The click of the rails as the train sped towards London drew Carson deeper into his own head. He spared a thought for his rudeness to his fellow travelers, but he couldn't be bothered to speak of inane things when his life had been ripped from him. So he had sequestered himself in a corner far from the other passengers with his hat pulled low over his eyes. Most had taken the hint and left him alone, but for one man who had tried to engage him in conversation. The man had finally given up when Carson failed to give more than monosyllabic replies.
After His Lordship had banished him from the Abbey, Carson had packed his things in haste and left for the village. It had been so late by the time he had walked into Downton Village that he had had to awaken the landlord of the Grantham Arms for a room to stay the night. Carson had tried his best to concoct a lie to cover his sudden arrival, but he was sure that Mr. Lawson hadn't believed a word of it. He had paid double for the room and stayed the night in the dingy pub.
Unable to sleep, Carson had paced the room til morning when he left (waking the already irate Mr. Lawson) to catch the early train to London. Throughout the night, Carson had only been able to think of the gossip his sudden departure from the Abbey would cause. He hadn't wanted to face the Village busybodies and thought that leaving York altogether would be the better course of action.
Carson had not expected leaving Downton Abbey again could be worse than the first time, but it was. He had not felt so low since Lord Grantham had first found out about his and Lady Grantham's affair when Mary was five-years-old. His Lordship had sent him away then, too. His lack of reference had forced him to find work where he could until he had ended up in the dance halls. He had thought the job as humiliating then as he did now, but he had been starving. A man will do almost anything if he is starving.
Luckily for Carson, Lady Grantham had prevailed upon His Lordship's goodwill to hire him back as under butler to old Mr. Finch. Carson would be forever grateful to Her Ladyship for saving him from the halls. Carson had agreed to Lord Grantham's every condition about his return without question. He had kept every one of those conditions until last night.
Carson felt his chest tighten remembering the look on Lady Mary's face when he had told her that she was his natural daughter. He had always been content with their relationships as butler and daughter of the house. They had been close, closer than he was with either Lady Edith or Lady Sybil, and he had flattered himself that Lady Mary had looked to him as a second father. That dream had been shattered last night.
He clenched his fists and let his guilt rush through him. How he hated himself for those few afternoons spent in Lady Grantham's bed. He had been Lord Grantham's valet then and the betrayal of his master had gnawed at his insides until he had been the one to end the affair, but not before Her Ladyship was already with child. She had then taken Lord Grantham to bed for the first time since the beginning of their marriage. Carson could still feel the nerves he felt whenever he had been in His Lordship's presence until the baby was born. Both men had fallen instantly in love with the girl. He smiled wistfully at the memory.
The train jolted to a stop. Carson looked up finally to see that they were already in London. He exited the train with the others and made his way out of the station. He stood still for a moment weighing his options. He had more connections now than when he had been a valet and he had a reputation as an outstanding butler. Even without a reference he should be able to find a job in a smaller house and he would need to find a job soon. His savings wouldn't keep him up for long.
Carson picked up his bags and began to walk down the street until he realized he had been walking towards Grantham House. He stared longingly down the road and then turned on his heel to walk the other direction. There was no need to remind himself of what he had lost.
A/N I hope this chapter answered some questions some guest reviewers have had. Thanks for reading!