Disclaimer: characters and places belong to Chris Carter, to 1013 Productions and to Fox Network, except those created by me. If you find this fanfiction similar to another one, it's nothing more than a coincidence.
Production: January, 2009 – August, 2010
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In 1998, Scully left Mulder and the FBI to pursue her interrupted path in Medicine and try to be happy. Ten years later, while trying to save a young boy's life, some old wounds of hers are reopened once their paths cross in the search of the truth. Because lives may change and hope may be lost, but they still want to believe…
Extra: a different take on I Want to Believe, considering an Alternative Reality post-Fight the Future. Spoilers from the episodes.
A/N: I would like to thank all of those who have left their comments and support to this work so far, especially those who have done it anonymously; though I'm not able to say it personally, your words mean a lot to me. And yes, I still apologize for my real life.
English is not my first language and I don't have a beta-reader at the moment, so I'm sorry for any mistakes, no one is perfect. Hope you enjoy this fanfiction as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)
OUT FROM UNDER
Chapter VI:
Old habits die hard
To someone who had grown up surrounded by books, the simple idea of finding so much information available inside of a computer was somewhat uncanny. But the truth was that the Internet had become an amazing tool of work when necessity spoke louder.
Sitting at her office's desk, Scully stroked her lower lip with her index finger while facing the screen opened in PubMed's main page. It had been days since she first started thinking about it, without, however, feeling able to perform a deeper research on the matter. Almost as if researching made her fly higher, dream about the impossible and hurt her on the way down. But she was going to do it now. She just had to.
She approached the keyboard, looked out for the wanted keys. In the search box she wrote: Stem cells therapy. It wasn't that hard. The mouse pointer moved to the 'search' button, one click and there it was, the first page of results. It was hard to believe that behind those links she could find the answer to her prayers, but it was worth the shot.
Scully knew the risks, of course – she knew it wouldn't be easy; she knew it would be painful; she knew that she could be giving them hope in vain. But at the same time, she felt that hope, even if in vain, was better than giving them nothing. And then she was sure that it was the right thing to do.
The silence in the office was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Yes?"
"Dana?" Alex St. Matthew came up with a warm smile. "Are you busy or can I come in?"
She nodded before Alex entered the room and, while he occupied the empty chair in front of her desk, closed the Internet page.
"What are you doing?"
"Was," she corrected, moving away from the computer screen. "I was doing a research on something."
"Sorry to interrupt you..."
"Don't worry, I can do this later."
Alex crossed his arms over the desktop and she could almost swear that when he leaned forward he was trying to take a peek at the computer, in a subtle way to find out what her research was about. The colleague was a naturally curious person but even with her, with whom he had a strong relationship established, he had always known when not to surpass certain limits.
An exchange of looks between them and he understood: Christian. It was always Christian. Alex sighed and reclined in his seat. He wouldn't say a word if she remained silent about it.
"You know that priest, the one who cried tears of blood... is he gone by now?" he asked, approaching their other matter of interest.
"Yes, he left yesterday."
"Do you know if Oscar reached any conclusion about what happened to him?"
She denied with a head move.
"No one knows. But he was clinically stable and there were no relapses or further complications. Besides, the FBI needed him."
"Yes, the FBI... Don't you think it's weird that they're working with a priest? What do the Feds need, someone to pray for their souls before a hard working day?"
He laughed at his own hypothesis, though Scully didn't accompany him. There was nothing funny about Father Joe, his actions and the secrets he kept. But Alex didn't know that and he wouldn't know it through her. Besides, he probably wouldn't believe it.
"So, what about you?" he asked again. "Did you run into some former colleagues?"
And there they were, approaching a dangerous ground.
"Well, you can say so, yes..." Scully tried not to give away too many details.
"None of them gave you more information on the case?"
She stared at Alex's gray eyes and noticed the glow of excitement and curiosity that were so characteristic on him. No, she wouldn't tell him about Father Joe's sins. But at the same time, lying to a friend was hard for her.
"I'm no longer part of the FBI, Alex!" The only honest answer she could give him.
"Hum, too bad, I'd really like to know..."
He took a pencil from the cup near him and spun it between his fingers. Wasn't looking at her when he asked:
"What about your cleanings? Have you defeated the beast?"
Scully had to force her memory to understand what he was talking about.
"Oh, yes..." she finally remembered. "Yes, I've done the best I could."
"Does that mean you're free tonight?"
She turned her head away after the question. She was hoping that he would let go of the matter but, obviously, no luck for that. Scully bit her lower lip, nervous. What would she say now?
On the other side of the desk, Alex shrugged:
"I'm just asking."
"C'mon, Alex," she sighed, exasperated, "what do I need to do..."
"Dana, it's just a dinner!"
"See, that's exactly the problem, it's never just a dinner or have you forgotten?"
His gray eyes gained a different shadow, one never seen before. Her heart started galloping.
"No, I haven't," he answered in a grave tone, staring at her as if he was trying to decode her soul, "and that's why I don't understand you!"
