Disclaimer: characters and places belong to Chris Carter, to 1013 Productions and to Fox Network, except those created by me. If you find this fanfiction similar to another one, it's nothing more than a coincidence.
Production: January, 2009 – August, 2010
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In 1998, Scully left Mulder and the FBI to pursue her interrupted path in Medicine and try to be happy. Ten years later, while trying to save a young boy's life, some old wounds of hers are reopened once their paths cross in the search of the truth. Because lives may change and hope may be lost, but they still want to believe…
Extra: a different take on I Want to Believe, considering an Alternative Reality post-Fight the Future. Spoilers from the episodes.
A/N: I still apologize for my real life.
English is not my first language and I don't have a beta-reader at the moment, so I'm sorry for any mistakes, no one is perfect. Hope you enjoy this fanfiction as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)
OUT FROM UNDER
Chapter IX:
At home
"What do we have here?"
"Postictal 65 year-old male," the paramedic responded while taking the gurney out of the ambulance. "GCS 3-3-5, BP 131/84, pulse 92, good breath sounds. Your doctor was with him when it happened."
The Emergency doctor turned at Scully, who was leaving the ambulance after Father Joe.
"Dr. Dana Scully, pediatrician," she introduced herself, not knowing her colleague.
"What happened?"
"We were having a tense conversation when he started convulsing. It was over within sixty seconds, eighty at the most. No head trauma involved, but he maintains the LOC and is unable to answer questions. You should call Dr. de Mayo for his medical history, this man has been recently under his care..."
"Scully?"
She turned her head after hearing her name being called and noticed Skinner running towards her. Making sure that they didn't need any more information or help from her, Scully observed the gurney and the team disappear into the Emergency Room and then approached her former boss. He seemed much more tired than the last time she had seen him.
"Agent Drummy was on stakeout, he called us as soon as he noticed that there was something wrong." He pointed his chin at the well-dressed Agent talking on the cell phone just a few steps away, the same man she had seen driving the car when Father Joe had been discharged from the hospital. "What the hell happened, Scully?"
"Father Joe suffered a seizure. He was just fine, answering my questions, when he started convulsing and lost consciousness. Just like that."
"And how is he?"
"He's reactive to some external stimuli, but not fully conscious yet. We need to wait to see what the medical team says."
"Hmmm..." Skinner moved his hand through his bald head and looked around. He seemed uncomfortable. "Still, Scully, you haven't explained me yet... what exactly did you want from Father Joe?"
It had been imprudent to believe that such question wouldn't come up eventually. She said she didn't want to get involved, but she was already in too deep to remain in the outside. She said she didn't want to look Father Joe in the eye, but she had entered his home without backup or, at least, sharing her intentions with any other person. She said she wasn't who she used to be anymore, but that wasn't really true, was it?
What could she tell him? That she was looking for answers? That Father Joe could know her better than herself? That she wasn't sure of what to think about that whole mess of a case?
She was saved by the approaching of Agent Drummy, who was keeping the cell phone close to his shoulder, probably without terminating the call.
"Assistant Director Skinner?" He then stopped, staring suspiciously at Scully's presence.
"Yes?" Noticing his hesitation, Skinner brushed aside his worries: "You can talk, Agent. This is Dr. Dana Scully, former Special Agent. She's aware of our investigation."
"Scully? As in Mulder's Scully?!"
She didn't appreciate the tone of sarcasm. Something inside was warning her that Agent Drummy didn't hold the best opinion on her former partner and was expecting her to also start ranting about aliens and government conspiracies to achieve world domination. Instead of answering back, Scully put her hands on her hips and raised her chin. This was something she would never accept being mocked about.
"I, hum... just received a phone call," he kept going, understanding that this was his warmest welcome. "We have a name: Janke Dacystyn, questioned under an operation against trafficking in human organs. Apparently, he had a very suspicious behaviour. Could be our guy!"
"Under custody?"
"No, they had no evidence against him and we hadn't given the alert yet."
"Then give it, I want this man questioned immediately!" Skinner reached into his long coat's pocket. "Call Agent Whitney, I want her here as soon as she can!"
"Sure, sir!"
With the cell phone hanging next to his ear again, Drummy went away to fulfil the orders he had just received. In the meanwhile, Skinner had taken his own cell phone out and was already dialling.
"Mulder..." Scully mouthed, looking around, feeling the cold wind hitting her rudely in the face. "Is he coming too?"
"Maybe, I'm going to inform him now."
"Inform him?"
She raised her hand and took the phone away from him. Caught by surprise, Skinner just stared at her.
"I need to talk to him!" Her voice sounded strident, almost desperate. She wasn't sure of what had taken over her to admit it, but when she realized it, it was too late.
"Scully, it's ringing..."
"No, I need to talk to him face to face, away from here. Away from this hospital, from the FBI, from Father Joe..." In her eagerness to see her request being fulfilled, Scully hadn't noticed that her hand was still around his wrist. "Sir, please!"
