Smaug rocked back on his heels from the smack, the shouting, and Bilbo was still huffing and breathless. The dragon was curious, concerned, but the rage came forward first like a wave of nausea. He could feel the fire squeezing up his throat, intense, but he was determined to keep this to words.

A charred hobbit was not a good, breakfast making hobbit.

"You pest!" he snarled, hands clenching in his shirt again. Bilbo didn't look concerned, not yet, and he was just furious at the idea that they were coming to blows like this. The dragon lifted him up like a rag doll, shaking him, and Bilbo let out his first cry of shock as his head snapped back and forth. It made Smaug sneer, furious, and he hissed as he shook him again more forcefully. "You presume to hit me! Me! I am fire and death, and you will pay for this insolence!"

"Then do it!" Bilbo snapped, throat so tight that the challenge hurt to say. "Do it and be done with it! If you wanted to, you could have done it in the first place like you did with Erebor! Braise me and take my precious Bag End! But you're just being ridiculous- you've done nothing but parade around here like a cock in a hen house ever since you came, and you'll do it no longer! This is-"

Choking as Smaug shook him again, his stomach clenching, Bilbo felt his insides squirm as fear shifted them aside and his guest's nostrils spewed brimstone smoke.

"You have no right to threaten me!" Smaug snarled, seething. "All I had was taken from me!"

"And you are taking everything from me!" Bilbo blurted, half breathless as Smaug halted his shaking. "My home, my family, my friendships- everything!" He huffed, and he stared at him with watery eyes. "You'll just roast me… burn it all. You're a calamity." Smaug, growling, pulled him close enough to feel that grumble rolling through his little bones as Bilbo kicked weakly for freedom.

I am the great dragon of the North-" "You are a man now!" Bilbo snapped, hanging from his shirtfront precariously. "You were a dragon, but you're just a man! Unless you can transform into your former self and rain fire and hell down upon us all, you will have to deal with that!" Bilbo didn't expect to be dropped.

Gasping, hitting his floor with a loud cry, Bilbo's eyes rolled up to his draconian guest to see something almost more terrifying.

Fear.
A frightened, wounded animal could be so much more vicious than any other.

"I will not perish in this infernal shape, not like this!' Smaug growled, his jaw clenching tightly as he threw up his arms and tried his best to fill the room. He succeeded in such a small smial and his small parlor, but Bilbo was surprisingly unimpressed. "This form is but a temporary solution! When my fire returns, I shall shed this shell and reclaim my mountain from those skulking dwarfish dogs!"

Bilbo, breathless, wiped at his face hurriedly to hide his teary eyes. "But how long will that take? How many years of all this will you endure before you just decide you're quite done with all this garbage?" Pushing his luck, Bilbo got to his feet and he only wobbled just a little.

"..." Staring up at Smaug, watching the feelings smear back and forth across his face, Bilbo almost felt bad.

"Exactly," he said, feeling his guts were all made of cotton. "exactly. Now, you can stop bringing hellfire and soot down on me, and start to settle the Shire down1'

Bilbo could have sworn that he was going to be burnt to cinders for speaking out so brazenly, for giving Smaug the final piece of his mind, but his guest just let his hunched shoulders drop.

"Hmph." he murmured, tense, and Bilbo watched him disappear back down into the deeper smials. Bilbo needed a deep breath, especially considering the circumstances, and he half considered a good cry. He picked himself up carefully, sitting down at his kitchen table like he was made of glass, and Bilbo was just glad to dig into the blueberry pie that was left. A nice pipe full of Old Toby and a dish of pie was just what he needed to put the argument behind him.

When he returned to the main room, expecting the nest to be fully occupied, Bilbo was stunned to see it bare. He wasn't eager for another confrontation, for perhaps his final moments, but he needed to come back into his home without creeping about at some point. However, seeing no new sign of Smaug just yet, Bilbo chewed on the inside of his cheek and he had to set his pipe down on the mantle to begin his search.

"Smaug?' He called, confused. Wandering down the main hall, peering into the rooms on either side, Bilbo's eyebrows rose into his bangs as each peek into a new room made him twist his face and wiggle his nose. He grumbled under his breath. "Where in Middle Earth is that scaly beast?"