"You don't understand me? I've told you, Alex, and I think I was very clear about it, friends and that's it!"
"There was something between us when it happened..."
Scully felt herself choking. She should have known that that moment would come back to haunt her.
"What happened," she chose her words carefully and with emotional tact, "was a mistake, Alex! I told you back then, I'm telling you again right now – nothing more than a mistake. Don't try to give it any meaning when it didn't mean a thing at all!"
"And yet it did happen..."
"Well, it shouldn't have!" Scully rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "But why can't a man and a woman share something that's meaning and beautiful without falling for each other?"
"Well, they can, it's just more complicated!"
Yes, Scully knew that for experience. And that was her main problem.
She bowed her red head and pressed her nose bridge. She was hurting him and that took a weight on her conscience. Alex had been the first person with whom she had established a practically immediate deep connexion after leaving the Bureau, he had been her best – and sometimes only – friend since then. She didn't want to thank his friendship with a slap in the face.
At the same time, he was starting to ask for something she wasn't ready to give him back.
"You know what, Dana, have it your way!" Alex's voice sounded ice cold, waking her up from her own thoughts. "I have to get back to work, I've got important things to do."
Scully lay back in her chair and took a deep breath as she watched him leave, pondering her decision. Yes, he was interested in more than she was willing to give him right now. But she was also tired, so tired, of being afraid of losing control.
Maybe it would do her good. After all, she was starting to feel too lonely in a home where she could only find herself, longing day after day for something that would never be. And maybe, who knows, this could be the first step that would make things flow at their proper pace; maybe someday she would be ready to try something new, to open up her heart and find the balance she desired.
She was tired of waiting. And decided not to wait any longer.
"Alex!" she called once she left the office, running after her colleague. "Alex, wait!"
He stopped in the middle of the corridor and turned to her. Without staring directly at her face, he seemed distant and bothered.
"Okay, fine!" Scully shook her head to clear away some stubborn hair tips. "Just a dinner!"
Alex rolled his eyes.
"You don't have to make the sacrifice!" he mumbled, in a tone she had never heard coming out of his mouth. "I don't want you to come if you feel obligated."
"No, I... You're getting it all wrong!" She held his arm so he couldn't leave and tried a smile. "I don't feel obligated. And I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. It's just that I'm not looking for a relationship right now, you know? I like you, I like what we have and I don't want to spoil it over this. But I need you to understand that for now this is what I want..."
"What are you so afraid of, Dana?"
Scully stood still, caught in surprise. Afraid, her?! She wasn't afraid of anything!
Then she tried to give him an answer; she tried with all of her might, but she just couldn't. Maybe because, deep inside, she knew she was afraid, and she knew what she was afraid of. She just didn't want to admit it.
Alex snorted at her silence.
"Whatever." He stared into her blue eyes and exhibited a timid smile: "I'm picking you up at eight thirty."
He leaned over her, as if he was going to kiss her goodbye, but regretted it on time. Instead, he slightly caressed her shoulder and then turned his back to return to work.
Alex hadn't moved away for more than ten steps when she noticed the tall man dressed in dark clothing. The same man who, a few steps from the place where she was standing, couldn't take his eyes off her, with a neutral expression on his face. Instinctively, she knew he had listened to everything.
"Oh crap!"
"Mulder?!" Scully couldn't hide her surprise for seeing him back at Our Lady of Sorrows. "What are you doing here? I thought Father Joe had been discharged!"
"He was..."
"Is he worse?"
"No..."
"So why are you back?"
"I'm doing stuff..."
Scully put her hands on her hips and sighed. After the conversation she had just had with Alex, she was in no state of patience to deal with her former colleague on a bad day.
"I'm here to pick up the results of some tests we did to that arm that Father Joe found," he finally explained, showing her the envelope on his hands.
"In here? Why not on the FBI lab?"
"It was easier this way, we didn't have to send the samples to Washington and wait twice as long for answers."
"And in your way out, you got lost and ended up at my floor?"
Mulder stared at her, a similar look to those he used to throw back in the days when he would get tired of listening to her science debunking his theories.
"An opinion, please?"
Surprised, Scully accepted the envelope he was handing to her. While opening it, she could hear him inquiring:
"Who's the handsome doctor?"
She took the results sheet and her eyes ran through the tables of values and the conclusive text. Trying to be stronger than the beating of her own heart, she couldn't stop wondering why was he interested on the answer.
"He's a colleague," she said after a few seconds of silence. "Dr. Alex St. Matthew."
"He was at the ER when Father Joe first came in, but I never saw him again..."
"Yes, he's friends with Dr. de Mayo, he probably just asked him for a medical opinion. Dr. St. Matthew is our best pediatric surgeon."
Mulder nodded, apparently not interested in the conversation anymore. Scully observed him from the corner of the eye, waiting for more questions, more curiosity. For some jealousy, some distrust.
No such luck.
"So," he wondered after a moment that seemed to never end, "what do they say?"
