Five (Other) Times Cam Lost His Pants

Captured

Cam awoke to an all-too-familiar pain in the head. Who the hell had zatted him this time? Opening his eyes carefully, he took in his surroundings. Oh great, another jail cell, he thought dispiritedly. But where was the rest of his team? He wracked his brain for a moment before it hit him. He'd been on a solo mission, a mission he'd convinced Landry and the rest of SG-1 that he could handle. He was never going to hear the end of this. Groaning in annoyance, he remained on the cold floor, not even moving when he heard P-90 fire. Looked like the cavalry was here and Cam idly wondered what the odds were that it was SG-3 or any other team besides his own. His question was answered a few moments later when a deep voice resonated from the corridor.

"Colonel Mitchell, are you injured?"

"Naw, T, I'm fine. Just loungin' about, waitin' for my rescue."

"Well, here we are-Oh, my," came Vala's voice as she broke into laughter.

"What's so funny?" he asked, sitting up.

"Um, Cam, have you by any chance...looked at yourself?" This from Sam who was obviously holding in her own laughter.

Cam shook his head then let his eyes drift to Daniel, who wore a smirk, before finally following their line of sight.

"Aw, hell no."

The rest of the team joined in Vala's laughter as Cam fell backward once again, wondering why he was always losing his pants.

Strip Poker

"C'mon, Cameron, rules are rules." Vala said sweetly. Too sweetly.

"Isn't there something else?" he pleaded. "Anything else?"

"Now, Cameron, you don't want to break the rules, do you? Aren't you always telling me that the rules are there for a reason and we should always follow them, lest there be anarchy?"

"That's Jackson!" he refuted petulantly.

"She's right, Mitchell." Daniel smirked.

"Whose side are you on, anyway?" Cam asked but the other man simply shrugged.

"Cam, they're both right." Sam chimed in, a smirk of her own lighting her face. "You're the one who taught her this game. What did you think was going to happen?"

"Not that my entire team would turn against me! C'mon, guys, have a little sympathy."

"If you did not wish to play by the rules, Colonel Mithell, you should not have imparted them to Vala Mal Doran. Nor should you have lost."

"Thanks a lot, big guy." Cam grumbled as he stood.

"Need some help?" Vala asked when he just stood there. The predatory look in her eyes spurred him into action.

"Naw, I'm good. Just give me a second."

Vala pouted, looking disappointed, but didn't utter another word as Cam disengaged his belt buckle. He pulled it from his waistband and was shocked to see not only Vala, but Sam watching him with rapt attention while Jackson and Teal'c laughed at his predicament. Some friends he had.

"Oh, Cameron, you are awfully slow. Are you quite certain you don't want help?"

"No!" The last thing he needed was Vala's hands all over him. Setting aside the belt, he slowly began to remove his jeans, careful not to pull down the last stitch of clothing he wore with them. A man had to preserve some dignity, didn't he? Folding the pants and setting them aside with the rest of his clothing, he glared at Vala. "There, happy now?"

"Oh, quite. Samantha?"

"Can't say I'm disappointed." Sam grinned.

The women ogled, ogled, him for a few moments but Cam resisted the urge to cross his arms over his chest. His naked chest. "Are you ladies finished with your perusal?"

"Just about, darling." Vala grinned toothily and allowed her eyes to rake over his body one last time. "All right, I'm good. Now, be a good boy and sit down. You are much too much of a distraction and I don't wish to lose."

"Deal me out." he told her as he started to turn and walk away.

"But you still have clothing on, Cameron." The alien's eyes went to his boxer briefs with another leer.

"Aw, hell no! I'm done. Have your fun with Jackson and Teal'c." Cam quickly walked away.

"It's not the same thing." he heard Vala whine but chose to ignore her. He really had to stop losing his pants around these people.

Off-World Shenanigans

"Samantha, I'm bored." Vala whined. They'd been stuck on this bloody planet for three days with nothing to do but wait for their rescue. Vala felt like she was going to lose it.

"Why don't you help Daniel in the temple?" At Vala's scrunched up nose, Sam laughed and tried a different tack. "You could always take a dip in the lake with Cam and Teal'c."

Vala glanced over toward the lake and smiled. What person wouldn't appreciate the sight of those two, fine specimens, bare-chested and glistening with water? A shiver raced up her spine as she tore her gaze away and she shrugged when she saw the knowing look in Samantha's eyes. "And get my hair wet? I don't think so."

"What would you like to do, then?"

"I don't know." Vala pouted for a moment when an idea struck her. "I've got it! Let's play a prank on Cameron. I owe him for what he did to me on P58-2X7." Vala glared at Sam when the other woman let out an amused snort. Cameron had replaced Vala's supply of fashion magazines with car and motorcycle ones. He had to pay. "Are you going to help or what?"

"Fine." Sam said exasperatedly. She was bored, too. Not to mention, she'd been the one who'd had to listen to Vala grip about Cam's last joke. He deserved whatever punishment Vala deemed fit.