Bilbo wandered out of his parlor and into the east hall, looking confused for a moment as he made his way through his own atrium, but he did his best to relax. He could manage it, eventually, and he took a few deep breaths as he peeked into his study tentatively. He wouldn't put it past he great beast to take his bedroom hostage, though he found it empty as well, and Bilbo just glanced down the west hall curiously before he wandered over to his rarely used guest room.

"Is there more, or do you simply seek to burden me with your company?" Came the low, disgusted voice from behind the door. He had only just touched the handle and this venom came forward, making Bilbo tense for a moment before he reassured himself long enough to push it open. There the hulking figure was, having taken over his guest bed and curled himself up in the little room. With the one window and a delightful fireplace, Smaug was set to have a nice warm hole to hide in, and he glowered at Bilbo for a moment before he laid back down. "Ah, a burden. I see."

Bilbo, making a sour face at the attempt at a cold shoulder, set his hands on his hips and he could hardly believe he was standing here. He had wanted an end to his pestering and his griping since he'd arrived, and he was trying to what… talk him out of holing up in the farthest bedroom to lick his wounds?

He must have been sicker than he thought.

"Are you honestly going to hide in here because I was coarse with you?" Bilbo asked suddenly, surprised by his own pluckiness. He was beginning to regret getting out of bed, his aches returning, and he didn't doubt he would he getting into bed very soon. "I didn't say anything you shouldn't have not heard. They're things you should have thought of before you tracked me down, of all people." Trotting into his guest room, seeing Smaug scowl and shuffle in his blanket nest, Bilbo clicked his tongue and muffled a sneeze into the crook of one arm before he pushed himself up onto the foot of the bed to be more at eye level. "Don't give me that look or I'll simply not make supper." He warned, getting comfortable kneeling at the edge of his nest, and he sighed: "Honestly… it's like I'm the one ransacking your hobbit hole."

Sitting there, watching Smaug scowl at him from out of his hair, Bilbo realized it had been too long since either of them got a wash. At least he'd made the effort, but their curls were both a bit too greasy for comfort's sake. Smaug itching his scalp was the final straw, making Bilbo pull a small face.

"Would you like to be rid of all that?" Bilbo offered instead, resigned. "If you're going to pout in here like a tween, be my guest, but we can shear away some of that carpet you've got on your head and at least make it look a bit more respectable." Tugging one of his own curls, casual, Bilbo admitted: "I could use my own trim."

Snorting, the dark cloud of smoke lifting from his blankets, Bilbo's eyes narrowed as he clambered closer to shove the fabric down. Damn it, he wasn't going to back down- if he got burned, it'd be for a good cause.

"You've gotten too plucky for your own good." Smaug grumbled, watching Bilbo.

"And you're sulking." Bilbo snorted, finding Smaug's reserved irritation a bit more manageable. "Hair cut, yes or no? It'll certainly be better than this greasy mess." He was ready for the complaints, prepared, and he added: "If you think I'm going to best you with clippers, then you must really be feeling sorry for yourself. Now come on and stop being such a wet blanket."

With a sigh that could have brought the roof down on them both, Smaug slowly uncovered himself and he forced himself out of the nest. He and his long limbs needed more space to maneuver, taking up the entire bed and then some, and Bilbo just hurried back to the doorway to let him follow. He had a new tactic in mind, less a tub and more just running water, and Bilbo pushed his suspenders down for a moment before he tugged his last shirt off and turned on the water.

Hearing Smaug shuffle in suspiciously, Bilbo gave him his back as he wetted his hands and leaned over to soak his own head through.

"Come on, then." He said, not bothering to look at him. "Shirt off, soak your head, and take some soap to that mess." Bilbo encouraged, pushing his wet hair back and going about his washing as calmly as he could. Smaug was watching him like a hawk, his stare intense, and Bilbo just sat on the edge of the tub as he scrubbed his hands through his hair. He felt a little silly, having a veritable dragon playing witness to how to wash hair, but finally Smaug pushed the last blanket off his shoulders and off went Bilbo's tattered shirt without concern.