"They found traces of acepromazine." She pointed at the word in the report that had drawn her attention. "That's strange... acepromazine is an antipsychotic, but I'm pretty sure that now it is mostly used by veterinarians as a tranquilizer for animals."
"Animals?" Mulder's eyes were shinning after the discovery. "He said he heard dogs barking!"
"Who?"
"Father Joe! You said acepromazine is used in animals, Father Joe heard dogs barking in his visions. You could use it in dogs, right?"
But Scully wasn't thinking about the drugs, and even less about the dogs:
"Father Joe had visions with barking dogs?" she repeated, trying to keep the sarcastic tone below noticeable. "Isn't that man amazing? He can see things, he can hear things... I wonder what he'll do next!"
"I'm not in the mood for jokes!"
"You seem to be in the mood for his sayings!"
"What do you know, after all? You're not even part of this investigation!"
The answer died inside of her throat. For some reason, his statement had hurt more than a punch. Every time Scully was starting to believe that her former partner had overcome the ten years of separation, the fall was simple and effective.
"I know he can be a fraud," she insisted, without admitting defeat. "Think about it, Mulder, has it ever crossed your mind that maybe he's playing you all for a reason? That maybe he knows the doers and is diverting your attentions to something that isn't even real?"
"He found bodies buried in the snow, in the middle of nowhere! Do you think that's not real?"
"Bodies?"
"Yes! Well, parts of bodies. Legs, arms, heads..."
"What?"
Scully hoped that her horrified expression wouldn't be so obvious. She could see Mulder rolling his eyes and shaking his hands in the air.
"Father Joe led us there, he led us through the snow to the very right spot! And he recognized Agent Bannan's house in the blink of an eye..."
"And why would he do that? Because he had a vision or because he's buried in this case up to his neck, what do you think it makes more sense?"
"Are you trying to prove I'm crazy?"
"No, Mulder, I just don't want..." She quickly thought of something to replace the words she had almost shared. Maybe this wasn't the best moment to tell him that all of this was just an attempt to keep him from getting hurt. "I want you to open your eyes. Just that."
"You never talked to him, you never heard the things I did!" His voice tone seemed to rise a bit. "I was there when Father Joe cried those tears of blood, I witness it! You can't fake that, and neither you nor your colleagues could find an explanation for what happened! I don't believe this is God forgiving him for his sins, but all of this is just too extraordinary to be explained with your science!"
"Mulder..."
"He knew about Samantha!"
And suddenly there was light in her spirit. She could finally understand the reason why Mulder was devoting his body and soul to that missing Agent case. Father Joe and his visions were just the appetizer of a bigger feast.
Samantha, Samantha... it was always Samantha. The younger sister, the favorite daughter, the little girl who had never become a grown woman. The child who had disappeared into the darkness and had never returned home. And he had never been the same again. He would never give up the fight for a missing girl.
For Samantha. Always for Samantha.
"Is this for her, Mulder?" she questioned him, choosing her words carefully. She knew it was a painful subject to him; she just didn't know how much it hurt her too. "Is this another search for your sister?"
His face gained a dark shadow.
"My sister is dead!" He didn't bother to explain whether it was true or just a band aid to protect him from thirty years without an answer.
Then he took a piece of paper from his pocket and started unfolding it.
"But Monica Bannan isn't. And neither is Cheryl Cunningham." He handed Scully the paper, where she could see the face of another blonde girl, whose age was probably similar to the one of the FBI Agent. "She was filled missing last night. We found her car, it was involved in an accident. The evidences are telling us that she was followed and the crash was induced to ease the kidnapping."
"Oh my God..."
"All of this is work of the same person. Agent Bannan and Cheryl Cunningham shared the same swimming pool and the same medical bracelets. Both have the same blood type, a rare one, AB negative."
Scully blinked at the information.
"Organ trafficking!"
"Black market!" Mulder agreed with a nod.
"You need to find these women before it's too late!"
He looked at her in the eye, in such an intense way she could feel a numbness taking over her. She couldn't remember the last time he had stared at her like that. Maybe in that day...
"I owe you everything, Scully, and you owe me nothing!"
"If I quit now, they win!"
She didn't divert her attention when he asked:
"Are you sure you don't want to talk to Father Joe?"
Her heart almost stopped beating. What was happening? What did he want?
"What do I want?"
"Do you want me back, Mulder?" she heard herself asking. "Is that what you want?"
"You're a Catholic, you believe in God. Maybe you can get more from him than three atheists together..."
"You can't even say my name."
Mulder's green eyes seemed suddenly brown to the fact. It was true, and they both knew it. He was the one who hadn't expected her to notice. And she didn't expect to just throw it at his face.
Scully gave him back his papers, trying not to notice the weird expression that had taken over his face. She was feeling something different coming from her chest. Once again, she wasn't willing to accept his requests.
"I'm done with chasing monsters in the dark."
It was the last thing she said before turning her back at him. Hovering over them, it remained the same tension that had involved them in the final moment, almost a decade ago.
TBC