After formulating a plan, Sam and Vala made their way toward the lake. Cam's eyes nearly bugged out when Vala pulled her tank top off to reveal the tiny bikini she wore and Sam laughed. When she was certain his attention was fully on the sun-bathing brunette, Sam sneaked over to where the boys had stored their clothing. Grabbing Cam's pile, she took a moment to admire Vala's technique as she completely distracted the men. Even Teal'c was enthralled by his fellow alien's presence. Typical males, no matter what species, she thought. With a shake of her head, she scurried off with her prize in hand and hid the clothing in the last place Cam would look, Teal'c's pack, then went back to the lake.

"Who's hungry?" she called and snorted when the men immediately looked her way. Yup, typical males. Vala rolled her eyes as the boys abandoned her for sustenance and Sam could only shrug. Vala joined her at the camp-fire and they watched on as the boys went to gather their things.

"Aw, c'mon!" came Cam's aggrieved voice and the women couldn't help laughing. Revenge was sweet.

Alien Tech

"What's this?" Cam asked as he picked up a weird, oblong device sitting on Sam's table.

"Not sure." Sam answered, wishing he would put it down. "I don't recognise the language and neither does Daniel. I'm waiting for Vala, maybe she knows."

"You haven't even tested it out?" He turned the device over in his hands.

"No, I prefer to wait." She made a grab for it when Cam accidentally pressed a button and a red light filled the room. When it died down, Sam had to blink rapidly to see past the spots in her vision. What she saw made her gape but, before she could say a word, an accented voice broke in.

"Well, here I am. Let me see what you have for-" Vala broke off as she took in the scene. "Well, it seems you've run across a Telick disintegration device."

"A what?" Cam asked, still blinking.

"A Telick disintegration device. It disintegrates things."

'How do you know that? You've barely looked at the thing."

"Look down, Cameron." Vala said with a wink.

Cam did as told, groaning in despair. "Aw, c'mon! That just ain't right!"

Vala and Sam merely grinned as they ogled the bare legs of their CO. They just loved his propensity to lose his pants.

Morning After

The first thought Cam had upon waking was, what the hell hit him? The second thing that struck him was how warm and cosy he was. Cracking open one eye, he regretted the move instantly and slammed it shut. What the hell happened? Had he been captured again? Naw, that couldn't be it. Last thing he remembered was...Sam and Jack's anniversary party. There had been beer. Lots of beer. And whiskey. Had there been Jell-O shots? He couldn't remember exactly but that sure explained the raging headache he was sporting. Why was he so warm, though? It took him a few moments, but Cam finally worked up the nerve to open his eyes again. When he did, he discovered a mess of dark hair splayed across his bare chest. Taking a deep breath, he pulled back the ebony tresses, not sure he wanted his suspicions confirmed. His head fell backward with a groan as he took in the face he'd revealed. Okay, so he was in bed with Vala. That didn't necessarily mean anything happened, right? Only one way to find out. Cam carefully pulled back the covers to reveal his worst nightmare and dream come true all rolled into one very appealing picture. A smooth, ivory-skinned leg was draped over his and there was no clothing to be seen. Not one stitch. How the hell had this happened? Not that he was complaining, exactly. He'd been fantasising about this from the moment she stepped through the 'gate in that...mind-blowing leather outfit. He just never believed he had a chance. Ignoring how she tightened her grip on him as he moved, he forced himself to focus on just how they'd ended up here.

He'd been on his third beer, she on her sixth or seventh, and both were a little buzzed. Jackson was passed out somewhere and Teal'c had decided to rake refuge outside. He remembered someone (Sam?) introducing Jell-O shots. Sam and Jack started dancing and he'd invited Vala to do the same. They'd held each other close in the dim light and swayed to the smooth jazz emanating from the radio. Somewhere along the way, the other couple had disappeared, leaving them alone. The music stopped and they'd stared into each other's eyes and...Aw, hell. He'd kissed her. And she'd responded. After that, everything was a bit of a blur but he did remember making their way to the guest bedroom. He could pretty much guess what happened next even if he wasn't being bombarded with graphic images of skin on skin. He couldn't say he regretted any of it, though he would have preferred different circumstances. He only hoped she felt the same.

"Cameron," came the wonderfully husky voice.

"Yeah?" He braced himself, unconsciously tightening his own grip on her.

"Darling, stop thinking and go back to sleep."

"Vala, we have to talk."

"Later, darling."

"But-"

"Cameron," Vala said firmly as she kissed his chin. "I love you, but I'm exhausted and it's all your fault. Now, please let me get my beauty sleep. This gorgeous face takes work, you know."

Before he could respond, she lay her head back on his chest and was soon asleep again. She loved him? The smile that broke out on his face was one full of happiness. "I love you, too, Vala." Cam said and kissed her hair before allowing sleep to take him. This was one time he was happy to lose his pants.

The End