Skinner didn't move for a fraction of second. Then, as if a lightening had hit him, he took back the phone, muttered a quick "I'll call you in a second" and put it back in his pocket. After it, he put an arm around her shoulders and started to take her away from the hospital:
"Remember, Scully," he lowered his voice, "this is the kind of information you can't share with anyone..."
Fox Mulder no longer hid behind the door number 42. He lived in the outskirts of town, away from the irrational world he had met (and to which he had contributed too) for so long.
Scully parked her car in front of the secluded house, turned off the engine and rested her head against the seat, incapable of drifting her attention away from his new home. She couldn't avoid the thought that it was very similar to what she had once dreamt for herself if life had been different, if she had found her perfect half, if she had had the chance of becoming a mother and raise her own family. Staring at that scenery, she couldn't help but to feel a bit jealous.
Then she was reminded that Mulder remained alone: no wife, no kids, probably not even a pet. And without someone to share it, it simply wasn't worth it.
She noticed a movement over the curtains from the closest window and saw him taking a peek at the outside, staring straight at her face. Letting go of a sigh, Scully opened the car door, left and locked it, without a rush. She was trying not to take notice of the fact that it was getting darker and darker at every minute. She didn't want him to get the wrong impression.
He was waiting at the entrance when she approached the house.
"I see that Skinner told you I was coming," she commented, walking towards him.
Mulder shrugged.
"It was too late to stop you from doing it, apparently." And he disappeared into the darkness, leaving the door opened so she could follow him. Scully didn't think twice.
On the inside, Mulder's new home wasn't very different from the previous one. Much more space, no doubt, but still empty, cold and impersonal. It was just a roof over his head, not his private haven. Deep inside, it tormented her to think about it – ten years ago, Mulder had his job; but now, what was he transforming his negative energies into?
While lost in her thoughts, he was taking her to the living room. Without a word, he turned on the tall lamp and sat on the couch next to it. He didn't invite her to seat with him, so Scully remained on her feet, facing him.
"I was just at the hospital," she broke the silence. "Father Joe..."
"I know," Mulder interrupted. "Skinner told me. That's the reason why we have cell phones and we appreciate them so much. You didn't come here to tell me that Father Joe was hospitalized or that the FBI is after a Russian gangster, so let's be honest: why are you here?"
"Yes, Dana, why?"
"I... I wanted to apologize." Scully looked down, conscious of her guilt. "For that phone call, a few hours ago. I've been under too much pressure lately and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve it and for that I'm sorry."
"Is that it?"
She reacted to his dry words by focusing again on his face and finding a new strength inside herself:
"Listen, I know – I understand – that you're disappointed in me after I left..."
"I'm not disappointed in you, Scully."
"I see..."
"I'm not." The serenity of his statement caught her by surprise, breaking her line of thought. She was, in fact, tempted to believe him. "After everything that happened, I was waiting for you to leave. I know you're strong, but you're also human. Everyone has a breaking point, and you finally reached yours."
She tried to process the information. More than tempted, Scully wanted to believe him so desperately right now.
"I just..." Mulder slid his hands over his legs and bent over the trunk, his eyes fixated on hers. "I think I convinced myself it would never happen. That you'd stay, no matter what. My crusade was now ours and it would be stronger than everything you lost. That's why I had troubles dealing with your leaving. I was selfish and thought only about myself. Today I hate myself for ever thinking like that."
Scully sighed. Mulder wasn't disappointed now, but the thought had been there before. She had let him down ten years ago, maybe during all those years too. Honestly, it made better sense.
She noticed a sparkle in the shadows of his eyes. The moment of truth was coming.
"Why did you leave the FBI? Why did you abandon the X-Files?"
Mulder snorted and a half-smile took over his lips. She couldn't be sure whether it was guilt, embarrassment or simply acceptance. Shaking his head, he reclined on the couch and shrugged:
"Because, deep inside, I'm weak, nothing more than a weak. And they knew it."
She crossed her arms, waiting for more.
"They gave me the X-Files after you left," he continued, staring the ceiling over his head. "Of course now I know they only did it because I was alone. They knew I wasn't the same. But back then, I didn't even think, I just wanted to let everyone know I still could do it without you.
It was like a return to my origins, you know? Well, my motives were a bit different, but the willingness, the strength, the passion, they were the same... and with Diana..."
Her heart frequency peaked at the mention of her name.
"You mean Fowley?" She bit her tongue after speaking. "Agent Fowley?"
"Yes..."
Scully didn't know what to think. She was trying to silence the questions that kept popping inside her head. Had it been easier, more exciting? Had she cleaned up the weak memories of what they had shared? "Did you enjoy being back at working with her, Mulder? Did you go back to her bed?" The truth was something she didn't want to know. In fact, she had no right to know.
He was back at staring at her and she felt as if he could read her mind. Blushing in embarrassment, Scully looked the other way.