"You're lucky it's cumbersome. I should roast you for such insolence." He grumbled, bending over cautiously to wet his hair and slowly begin to soak the mangy length of it. "I've murdered for less."

"And now you'll keep your tongue in cheek and clean up." Bilbo said, happy to take advantage of Smaug's moping to lip off. "Lilly will expect you to wear those new clothes out, out into the town to be sociable, and you can't go out like this." He certainly wouldn't let him, but for now he could inspect the odd smatterings of scales that appeared on Smaug's human skin. He dolloped some soap into his hands, encouraging him to scrub by starting up a lather, and Bilbo rinsed his own eagerly as Smaug scrubbed and scrubbed. "Keep at it a little more, make sure you get behind your ears, and then come over here and rinse it away. It'll be good to get this off you."

Bilbo was keen to see it done, even if only to keep up his image, and he clipped a few longer curls of his own as he waited for the water to turn off. Turning, seeing his guest there with these wet curtains hanging in his face, Bilbo had to bite his tongue before he dared approach.

Christ, were all dragons like this?

"Alright, now stay still. I don't want to trim it crooked." Bilbo told him, trying to get a good look at it all before he carefully began trimming at the longer bits. It all needed to go, most of that length gone, but Bilbo could take care of most of it without brushing first, to make it easier on them both. He clipped cautiously, making the most of the small movements as Smaug sat there like a warm wall of stone, and Bilbo was glad to clip a drying curl and finally expose an eye.

"You can open your eyes." Bilbo told him, seeing how his forehead was furrowed. "I'm halfway done and you already look bushels better." He stepped aside, offering Smaug the view of the looking glass, and he couldn't help but smile as Smaug gazed at himself in surprise. Bilbo, pleased, brushed some hair off his shoulder and said: "Hmm, it's almost s though I was right."

"Perhaps," Smaug sniffed, turning to send a little smoke Bilbo's way, and the hobbit just coughed and waved his hand in front of his face. "now continue. You've got rest to partake in and meals to prepare."

Bilbo snorted, trimming across his bangs and tousling the damp curls to make sure he wasn't ruining his hair. "Is that all I'm good for? Sleeping and making meals?"

"Mark me, thiefling, it's all you'll be doing til that wetness leaves your frame." Smaug said, giving him a side eye as he stayed still for his shearing. "I can hear it, that suction. Don't think all such activity with your wooable tailor has distracted from your appalling self care." He saw Bilbo rolling his eyes, sending out another frail plume of smoke in disapproval, and Bilbo was happy to run a brush over him a few times before Smaug shook him away and rose to inspect his new style.

Bilbo, shooing the massive amount of hair left behind out of the way, wandered closer to take in the full look, and he was surprised to find his entire nape and jaw covered in the same pretty, glittery scales. It was lovely, if you took it away from their terrifying owner, and Bilbo was delighted by the sight.

So the dragon had not lost his armor after all.

"Now, it'll settle a little and not be quite so drastic after a few days," He said, tucking his clippers away. "but that's about it. Now it isn't all over the place getting tangled and such. I swear, you could've put it up and nested starlings in in before…" Despite his nudges for conversation, Smaug just sent his hands carding through it all, pawing at it curiously, and Bilbo supposed that was reward enough. He was surprised he'd gotten so close to him with his clippers at all.

Sighing, pulling his shirt and suspenders back into place, Bilbo said: "I'm off to take a nap, and when I'm up again, I'll be making supper. If you've gone back to sulking, I'll eat without you." He would have headed right to bed too, but someone had their big bumbling hand in his hair, ruffling it back and forth, and Bilbo squawked at the touch as he spun around to face him. "Excuse me?" He blurted.

"We smell the same." Smaug said, face screwed up as the idea seemed to puzzle him.

"Well, yes," Bilbo said, huffing and smoothing down his ruffled feathers. "we do inhabit the same hole and just washed up together. That will happen." He could almost say that his guest looked pleased about it, if not content, but Bilbo was ready for bed and he bid him a firmer goodnight before he toddled off to his bedroom.

Smaug was right, not that Bilbo would admit it; he was still sick, feeling it in his bones, and he was glad to hit the pillows for some well deserved rest.