guilt. For all she had said to Kaidan about placing the blame on Saren, she couldn't seem to do so herself.
The warmth of Garrus' body, and the soothing way he held her and spoke to her, helped to calm her down. Gradually, she caught her breath and the sobs came to a halt. Tears still trickled down her cheek, but he brought a delicate finger to brush them away. She wouldn't say it out loud, but she was glad that he had been worried about her; it gave her some small comfort in all of the pain she felt surrounded with.
When she had stopped crying, he let the silence pass. There didn't seem to be a need for words.
Her tears spent, Shepard realized just how exhausted she was. Her eyes fluttered shut, her head resting in the crook between Garrus' neck and the edge of his cowl. She let herself fall asleep, the stress and concerns of her command a million miles away, for once.
Garrus didn't recall falling asleep, but he must have, because he awoke some time during the middle of the Normandy's night shift, his head resting against Shepard's. She slept soundly, one hand resting on his shoulder, her breath puffing gently against his neck. He could have stayed there with her like that for an eternity; he hadn't felt as relaxed and secure since he'd joined the Normandy's crew.
He knew he couldn't stay, though. If he fell asleep again, he might not wake until morning, when the crew would be out and about in the main quarters in abundance. He could only imagine what they would think if they saw him leaving the commander's cabin, and what they might say about Shepard.
Moving slowly and carefully, not wanting to disturb her sleep, he placed Shepard onto the bed and sidled out from under her. She was so exhausted, that she didn't even stir at the movement. Relieved, he stepped quietly out of the cabin and made his way down to the cargo bay.
The salarians that had survived with captain Kirrahe had been set up on cots in the corner just to the right of the elevator, a sight Garrus would have to get used to until they made it the Citadel. He tried to be mindful of the noise he was making as he passed them, not wanting to wake them; they had put in their fair share of work on Virmire, they deserved the rest as much as Shepard's team did.
Wrex was still awake, leaning against the wheel of the mako. Garrus followed his gaze to Ash's weapon maintenance station and a little pang of sadness hit him. It didn't feel real that they had lost her. She had been the most difficult of the squad to get along with at first, but she was a good soldier, and he realized as he quietly sat down next to Wrex, that he would miss her now that she was gone.
"Where have you been, Vakarian?" Wrex asked gruffly.
"Couldn't sleep."
"Giving Shepard a little 'turian comfort'?" The krogan asked, raising his brow line.
"Is that the only thing you ever think about?" Garrus sighed, exasperated.
"No, but I've also seen the way you two interact. Everyone else on this ship might be blind, but I'm not. It's fine if you've got the hots for the commander," he shrugged. "Humans don't really interest me, but I guess I get it. She's a little rougher around the edges than most of them."
"We're just friends, Wrex," Garrus insisted.
"Mhm," the krogan sounded skeptical.
"What are you still doing up, anyway?" Garrus asked, eager to change the subject.
"Thinking about Virmire. Ash was a pain in the ass, but she didn't take any shit. I liked that. I think I might even miss her now that she's gone," Wrex paused for a moment before he continued, "I still wonder if the bomb was the right decision. My people might have been saved…"
"Your people would have been slaves again," Garrus said. "You made the right choice in following Shepard. The krogan salvation shouldn't rest in the hands of someone like Saren. You'd never see true freedom from the shackles the turians and salarians gave you."
Wrex looked at him and nodded. "You know, Garrus, you're all right, for a turian."
Garrus laughed. "You're all right, for a krogan."
A groan issued from the nearby cots, where Tali lay sleeping. She sat up and shuffled over to them, carrying her scratchy military blanket with her. She plopped down between them and bundled up in the blanket.
"If you're going to keep talking, I guess I'm not getting any sleep," she yawned.
"Sorry. We didn't mean to keep you up."
"It's fine," she waved her hand dismissively. "I was having bad dreams anyway. I guess everyone is probably thinking about what happened on Virmire. War is such hell. We lose so much to it. For what? The next time we see Saren, I've got a bullet with his name on it."
Garrus had never heard such malice from her, but he understood where it was coming from. All of them had a new vested interest in stopping Saren, whatever it might take.
"Get in line," Wrex growled. "Shepard's going to wring his neck when she sees him. I can't wait to watch that."
"I hope she's getting some rest," Tali said. "I don't know how she kept going with everything on Virmire. She runs herself ragged."
"That's what good commanders do," Garrus said. "She'd fit in well with the turians."
"But would a turian fit well in her?" Wrex laughed.
"Really, Wrex?"
"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist."
"What?" Tali cocked her head.
"You haven't noticed Vakarian making gaga eyes at Shepard anytime she does anything?"
Tali let out an involuntary giggle. "Garrus, are you and Shepard…?"
"What? No! Wrex is just being crude."
"Now that you mention it," Tali thought aloud, "They do spend all their free time together. How many times have I gone up to the observation deck when I couldn't sleep, or needed a sign off from Shepard, and you two are always together?"
Garrus shrugged. "Shepard and I just…get each other. That's all. When we can't sleep, we talk to each other."
Tali turned to Wrex. "This is something to keep an eye on." The krogan nodded in agreement.
"You two can believe whatever you want. There are more important things to focus on," Garrus said.
Even as he said it, he thought back to two nights earlier when he'd been alone with Shepard on the observation deck: the warm, earthy smell of her pheromones; the electricity between them; their lips so close to touching. He'd been pushing back thoughts about that night during the mission, but with time to rest, and Wrex and Tali's prodding, the thoughts came flooding back. He had never felt like that around a human before, never even thought of humans as anything other than awkward, soft-bodied, sexless things. Did Shepard feel the same way about turians?
A comment from Tali about the mako pulled Garrus back out of his thoughts. There was no sense in dwelling on it, he decided. Saren was still at large and they had to rally the Council behind their cause. He wasn't a child anymore; confusion about his feelings could wait.