"I shouldn't have trusted her," Mulder assumed through a sad, defeated smile. "She was working with them, burying me up to my neck. She set me the trap and I fell on it.
They accused me of a crime I didn't commit. Of killing a man that couldn't be killed. The trial was set up against me and I was found guilty as charged. In that same night, Skinner helped me to run away from prison. I've been living hidden here, so they can't find me. Until they needed me and sent the message: if I help them find Monica Bannan, they'll forgive me."
A glimpse of rage took over his face.
"They'll forgive me, as if I was the one who did something wrong! They should ask for my forgiveness after ruining my life, I haven't left this house for six damn years!"
"What about the X-Files?"
"They closed them down, this time for good. Skinner tried his best, but it was impossible. No one wanted to take them after I left, anyway!"
"And you've been here all this time?" Scully couldn't hide the pain over the discouragement of her former partner. "What about your family? Your friends?"
Mulder exhibited another sad smile.
"Who, Scully?" he asked, in a tone she had never heard coming from him before. "My mother killed herself and my sister has been dead for years. The Lone Gunmen – they're dead too! The only friend I have left is Skinner, but he's still the Assistant Director of the FBI. He was the only person who stood by my side during all these years, though."
She didn't say a word while her brain was working fast, processing all the information. Ten years and everything was upside down. The Lone Gunmen, dead, and she didn't even know about it! Mulder suffering, alone and in silence, and she hadn't done anything to help him.
"Yeah," he stood up, "but it's my fault. I should have known, when I vowed to trust no one, not to open exceptions to anyone!"
"To anyone... Not even to me?"
The question was out before she could stop it. Mulder's smile seemed warm for the first time since their meeting.
"You left me, Scully." She frowned. "I don't blame you, I don't hate you... I don't even understand it, but you weren't there. And sometimes I can't help but to wonder how different things would be if you had been."
And she didn't know what to say once more. Because, even if aware of his contradictions, she knew what he was stating.
She was still the one to blame.
"Scully, I'm sorry. I've never wanted things to be like this between us. I've never wanted to become dependent on you, to make you feel responsible for all the shit I do..."
And suddenly Mulder was reaching for her hands. She felt his skin touching hers and a shiver ran through her spine, bristling the hair on the back of her neck.
"I'm sorry, I really am... I just miss you!"
And suddenly Scully felt as if she was 28 again and it was raining outside, like in that night when she had ran into his room, wearing nothing but her underwear covered by a borrowed robe, terrified to death but still sure that he would be able to dominate her worst fears.
She missed him too. She missed the challenge, the confrontation between her science and his paranormal, the two coming together to complete the unfinished puzzle. She missed his courage and determination, the certainty that he would be there for her when in danger. She missed his sarcasm and security, the weapons he had taken to face a world that didn't quite understand him, how he had taught her that it doesn't really matter what other people may think of you, what's really important is to remain honest to yourself and your beliefs.
God – she had missed him so much!
"I miss your intelligence, your science and rationality. I miss your integrity, what brought us close when we were meant to be apart." Mulder was now so close she could almost feel their hearts beating together. "I miss the way you disagree with what I say and call me crazy with your mouth, but still smile through your eyes. I miss..."
He was silent all of sudden.
"What?" She could barely breathe.
Still staring straight at her, not even a muscle trembled on his facial expression.
"It's getting late, Scully," he finally mumbled. "Maybe it's time for you to go."
She was wondering how much she could take.
"Mulder..."
His name died on her lips when he lowered his head and kissed her, warm and passionately. Maybe she couldn't remember every detail from the first and only time they had kissed before, but this one tasted differently. It wasn't a goodbye; instead, it was an affirmation. It was tenderness and care, and desire and passion, a flame regaining life from the ashes they never really tried – never really wanted – to erase.
Scully opened her eyes and straightened her head so she could face him. Her lips twitched into a slight smile before becoming serious again to communicate him:
"Scratchy beard!"
Mulder laughed, maybe in a way he hadn't laughed for the past six years, and embraced her over the waist, pressing her body against his chest and allowing himself to rest his head against her shoulder. He kissed her again, once and twice, and his fingers pressed her back, as if trying to prove that her presence was real. Scully knew what he wanted: she knew it by the way he was kissing her, and touching her; she knew his state of mind. But she also knew he wouldn't give it away. For him to have her, she would have to want him first.
And she wanted him. She had wanted him for so long...
She started pulling his shirt, got it out of his pants. Something, a signal, so he could understand. Mulder grabbed her wrist. Their time had come. He pulled her against him. He was going to take her away.
And Scully let herself go. She would let him take her wherever he wanted to – to the bedroom, to the stars, to Heaven, if that was his will. As long as she remained in his arms, she knew it was the right place to be.
She had finally found her home.
TBC
A/N 2: the 'miss' segments from this chapter were taken and developed over the thoughts shared in the «I miss...» clips that David and Gillian recorded back in 2008, as part of the promotion for IWTB. :)