Memories made life good. They made everything simple, two dimensional and separate. Sometimes, when they became too vivid, it was harder to push them back in the well worn box. Sometimes, the sweet ones leaked out before she could stop them.
This was one of those times.
Natsumi had thrown herself against Mamoru again as they exited the stage. For his part, she could tell he felt intensely uncomfortable, but not so much as to be impolite. That had happened a few weeks earlier, when they'd gone to the VR arena. It was a moment that would live in Usagi's brain until the end of days, when her unknowing sweetheart had politely, and firmly, told the foreign redhead that he held no interest.
It also highlighted his utter refusal of all pushy women. It made Usagi wonder if maybe she'd also ended up in that category. The past few weeks had been nothing but soul-numbing stress to think that maybe her desire to be around him had been too intense. Maybe she'd been too hopeful.
After all, Chiba Mamoru was the soul of quiet courtesy. He was always prompt and efficient, kind (as long as it wasn't to her, she added bitterly) and helpful. Their days bickering in the arcade had been spent on her end so angry and frustrated that she'd barely had time to consider what her feelings were. Right up until the very end, she'd been confused by him, by his ability to garner respect and admiration no matter where he went.
Then, it all blew up. It was one thing to stand in front of him as a stupid little kid, it was another entirely to know the guy you weren't quite ready to admit a crush on yet was the crown prince of earth. As if being a super delicious, tall-dark-and-handsome upperclassman with a killer smile and clever wit that went on for days wasn't somehow bad enough. The idea still had her a bit intimidated.
She was starting to think it was a bit of a hopeless cause. Even in the arena, when she should have glistened with her Youma defeating skills, it had been nothing short of a complete disaster, crowned with even Sailor Moon's failure to defeat the threat. He was less than impressed –as he should have been. The fight had him front and center against a Cardion, and even without the use of his powers, Mamoru had reacted with courage and bravery, the kind of thing that made poor, hapless maidens hearts go into convulsions. She was no different.
It wasn't fair! She didn't even have a chance to figure out how she felt about it all before he'd been brainwashed and then killed and then resurrected without any memories... Even crying over him, even sad that her arch nemesis was gone, there was no telling how Usagi felt about the whole situation. There had only been that vague sense that he should be with her, that the presence of him in her life had made her so blissfully, ridiculously happy…
And now, now that she was beginning to see him for all that he was, and it was doing horrible things to her. It was one thing to notice that polite exterior he showed the world. It was another thing entirely to stalk the poor man and see a few of his quirky little haunts. What college guy has a secret hideout for kittens in a rundown old house? What kind of person gets pummeled on a daily basis by girls frothing at the mouth for him, but he just answered with distant smile?
And why couldn't he act like that to her?
Every time, it seemed, that they met it was all he could do to say something short of completely and utterly rude. Not that he was cruel, no their fights were intense but not scathing. It just seemed so terribly sad that the one man who should have fit into her life perfectly had nothing kind to say about her. Everyone else got the sweet prince, and she got the dregs left over..
It's not like the she even knew...
No, she couldn't deny it. What she felt in her heart every time he showed his face was undeniable anymore. And it hurt. A year ago, she'd spent her nights dreaming of a distant prince through the fog. Now, every day she saw him was a painful, harsh reminder that Mamoru wasn't her Endymion; he felt nothing for her other than possibly contempt or amusement at best.
It would be so much better to go back to dreaming and pretend that happily ever after was just around the corner. He was too real, too flawed, too beautiful to think he could have been hers in another life. That level of sweet perfection shouldn't be stuck with the likes of her, but it didn't change the fact that she really, really wanted him to. Even if he called her Odango every day for the rest of their miserable lives, it would be better than the way things were right now.
Everytime he cracked a joke about her hair or clothes, all it did was drive that wedge deeper. And every time Natsumi threw herself at him, even with minimal luck, it dug the trench wider. It made her wish, oh so much, that she could go back to dreaming.
One sweet memory leaking free of the box; had them standing beneath a huge oak tree, with his arms tights around her waist. The wind brought a soft, loamy scent and the sun was beginning to dip behind them. There was no armor, just the feel of his soft shirt beneath her face and hands, the gentle lull of fingers in her hair and across her back.
It wouldn't go back in the box. Even the sensation of his voice rumbling through flesh and bone, the softness in those incredible eyes as she looked up at him so long ago had her insides squirming though they had no right. He wasn't really hers. He wasn't really the dark prince that haunted her thoughts and soul like a specter.
He was just Chiba Mamoru, with a girl at his arm, and he was striding away from her.
"Oi! Usagi-Chan!" Makoto called, blessedly shattering that link to the past. The blond turned, somewhat forlornly to see her tall, intimidating friend dressed in purple fur and flushing. "Don't let that slut get you down, ne?"
A crippled laugh broke free, a pale hand rose to wipe at her damp cheeks before the others could see.
Yes, memories are so much better, because at least then there's nothing but regret to wake up to.
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Sooo, what's your favorite episode of the Crystal arc? I'm totally rewatching episode 7- Chiba Mamoru, Tuxedo Mask. I love how sweet he is in the manga! Oh my goodness, I just fangirl over that man!
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